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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

my SIL wants to buy ONE of my DDs a BIKE...but not the other

61 replies

noonar · 29/11/2007 20:44

not sure how to handle this.

i have 2 dds, aged 5 and 3. the 5 year old gets far more attention from the inlaws and is closer to them/ spends more time with them than dd2. i feel very aware and sensitive about this. i have tried to (subtly) broach the subject with them, and tried to suggest ways redress the balance.

now my sil has ordered a £100 bike for dd1 for xmas- through her dp- who is hugely into bikes. dd2 doesnt need a bike, as she got one for her birthday. so, she's just getting a regular sized xmas present, with a pledge of a bigger bike when she needs it. this, incidently, wont be for at least 2 years- and i suspect it wont materialise at all.

sil came over today and i admittd that i had issues about the girls getting presents that were not of equal value. sil said that it was important for her too, to make it fair, and that dd1 would get a bike too, when needed.

i really dont wont to upset sil, and told her that if she made it a joint xmas/ bday present, that i'd feel a bit better about it.

am still not happy, though, and dont understand why they would want to get them such 'unequal' presents. sil said that she wsnt offended by my honesty and that she 'always takes things in a good way/ isnt offended'0- but i think that WE are the ones who should be offended, on dd2's behalf

how would you handle this??

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 29/11/2007 22:06

I think it is quite unreasonable to apply "principle of fairness" to children of such different ages.

The 5 year old has much greater understanding of material objects, and is able to voice her wishes better. If she is putting emphasis on material value, then something is wrong. But I suspect she has it from you? You seem to be more concerned with the fact that the cost is different, not that they get different presents.

Dc2 does not need a bike. Dc1 does. And you could not anyway buy the same bike to them.

Asking that they share the same present (a bike for a 5 year old) is even more unfair, and I dont know how you think that should work. Will they fight about having time with it? Will the youngest be upset she cant ride it?

It is hard to find presents for 3 year olds sometimes, but I think you should either let your SIL buy the presents she wants for your children and slightly even out the balance yourselves. Or, insist a budget of no more than 10 (like you said)for each child. (And you may soon see your SIL lose interest in giftbuying for both of them when she cant buy what she wants, and that would truly be fair.)

pukkapatch · 29/11/2007 22:07

to the op, your dd2 is getting that bike as a present as she will grow into it when your dd1 grows too tall for it. so it is effectively a present for her too.

maximummummy · 29/11/2007 22:09

noonar - i hope you are not feeling picked on as that is not my intention - i just don't agree with what you are saying

olsmum · 29/11/2007 22:09

nooner, i agree with you, i think it would be fair to spend more or less equally on both your children, i also agree that your 3 yo prob wont know the difference but thats not the point. im planning on getting dd a bike for christmas, i wouldnt be happy if another family member wanted to get her one, it is going to be her main present from me/santa, (although she will get other stuff too) i personally think that is rather a lot to spend on a niece.

olsmum · 29/11/2007 22:10

noonar not nooner, oops!

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:13

quintess, i never suggested that they sahre the bike?? where did you read that??

my daughter is just aware of price in relation to size of present, ie she knows that a little pocket money toy would be cheaper than a bike. i am not at all usually concerned about money- she doesnt get 'anything from me' as far as attitudes to money go. and hate the over spending that goes on at xmas. i am not at all materialistic, but i cant abide unfairness.

i do not want dd2 to geta bike too. i do not want either of them to get such a huge present.

i am sad that we have pointed out to the inlaws that dd2 gets a bit neglected, and now they do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:14

OP posts:

Polgara2 · 29/11/2007 22:15

Well for what its worth Noonar I agree with you, it should be more equal. I have 2 daughters and I can assure you that if one got a bike and the other something smaller, that one would most definitely notice and nothing to do with the cost, just the present. Nor would it be her putting emphasis on material things, just her being a child!

Pollyanna · 29/11/2007 22:18

my children wouldn't notice I'm afraid.

However, how you feel about the unfairness of this is a different issue. I agree that £100 seems alot to spend on a niece, and this probably also reinforces your feelings that dd1 is favoured over dd2.

clairejo · 29/11/2007 22:18

nooner. i agree with you. i have just had a huge row with my family over this. ds1 who is 3 gets everything while ds2 who is 14 months obviously gets hand me downs. which is fine as everything is in really good condition but my db got ds1 a bike for birthday. and my parents are getting him a handheld computer for xmas. i know ds2 doesn't need or want anything that would cost that much but i too see it as favouritism when ds2 will get a token present because its xmas.

