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Christmas

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Original poster

Who IBU here about hosting?

62 replies

FightLikeABrave · 13/08/2021 09:50

We have hosted PIL many, many times over 20 years at Christmas. We only have not ended up hosting when I have had enough and booked a holiday, or they go on holiday. My DH's sibling has never offered to host and when not in a relationship has come along to Christmas lunch as well. Many of these have been 2 or 3 night stays. My DP's live in another country and so it has been difficult to tell PIL they cannot come, as we didn't have anyone else coming over.

This year I have told my DH that I am not hosting his parents or his Dsis. His Dsis is now married and has their own home and is equally able to host as we are. Last year she booked a holiday, so didn't host. They didn't go in the end. This year she says she is hosting for her DH's family, so that means we will be expected to do it again. MIL will get very upset if they are alone at Christmas.

The other reason why I am not doing it is that my family has moved back to the UK and I want to invite them over. I have only spent 2 Christmases with them in the past 20 years. My DH says there is no reason why we can't invite his mum and dad as well but I don't want to. One of the reasons is because our Christmas looks nothing like a traditional day and over the years has been morphed into what they like. They don't like Turkey, stuffing, pigs in blankets, sprouts, they don't like prawns and they don't like Christmas pudding. If my family are here, I am doing the full Christmas monty, how we want it. Secondly, I want to just host my lot and I don't see why I should feel guilty about it when I have hosted them so many times.

I want DH to tell his sister that she can host them as it is well past her turn. It is not our problem if she has others coming over. If she doesn't, which I think she won't, it is not my problem. FYI it is not that he wants them here, he just feels guilty as his mum will get very upset, but won't have a word said against his sister never pulling her weight.

Also, I was a SAHM and so got lumbered with all the work, but now I work FT, and I don't have the time to host loads of people for days on end at Christmas.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 13/08/2021 09:53

Invite your parents!

If DH insists on inviting his, he will have to do the leg work for their meal if they don't want standard Christmas fare.

MiddleParking · 13/08/2021 09:56

I totally agree with you. They expect to come for Christmas every year and they don’t want fucking sprouts and pigs in blankets? No.

AnneElliott · 13/08/2021 10:00

I agree with you. The PILs have each other so won't be alone at Christmas and it's not unreasonable of you to want to host your family when you've done it so many times for his!

Foobydoo · 13/08/2021 10:01

Definitely not you
I would just explain like you have explained here.
How close geographically are dhs family to you?
If not that close you could just tell them you are spending Christmas with your family this year as they are back in the UK and you have only spent 2 out of 20 Christmasses with them, rather then saying you are hosting but they cannot come.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/08/2021 10:02

But surely you have the sprouts boiling away already op??

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/08/2021 10:10

I do think your DH should speak to his sister, explain the situation and ask her to consider inviting her parents.

If she won't (and I agree it's her turn) then personally I would invite them for Christmas day, not altering the planned menu and letting them know in advance that it will be the full traditional Christmas meal.

Yes, there are two of them, but for me two people eating alone at Christmas because neither of their adult children is prepared to have them to lunch is pretty sad.

Obviously your DH should do all the heavy lifting (I am aware that probably won't happen).

TakeYourFinalPosition · 13/08/2021 10:15

I want DH to tell his sister that she can host them as it is well past her turn.

That’s the only unreasonable bit. It’s pointless DH telling his sister anything, he can’t make her. He can suggest that she invites them over but it sounds like she doesn’t want to and has avoided it well.

It’s not at all unreasonable to say you won’t be hosting them, for any reason. MIL has plenty of time to decide what they want to do instead - they can still go away, or go out; or arrange to see friends/wider family/whatever.

FYI it is not that he wants them here, he just feels guilty as his mum will get very upset

Having made this the routine won’t help that… she’ll now expect it.

I’m a people pleaser through and through, so I struggle with upsetting people, but I’m working hard on acknowledging that people can be upset but I can also do what I need to do. So accept she’ll be upset for a bit, but let her know what’s happening so they can make other plans; and then it’s dealt with and not on anyone’s mind.

mam0918 · 13/08/2021 10:35

YANBU to do what you want if that includes not hosting then fine

YDHINBU to want his family there too

Neither is wrong you just need to compromise, thats part of being married.

YABVU to tell others what to do though... its not your place to tell people what to do or siblings jobs to host, you CHOSE too host (regardless of feeling 'guilty'), they choose not too just as you are doing now and that is their right.

I have never hosted a xmas and never would same way I would never drag my kids too others houses either. I honestly cant think of anything worse and I dont have one ounce of guilt over it and would frankly laugh in the face of anyone who told me I 'had to'.

Chloemol · 13/08/2021 10:35

Personally I would be texting sil and mil, same text, that you will be hosting your family this year, sure they understand it’s been years since you saw them at Christmas, so you are sure sil will be happy to have mil for Christmas

Then get on with your own Christmas

mam0918 · 13/08/2021 10:37

@Chloemol

Then get on with your own Christmas

You cant just volunteer someone else, IL dont need 'hosting' by anyone they can entertain themselves if no one offers but you cant demand others do.

mamatoTails · 13/08/2021 10:39

I would invite them because I'd feel sad if they were on their own. But, if they are super awkward and don't eat the usual Christmas food, then your DH will have to cook for them separately or tell them to sort their own meal out!

