Cheerfully Selfish or a Martyr to the Family Christmas?

[mbosnz]

Which are you? And are you happy with which one you are, or do you secretly wish you could be the other?

I'm cheerfully selfish. Our family has very firm ideas on how we enjoy our Christmas day, and what we like to do in it, and what we don't, and that's what we do. Anyone is very welcome to join us, family or friends, but they're expected to fit in, rather than to try and make the day more to their taste.

So, for example, my mother, (love you Mum, but seriously), on Christmas Day, wants to do a full on cooked Champagne breakfast, then a full gourmet two course barbeque, and finally, the full cooked Christmas dinner, complete with dessert.

Which means mother and daughters spend the day in the kitchen, prepping, clearing, setting tables, serving people, while everybody else hangs out. So they get a serious case of the martyr, get pissed off as hell, get snappy and tired, and generally have a miserable day.

We're so not up for that, and that's not how we run Christmas. And it has meant we've limited how often we went there for Christmas, because we love Christmas to be relaxed, happy, and chill.

Mum has always enjoyed Christmases she spent with us, but sometimes she slips and tries to start piling things into the day. No Mum. . .

We used to be more conformable, but once we had kids, I felt it was one thing to sacrifice our Christmas day to appease others, I felt it was another to expect the kids to have a somewhat less than happy and relaxed Christmas day, and that drew me over to the 'cheerfully selfish' side. . .

I know it's a lot harder for others, we're very, um, well, we're helped in the fact that both our families live on the other side of the world! It's a lot more complex and difficult for other families to just please themselves, I know. It must be particularly hard with blended families, I imagine! In fact, I imagine sometimes it must be a case of, no matter what you do, it seems you can't please anybody, let alone everybody. . .

No they all got nice classic MN approved names that's why I believed he named me after the reindeer

Frokni, when you have your first babe, is the ideal time to shake up what has come to be expected of you, and to become childcentric for Christmas - while still remaining to family who want to come spend it, and are prepared to leave their preconceived notions of how you ought to do it, and what you ought to do, at the door!

That sounds fabulously relaxed and self indulgent, TwizzledTurkey!

hiredandsqueak. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. I think you need to join the revolution. .

I had formal Christmases growing up. Dps house was built for servants, so snooker room, drawing room, etc.

I am less formal now, but couldn't do the day in pjs :)

Very selfish Christmas is ours we see no one go no where we love it. In-laws are five hours from us now we said from the start we would never travel Christmas week. They see us other times.

cheerfully selfish , but only in the last 5 years or so.
Christmas is at our house now so the children can play with their presents not spend 2.5 hours driving each way to my sil who doesn't have children nor like them!

Definitely cheerfully selfish. Happy for anyone to join us that wants to, but we do it our way, not confirming to 'the expected'. (We have all-day buffet on CD and our roast on BD; it works for us!)

Cheerfully, determinedly, selfish.

Golden rule: never invite anybody difficult, or go anywhere stressful. I have ruthless streak and therefore no compunction in telling others that Christmas is for immediate family only, with rare exceptions. This means we never get roped into kind of high-drama tests of Christmas Day stamina / nerves you sometimes read about on MN.

Always spend the day itself at home. Kids are up early but have presents to keep them quiet throughout. Lunch tends to be around 1PM. Always cook from scratch, but don't try anything fancy. My job to make syllabub and trifle in advance, arrange morning champagne, wine, snacks (and Xmas crackers), also make sure we have logs & kindling for stove. DW looks after chicken / turkey and main course stuff. Find traditional is best approach on these occasions...

We invite my mother (very easy-going, great relationship with DW) if she not staying with sister on other side of country. Sister's family also pleasant and relaxed, so the couple of times we have invited them that has worked well. They only come for lunch and afternoon, not to stay night.

If weather's not too bad, long walk in woods or up in hills after lunch blows away cobwebs. Evening tends to shade into inebriated / stuffed stupor as we read, play board games, or maybe watch a film. Boring for some perhaps. Works for us.

