DM and her excessive present buying ...

[zafferana]

Just looking for some other opinions on this as not sure if IABU (but I'm not brave enough to put this in AIBU!)

The issue is this: every year my DM goes really overboard with present buying and it drives the rest of the family completely barmy. We have all, over the years, thanked her very much, but asked that she just gives each of us one thing. Yet year after year she fills a huge bag with presents for each of my kids (who neither want nor need all the crap she buys), and she gets me clothes that aren't my style, kitchen items I have no need or space for, chocolate that I don't want - I know I sound like a horrible ungrateful brat, but I have begged her to please stop!

My DSis and step-dad, who are the other two recipients of her excessive gifts, have also asked her (kindly, nicely) to please just get them one thing, but our pleas fall on deaf ears and anyone who tries to moderate Christmas buying is berated by her for being miserable and reminded yet again that she 'loves Christmas' and is sick of the rest of us who don't. Every year I see the mountain of gifts from her and my heart sinks, particularly as we are facing an environmental crisis. The rest of the family have cut back and cut back on Christmas and just give small things, but I despair that I'll ever get through to my her. Has anyone else dealt with this issue effectively and do you have any advice?

Eventually I realised that this was her way of expressing love (however misguided that may seem) as she is not a big hugger or verbaliser of it. It also brings HER immense joy to think about us throughout the year and pick up things that we would 'love'.

This is very perceptive of you @PeriComoToes and I think it's a big part of it with my DM too. She's not good at professing her love for us. She is definitely of the traditional English type that doesn't say 'I love you', she just does stuff that shows her love - like making our favourite foods and buying excessive piles of gifts.

I can't be rude or cruel to her. I just can't. It drives me up the wall all this excess, but as some of you dealing with this yourselves point out, she enjoys the process of shopping and giving things. She is retired, she doesn't have a busy life, the enjoyment she gets from buying Christmas presents has become a big part of her year - she wasn't like this when we were DC, because she was too busy.

I have the exact same problem- my mum also sends huge boxes of gifts outside of birthdays and Christmas. Usually plastic crap, toys that are not age appropriate, tons of sweets and chocolates when i am on a diet etc. It makes me super angry and no matter what we say, she won’t stop. She also still buys me clothes, most of them I don’t like. (But she told me several times my style is old fashioned so I assume this is her way of trying to help me )

Think it’s controlling and following this thread with interest.
OP does your mother have emotional issues? Pretty sure mine does.

OP just read your update and yes my mum is the same re her way of expressing love.
I find it deeply irritating now.

My aunt if mine this but she's so kind I can't bring myself to say anything about it. We get lots of personalised Christmas decorations and I dont know where to put then all. A lot of it is the commercialisation of Christmas and all the build up, the marketeers know how to get people to spend money. I'd rather she put money into a savings fund for DS .

I am struggling with DGM with a similar issue - it's a mix of love, control and (in her case) a desire to annoy.

My solution to the general clutter is to have Marie Kondo days throughout the year and be utterly ruthless about getting rid of outgrown toys, clothes and books. As for the bags of crap.... straight to charity. Whilst you (probably) can't stop them buying, you can choose what stays.

My DM is similar but in her case I think it’s about “ winning” Christmas. Being the grandparent who is most generous and who is loved the most by the grandchildren. This year she massively annoyed me by effectively buying everything on the wish list for my DD7. I spent ages putting together a wish list and thinking about a reasonable amount of things for her to receive. The list was intended for all the relatives to buy and ourselves too. She bought every toy, every “good” thing on there. ( the glitzy, sparkly stuff that I’m trying to be moderate about). I was then left having to re-think what we could now give her. I was feeling a bit sad about it last night because we were left with the less exciting stuff like PJs. She won’t even get her vast piles of presents on Christmas Day because we’re not seeing
DM until the 28th. DM said “ it doesn’t matter who it comes from” but it matters to me.

That is terrible Divebar

@Divebar seriously buy a couple of the "big" gifts from that list and just return the duplicates that your Mum gives her.

