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Christmas

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Original poster

Who IBU here about hosting?

62 replies

FightLikeABrave · 13/08/2021 09:50

We have hosted PIL many, many times over 20 years at Christmas. We only have not ended up hosting when I have had enough and booked a holiday, or they go on holiday. My DH's sibling has never offered to host and when not in a relationship has come along to Christmas lunch as well. Many of these have been 2 or 3 night stays. My DP's live in another country and so it has been difficult to tell PIL they cannot come, as we didn't have anyone else coming over.

This year I have told my DH that I am not hosting his parents or his Dsis. His Dsis is now married and has their own home and is equally able to host as we are. Last year she booked a holiday, so didn't host. They didn't go in the end. This year she says she is hosting for her DH's family, so that means we will be expected to do it again. MIL will get very upset if they are alone at Christmas.

The other reason why I am not doing it is that my family has moved back to the UK and I want to invite them over. I have only spent 2 Christmases with them in the past 20 years. My DH says there is no reason why we can't invite his mum and dad as well but I don't want to. One of the reasons is because our Christmas looks nothing like a traditional day and over the years has been morphed into what they like. They don't like Turkey, stuffing, pigs in blankets, sprouts, they don't like prawns and they don't like Christmas pudding. If my family are here, I am doing the full Christmas monty, how we want it. Secondly, I want to just host my lot and I don't see why I should feel guilty about it when I have hosted them so many times.

I want DH to tell his sister that she can host them as it is well past her turn. It is not our problem if she has others coming over. If she doesn't, which I think she won't, it is not my problem. FYI it is not that he wants them here, he just feels guilty as his mum will get very upset, but won't have a word said against his sister never pulling her weight.

Also, I was a SAHM and so got lumbered with all the work, but now I work FT, and I don't have the time to host loads of people for days on end at Christmas.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:

Original poster

FightLikeABrave · 13/08/2021 13:34

I know I can’t tell SIL what to do, but she is a seriously CF’er. She has sat back for years and let us host and pay for everything. Now she’s married and settled it’s time for her to do her fair share. She’s middle aged FFS.

Moving forward I want to host PIL every other year and have the other year with my family or go away. I think this is fair. I think SIL should pick up the other year, but can’t make her obviously.

I know this sounds horrible, but It’s not fair to lumber this on us —me— every year. You can see the resentment I have accumulated.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 13/08/2021 13:41

I vote take a big step back and only offer to do every other year. To be fair all of your IL’s sound like CF’s. Not sure why your MIL and FIL think they can veto the whole menu, it’s not all about them

uktrippin · 13/08/2021 13:44

You're seriously invested in your SIL when you should just be telling your PILs that this year you'll be spending Christmas with your parents. Give them time to come up with other arrangements.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 13:50

Moving forward I want to host PIL every other year and have the other year with my family or go away. I think this is fair. I think SIL should pick up the other year, but can’t make her obviously.

I think it’s fine to tell your SIL this is your family’s plan from now on - and then she’s informed. You can’t tell her to do the other years. But your DH could talk to her along the lines of ‘coordinating what years we each have Mum & Dad’ - because as it stands if she did the same as you, you’re on the same yearly schedule at the moment i.e. both hosting others this year so therefore next year you’re going to end up with PIL while she doesn’t, and the year after she’ll be hosting others again and PIL alone…

So your DH needs to approach it, on your behalf, as “Dear sis, can we talk about mum and dad and Christmas in the future? We’re only going to be able to host them every other year now that FightLikeABrave’s parents are back, so I just wanted to make sure we aren’t all accidentally on a schedule where Mum and Dad are alone every other year. Have you and BIL thought about whether you’ll host them sometime?’

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Might as well be direct. And it’s your DH’s job to do it. Your job is just to hold the line about only hosting every second year.

Hercisback · 13/08/2021 13:51

Say you're hosting your family and leave it at that. You can't force SIL CF or not.

Jasmine11 · 13/08/2021 13:54

If you are feeling nice you could invite your PILs too, but be clear that you are doing a traditional Christmas and if they don't like it they will have to self cater.

picklemewalnuts · 13/08/2021 14:02

Talk at great length about how pleased you are to have a trad Christmas with your parents for the first time in 20 years. Great length. How busy you are working so will struggle to get everything done, but are still looking forward to it.

Great length, on repeat. Be boring.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 14:10

You don’t even have to offer every other year. If you do, you organise and host the your side years and DH does everything for the his side ones.

You need to seriously let go of the idea your SIL will do what you want or even should. No one has a right to be hosted by anyone at Christmas or any other day of the year. She doesn’t owe you or her mum and dad anything.

But you can be extremely clear that this year is only your family and refuse to discuss plans for next year until nearer the time.

picklemewalnuts · 13/08/2021 14:19

Invite them for a Boxing Day buffet. What they do the rest of the time is not your concern.

mam0918 · 13/08/2021 14:30

@FightLikeABrave

Moving forward I want to host PIL every other year and have the other year with my family or go away. I think this is fair. I think SIL should pick up the other year, but can’t make her obviously.

I know this sounds horrible, but It’s not fair to lumber this on us —me— every year. You can see the resentment I have accumulated.

'Now she’s married and settled it’s time for her to do her fair share. She’s middle aged FFS.'

Errr... when you marry and settle you usually STOP hosting and focus on your nuclear family, she has a DH now (and you havent mentioned but possibly children or possibly planning children in the near future) so IS 'settling' into her new immediate family and thats her priority.

Hosting is really only for the odd ends that would be alone otherwise and age has nothing to do with anything they could be 19, 49 or 99.

Your inlaws do not require hosting, they are fully capable adults (unless you left out you are their full time cares because the have demantia or something) that arent even alone... perfectly capable of a day alone and making their own plans.