Perhaps everyone who comes can chip in and help out with the cooking etc? Just because you are hosting doesn't meal everything falls to you.

Howshouldibehave · 13/08/2021 10:42

@Chloemol

Then get on with your own Christmas

I’d be tempted to do this!

If your DH wants to host a dinner for his own parents over the Xmas period, he can-and he can cook it.

What would he say to that?

Bollindger · 13/08/2021 10:44

Just tell them your family will be here this Xmas. That your doing a full Xmas meal only.
Tell them since you know they hate the meal you will call them on Xmas and see them the next day...or meet somewhere Xmas eve for a meal out.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 10:45

I really don’t understand why a couple would be upset to be alone at Christmas.
I’ve loved our family Christmases and really gone to town but now the kids are grown, the idea of a lovely, quiet day, just husband and I doing and eating exactly what we want is rather appealing.

YANBU (different story if it’s a lone IL who doesn’t enjoy being on their own over Christmas)

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 10:51

You can’t force your SIL to do it, and you can’t stop your DH feeling bad about not inviting them. And as it’s his home as much as yours, you need to negotiate that aspect.

So, you (or your DH) could ask your SIL “what plans do you have to see your parents over the Christmas break?” And see what she says. Then you can say “because we’re hosting my family in Christmas Day this year so we’d better coordinate if you’re thinking of having them over for Boxing Day/Christmas Eve etc.

In terms of your PIL it’s better to offer something at the same time you’re ‘taking away’ the Christmas Day option. So if that’s inviting them to a big Boxing Day spread, or arranging to do New Year’s Day instead or what have you.

Crucially you just need to do it as soon as possible and with a firm ‘this is what’s happening’ stance.

Good luck!

Jumpingintosummer · 13/08/2021 11:00

I would say you ‘I know you will understand how excited I am to have a long overdue Christmas with my family, I can’t believe this is only the second in twenty years! How about we all get together at ours on Boxing Day for drinks and nibbles’.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/08/2021 11:08

Dh is welcome to have his childhood Xmas recreated with his dps should he wish. At his dps home. Op will be hosting a traditional Xmas her family's way. As she hasn't been able to do for pandering to the Scrooge family.

MeadowBrown · 13/08/2021 11:08

Having been in a similar situation, I would ring them up and say "I hope you understand that now my dps are back in the UK, we will be taking turns or alternating at Christmas" or something similar and "we wanted to give you plenty of notice". Then stay silent! It's over to them after that. I wouldn't mention their daughter at all. That's for them to sort out.

It's better just to be straight and direct with these things.. Obviously, you may want your DPS every Christmas to make up for lost time but you need to set the new tradition and be clear. Don't feel guilty, you have been very hospitable and accommodating in previous years, and you are the host so it is your prerogative who you invite.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 13/08/2021 11:25

@Chloemol

Then get on with your own Christmas

That won't help relations with SIL... and it might just start a competition with SIL to see who can opt the other person in earliest in the year.

A group text is a good idea though, I'd just ignore the SIL part as it'll just cause confrontation.

Message and say you're not hosting this year, but will see everyone on XX/XX, or whatever. Then they've got notice, and if they're whingers, mute your phone for a bit and deal with it later when they've got used to the idea.

WetBench · 13/08/2021 11:29

Invite your parents and have a lovely sparkly Christmas. If PIL mention it, head tilt and say they wouldn’t enjoy as you are doing a traditional Christmas that they wouldn’t enjoy and you’ve missed your turkey for years.
It’s not up to you to entertain adultsZ so what if they have Christmas by themselves. Tell them to go to a hotel or SIL.

Mustreadabook · 13/08/2021 11:35

YABU prawns are not a part of christmas dinner!

Can your DJ parents stay in a hotel and just come on the day for a ‘traditional xmas dinner’ ie turkey yes, pigs in blankets yes, prawns no!! Then other days you could go out separately with your family and DH can see his.

Howshouldibehave · 13/08/2021 11:51

@Mustreadabook

YABU prawns are not a part of christmas dinner!

We always have prawn cocktail as a Xmas starter! If that’s what’s traditional in OP’s family, that’s what they have!

Couldhavebeenme2 · 13/08/2021 11:52

It's not Christmas Dinner if there are no pigs in blankets.

Ergo, mil is arguing about nothing. You are hosting Christmas for your own family. Mil can come for Sunday lunch any other day of the year. SIL needs to take her turn.

rainbowstardrops · 13/08/2021 11:58

Definitely invite your family for a change. Can you invite the in laws round another day instead?

MindyStClaire · 13/08/2021 12:03

YANBU. We're the younger sibling here on DH's side, BIL hosted us every second year and PIL every year. Now we have DC and stay home and PIL come and BIL and co are of course welcome.

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