my SIL wants to buy ONE of my DDs a BIKE...but not the other

[noonar]

not sure how to handle this.

i have 2 dds, aged 5 and 3. the 5 year old gets far more attention from the inlaws and is closer to them/ spends more time with them than dd2. i feel very aware and sensitive about this. i have tried to (subtly) broach the subject with them, and tried to suggest ways redress the balance.

now my sil has ordered a £100 bike for dd1 for xmas- through her dp- who is hugely into bikes. dd2 doesnt need a bike, as she got one for her birthday. so, she's just getting a regular sized xmas present, with a pledge of a bigger bike when she needs it. this, incidently, wont be for at least 2 years- and i suspect it wont materialise at all.

sil came over today and i admittd that i had issues about the girls getting presents that were not of equal value. sil said that it was important for her too, to make it fair, and that dd1 would get a bike too, when needed.

i really dont wont to upset sil, and told her that if she made it a joint xmas/ bday present, that i'd feel a bit better about it.

am still not happy, though, and dont understand why they would want to get them such 'unequal' presents. sil said that she wsnt offended by my honesty and that she 'always takes things in a good way/ isnt offended'0- but i think that WE are the ones who should be offended, on dd2's behalf

how would you handle this??

Yes but if her sister hasn't got something equally valuable to her then its not fair at that age.In OP's original implication was that her younger child would get only a token present.I don't think mine would have bothered two hoots about how much something cost but they would have noticed at that age that one child was not being treated the same as the other

I quite often buy presents of different value for people. I tend to look for the right present for that person, rather than the right present at the right price. This doesn't mean that money is no object, I just like to buy the perfect present. So my mother and father might get presents costing very different amounts. I don't feel the need to then balance things out by buying any old thing.

TBH I see an element of favouritism by my mother between my niece (5) and nephew (2). My mother has spent a lot of time with my niece over the years. In contrast she has never spent much time with my nephew without my niece being present. So she knows one much better than the other and it is easy to see the difference. I don't think she likes or loves one more than the either, she just knows one better. Do you think this might be true in your case?

Oh right I got taht wrong them,I would however still feel very uncomfotable with this arrangementr ,it just doesn't "feel right"

Noonar , JUst read most of the posts and have to say I wholly agree with you. Well said Redheadbaba, you wrote everything i was thinking!!!

i too think a bike is a 'biggie' of a present. However it would seem logical to me and if i was buying the gifts that if one child was getting a 'biggie' of a present then i would want to d the same for the other child - not nec a bike, but a 'special' present, ie not a jigsaw. Isnt that what you do? Buying for our children, they get a biggie pressie and bits n pieces. Its not about how much that biggie cost, more that its 'special'. So it does seem rather odd that your SIL is only doing the biggie wiht one of your DD. Are they very well off - could it be that this bike, despite costing £100, is easily afforded by them so they dont really think about the cost? Also fail to see how your IL could be quite so insensitiive, especialy in light of the conversation yoru DH had re. how your DD 1&2 are treated, i would have thought that after this conv. they would /should have given extra thought to what they chose to give.
As for what to do..... . well i guess it depends on how imnportant it is to you and your DH. If you feel very strongly about it then i guess you have words, explain how you feel? Maybe it isnt a conscious thing, maybe if she knew how it would be percieved she owuld be horrified and want to rectify it? Or you take it on the chin, try not to dwell on it ..possibkl easier said than done.

hi, just wanted to return to this thread v briefly to say to floaty, orchide et al that i am grateful to your for taking the time to wade through this thread, and for understanding the point that i was trying to make. i had so many people criticise my stance on what seemed to me quite a black and white issue of unfairness, that i felt quite disconcerted by the whole thing.

not nice being in such a minority when you feel pasionate about something (i am defensive about dd2, but there is quite a bit of history...)

Noonar, I get the impression that there is a lot more going on than this particular Christmas gift.
I can't imagine how I would handle this, but you do seem to have broached the topic of unfairness with your inlaws and all I suggest is to repeat, repeat, repeat, which is a load of stress for you, but I can't think of another way.
On the issue of the amount of money spent, again, if you feel so strongly on the separate issue of the cost is to actually instruct them that you would like to set a minimum, or tell them you would prefer you would prefer vouchers or money into the childrens' savings accounts. At least that way it would be extremely difficult to spend more on your DD1 without being blatant.
It sounds like a really sticky situation and I know how emotionally charged family conflicts can become and how bitter. If you feel truly uncomfortable with the whole situation then I can't see how you can accept the bicycle.
At the end of the day you are the parent they will have to respect your parenting values, regardless of their own preferences.
I only have one little boy (spoiled first grandchild) and it would infuriate me if his sibling (fingers crossed) were left out. However, I can't help thinking about how I would deal with 'big' presents. Would I always have to buy a big present for one because the elder or younger received a 'rites of passage' type of big present: bike, pony , even if it wasn't appropriate for the other child that particular year?
Can you envisage a year when the inlaws buy a large present for DD2 and a small present for DD1 because DD2 is at the age to receive a bicycle or whatever?

hi maisie, thanks for your post

i think that the thing with with 'rites of passage presents' is that they need to be given to an older child when the youngest is far too young realise (ie 1 or 2yo),on the understanding that the youngest will get the same later- OR when both children are old enought to UNDERSTAND that 'they will get X when they are 13', for example, and know for sure that their turn will come.

the trouble with my situation is that both dds are old enough to understand that a bike is bigger than a jigsaw, for instance, and that that is not fair. but, as sil is fairly short of money, and i just dont feel that dd1 will ever get 'her turn' of getting a bike. so in that sense, things wont ever 'even out', as other posters have said.

The way i'd look at it was it is a gift to them both as surely the younger one will inherit the bike in due time?

ummm tricky one this.
We too have probelms with in laws and favouritism (we've chickened out of dealing with this this year but really just delayed the problem) fortunately my MIL is well known for her meanness and makes a point of boasting how she never gives my dcs gifts!!
I don't know the solution and we have never managed to solve the please give money/vouchers/ask for suggestions thing. FWIW I try to spend roughly the same on my neices/nephews and wouldn't plan on getting one such a major present and not the other. In terms of family liking one more then the other 'tis very sad but we've decided there's nothing we can do about it (hence chickening out) and you just have to get on with it. I hope you have no need for coping strategies for dd2 as she gets older

Out of interest do you know what SIL is going to get your DD2? I would say if SIL has thought about her and got an age-appropriate present then I'd be happy, even if it did cost less than DD1s. If this is repeated year on year then that might be a different story.

I expect however that DD2 will actually get pleasure from said bike in a couple of years too.