Unless you are the type that loves having a house full of people so choose to host the stragglers then there is no reason too, you are CHOOSING too and you dont get to force that view on other who have their own lives to sort and prioritise.

Cattitudes · 13/08/2021 14:35

You could take a 1 in 3 approach- this year your parents, next year go away, year after his parents, then your parents etc. Or maybe your parents might host you this year, you could help out with food, then you can't host his parents. Let SIL make her own plans.

Luannee · 13/08/2021 14:40

Every other year is fine. It's not up to you to arrange what PIL do the year they're not with you.

Just tell them it's every other year from now on and leave them to make their own plans.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 14:50

Just tell his family you’re not hosting this year, you don’t need to tell them what you’re doing, just that you’re having a traditional lunch they way you like it, and that you’re letting them know so they can make plans without worrying about you etc.

Disneycharacter · 13/08/2021 14:52

If SIL refuses to cooperate and not invite them over one of the days, maybe your DH could cater for them on Boxing Day with a much more relaxed afternoon tea type of thing?

Luannee · 13/08/2021 14:54

Hang on, how old are they? Can they not cook?

UserStillatLarge · 13/08/2021 14:56

I'm assuming that everyone here is an adult so knows there is nothing inherently magical about Christmas Day

So you can have your parents on Christmas Day; do the day the way you want it and go to your inlaws (or they come to yours) on Boxing Day.

Do it the other way round next year.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 13/08/2021 14:58

I appreciate that you’re annoyed that because she hasn’t done it, you’ve ended up doing it; but neither your DH or his sister have to host your parents.

And I think it’s more commonplace for people to stop hosting wider family when they get married and have their own children, and focus more on the nuclear family.

But that’s irrelevant. You don’t need to host them every year, the pressure is entirely of your own making (along with DH) and you can easily end it by stopping the expectation that they’ll be at yours. Just let them know that you’re not hosting them this year. You don’t need to commit to every other year, or every third year, or whatever, if you don’t want to. There doesn’t need to be a pattern.

It’d be unfair to simmer over this for a few months and then tell them late on when they can’t make other plans, but it’s August, so even if they’ve got in the habit of expecting an invite, they can make other plans, they’ve got plenty of time.

You can protect your time without SIL stepping up, because there’s a real chance she won’t, she hasn’t thus far.

My in-laws are quite clingy and get a really bad rep on here; and DH is an only child, and even they can cope with going out for dinner or eating by themselves for the year. They’d rather not, but it’d make us miserable to have to host every year, sometimes we go away, or see my side, instead. They’re still happy. They still have a good Christmas. MIL does her woe-is-me act and reminds us she won’t always be alive and what will happen when her or FIL is alone; and then they sort themselves out, and they always end up happy.

Honestly; from someone with a tendency to make myself uncomfortable for other people and then get angry about it… you’re doing the same. Just free yourself from it. It’s not happening this year, DH is on board, SIL & DHs parents can sort themselves out together or otherwise.

daisydaisy7 · 13/08/2021 15:04

We alternate between Dh's family and my family every year.
I'd just say you're having your family this year because you haven't seen them in so long. Hopefully PIL get the hint and try get and invite to their DD's Christmas instead. Not that you need an excuse.
Christmas can become so messy and complicated and it drives me bananas.

KobaniDaughters · 13/08/2021 15:13

Sounds like it’s your DH you need to have a word with. I wouldn’t even discuss future years just say, as you’ve said, this year you’d like to host your family and he needs to tell his parents now with plenty of time for them to sort out an alternative

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 15:40

We only have not ended up hosting when I have had enough and booked a holiday, or they go on holiday.

In fact, all this is a non-issue because there’s precedent that you don’t host them every time - they can and do go on holiday and you can and do go away too.

You hosting your parents is the same, except for your DH’s perception that his parents could be included because you’re home & hosting anyway.

Work on him, not your SIL!

Elbie79 · 13/08/2021 15:56

@Chloemol

Personally I would be texting sil and mil, same text, that you will be hosting your family this year, sure they understand it’s been years since you saw them at Christmas, so you are sure sil will be happy to have mil for Christmas

Then get on with your own Christmas

Yeah just do this. DH and his entire family are being v unfair. Sod it. Enjoy planning an actual proper Christmas with all the trimmings for a change.

LittleMysSister · 13/08/2021 16:12

I would invite them but make sure they know you are doing a traditional Christmas dinner so up to them if they want to join in with that.

I can see why your DH feels bad at the thought of them being alone and his mum being upset. I wouldn't be happy to leave my parents alone at Christmas unless I knew they'd be happy with that too.

I would get your DH to speak to SIL though and find out whether she plans to do alternate years with her DH's family, and if she does that she will need to host PIL next year and not expect everyone to be invited to yours.

NoYOUbekind · 13/08/2021 16:16

You can only change yourself - you can't change anyone else.

So if you don't want to invite PILs then don't - but you can't expect or suggest that SIL will have them over. If having people over for Christmas Day was something she wanted to do, she would have done it by now - she doesn't want to, you can't make her.

The other thing you can change is your Christmas menu... you don't need anyone's permission. Get the sprouts on, you're running out of time!

Notaroadrunner · 13/08/2021 16:24

Why do you have to host anyone? Have you ever had a Christmas with just your Dh and kids, if you have any?

This year be firm in that you will only be cooking for your family and if Dh wants to have his parents over another day then he can cook for them. Give them plenty of notice that your family are coming so you'll see them another day over the holidays - better still arrange to meet them for a meal out.

Floralnomad · 13/08/2021 16:30

If the only reason you don’t want to have them is because you want to cook what you like etc just tell them they are welcome to come but you have your parents as well this year so will be doing a proper Christmas lunch .

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