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Christmas

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Original poster

Cheerfully Selfish or a Martyr to the Family Christmas?

70 replies

mbosnz · 29/08/2020 18:21

Which are you? And are you happy with which one you are, or do you secretly wish you could be the other?

I'm cheerfully selfish. Our family has very firm ideas on how we enjoy our Christmas day, and what we like to do in it, and what we don't, and that's what we do. Anyone is very welcome to join us, family or friends, but they're expected to fit in, rather than to try and make the day more to their taste.

So, for example, my mother, (love you Mum, but seriously), on Christmas Day, wants to do a full on cooked Champagne breakfast, then a full gourmet two course barbeque, and finally, the full cooked Christmas dinner, complete with dessert.

Which means mother and daughters spend the day in the kitchen, prepping, clearing, setting tables, serving people, while everybody else hangs out. So they get a serious case of the martyr, get pissed off as hell, get snappy and tired, and generally have a miserable day.

We're so not up for that, and that's not how we run Christmas. And it has meant we've limited how often we went there for Christmas, because we love Christmas to be relaxed, happy, and chill.

Mum has always enjoyed Christmases she spent with us, but sometimes she slips and tries to start piling things into the day. No Mum. . .

We used to be more conformable, but once we had kids, I felt it was one thing to sacrifice our Christmas day to appease others, I felt it was another to expect the kids to have a somewhat less than happy and relaxed Christmas day, and that drew me over to the 'cheerfully selfish' side. . .

I know it's a lot harder for others, we're very, um, well, we're helped in the fact that both our families live on the other side of the world! It's a lot more complex and difficult for other families to just please themselves, I know. It must be particularly hard with blended families, I imagine! In fact, I imagine sometimes it must be a case of, no matter what you do, it seems you can't please anybody, let alone everybody. . .

OP posts:

NoWordForFluffy · 30/08/2020 17:27

Why do they stay, @ScrapThatThen? Send them home (make that a condition of coming)!

Original poster

mbosnz · 30/08/2020 17:29

I had a certain member of the family, when we were hosting Christmas one year, who forgot themselves and their (never particularly reliable in the first instance) manners, and had the temerity to click their fingers at me, to go over and replenish her glass.

That was the last time I ever served that family member a glass. . .

I barely managed to get back into the kitchen before exploding, very quietly, but with such force that DH and another family member were literally ducking for cover. . .

OP posts:

dicksplash · 30/08/2020 17:31

Cheerfully selfish. I love Christmas and don't want to compromise. My in laws come to us which is fine and they seem to like it but since having children we have refused to go anywhere on Christmas day.

missyB1 · 30/08/2020 17:47

I fantasise about going abroad for Christmas and staying in a nice hotel and getting away from the whole bloody thing! Has anyone done it? Not sure whether I want somewhere warm or somewhere snowy 🤔 won’t happen this year obviously but maybe post Covid.

Original poster

mbosnz · 30/08/2020 18:16

Why don't you missyB1? Serious question! I reckon everyone ought to have at least one Christmas doing just exactly as they wish, rather than they feel they ought - especially if they're the ones normally doing all the mental work and actual physical work of doing it the way everyone else wants it done! Don't you reckon you're due?

(I'm a terrible influence, aren't I? )

OP posts:

SpnBaby1967 · 30/08/2020 20:03

Cheerfully selfish! Xmas is just DH & the kids, if my mum or sister want to come they can but I wont wait hand and foot any more.

My sister took the piss one year, she laid down on our massive 10 person sofa so it fit literally just her, my mum & my nan (shes a BIG girl) and didnt lift a finger all day. By the time I'd cooked dinner for 8 people and then tidied up I wanted to sit down & couldn't. Asked her to move and she just laughed and spread out more.

Havent invited her since..

Tbh, as soon as we had our first child we just stopped going to anyone else's house. We do what we want to do.

everythingisginandroses · 30/08/2020 20:12

Cheerfully selfish here too. No parents living now and SIL has stopped inviting us, which is a relief (they live 180 miles away and whilst being looked after is lovely, when you stay with someone it's their timetable and their rules, which is fair enough). I like being able to stick on the Phil Spector Christmas album with a glass of champagne first thing and our presents piled under our own tree, who wouldn't?

CrazyBaubles · 30/08/2020 20:12

missyB1 As I said upthread, I've done a few Christmases abroad (I made a mistake in previous post, it was 8 years ago, not 6). We've done 4 years away, 2 just for Christmas, 2 for Christmas and new year.

We always aim for somewhere cold so if you want heat I can't help.
Our Christmases away are all different but are 100% selfish. We've done Iceland, Prague,
Scotland and NYC. All include a lie in, breakfast in bed if the hotel Offers it, dinner in a restaurant (has been fancy but also has been Chinese), a walk and drinks in the evening. Obviously it varies a little depending on place (so we did the Blue Lagoon on Christmas morning in Iceland but nothing in Scotland) but it's always lovely. Other places seem to do Christmas so well, we haven't had a bad Christmas away yet.

If you don't have young dc I would definitely recommend it

missyB1 · 30/08/2020 20:26

@CrazyBaubles oooh Iceland would be great! Ds is 12 now and loves travelling. I’m going to start looking into this!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/08/2020 09:21

I actually enjoy hosting/cooking Christmas dinner.

Other people can’t be trusted to do it properly (aka my way!) anyway. 🙂

Ninkanink · 31/08/2020 09:54

I very much enjoy hosting at Christmas, too. But Christmas Day itself has always been just for our little family to chill, relax and do everything the way that suits us. We visit or have people visiting during the season but not on Christmas Day.

