DM and her excessive present buying ...

[zafferana]

Just looking for some other opinions on this as not sure if IABU (but I'm not brave enough to put this in AIBU!)

The issue is this: every year my DM goes really overboard with present buying and it drives the rest of the family completely barmy. We have all, over the years, thanked her very much, but asked that she just gives each of us one thing. Yet year after year she fills a huge bag with presents for each of my kids (who neither want nor need all the crap she buys), and she gets me clothes that aren't my style, kitchen items I have no need or space for, chocolate that I don't want - I know I sound like a horrible ungrateful brat, but I have begged her to please stop!

My DSis and step-dad, who are the other two recipients of her excessive gifts, have also asked her (kindly, nicely) to please just get them one thing, but our pleas fall on deaf ears and anyone who tries to moderate Christmas buying is berated by her for being miserable and reminded yet again that she 'loves Christmas' and is sick of the rest of us who don't. Every year I see the mountain of gifts from her and my heart sinks, particularly as we are facing an environmental crisis. The rest of the family have cut back and cut back on Christmas and just give small things, but I despair that I'll ever get through to my her. Has anyone else dealt with this issue effectively and do you have any advice?

Smile, say thank you, give it to the charity shop.

Well that's what I've been doing, but it's the waste that really upsets me.

My mum does this too. Every year we have the same conversation, she agrees not to go overboard and then the shopping channel/wish/groupon/charityshop stuff starts flooding in and suddenly she's all "teehee, I just couldn't help myself".

It's always stuff we can't/don't use. She does it year round but it's especially bad at Christmas. I've had years where I've called her in tears begging her to stop sending stuff because the volume would fill a skip, particularly with kids stuff and most of it is either totally inappropriate for a toddler or some kind of hazard.

I'm at the end of my tether. I donate what I can but the waste and the money spent is so upsetting and I don't have time to sort through piles and piles of junk and I start getting really stressed when the parcels start pouring in.

I think what really upsets me is that she's really minimalist in her own life, her flat looks like she's Mari fucking Kondo and she complains about other people gifting her tat but has zero insight into why other people don't want three binbags full of grubby age inappropriate charity shop toys.

Unfair of her (and your mum, sssneks) to basically inflict her shopping addiction onto you.

Don’t know how you solve it, though.

My mother does this. We have told her for thirty years to cut back but it makes no difference so we have given up.

Each person picks one thing from the pile and the rest stays in the car and dropped straight off to charity shop and tell her that is what is happening.

My mum does this too and if you're not over the top grateful there's a problem.

She did say of her own accord that this is her last year and she'll just buy something small for the kids come next year so we'll see. I doubt it. Some of the things she buys are genuinely lovely but she buys way too much.

My sil does this with kids. Only its clothes. Tried telling her this year rather bluntly in the hope she would take heed but nope. got told am too late as shes things put away til eldest 9-10 and dd is 5-6!! And that they can never have too many clothes. So. Either charity shop or sell on ebay and put it in their savings for them.
Shes already left round a big tk max bag full of 'christmas themed' stuff. I passed most of it on. No.need. does my fucking head in.

I have this weird feeling too that she does it to spite me. She knows damn well that we and our DC want for nothing, yet she persists in doing this thing that she know drives us all crazy. It's like it's a control thing - we have to be grateful, because she's 'being generous' and giving us stuff - yet we don't want it. Argh! Now I sound deranged just trying to explain it, because how can you be pissed off when someone is being so generous right? It makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch, but it feels controlling somehow.

Tell her thanks, but it is all going to have to stay at her house, because you have no room to store it. She might change her habits if she has to live with it all.

It likely makes her happy and she won't be here forever will she? There are worse ways to be.

"What lovely gifts DM I'm sure the charity shop will make a nice bit of money out of these as we're only keeping one thing each"

Are you prepared to stand up to her over it or not? If not just do it afterwards and roll your eyes at her wasting money to try and control you.

