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Original poster

Cheerfully Selfish or a Martyr to the Family Christmas?

70 replies

mbosnz · 29/08/2020 18:21

Which are you? And are you happy with which one you are, or do you secretly wish you could be the other?

I'm cheerfully selfish. Our family has very firm ideas on how we enjoy our Christmas day, and what we like to do in it, and what we don't, and that's what we do. Anyone is very welcome to join us, family or friends, but they're expected to fit in, rather than to try and make the day more to their taste.

So, for example, my mother, (love you Mum, but seriously), on Christmas Day, wants to do a full on cooked Champagne breakfast, then a full gourmet two course barbeque, and finally, the full cooked Christmas dinner, complete with dessert.

Which means mother and daughters spend the day in the kitchen, prepping, clearing, setting tables, serving people, while everybody else hangs out. So they get a serious case of the martyr, get pissed off as hell, get snappy and tired, and generally have a miserable day.

We're so not up for that, and that's not how we run Christmas. And it has meant we've limited how often we went there for Christmas, because we love Christmas to be relaxed, happy, and chill.

Mum has always enjoyed Christmases she spent with us, but sometimes she slips and tries to start piling things into the day. No Mum. . .

We used to be more conformable, but once we had kids, I felt it was one thing to sacrifice our Christmas day to appease others, I felt it was another to expect the kids to have a somewhat less than happy and relaxed Christmas day, and that drew me over to the 'cheerfully selfish' side. . .

I know it's a lot harder for others, we're very, um, well, we're helped in the fact that both our families live on the other side of the world! It's a lot more complex and difficult for other families to just please themselves, I know. It must be particularly hard with blended families, I imagine! In fact, I imagine sometimes it must be a case of, no matter what you do, it seems you can't please anybody, let alone everybody. . .

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 29/08/2020 18:23

I’m firmly in the cheerfully selfish camp. I really don’t do martyrdom and being guilted and manipulated into doing things, and I carry that stance into Christmas as well.

Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 18:27

Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one!

I am not a dutiful daughter. (Hangs head low). . .

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Mamagotskills · 29/08/2020 18:32

Cheerfully selfish here. I do Christmas my way and always cook my own roasters to save disappointment so dinner is always at home, preferably in Christmas PJs

catlovingdoctor · 29/08/2020 18:39

Cheerfully selfish as of this year. Have bitten my tongue to keep the peace with provocative people before now on account of not causing a scene. So going to totally do what I want which will probably involve not going to anyone else's! (Although this might be the case automatically due to COVID).

Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 18:40

Join us on the dark side catlovingdoctor - you'll be unlikely to regret it, lol. Grin

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RandomTree · 29/08/2020 18:45

Honestly, neither. Mine and DH's family's idea of how to spend Christmas is pretty similar to ours. Me and DH cook the Christmas dinner together while they look after the DC. It's all good!

Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 18:47

Wow, that's absolutely ideal RandomTree, it sounds absolutely idyllic!

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missyB1 · 29/08/2020 19:26

I realised last year that I've been a Christmas martyr ever since I met dh. Don't get me wrong he does all the food prep and cooking - I'm not allowed any part of that. But that's my issue. it all has to be done his way. We eat what he says and when he says, and it has to be done on the BBQ (or braai as he calls it because hes south African).
We live in the Uk but he has to recreate an South African Xmas and its pissing me off now. It takes over the whole day and we all adhere to his schedule.
Im rebelling this year, I want the M&S pre prepared dinner that goes in the oven (not a fucking BBQ). Its not going to go down well at all - I will prepare for the sulks!!

hiredandsqueak · 29/08/2020 19:32

I suppose I'm the martyr because left to me I'd ignore Christmas completely but I have dc and a dgs and they all come here to celebrate as a family Hmm. My birthday is Christmas Day which gives them the excuse of needing to see me then as well. When they were small I counted down Christmases thinking once they had grown up I could put an end to Christmas, I never imagined that they enjoyed it so much they'd want it to continue. I am always glad once it's over.

Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:32

Fair enough MissyB1. I get the homesickness, I'm from NZ, and miss the Christmas BBQ, but it really doesn't make sense for Christmas over here! Whereas the traditional Christmas dinner really does, and should therefore, be embraced, as a positive about being in the UK.

(Tell him to save it for New Years Eve, lol, that's what we do. Usually with me holding an umbrella over the DH in the pissing rain, while the kids look on in mortified bemusement. . .)

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Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:33

Oh, poor hiredandsqueak! That sucks! So, does that mean you have to do all the prepping, cooking and hosting, despite it being your birthday?

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missyB1 · 29/08/2020 19:34

ha ha mbosnz he does it all year round, we once had to be out in the snow - I kid you not! The neighbours think we are insane.
Anyway it's been his way for 15 years now so it's my turn now.

hiredandsqueak · 29/08/2020 19:37

Yea it means exactly that! I've never liked Christmas, even as a child, it was a weird quirk of fate that it ended up being my birthday as well and df named me after a flipping reindeer

Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:39

Our neighbours do too - and DH's work colleague. We're cheerfully Antipodeanly nuts.

And yes, it's your turn. What are you going to do for Christmas dinner? (Make sure you tell him in advance, give him lots of time to get his sulking out of the way of Christmas Day. Nothing worse than a sulker on Christmas Day. God I've known a few. . . most of them men. No, that's incorrect. I've known lots of women too. . . when it didn't go exactly as they hoped, planned and dreamed. . . okay, I've been guilty of being the sulker. Under severe provocation. I swear.)

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Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:40

That ain't on, hiredandsqueak. Are you sure you don't want to join Team Cheerfully Selfish, and tell them if they love it so much, they can do it, and you can enjoy your birthday without slaving over Christmas for everyone else, for once?

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Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:40

YOU GOT NAMED AFTER A REINDEER?!

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Ninkanink · 29/08/2020 19:42

Which one, which one???

Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2020 19:47

Cheerfully selfish, though I'm happy to make some reasonable accommodations. I do host any family members who want to come and I do cook a separate meal for dbro as he is super picky (I suspect this is linked to undiagnosed autism rather than him deliberately being a pita).

I dont travel to other people's houses for Christmas or allow any of the no fun christmas rules of my childhood to sneak in (having to be dressed a certain way, by a certain time, waiting long periods to be allowed to open presents, forced to eat food i didn't like - that sort of thing).

Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2020 19:49

Donna?

(For the reindeer name)

Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2020 19:49

(Secretly hoping your rl name is Prancer).

hiredandsqueak · 29/08/2020 19:51

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. I'm Donna, I think df always meant to give me the name but used to tell everyone I was named after the reindeer.

Frokni · 29/08/2020 19:51

Just the thread I need. I am proud to announce (and can't undo it as I will be a liar)... that our little family will soon be, from xmas 2020 onwards, ... cheerfully selfish:

  • turkey is boring we prefer lamb
  • DD6 and DD3 will want to be at home with theur new toys and not anywhere else.
  • we are way way more relaxed as a family than my mum is when she hosts
  • DH does not get 2 weeks off so there's potentially only Xmas day and boxing day we can be family.
  • As PP said we welcome all and sundry but you make your own tea if you want it and raid our fridge for whatever you want.
Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:53

Blitzen?

Stompythedinosaur, you sound very like me. Although my family very kindly indulge me in how the Christmas Tree must look just so, and the Christmas table is a work of art. . . (if I do say so myself).

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Original poster
mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:54

I'm just about scared to ask - did DF name any other progeny after reindeer?

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TwizzledTurkey · 29/08/2020 19:55

I’m cheerfully selfish! After having what felt like rather formal Christmas days in my childhood,where all we did was dress nicely and flit from house to house visiting people and never being able to just relax and play with my presents. So now it’s just our little family, staying at our home with no visitors, in new pj’s all day, no cooking to be done apart from the main dinner - which me and my husband both cook. Apart from that it’s cold buffet picky foods that require no effort. It also means my son can actually enjoy his presents all day. We do the family visits spread out on other days over the Christmas period.