MIL at Christmas

[tilder]

I don't have a good relationship with MIL. FIL is lovely. We are hosting this year. I just want everyone, kids in particular, to have a great Christmas.

The messages tonight made me cry. I don't want her in my house, but she will be staying for 3 nights next week.

Any tips for rising above? Apart from gin.

I’m here for the tips! MIL is lovely but FIL is not and they’re coming for 3 weeks next year...

My MIL arrived on Saturday and is staying indefinitely.....!

Pressed send too soon.... So also need tips!

What were the messages?

Indefinitely

My partner is brilliant, poor bloke. In some way I would prefer him to be ignorant of her behaviour. He knows though, understands and is supportive. Which is a massive help.

I will bite my tongue and not drink much. Apparently that makes me boring, but I speak my mind when drinking and I don't think that will be helpful!

3 nights you have my sympathy my other half and i agreed we will visit one day on christmas other year.thankfully this year they are doing their own thing.

i would just avoid speaking to her and try to just have a nice day drink wine

Oh god, what kind of messages?

Oh my god, I could do with some suggestions also! My MIL is coming on Saturday and will be here for at least a week.
Lost of PA comments from the minute she steps through the door. Unfortunately DH is an only child and she spends every bloody Christmas with us...

Play in-law bingo. Essentially make a list of things they do that pisses you off and see how many you can tick off. Reward yourself with a chocolate for each one. Things on my list would include:

MIL makes passive aggressive comment about my parenting style.
Snooping.
FIL is rude to waitressing staff.
Subtle racism.
Overt racism.
Daily Mail Myth
Comparison of my child with golden child of SIL.
Complants about rural environment (they live in a city and we live rurally).
FIL belches
FIL makes inappropriate poo jokes at the dinner table.
MIL complains it's cold in our house whilst refusing to wear anything other than a skirt with sandals, no tights, and a vest top. We live in Cumbria and it's December.
FIL gets horribly drunk.
FIL orders MIL to make him a drink / get him a paper / pass him something or whatever else he does to display his innate misogyny.

And yes. Indefinitely! Wow.

As regards the messages. I just spent ages trying to word it in a non identifying manner and failed. So deleted it. Basically it comes down to favouritism between grandchildren.

I know what the problem is. It won't go away. I could just do with a coping strategy. At the moment it's just 'smile and wave'.

I cope by sloping off a lot. So I'll just put the kettle on! 15 mins. I'm having a shower! 30 mins. Also use it as an opportunity to spend time with ur own children. Take them in another room and play games or put a film on to she can't speak. Can you not go out one evening and let her babysit??

Why don't you just rescind the invitation? I wouldn't be having anyone who disrespects me in my home ever, let alone at Christmas.

LittleAlbatross are you me?! That list is horribly familiar. Love the bingo.

Have your tried spelling out 'Fuck Off' with your tongue on the roof of your mouth?

I find that quite helpful sometimes.

I wouldn't rescind. FIL is lovely and not a well man. Am looking forward to seeing him. Kids are really excited too.

I like that one too AnnaMagnani. A bit worried I might actually say it! Hence limited drinking only.

Sounds tough
In the last year I’ve shifted in my view of mil, and find myself feeling a bit sorry for her, more than anything. I learned a technique for managing anxiety where I would step back from the feeling and sort of look at it with curiousity and detachment. I find lately that instead of jumping into the feelings of hurt/irritation/anger that I now look at her behavior in a more detached way. And because I’m not as easily emotionally triggered I’m noticing when she’s being astonishingly socially inept, or acting out of insecurity. Often I end up feeling sorry for her (often in a rather unkind way, but sometimes with compassion). I don’t really have any suggestions- it would be a bit trite to say “try detaching” because that’s on the back of a couple of years of therapy. I’m just sharing because it has really surprised me to discover that I don’t have to play the supporting actress role, and that I can feel entirely differently about her when for years I felt so powerless and stuck.

I used to dread staying at my in-laws or them coming to stay with us. I tried to remind myself that without them my lovely partner would not exist. My mother in law would tell me that having a baby was just a day's work etc etc

Nah, get drunk and speak your mind so with any luck she'll flounce off and you'll never see her again.

AnnaMagnani

I'm having a shower! 30 mins

Don't over use this one.

DPs friends are all dropper-inners and I have huge anxiety about meeting new people. When we first started going out and a friend dropped by I'd hear him say "Oh you must meet Changer!"

At which point I'd dive into the shower.

They all think I'm mad

MIL can be both fabulous and infuriating at the same time. She is very loyal and amazing in an emergency but the passive aggressive comments, open racism/homophobia, complete lack of logic at times can quickly become too much.

We foolishly moved to be closer a while ago. All the other in laws are lovely and to be fair my mother is worse. I have to see MIL a few times over Christmas, which will be half fine and half do my head in. Last Christmas Day was hideous. This one will be better as SIL is there as well...

I need some coping mechanisms. I have hidden before eg extra long toilet trips and also nominated myself to come home and walk the dog last yr to get a break.

We have played MIL bingo before! Haha!

I tend to usher in-laws & everyone into the living room & actually stay back to do the washing up. Sad but true. Usually involves music I like & another glass of wine or g&t. Then when everyone sitting around get your book out. Long bath/shower and also dog walks alone..... Will now be adding in-law bingo to the fun & games!

Focus on making it good for your kids. Try your hardest to rise above it all & take the high road for sake of kids & husband (but it's not easy). And subtly learn to give back as good as you get.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE FACING IN-LAW TRYING TIMES NEXT WEEK!!!!!

Hands up everyone who tried to write Fuck Off on the roof of their mouth with their tongue after reading AnnaMagnani’s comment .