Cheerfully selfish here since having DC. Having spent the previous 10 years traipsing up and down the country between our families each festive period we relished the opportunity to redefine Christmas and now stay at home. Anyone is welcome to join us but it's our day done our way.

We have an abundance of cheerfully selfish, any more martyrs prepared to contribute?! You won't be taken down (not if I have anything to say about it), but you will be given much sympathy! Take it as an opportunity to vent/rant!

any more martyrs prepared to contribute?!

Do most martyrs understand, at conscious level, that they have chosen martyrdom?

I read a very interesting anthropological study of British Christmas traditions that made an excellent point re: martyrs. It’s usually a woman who slaves away trying to make a lovely holiday for everyone / doing what’s expected, yet two men (Father Christmas and Jesus) get all the credit. Fictional men at that!

Do most martyrs understand, at conscious level, that they have chosen martyrdom?

I dont think it's quite as simple as that for christmas martyrdom. We all grew up in a patriarchal society that views women's worth as attached to how well to function as wives and mothers. It's not a fully free choice for some women.

@missyB1

I realised last year that I've been a Christmas martyr ever since I met dh. Don't get me wrong he does all the food prep and cooking - I'm not allowed any part of that. But that's my issue. it all has to be done his way. We eat what he says and when he says, and it has to be done on the BBQ (or braai as he calls it because hes south African). We live in the Uk but he has to recreate an South African Xmas and its pissing me off now. It takes over the whole day and we all adhere to his schedule. Im rebelling this year, I want the M&S pre prepared dinner that goes in the oven (not a fucking BBQ). Its not going to go down well at all - I will prepare for the sulks!!

Don’t bother with the m and a prepared veg. You will spend longer queuing to collect them then it would take to prepare at home and they crap quality.

Are you garnering material for an article OP?

I'm joining the cheerfully selfish! We have done family Christmas for both sides of family a number of times, we've also driven up to family 4 hours away late Christmas eve, even on Christmas day. No more. Just us 4 (possibly by parents too) for Christmas. Using Covid as an excuse!

Cheerfully selfish and have been for the last 6 years.
We have no dc and this is somehow translated into 'we have no ties so will happily fit in to everyone else's plans.'
We used to spend our Christmases travelling to see people, making sure we fitted in my family + ILs or there would be arguments. It was stressful so 6 years ago, when DH asked (as he did every year) "do you want me to book us flights for Christmas?" He caught me at a particularly stressed moment and I said yes.
We had an amazing Christmas in Iceland and decided then to do a Christmas away from home every other year. It's worked out so well.
And for the years we're at home, we have Christmas dinner at home as this is the thing DH enjoys the most (he even enjoys cooking it).

Our new plan has made everyone realise we may not be available so rather than assuming we're coming then getting annoyed if we say no, they now invite us and we have the opportunity to decide who to see and when So it's more relaxed.

We don't host purely because my parents & ILs are very set in their ways - they are the hosts and they don't go out for Christmas dinner, and dsis who lives close by has small dc who want to stay at home to play with their toys which is fair enough.

Cheerfully selfish, though DP worries I'm being a martyr.
Pre-kids, it was start drinking at the ILs on Xmas Eve, sober up before NYE, and BIL and I would cook. DP kept his parents out of the kitchen cos they are lovely but terrible cooks!

I grew up with my mum determined to do an impressive meal, wouldn't let anyone help, then would cry from exhaustion (hence running away to DP's family as a student)

Since kids, we stay home, I watch them open stockings and hopefully play with and eat contents, and take the time to cook in peace. DP minds them until my parents show up, we have nibbles then lunch everyone likes, a walk, pudding and cake, and relaxing, often with The Gruffalo on TV.

Then meet ILs a couple days later for Mr Waitrose and M&S to cater. Spread it all out over a week or two.

