How do I say I want nothing?

[kowari]

Too late for this year but thinking of next. I've tried saying 'Nothing', 'Please don't get me anything', 'There's nothing I need' and 'I'd prefer to just buy for the children'. I'm happy to buy small presents for adults who enjoy getting presents, but if stopping meant they'd stop for me then I'd do that. I've tried suggesting foodbank, this is ignored.

Like many, I've had a difficult year, yet my expressed wishes are being completely disregarded again. I like Christmas, I just don't want anything.

I agree you can't change others, I just used to put things straight in a charity shop box. I say 'thank you' as my side of an utterly pointless procedure and barely even look at the gifts. The less I thought about them the less it bothered me.

There's no way to explain to people who don't want to understand. The gift givers want to change you, you want to change them. The best way out is to let them waste their money and stop thinking about it entirely.

I have explained I don't want luxury items
or clothes or cosmetics but people still buy them. Ugh.

One year I somehow persuaded people to buy things I could actually use -
a few bottles of really nice quality balsamic vinegar and olive oil,
some spice rubs for the BBQ,
a selection of seeds for my garden,
food for the bird feeders,
some coconut oil, cocoa nibs and - - expensive nuts to make yummy things with,
shaped baking parchment liners for my loaf tin so I don't have to piece together bits of paper

And some other practical items I denied myself during the year just so that I could ask for them for Christmas.

We really didn’t want wedding presents; we’d been together for years and it seemed daft to ask for things.

Thing is, people like to buy presents. We got a lot of pushback. So we went for “something for the garden,” and it was great.

I have really cut down this year. My DC are getting less and TBH they don't care. A lot of what DC are bought is more about the parents than the DC. They are happy with a few things.
I've slashed what we buy parents as it was getting out of hand. DH and I are buying each other things we need or want and have held off. I have a few small DC in my extended family and have bought them something small.

It's adults that are still a nightmare in my family. The expect thoughtful, costly gifts and get offended if not bought. I've had enough though. I've offloaded 2 adults this year as one emigrated and the other I'm am not buying as last year they didn't reciprocate after kicking up a fuss when I tried to say no presents. There are a couple more I'm going to say no presents exchanged please and I know I'll get cats bum face.

I went extreme zero waste a couple of years ago and my friends were amazing! People love to give gifts so I think you need to allow them the opportunity to do this and be quite clear about the sorts of things you want. I was given money specifically to be spent on theatre tickets (I love the theatre), second hand clothes in natural materials, seeds, second hand books, a homemade cake.... my books were even wrapped in newspaper recipe and gardening pages and the clothes were given in a reusable cloth bag. I was so touched at the thought and effort that went into all my gifts. Absolutely everything was used and appreciated. 🥰

I give relatives an oxfam unwrapped item or world wildlife support a snow leopard for a year membership, or guide dog, or elephant or whatever.

The beauty of that is that (for some of these gifts not all) they get a lovely cuddly toy to wrap for you to open in Christmas Day (which makes them feel good and you can give to charity straight away).

And if you enjoyed it you can ask for it again next year. Makes it easy for all concerned. “Yes, I’m glad you asked what I wanted, I’d really like to sponsor that guide dog Timmy again this year please, i really like her”.

Plus ask for toiletries (pick a so called ‘favourite’ brand that’s affordable from Boots or whatever, it’s better to give £30 worth of many products in gift boxes to charity than one £30 bottle of perfume for the same price, as it will help more people. Or jammies and other gifts womens shelters will be grateful for.

It’s annoying when people don’t listen. It’s about them not you. And that’s the exact polar opposite of what Christmas is meant to be about!

You also mentioned you get stressed. Is there anything that could help you with that? Counselling sessions for a year or something could cost a massive chunk of cash and would be very helpful, I’d live that, but again they can’t wrap that so it depends on how much of an issue that is for them!

@NoSquirrels

it hurts to have my wishes disregarded. There are ten adults who buy for me, there's no way I could use £150 of toiletries or Christmas food.

But you can reframe your feelings around "having your wishes disregarded". You really can.

Mostly we cannot change other people's behaviour, we can only change our reactions to it.

So ask for toiletries and chocolate and socks and hats, or whatever you think can be passed on easily and without drama. You don't have to keep £150's worth of toiletries or whatever. Someone else will be grateful for them.

So pass them on. Find some charities you believe in that you can support. Find out what - apart from money - they like to accept as donations.

Homeless shelters and women's refuges: new, clean socks, underwear, base layers, hats, scarves, gloves, toiletries

Food banks: biscuits, jams, hot chocolate, tea bags, coffee, crackers

Animal charities: old towels and bedding (you keep the new versions and donate your old ones)

You just need to reframe it.

It is a little bit unkind to say that your wishes trump the present giver's wishes. Why are either of you more important? Just work out a way to make it feel acceptable to you.

So why can't the gift giver change their mindset about having their wishes disregarded? Why can't they just accept that somebody does not want a gift and leave it at that?

"what would you like for Christmas?"

"Oh really I'm fine, I'd rather you didn't spend your money on me, but thank you any way"

"Ok, have a great Christmas and we'll catch up in the New Year"

Is that really so difficult to do??

Reciprocal gift giving is a very basic part of most human cultures.
It is very hardwired into a lot of humans which means it is hard for those who don't want to participate in it.

It will be easier to ask for gifts you would like to pass on to others, such as food banks, refuges and animal shelters.
Than getting people to stop giving you things because giving you things meets other people's emotional needs.

I'm the same OP. Ridiculously difficult to buy for and don't need anything. I'd rather be given nothing than gifts I'll never use and will be given away. It is such a waste of money and effort.

So why can't the gift giver change their mindset about having their wishes disregarded? Why can't they just accept that somebody does not want a gift and leave it at that?

The gift giver could, if they wanted to. But clearly they don’t want to.

And as you cannot control other people’s actions, only your own reactions, it’s pointless to expend your emotional energy getting cross and upset that someone is not doing what you’d prefer.

I’m not saying either side is inherently right or inherently wrong.

OP, if the problem isn't really about Christmas presents but general communication, have you explored assertiveness training? Or perhaps couples therapy so that your partner understands you more and has your back? There are lots of helpful books and resources out there.

I'm not sending masses of cards this year either only to the elderly relatives that expect one.

@NoSquirrels

So why can't the gift giver change their mindset about having their wishes disregarded? Why can't they just accept that somebody does not want a gift and leave it at that?

The gift giver could, if they wanted to. But clearly they don’t want to.

And as you cannot control other people’s actions, only your own reactions, it’s pointless to expend your emotional energy getting cross and upset that someone is not doing what you’d prefer.

I’m not saying either side is inherently right or inherently wrong.

I think the gift pusher giver is in the wrong actually, but I agree it is less stressful to minimise and ignore than try to change them.

@Oxyiz

OP, if the problem isn't really about Christmas presents but general communication, have you explored assertiveness training? Or perhaps couples therapy so that your partner understands you more and has your back? There are lots of helpful books and resources out there.

I don't see how much clearer I can be. If someone told me they wanted nothing I would get them nothing. I don't have a partner, it's just me and DS.

Thank you for the replies, I have read them all even if I haven't replied. I do like to give, I understand that some people have emotional needs met by giving, but I feel there are so many opportunities to give where a present or donation is wanted or needed.

I hadn't thought of deliberately asking for things I know I can donate, that's a great idea I can use. I've tried asking for things I like but don't need but I have usually lost interest in the month or two between the suggestion and receiving the present so then I feel awful for having asked for it. I think in future I will continue to suggest charities first, then ask for donatable things if that idea is rejected.