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:18

i meant 'share a bike'.

maxim, i am feeling a bit got at, tbh. not by you, especially, but found quintess' remarks very unkind and uncalled for.

do you all spend 54-5 times more on your older child? it would seem that thats ok, and i'm clearly in a minority.

thanks olsmum, btw.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 29/11/2007 22:18

I agree with you Noonar - tell your SIL that you and dh will buy the bike for ger bday and she can spend an equal smaller amount on your dd's for christmas

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:19

'4-5 times'. sorry am stressed and tired. cant type at best of times.

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 29/11/2007 22:21

Sorry you feel got at, Noonar. But you did ask in your OP how others would handle this...

RedheadBaba · 29/11/2007 22:27

Noonar - I agree with you and IMHO people have gone straight in at the monetary value aspect of your situation which I don't think is the key issues.

A bike is a 'main' present in my mind and if DD2 doesn't have something similar (not necessary equal but just as 'special') it could cause upset in the future. While the girls may not understand the difference between the presents now, if it were to carry on they could soon start to feel that there was a favourite.

I'm not sure if there is really anything you can do about the present now, but could you somehow engineer situations where the IL's have more time with DD2 to build the same links.

I personally have very strong feelings that presents to an older child should not be considered as presents to the younger child(ren) on the basis they will end up with them at some point. Everyone needs something that is truely theirs.

motherhurdicure · 29/11/2007 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 29/11/2007 22:29

I am sorry you find me unkind. You asked for opinons, and you got it.

I misread your op, I thought you wanted to make a joint present for both of them together, not a joint Christmas/Birthday gift.

I have a 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year old, and have to handle relatives and gift giving on a regular basis, and it just cant be even or fair, or you might end of ruining the spirit of gift giving.

Another point is that any new toy the older child gets, is played with by the younger. But the older is hardly ever interested in new toys specifically for the youngest.

Also, over the year, you might come across something for one that is suitable for just the one of them, but next time, it may be for the other, I am sure it evens out, somehow...

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:29

bernard, i know, but i didnt ask for personal comments about my values- when the only value that is important to me here, actually, is fairness.

thankyou, red. hurrah. can stop banging head against brick wall now.

OP posts:

pointydog · 29/11/2007 22:33

well I wouldn't feel happy with such a lavish present being bought for one of my children. Although if her dp is into bikes, I suppose it's maybe just what they do. Would they get her a nintendo ds, for example, and something cheap for your sedond child?

I think you should try to live with this one without raising it as an issue but if no bike if offered for dd2, then I'd unmderstand the unfairness.

Original poster

noonar · 29/11/2007 22:37

pointy, thankyou. thats it exactly, one should not have a lavish present.

OP posts:

olsmum · 29/11/2007 22:39

obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinions but i think the matter here is more about the fact the sil is not respecting your wishes, you have stated your worries and she isnt doing anything. i would put my foot down while the children are still young, from what ive read, you dont want her to spend more on 3yo, just spend less on 5yo. (my dd got a lot of big expensive toys last year and she spent the next week playing with a plastic tea pot my granny gave her-couldnt have cost more than £2.50!)

pointydog · 29/11/2007 22:40

I think also it's easy for us to be very objective but when you feel your own children are being treated differently, it's hard to take.

floaty · 29/11/2007 22:50

I am amazed by the veiws on here.I would have been horrified if at these ages my children were bought such differing presents by a close family member (incidentally their godparents only buy for the godchild not all of them and the presents differ wildly but that is a special relationship).

My children probably wouldn't have been aware of the monetary difference but they would have perceived a bike as a "big present" a big deal in their eyes and at three would have certainly registered that this was bigger than say a doll or some lego.I would not have been happy for one of them to be favoured this way,we do not always spend the same on each child but they all get something which is of "equal value to them"

ds2 had a bike for Xmas klast year but it was jointly from us and both sets of grandparents and he was 9

maximummummy · 29/11/2007 22:55

going back to what we spend on our kids
i prob. spend more on ds who is younger as dd has already had all her BIG presents
eg bikes - tv/dvd - stereo etc etc
now it is his turn so if anything i spend less on her overall

also clothes shoes ds gets more more often as he outgrows stuff and wears stuff out

WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 23:01

The "equal value to them" was what I was trying to say all along, floaty. OK, a bike is a bit more obviously a Big Present but to a 3-yr-old or a 5-yr-old, whether something costs £10 or £50 or £100 really doesn't matter if it's something they want and will love to have.

It's not about money.

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