This year we live closer to family and we have the biggest house so we will likely host the big gathering on the actual day, but again, it will be done our way and people are very welcome to join us but they won’t be dictating how things are done.

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 31/08/2020 10:56

Cheerfully selfish but that does include going to three people's houses in one day other than our own! My parents for breakfast, Pils for lunch/dinner, my grandparents for evening buffet. Cheerfully selfish as we all love going to see our family.

StCharlotte · 02/09/2020 08:14

@missyB1

Have been away for Christmas a few times including Australia which was amazing. Last year we joined a family member and her partner at their Spanish villa. It was very last minute and was quite un-Christmassy on the day (drinks on the beach on Christmas morning) but huge fun and we did loads over the week. It was like the universe knew it would be our last holiday for a while... Even the weather was in the mid-20s.

I'm generally cheerfully selfish although I will be slipping into martyrdom this year as I suspect we will have MIL which will mean me driving as she (rightly) gave up her car a couple of months ago and DH doesn't drive. He does cook though! But we'll have an early lunch and she'll go soon after that - whether she likes it or not We get on really well but she doesn't really like Christmas and I don't need that negativity especially this year. Really hoping DBIL and DSIL or possibly one of their daughters invite her even though it's very much our turn.

Would happily host siblings on either side but they like to spend the time with their own families (no DC here).

XiCi · 02/09/2020 08:24

Honestly, neither. Mine and DH's family's idea of how to spend Christmas is pretty similar to ours. Me and DH cook the Christmas dinner together while they look after the DC. It's all good

Same here. Weve got our little routines and traditions and everyone just seems to fit in with each other. Everyone is pretty laid back though and just happy to enjoy the day. Theres noone making demands or being high maintenance. I guess if there was even 1 demanding person in the family that would change things. You read some nightmares on here.

sueelleker · 02/09/2020 08:44

@mbosnz I'd have asked her "what did your last servant die of?". (One of my Mum's sayings)

BiddyPop · 02/09/2020 12:09

We alternate the cheerfully selfish and martyr years. Some years we "need" to travel "down home", where DPs and DMIL live 15 miles apart. We have taken to (mostly) renting a cottage in the vicinity when we are down there for Christmas, as a base for our family to escape to. (DBIL lives next door to DMIL, with DW & 3 DCs; DSIL usually comes and stays in DMILs with DH and 2 DCs, DUncleIL lives in the annex of DMIL's house - a total 14 for dinner; and there are always at least 2 of my DSiblings (and families) around, potentially up to all 5, on my side, which can mean up to 18 people for dinner - so escape from that chaos is ESSENTIAL!!).

1 family eats in the middle of the day, the other in the evening, so we end up having 2 turkey dinners (yes, we have tried to avoid it, and even agreed with the 2 DMs that we would only eat in 1 this year and visit the other, but they both inevitably put out a plate that we MUST eat while there..... so now we are resigned to it and wear baggy trousers.....)

But then we stay at home other years. We go to mass because we want to and have a couple of family visits we "ought" to make (although that has reduced in recent years).

We usually cook a turkey because we like it - but have done the prep the day before and it is a very relaxed cooking and eating afternoon. We don't do proper starters - we have a packet of M&S party food (we pick something that WE will enjoy) to eat while having a nice drink and opening presents as turkey cooks. We have done pheasant, duck, lamb, on other years. DMIL and DM have both said it was a "shame we couldn't get a turkey", but we decided what WE wanted. And as we enjoy roast dinners but only rarely have them, DD will accept us putting our foot down on that part (she doesn't like them so that's why we rarely have them anymore) - but I do make sure there is something she will like too.

We have always said anyone is welcome to come to us, but have never had anyone leave the family nest for it (either they have stayed in their own house themselves - some live overseas, or they have gone to our respective parents or to their ILs; but never visited a Sibling for the day, and I don't think any of the DSiblings living in this country have stayed in their own houses on their own, 1 has hosted her ILs, but both our sets of parents refuse to leave their house so....).

BiddyPop · 02/09/2020 12:39

I should have said - our "stay at home" Christmas is one where all 3 of us work together both on prepping on 24th and on making the main meal on 25th - there are no martyrs in our house.

Original poster

mbosnz · 02/09/2020 13:52

@mbosnz I'd have asked her "what did your last servant die of?". (One of my Mum's sayings)

I couldn't trust myself to speak! (We have 'history'. . .)

OP posts:

Original poster

mbosnz · 02/09/2020 13:57

BiddyPop, having a place you can escape to, have a breather, a drink (and a bitch and a moan), makes such a difference, doesn't it?!

I'm glad you've got a great balance now between martyr, and selfish.

When we lived in our home country, for a while there, we did one with one family, one with the other family, and then one at ours.

Then we realised we were the only ones travelling hours, and hundreds of miles (usually on Christmas Eve), and said bugger that for a game of soldiers, we're staying at ours, just like everyone else does, and if you want to come, more than welcome.

(It was possibly a relief to at least one family, as they hated going to any effort, to the point that apparently once everyone decided to stop pretending they loved Family Christmas, they had beans on toast one year, as nobody joined them to cook Christmas dinner for them. . .although - we were usually the ones that ended up cooking!)

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Sparkletastic · 02/09/2020 14:00

I slipped into temporary martyrdom by inviting 2 family members I really didn't want to host and allowing one of them to have far too much influence over the menu and general tone of the day. Never again. They were both PITAs in different ways. This year we should have been having Christmas in the sun but due to itwhoshallnotbenamed that won't happen. I will have only my family (no trouble, bring loads of booze, never outstay their welcome) and no waifs or strays.

Also intrigued on the PJs for the day idea - don't you just end up feeling a bit slovenly?

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