But her a suitable eco friendly "non-Gift" in return

Well she's only 71 DeeCeeCherry, so I'm not expecting her to leave us any time soon, but you're right I think it makes her happy. She spends months Christmas shopping - she starts in about August and by the end of November she always tells me that she's finished her Christmas shopping, with a great deal of satisfaction. I just wish she'd keep busy in some other way

I've tried standing up to her RandomMess, but she gets angry and resentful. My DSis and DSF and I have all tried, but she doesn't care how we feel. All this excessive buying gives HER satisfaction and how we feel is irrelevant.

The eco-gift is a good idea actually - I might do that next year. A pile of manure perhaps or a lusty ram for some lucky farmer somewhere

Send it back to her house for the kids to play with over there? I've had to do this when I was with my ex husband one year we bought ds one large train set value was around £50 (so you get the scale of the thing it wasnt small) they bought him another TWO trainers same size then decided he should have them at our house for him to play with at home we hardly have the room for one let alone three so none got played with he just played with the trains I slang it down the charity shop they bought him a television and a game chair with games? Which I never saw as they randomly decided I would sell it for money so kept it there kids have never seen it since 🤷‍♀️ I sent large toys and noisy toys back a lot so we have got nothing this year 🙇‍♀️

The adults could do a Secret Santa with a strict £40 (or whatever) budget- then she’d feel like a bit of a twat handing over mountains of crap to one person while everyone else gives a jumper or one pair of slippers.

For the kids, I’d thank her for her generosity and then say what a good idea it would be for her to keep it at her house so the kids had stuff to play with/ change into there. Even better if the DC are there infrequently, so it’s obvious what you’re doing 😂

Argh, I have a relative like this. Constantly giving me shite and sulking if I don’t take it. And then she looks for everything she’s ever given me when she comes to my house, and interrogates me about where it all is and whether I’ve given it away ‘because I would be very, very hurt if that were the case.’

She’s controlling with food, too. Amazing cook, but cooks way too much, and insists we all stay at the table for hours until we are literally in pain with fullness, and still she thinks we haven’t shown enough appreciation and gratitude and most meals end with her in a massive strop. She says things like, ‘this is how I express my love, and it hurts when you don’t accept it’. Controlling as fuck.

Sorry, no advice there, but plenty of sympathy!

@zafferana yes i know exactly what you mean!! I feel your pain. Its like its forced on you. Fucking hate it. Dp said to me last week 'make sure and get her (sil) plenty cos she looks after the weans, no one else does that for them'. Eh yea, no one else does cos its NOT NORMAL! So i cant even ask him to have a word as he will just get snarky and defensive. Wont hear a word said. No matter tactful i am.

Could you suggest to her one very expensive thing for each person's gift? And say how much you want THAT and only that? Then at least you get one terrific thing & she might start to believe in quality not quantity.

Your DM likes to buy things but you dont like to receive stuff. So it's ok for her to do something she likes even if it makes you unhappy?
I would either return everything to her or leave it in her house. She doesn't care that it makes you unhappy so maybe you should not care if returning the gifts makes her unhappy.
There are other ways of showing love that buying tat.

Look, you've tried to talk to her about it and she's not listening.
Bag up all the unwanted stuff and donate the extra toys to the local childrens hospital, food to a local homeless shelter and any toiletries to the local women's refuge centre.
You could even take the kids with you- everyone will learn a good lesson about helping those less fortunate and you'll feel good that other people are benefitting out of her generosity.

Secret Santa wouldn't work - she'd just refuse to participate. Leaving it all at her house is also not an option as the only way I can cope with Christmas is to visit beforehand to exchange gifts and then scarper back home! So I think the only reasonable course of action is to to re-gift/donate all the stuff we don't want and to maybe change what we give her in future to something eco-friendly, although that feels a bit passive-aggressive tbh and I think she'll be hurt. Argh!