You and your DC are entitled to have some magic Christmas Morning.

I am for you.

@Divebar when mine were little I never gave the whole list to everyone-I looked at the list and as I had a rough idea of people’s budget I sent each person who asked for a list a few suggestions

@Divebar Fuck that shit, that's hideous.

Like RandomMess said, you need to gazump her.

Well it was a lesson learned. I now have a private Amazon list and a public one. When she asked for ideas I asked her to get one thing and told her it was on the list... I should have known she wouldn’t have been able to resist. It’s difficult when you’re trying to teach your kids the value of stuff and not fill your house with “ stuff” to have one person off load £200 worth of toys and razzle dazzle on top of everything else.

Dump it back at her house.

If you're not allowed to say no then neither is she.

I'm already dreading 4pm today. MIL is exactly the same but will also come with a shit load of food too, despite us living very close to supermarkets and having done a huge food shop. She won't eat any of it though as she is watching her weight but she is happy to watch me getting fatter. Neither DH or I enjoy the endless unwrapping anymore, the clutter or the waste but she still does it.

you cant tell someone else what to do with their money or gifts.

MIL is the same. She has issues with shopping and bargains, and her purchases are far more about her fulfilling a need to buy stuff and show how much she gives than about being thoughtful towards the recipient. The post about "winning Christmas" strikes a chord, but for her it's about how many presents, rather than getting that one sought after item.

When the kids were small we'd get armfuls of sale items in the wrong sizes or unseasonal stuff. She'd turn up with ten things all costing £3, but balk at spending £15 on a single item that the kids would need and love.

DH once mentioned this but it felt on deaf ears. Since then we have no qualms about passing the stuff straight on. In fact, it's a family in joke - how much of your grandma pile are you actually keeping? And we try to model more thoughtful present-giving - fewer, well-chosen items.

@ElbasAbsentPenis wow the food thing now horrible. As someone who once suffered from an ED that behaviour is completely unacceptable and I'd probably vomit on the table to make a point. I love to cook for people but their portion size is their business, I trust that when they say they enjoyed it that they mean it.

@DDIJ why would you ever give away their bikes instead of the crap?

Point her in the direction of charities who are asking for gifts for those less fortunate...and shoe box appeals .She gets to shop and those in need get a gift

MIL and SIL do this. It's embarrassing to be given giant sacks of stuff and DS1 gets overwhelmed. Plus it undermines what we are giving too. I've concluded it's about them, not us - they enjoy shopping and this gives them an excuse. We tried to put in limits but got told we were being the "present police"

My mother does this and it’s all about her - how much fun she finds shopping, wanting to the be “the best” Grandma etc. It’s all age inappropriate rubbish, cheap stuff that breaks on first use or useless novelty gadgets. The only plus is that her memory is so dreadful that she forgets most of what she’s bought so most of it goes to charity and food banks as soon as she’s gone home. I despise the waste but she’ll never change so I’ve given up saying anything.

The good thing is that you exchanged presents before Christmas Day. Personally I’d open it all before Christmas Day and bag up 90% of it straight away ready to go to charity. She can crack on with her shopping addiction and you can ethically dispose of the majority of it.

@DDIJ

Is it like this?

DDIJ:

DM: Go put on that lovely purple suit I bought you

DDIJ: Oh, I'm just going to wear this today

DM: Go put on the suit. You'll look so smart in it.

DDIJ: It's ok, I'm already wearing this

DM: Do you not like it, or something?

DDIJ: I'll go put it on

This would be me if she lived anywhere near us.🤦🏽‍♀️

My mil does this. Drives me absolutely fucking nuts.

We buy the dc a nice amount of presents. My mother and sister buy the dc one nice gift.

Then mil comes with sackfuls of stuff plus she does them a stocking each even though they've already had their stockings from Santa, It's all just tat that ends up broken or in the bin. The dc get completely overwhelmed and lose interest but they're supposed to perform and be ever so grateful.

It completely dilutes any enjoyment.