How do I say I want nothing?

[kowari]

Too late for this year but thinking of next. I've tried saying 'Nothing', 'Please don't get me anything', 'There's nothing I need' and 'I'd prefer to just buy for the children'. I'm happy to buy small presents for adults who enjoy getting presents, but if stopping meant they'd stop for me then I'd do that. I've tried suggesting foodbank, this is ignored.

Like many, I've had a difficult year, yet my expressed wishes are being completely disregarded again. I like Christmas, I just don't want anything.

I do get joy from giving to people who I know like presents.

Think it's about time we re-examine that social construct.

There are an increasing number of people who find it pointless & outdated. Who get upset at the waste.

Op you could also try asking for peoples time and company instead, a coffee out or trip to a museum

You know, I think that in your case, you probably think that if you were given something, then you must give something in return! I don't know what other people think, but for me, it's completely different. I love giving, much more getting. Pretty sure that if you are surrounded by people who love you and want to give you something for Christmas, it comes from the heart. You should not refuse it and convince everyone that you don't need gifts, because you can hurt your loved ones.

It's not much from the heart if it's putting their wishes above those of the recipient

I think if somebody just says they don’t want anything, people think they’re just being polite/awkward. You need to say you’ve decided to stop exchanging adult presents to save waste, time and money or whatever.

Or suggest a Secret Santa among a family group with a low spend limit.

@midgebabe of course we can re-examine it, but it’s been around for tens of thousands of years, so might not change overnight.

Ask for food gifts
Then take them to the food bank yourself 😉

Why not ask for specific charity 'gifts' instead of just asking people to donate to a charity?

There are always plenty of options to donate a goat/toilet/piece of equipment that come with gift cards and still feel present like. Or if you like wildlife, you could ask them to sponsor an animal in your name?

People might be more receptive If they can physically hand something over to you

I have many "giving" relatives who cannot not give at Christmas. They now all give me book tokens. They are the most fabulous present. Low postage cost, low space grabbers. I can (pre/post covid) spend all year doing the enjoyable bit of browsing and picking my books... for nothing. And the kids old school can make use of any I do not use.

Pretty sure that if you are surrounded by people who love you and want to give you something for Christmas, it comes from the heart. You should not refuse it and convince everyone that you don't need gifts, because you can hurt your loved ones.

But why does "giving" have to be something material? I value spending time with loved ones over receiving material items. In the words of the corny wedding card "I want your presence, not your presents".

it hurts to have my wishes disregarded. There are ten adults who buy for me, there's no way I could use £150 of toiletries or Christmas food.

But you can reframe your feelings around "having your wishes disregarded". You really can.

Mostly we cannot change other people's behaviour, we can only change our reactions to it.

So ask for toiletries and chocolate and socks and hats, or whatever you think can be passed on easily and without drama. You don't have to keep £150's worth of toiletries or whatever. Someone else will be grateful for them.

So pass them on. Find some charities you believe in that you can support. Find out what - apart from money - they like to accept as donations.

Homeless shelters and women's refuges: new, clean socks, underwear, base layers, hats, scarves, gloves, toiletries

Food banks: biscuits, jams, hot chocolate, tea bags, coffee, crackers

Animal charities: old towels and bedding (you keep the new versions and donate your old ones)

You just need to reframe it.

It is a little bit unkind to say that your wishes trump the present giver's wishes. Why are either of you more important? Just work out a way to make it feel acceptable to you.

Pretty sure that if you are surrounded by people who love you and want to give you something for Christmas, it comes from the heart. You should not refuse it and convince everyone that you don't need gifts, because you can hurt your loved ones. When I get presents I thank the giver, I don't refuse any. I try to give others who like presents what they would like. I am going through a difficult time at the moment and just want some consideration in return.

But you can reframe your feelings around "having your wishes disregarded". You really can.
I am going through a difficult time at the moment already, my family know this.

I don't think this is really about the presents, OP, is it? Otherwise you could find a solution. It's about your feelings towards the person (people?) who you feel don't understand you or listen to you.

I think that's a separate issue.

It is a little bit unkind to say that your wishes trump the present giver's wishes. Why are either of you more important?
There are so many other opportunities to give.

@kowari

But you can reframe your feelings around "having your wishes disregarded". You really can. I am going through a difficult time at the moment already, my family know this.

Unless there is some backstory about them being unpleasant, controlling people, then they are just trying to show you that they love you. It might not be in the way you wish they expressed it, but they're thinking of you and want to buy you something nice.

The problem I find with people who say “nothing” is that it’s difficult to work out those who genuinely do want nothing from those who just don’t know what they want and so say nothing so the onus isn’t on them. If you genuinely want absolutely nothing and people aren’t going to listen (because they’ve been similarly “caught out”) then ask for stuff that you can either re-gift or donate and which will be appreciated by someone else. Gift giver feels great and you get to donate something of use.

I don't think this is really about the presents, OP, is it? Otherwise you could find a solution. It's about your feelings towards the person (people?) who you feel don't understand you or listen to you.
It's both. I have been doing many of the solutions mentioned here for years. But, no, I don't feel understood or listened to at all. That's why I asked how to tell people so they will understand.

But, no, I don't feel understood or listened to at all. That's why I asked how to tell people so they will understand.

You cannot change other people. If you have told them and they continue to wish to give you gifts, you have two choices:

1. Make a big deal about how they never listen to you and disregard your feelings. Tell them if they give you another present ever again you will refuse to accept it and give it back to them. Deal with resulting fallout over your 'ungrateful' behaviour.

2. Accept they will not change.

I would give up on asking for nothing and as others have suggested ask for things that can easily be donated to a foodbank or homeless shelter. Sometimes people cannot get out of the mindset of having to but because the calendar and shops told them to.

That should read having to buy not but. 😂

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Always good advice, imo.

I really hate being given a present to give it away. Basically to keep someone else happy I have to do work i would rather not

It is selfish of people to ignore other people's requests. Dress up it as long running society convention if you must, but really what we do today is so far removed from present giving 100 years ago

@triceratops12

I honestly dislike people like this, sorry. It really takes the fun out of Christmas. Just graciously say thank you.

If you dislike people like this you won't want to buy them a present so that's ok all round