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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

How do I say I want nothing?

90 replies

kowari · 30/11/2020 07:17

Too late for this year but thinking of next. I've tried saying 'Nothing', 'Please don't get me anything', 'There's nothing I need' and 'I'd prefer to just buy for the children'. I'm happy to buy small presents for adults who enjoy getting presents, but if stopping meant they'd stop for me then I'd do that. I've tried suggesting foodbank, this is ignored.

Like many, I've had a difficult year, yet my expressed wishes are being completely disregarded again. I like Christmas, I just don't want anything.

OP posts:

Martinisarebetterdirty · 30/11/2020 08:55

I don’t think the givers are selfish, it is social conditioning to give gifts at Christmas to loved ones. I’m also sure that a fair few people who say they don’t want anything would be mortified to actually receive nothing (not including you OP). I find it really stressful thinking of ideas too, I buy what I want and am incredibly picky so anything ‘surprise’ generally doesn’t work.
I absolutely second the national trust membership, or experiences. Also, if you can upgrade any of your day to day consumables that sometimes works too.

NoSquirrels · 30/11/2020 09:00

I think the best thing to do is to adjust your mindset.

OK, so you’ll continue to get gifts. What can you ask for - enthusiastically and explicitly - that would fulfil the giver’s needs to buy something suitably gift-ish and your needs to donate it or pass it on easily and with a sense it will benefit someone else.

Book tokens & a box of chocolates would mean you could give the tokens to a school library and chocolates to the food bank.

Toiletry sets are wanted by homeless shelters, as are new socks, hats and gloves.

And absolve yourself from any bad feelings about giving things away. You told the giver you specifically didn’t want the item they sent you. Give it away. If they ask where it is, tell them you have it away because you didn’t need it - and someone was very grateful for it. Almost everything can be given away on FB etc. It’s not your problem to manage their feelings around you giving it away.

OldBalls · 30/11/2020 09:00

Would giving cash be ok? I guess it gets awkward when you give someone 20 quids and anotger 50... or they give you 10 and you gave them 50... hmmm

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 30/11/2020 09:08

Just donate the things they give you. It’s certainly not something which should be a source of stress so not to let it be one.
I’m lucky now as most people seem to listen when I say I don’t want anything, they know the best thing they can do is to donate to an animal charity for me.

tinselvestsparklepants · 30/11/2020 09:10

I'm the same as you OP. I hate getting things! Most of my family are great and give me nothing. My mother in law on the other hand insists! The way we (DH and I) have managed her over the years is to give very clear suggestions of what we would like. This year we've asked for a pot planted with spring bulbs. For my birthday I ask for a book I want. I realise the giving is very important to her so I go along with it, but I ask for things I can cope with receiving. (Great idea re asking for things you can donate. I was given a choc advent calendar this week - eugh the plastic waste! Took it straight to the food bank so at least a child can properly enjoy it)

ConcernedParentAgain · 30/11/2020 09:16

I totally hear you OP.
I just had this conversation with a family member.

What do you want for Christmas?
Nothing thanks, I don't need anything. I've spent all year decluttering so please don't get me anything.
But I've GOT to get you something. Do you need a new torch? Or some socks? What about some new sweatbands, you do a lot of running?

Honestly I was screaming inside.
The problem I have is that my relatives just won't budge and the reason is that they are all childish and want to open presents like a 3-year old.

ConcernedParentAgain · 30/11/2020 09:19

Just to add. eBay stuff you won't use. We've made £1500 this year selling our unwanted stuff.

Lovemusic33 · 30/11/2020 09:21

I hate getting gifts too unless it’s something I have asked for or something really unique. My dm has a habit of buying me tat and fluffy PJ’s that I will never wear (far to hot in fluffy pj’s and they are usually ones with snowmen on them), she also buys me toiletries that I can’t use as I have eczema so they end up at the school raffle. My DF usually buys me some useless gadget that I will never use or again toiletries. I would be happy with a voucher or cash though as that’s always useful.

RedskyAtnight · 30/11/2020 09:28

@ConcernedParentAgain

Just to add. eBay stuff you won't use. We've made £1500 this year selling our unwanted stuff.

Well yes. But that's unwanted hassle. I'd rather the gift giver just gave us cash if that's where we're going to end up.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 30/11/2020 09:35

I am the same OP - l say to my sister every year just go and buy yourself something you would like and l will buy myself something rather than the faff of sending links to each other etc. Every year she gets me £20 worth of shit from Primark that l don't need or want. Would rather not bother. Got another friend who insists we do kids presents but her kids don't even know me. So even if l don't buy for them, she would still buy for us and l just look tight and miserable. So l limit it to £5 per child now.

Mustbethewine · 30/11/2020 09:41

If they're adamant to get you something can you maybe ask for them to donate some money to a charity of your choosing? No gifts for you bit also helping out a good cause.

triceratops12 · 30/11/2020 09:45

I honestly dislike people like this, sorry. It really takes the fun out of Christmas. Just graciously say thank you.

