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Original poster

DM and her excessive present buying ...

73 replies

zafferana · 23/12/2019 13:39

Just looking for some other opinions on this as not sure if IABU (but I'm not brave enough to put this in AIBU!)

The issue is this: every year my DM goes really overboard with present buying and it drives the rest of the family completely barmy. We have all, over the years, thanked her very much, but asked that she just gives each of us one thing. Yet year after year she fills a huge bag with presents for each of my kids (who neither want nor need all the crap she buys), and she gets me clothes that aren't my style, kitchen items I have no need or space for, chocolate that I don't want - I know I sound like a horrible ungrateful brat, but I have begged her to please stop!

My DSis and step-dad, who are the other two recipients of her excessive gifts, have also asked her (kindly, nicely) to please just get them one thing, but our pleas fall on deaf ears and anyone who tries to moderate Christmas buying is berated by her for being miserable and reminded yet again that she 'loves Christmas' and is sick of the rest of us who don't. Every year I see the mountain of gifts from her and my heart sinks, particularly as we are facing an environmental crisis. The rest of the family have cut back and cut back on Christmas and just give small things, but I despair that I'll ever get through to my her. Has anyone else dealt with this issue effectively and do you have any advice?

OP posts:
keepingbees · 23/12/2019 20:57

My DM does this too, it drives me mad. Like yourself, I'm not being ungrateful, I hate the waste and the fact she's wasted her time and money. I say please just get the DC one gift each, she turns up with bin bags full. She likes to find the biggest and bulkiest thing too. For example one year my DS asked for some toy tools. She got him a huge toy work bench with all the accessories.
I also feel there is a sly side sometimes too. She's always telling me the DC have too much and that our house is far too small. Then overloads us and seems to find the resulting chaos amusing.

mummyduckduck · 23/12/2019 21:09

Next year put her in touch with a charity that provides toys for children without any. Don't even mention your own children. Hope that buying for the charity at least partially tempers her buying for your family.

didireallysaythat · 23/12/2019 22:54

Have you tried unwrapping just one or two of the presents and then saying you'll take the rest to a shelter or something? Maybe making it clear that you don't even want to find out what's inside the wrapping paper, you care that little for the presents, will bring it home?

Tough one though. My MIL used to do the same, brought DS1 stuff everytime they visited despite us having the smallest house ever. One day I snapped and when she said "But we couldn't visit and not being anything?" I replied "Yes. Yes you can". And then we started leaving toys at their rather than bringing them back with us - what kid needs two bikes, one at home and one at his grandparents 200 miles away??

TW2013 · 24/12/2019 06:31

Could you have a list for each child and explain it is what they really want/ love/ need so at least the gifts have some value to you. Concentrate on consumables!

WatchingTheMoon · 24/12/2019 06:33

My mum's the same. Over the top buying every Christmas. Weirdly always asks what I want, buys it and then buys 50 tons of other crap too. I regift as much as I can and give the rest to charity.

TwiddleMuff · 24/12/2019 06:35

She doesn’t care that you’re angry and resentful though? I think you’ll have to take the hard line - tell her she can choose one of the stack for each child then the rest is going, unopened, to the charity shop.

jeremypaxo · 24/12/2019 06:43

Christ, just let her buy the stuff. She obviously gets pleasure out of shopping and giving. It's not some elaborate plan to "control" you. There is no need to be rude to your own mother, who probably just misses the days when she had her own small children who were excited about Christmas.

Verily1 · 24/12/2019 06:45

Just regift or donate it to a food bank/ charity shop.

HairyToity · 24/12/2019 06:58

I just smile nod, regift, charity shop, and if its still got tags on I return. I don't make a big deal out of it, I don't think my mum is as excessive as yours though. She never buys anything in advance and then a day or two before Christmas pops into town for one or two things and goes wild with the credit card. Before the last minute shop she always asks if money is okay this year. She never sticks to money though.

DaisyArtichoke7 · 24/12/2019 07:02

She enjoys giving you presents at Christmas. Maybe you could drop some hints so that she buys things you like. Then you could both be happy.

DDIJ · 24/12/2019 07:02

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PeriComoToes · 24/12/2019 07:16

I had the same with my DM. Eventually I realised that this was her way of expressing love (however misguided that may seem) as she is not a big hugger or verbaliser of it. It also brings HER immense joy to think about us throughout the year and pick up things that we would 'love'.