@user1493494961

Are you garnering material for an article OP?

Oh hell no! Sorry, this is off the back of another thread, where a woman was being berated by many for not turning herself inside out and in knots to appease her mother's husband on Christmas Day.

The one with the Christmas Day birthday, @mbosnz?

Our Christmas goes thusly:

Christmas Eve, I've taken to doing Christmas Eve boxes for everyone (I know, I know). After having a kickarse Christmas Eve dinner that involves a trio of desserts, we open these up. We watch crap Christmas movies. Before we go to bed, we put everyone's stockings outside the door. We ring our families to wish them Merry Christmas in NZ.

Christmas Day, Christmas music on, Mimosas poured, we open our Christmas stockings. Then it's eggs benedict time.

Chillax, then it's time to open presents from under the tree. After that, it's likely to be a platter and nibbles.

I'll try and chisel everyone out for a nice walk. Usually unsuccessfully!

Then DH and I will prep Christmas dinner, and we'll eat that, with everyone pitching in for clean-up, as we all do throughout the day.

Just quiet, low key, good food, good wine, enjoying each other's company, having a good time.

@NoWordForFluffy

The one with the Christmas Day birthday, *@mbosnz*?

Yup!

Christmas martyr here. But I don't get pissed off, I love it. I definitely run myself in circles for DH, DC and the rest of the family, but it's my absolute favourite day of the year. I put so much planning and effort into every last detail, I get my enjoyment from seeing how happy they are.

I don't feel like I've spent all day in the kitchen and missed out. I love cooking, and they're all in and out getting under my feet and it's all part of it to me.

Plus, we eat to finish at the Queens speech, so after that, I'm kind of done, the evening buffet I prepare mostly the night before and finish as I'm doing the roast, so I'm only busy till about 1,
when the roast is served then I spend my time with everyone.

Most presents are either first thing, then the rest after lunch, so I don't miss any of that. But this is just how we do it. I guess because I do it my way, that's equally selfish in itself

@Courtney555

Christmas martyr here. But I don't get pissed off, I love it. I definitely run myself in circles for DH, DC and the rest of the family, but it's my absolute favourite day of the year. I put so much planning and effort into every last detail, I get my enjoyment from seeing how happy they are.

I don't feel like I've spent all day in the kitchen and missed out. I love cooking, and they're all in and out getting under my feet and it's all part of it to me.

Plus, we eat to finish at the Queens speech, so after that, I'm kind of done, the evening buffet I prepare mostly the night before and finish as I'm doing the roast, so I'm only busy till about 1,
when the roast is served then I spend my time with everyone.

Most presents are either first thing, then the rest after lunch, so I don't miss any of that. But this is just how we do it. I guess because I do it my way, that's equally selfish in itself

If you love doing it you’re not a martyr.

Martyrdom is where you do things you don't really want to do, for people who generally don’t appreciate it and/or always demand yet more from you without ever giving anything back. It breeds huge resentment and often sadness because whilst you’re pouring out to others from your finite resources, no one ever fills your needs.

Martyrdom is not something to aspire to, nor to be proud of; it teaches your sons to be entitled and selfish, expecting the same from the women they form future relationships with, and teaches your daughters to perpetuate that constant servitude of everyone else without boundaries, to the detriment of their own well-being.

I'm cheerfully selfish and I even sometimes put up passive aggressive (festive) signs indicating that guests are expected to help themselves and me to drinks all day and help with washing up. But damn me hosting is the pits and I want to strangle everyone by the afternoon. And the 'come and join us but we are not traveling and we are doing it our way' backfired for us too because every bugger comes and stays with us consecutively so we end up hosting for a week. Every bloody year. And we were going to go away this year but what with COVID and bereavements it's the first time we actually want to see all our loved ones at Christmas so I guess in reality I am back in the martyr camp. But I wannabe more selfish.

(wraps stocking fillers quietly)