CorianderQueen · 30/11/2020 09:48

Ask them to donate to a chosen charity?

Mintjulia · 30/11/2020 09:56

Ask for something practical or consumable that you know you will use.

This year I've requested mascara, socks, underwear, hair clips, and notelets, which will all get used. The great thing about people ordering everything online is that you can suggest some links and then they don't buy the wrong ones.

pastandpresent · 30/11/2020 10:01

I find it easier to suggest something that will be used, like food, art material, books, etc. If my dh asks what I want, I would say some practical domestic appliances. It's better than getting jewellery or perfume I won't wear, I'd like to choose them myself.

RaininSummer · 30/11/2020 10:01

Bit mean spirited. Can't you just you suggest a few paperbacks, socks, food item or something for people to choose from.

RedskyAtnight · 30/11/2020 10:06

@triceratops12

I honestly dislike people like this, sorry. It really takes the fun out of Christmas. Just graciously say thank you.

Why does your need to have "fun" by giving people a gift trump the recipients desire to have "fun" by not getting a gift?

I do graciously say thank you. Whilst wondering what on earth I do with the gift that I didn't want in the first place.

Every year there are threads from people moaning that a loved one bought them something that was really thoughtless. Everyone sympathises.. Well, buying a gift for someone who doesn't want one is equally thoughtless. Would you buy a bottle of wine for an alcoholic and insist they should graciously say thank you?

gamerchick · 30/11/2020 10:14

I just ask for stuff I can donate to the school prize cupboard. They always want stuff. Or some nice bath sheets or socks. Nobody can have enough socks imo.

Just takes the stress out.

NamedyChangedy · 30/11/2020 10:15

If you've clearly expressed that you don't want any gifts, you should dispose of the items in whatever way is most comfortable for you. If it's someone you're close to it could be a polite but firm 'thanks for thinking of me, but I don't want or need this'.

Or to avoid any possible drama / confrontation, you could simply take them to the charity shop afterwards, although they may not be open this year.

Trousersareoverrated · 30/11/2020 10:22

Is it just the receiving you don’t like? Do you still buy people things? Could you ask to spend the money on a meal out together? If not ask for vouchers (restaurant,online shopping etc), season passes to somewhere local, donations to charity, adopt an animal, alcohol (if you drink it), fancy shampoo or conditioner. Have you really not got any need for a new dress/hat/scarf/bedding etc? You can send specific links to things you like.

KiposWonderbeasts · 30/11/2020 10:25

@RaininSummer

Bit mean spirited. Can't you just you suggest a few paperbacks, socks, food item or something for people to choose from.

I agree. Exchanging gifts is how our culture celebrates Christmas. I love choosing gifts, wrapping them.

In years when I honestly don’t want Stuff, I’ve asked for tickets or theatre vouchers, membership to a charity (DH got me a family RSPB membership one birth), book tokens or consumables like nice cheese or homemade preserves.

You can take part without acquiring stuff. Ask for a Oxfam goat or something, or a donation to a charity in your name.

rottiemum88 · 30/11/2020 10:33

I don't really understand why you can't ask for consumables which you know you'll use? E.g. shampoo... why not ask for a nice one? Then put it in the cupboard until your current one runs out. Or a food based gift that you know you'll like.

TheLastStarfighter · 30/11/2020 10:46

Exchanging gifts is part of a cultural social contract, and insisting you don’t want anything is just as bad as if you were to say you weren’t getting anything for someone else. You need to hold up your end by receiving.

“ Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.”

The price of having people who care for you is that you need to put in in some effort on your side to establish what you could bear to receive. Supermarket vouchers that you can spend on the foodbank, membership to a charitable organisation, bird seed, a half day of a gardener for a spring tidy up ...

I used to ask my husband fir £100 to be spent on the local toy-drive as my Christmas present. It gave him pleasure to give, and my pleasure to both receive and give at the same time.

Most people get pleasure by giving, so why would you deny them that?

Original poster

kowari · 30/11/2020 10:50

I love Christmas otherwise. Presents are not what Christmas is about to me, people enjoy different things about Christmas. I buy presents for those who like them. I just want the same consideration shown to me, it hurts to have my wishes disregarded. There are ten adults who buy for me, there's no way I could use £150 of toiletries or Christmas food. I've suggested charities and I am ignored.

OP posts:

TheLastStarfighter · 30/11/2020 11:18

I am sorry you are feeling hurt. Have you tried having that blunt a conversation with them? Explaining that you don’t get joy from giving or receiving, that you give without joy because it is something they want, and that while you understand that you will be denying them some small joy in their giving, you feel it is overshaddowed by the pain you feel in receiving? I think a lot of people will find it hard to understand, so may need to have it really spelled out to them.

Beware of the hurt you may cause though. The subtext to what you are saying to them is “I have my world under my control, and I am not prepared to let you in to disrupt it”. Is it worth rejecting people that way?

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