My DH and MIL would say something about it every year (DM wasn't there because she didn't feel the need to be there with us - yes! see what I mean about not being physically present in her love, I would rather 1 present and her be there than her absence and 50 presents) and it would really grind me down.

When I can to realise what it was really about I took the presents in good grace, ignored the moans from DH and MIL, opened and enjoyed them symbolically in the moment and then had no qualms taking the majority of them to charity so that someone else could enjoy them.

You've told her countless times, let it lie. She clearly loves choosing and giving the presents. Yes, it's a 'waste' but she gets something much more out of it.

My mother is now getting too old to enjoy shopping as much as she did, doesn't have the stamina and the presents are getting less each year. It's a relief but also a sign that one day there will be no presents under the tree from her.

Sssneks · 24/12/2019 07:20

This thread is a real eye opener, I didn't realise there were so many other people in the same situation.

I think the people saying "just let her do it" really don't get what it's like to be drowning under increasingly aggressive mountains of unwanted shit.

My DH calls it "gift terrorism".

Justneedatemporaryname · 24/12/2019 07:23

My mum does this, but like sssnek's it's all year round. I've been honest and said she's got to stop because its impossible to buy clothes, especially, perfectly for another person. I've explained that if I see something nice in a shop and don't try it on often I'll have to return it, so when she buys us all piles of clothes chances are most of it is unsuitable. But she never listens and there's that heart sink moment when she turns up with massive suitcases full of things when she visits. It used to actually make me angry because the clutter stresses me out and she can't afford to waste money. I feel so mean giving/ throwing them away (most charity shops only want designer stuff,) so it usually takes me a few months before I get rid of it. And she always asks where such and such thing is.

She even brings things like one plate, bowl and cup.

Sorry to be so ungrateful but it is actually stressful😭

Justneedatemporaryname · 24/12/2019 07:25

I think the people saying "just let her do it" really don't get what it's like to be drowning under increasingly aggressive mountains of unwanted shit. Hahahaha what an apt description. I'm going to steal that Grin

DDIJ · 24/12/2019 07:28

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Justneedatemporaryname · 24/12/2019 07:29

My mum always chooses my clothes so she can't understand that I am not able to force these clothes onto the children.

Please tell me you meant 'chose'

DDIJ · 24/12/2019 07:32

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Novembre · 24/12/2019 07:34

Regift it all back next xmas with bells on 😉

ElusiveOrangeTwirl · 24/12/2019 07:41

DDIJ you get rid of items that work to make space for broken shit? What?

Cosmos45 · 24/12/2019 07:45

My MIL is like this and she definitely has a shopping addiction. We try to resolve it by doing a 1 present per person idea (which we still do) to the value of £80. So we each get one present from the whole family (17 people) and pull a name out of a hat. This means that you ‘should’ get 1 fairly meaningful gift and you ask the buyer what you want. Mil ignored all of this and buys her recipient £80 of tat.. she had to buy for my husband one year and he received a bin bag of crap like, plastic pint glass, pack of cards, miniature golf toy (doesn’t play golf), Santa socks, a tea light holder, Xmas bauble etc etc .. literally the whole bag was taken to the charity shop and my husband missed out on a gift he wanted. I dread her pulling my name out of the hat.

saraclara · 24/12/2019 07:47

My mum always chooses my clothes so she can't understand that I am not able to force these clothes onto the children.

WTF?!!
Why? How? How old are you? Do you live with her?
And why in God's name do you allow this?

Hairwizard · 24/12/2019 07:52

@sssneks

Hahaha thats spot on!!

Gift terrorism also spot on name for it!

Equanimitas · 24/12/2019 07:57

It's like it's a control thing - we have to be grateful, because she's 'being generous' and giving us stuff

Has the time come to stop being grateful? Just thank her for the first present and then stop. If she says anything, gently point out that you asked her not to give you more than one so she can't expect you to be grateful for stuff you don't have room for and will have to dispose of.

7yo7yo · 24/12/2019 07:58

@ DDIJ I remember your thread in housekeeping I think.
You were struggling with your mum offloading so much stuff onto you if I recall rightly.
I felt so sorry for you, hasn’t she calmed down yet??

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