Who IBU here about hosting?

[FightLikeABrave]

We have hosted PIL many, many times over 20 years at Christmas. We only have not ended up hosting when I have had enough and booked a holiday, or they go on holiday. My DH's sibling has never offered to host and when not in a relationship has come along to Christmas lunch as well. Many of these have been 2 or 3 night stays. My DP's live in another country and so it has been difficult to tell PIL they cannot come, as we didn't have anyone else coming over.

This year I have told my DH that I am not hosting his parents or his Dsis. His Dsis is now married and has their own home and is equally able to host as we are. Last year she booked a holiday, so didn't host. They didn't go in the end. This year she says she is hosting for her DH's family, so that means we will be expected to do it again. MIL will get very upset if they are alone at Christmas.

The other reason why I am not doing it is that my family has moved back to the UK and I want to invite them over. I have only spent 2 Christmases with them in the past 20 years. My DH says there is no reason why we can't invite his mum and dad as well but I don't want to. One of the reasons is because our Christmas looks nothing like a traditional day and over the years has been morphed into what they like. They don't like Turkey, stuffing, pigs in blankets, sprouts, they don't like prawns and they don't like Christmas pudding. If my family are here, I am doing the full Christmas monty, how we want it. Secondly, I want to just host my lot and I don't see why I should feel guilty about it when I have hosted them so many times.

I want DH to tell his sister that she can host them as it is well past her turn. It is not our problem if she has others coming over. If she doesn't, which I think she won't, it is not my problem. FYI it is not that he wants them here, he just feels guilty as his mum will get very upset, but won't have a word said against his sister never pulling her weight.

Also, I was a SAHM and so got lumbered with all the work, but now I work FT, and I don't have the time to host loads of people for days on end at Christmas.

Who IBU here?

Yes, I meant to add below that, as a veteran of Christmas hosting, I would recommend to anyone establishing their own traditions for the first time, to by all means alternate parents and pils every year but also it's a good idea to add in a "third" year just for you, especially if you are working ft, you might appreciate the break every third year and it's lovely to have a slightly more relaxed Christmas every so often and not be on full hosting mode.

Hosting is really only for the odd ends that would be alone otherwise and age has nothing to do with anything they could be 19, 49 or 99.

@mam0918 My parents are both gone and I am the only unattached sibling. I would to be thought of as an "odd end".

I would send a group message to SIL and PIL and just state “as you all know my parents are back in the U.K. so we are going to be having Xmas dinner with my parents this year”

@Andylion

Hosting is really only for the odd ends that would be alone otherwise and age has nothing to do with anything they could be 19, 49 or 99.

@mam0918 My parents are both gone and I am the only unattached sibling. I would to be thought of as an "odd end".

But you said 'unattached' (your own wording) and you're not married so your not a 'knot' so you are litrally an 'end'.

You need to take your Sil out of the equation. You cannot make her do anything.
Simply inform your PIL's that you won't be able to host them this year as you are hosting your parents.
They survive when you go away at Christmas, they will survive this too.
How they 'survive' is nothing to do with you. Don't get dragged into being responsible for them.
If your DH can't bear to not have Christmas with them. He can go to their house.

Just tell them you're hosting your own family only. If DH feels that bad he's more than welcome to have Christmas Dinner with them at their house.

I like the wording of OurChristmasMiracle’s suggested text to The PIL and SIL, deliberately vague so that it could be interpreted as going out for dinner/going to parents/or entertaining parents at your home. They don’t need to know which, only that you are not entertaining them this year. OP, you deserve to have your family with you after so many years and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for it.

I imagine SIL is pleased to avoid the dinner if it has to be only what PIL like to eat, and doesn’t sound like the sort to put herself out, so be glad you don’t have to cater to her either.

I agree that PIL will survive, there is plenty of time for them to book a dinner out, or they could buy ready made food to just put in the oven.

I would send PiL and SiL a joint text along the lines of, “just to let you know that we’re hosting my lot this year for Christmas so we won’t be seeing you on the day, but hopefully we can catch up between Christmas and NY”.

What SiL does then is up to her. She’s under no obligation though.

I’d send the text ASAP in case they want to book lunch somewhere.

And irrespective of who’s coming, your DH needs to pull his weight tbh. You can’t carry on being the Christmas skivvy.

Of course you don't have to host them, but nor does your SIL. You are however bring U to have ever considered having Xmas dinner without turkey, pigs in blankets or Xmas pudding.

This year I have told my DH that I am not hosting his parents or his Dsis.

This is unreaasonable. If you don't want to host, say so. But if you only want to host your family and not his, it's going to get tricky. As for the backstory of doing Christmas the way your ILs want and now wanting to do it the way your family did - do it how you want and stop making excuses. No one else's tastes besides your H's matter.

YABU prawns are not a part of christmas dinner!
Don't be so fucking stupid. Prawn cocktail starter is the law on Christmas day

Just set your stall out early that you’ll be alternating starting With your family and a turkey dinner this year