Find my in-laws' idea of Christmas really depressing

[Christmashuffs]

NC just in case.

So, a bit of background.

Christmas has always been a lovely occasion in my family. I come from a working-class home, the type where family was the most important thing. We never had loads of money and lived in a terraced house on a council estate (although my parents did own it). There were several years growing up when my parents didn't really have the money to buy us gifts, so we got some hand-me-downs or homemade gifts (which, tbh, were pretty amazing - my dad actually made my brothers petrol go-karts out of old lawnmower parts one year), and we were none the wiser, honestly.
Coming from a Catholic family, we focused on the Nativity at home, but family was a huge part of our tradition. Mum had a lovely artificial tree and we weren't allowed to put it up until everyone was all together. We decorated it while singing carols, drinking hot chocolate (mum had a vodka and coke - now that I'm in charge of my own decorations, I understand why), and reminiscing about all the "special" decorations we had (e.g. "great aunt so-and-so bought us this when she went to Eurodisney).
The day itself usually passed in a flurry of excitement. We went to mass in the morning, opened presents, watched whatever Christmas movie was on TV (usually The Muppets Christmas carol), went for a family walk to see all the lights, and then sat down to dinner with my aunt and cousins who always spent at least part of the day with us.
Even now, when my brothers and I are all grown up and out of the house, we still have the same attitude toward Christmas. A huge amount of thought goes into gifts - we don't really care about cost, but it's always clear that we've thought about the recipient. My parents are still massively generous, especially toward charities etc, and have instilled in me that Christmas is a time to put selfishness aside and be as generous as you possibly can - not just with money, but with your time and your love as well. On the years we spend Christmas with them, DH is always amazed by how lovely it is.

That's probably because his family have a different idea of Christmas - and life in general, really. He grew up in a wealthy family. Seven bedroom home, several foreign holidays a year, tuition to pass exams lest he bring the family to shame. In laws are now retired and mention how broke they are every time we see them. They don't behave as though they are - still take regular foreign holidays (3 or 4 per year), MIL always buying new designer handbags, etc.
But when it comes to Christmas, they are really miserly, and it seems they've always been this way. Their only tradition appears to be getting a real Christmas tree, which they then didn't decorate. I gave them a lovely artificial one a few years ago, as they were complaining about the cost of the real one. Went to put it up and they didn't even have lights to put on it. I had to go out and get some. They do use the tree and the lights every year now.
When it comes to gifts - and I don't want to sound grabby - they are shocking. E.g. a couple of years back, DH and I both got soap on a rope. MIL always wants quite specific gifts from us (e.g. a particular designer purse), which we always get because we know it will make her happy. But it almost seems as though she goes out of her way to buy daft gifts that she knows we won't like.
Also, their Christmas day always consists of a long, luxury dinner (TBF they work very hard on this, but we always contribute something significant such as the turkey or ham), followed by an hour-long argument about which board game to play, culminating in SIL throwing a huge tantrum (she is mid-20s and still storms out of a room for attention), everyone else getting told off by MIL for upsetting her, and then everybody sitting down to watch a movie with chocolates, while MIL tells everyone off for their unhealthy diets (she'll be eating the sweets as well, though). We get home late and in a bad mood and DH usually goes straight to bed with a headache.

I'm pregnant with my first this year and I just don't think I can cope with it. Would it be awful to barricade my doors and just spend Christmas with DH and the cat?

It just sounds different, and the good thing is with a kid on the way you can make your own Christmas- brilliant excuse to have! You sort of have to try to alternate years though or steer things your way to find something that works.

DH and I both dislike elements of each other family's Christmas, but we've each found things that we really enjoy.

My family go all out with a pheasant on Xmas eve, a goose/4-course meal on Christmas day, lots of time talking around the table/playing games. He finds it intense, but equally enjoys the games.

His family do 2 big family parties for each side with lots of relatives, but they don't really pay much attention to the quality of the food and it's all buffets. The food/buffets feel all wrong to me, but I do like that they manage to get everyone together.

@Stillme1 that does sound eerily similar. My in-laws are honestly nice enough, but yes, it is difficult when they have no idea where you're coming from about Christmas!

You are really ever so judgemental about their spoilt, wealthy, no-concept-of-true-values Christmas (and, by extension, life) versus your honest, working-class, authentic, true-spirit-of-Christmas one. You don't like them. That's OK. I think you're rather pleased that your dh seems to like your family better than his own. Also OK, I suppose. Your family do sound nice. But judgementalism and inverted-not-inverted snobbery (you seem to imply that they are new money) aren't really in the spirit of the season either. And I'm not going to say 'YANBU, of course it's OK never to darken your ILs' door at Christmas again because your salt-of-the-earth family does it so much better and with true Christmas spirit', because if you want to maintain family ties you will have to go to your ILs' occasionally. Fine not to want to do it every year. But occasionally. (And I say this as someone who really struggles with her MIL and tbh is rather pleased that she prefers Christmas elsewhere).

It sounds like the main difference is that your family is close and you all like each other, his is are disparate and individualistic. So a difference between families, that just happens to be more obvous at Christmas.

You both sound very materialistic about it in your own ways - just with different taste. They like expensive food, you like to spend money on themed outfits. So it's not a materialism vs selflessness or spirituality difference.

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight I know!! I'm so judgy of their Christmas. It just makes me so miserable and I don't know why. I actually do like them as people...we have our disagreements but get along ok. But Christmas is something that sends me into a tailspin! I'm happy to spend New year's Day at their house every year - I actually prefer it as my family don't have traditions around that since mum was usually working. Hopefully that counts for something and makes me sound less horrible?

Oh they're not new money, btw. They're very, very old money.

We got round this by hosting Christmas every year. We had the kids, the grandparents wanted to see them, and frankly kids make Christmas. We don't have a big house, everyone has to muck in and bring some food for the feast. It was after the frankly horrific half heated up cauliflower soup at my inlaws one year that had us both in agony with trapped wind no choice other than to have a farting competition and the kids (toddlers) wanting to be at home playing with their presents, we realised Things Had To Change.

How do you think SIL will respond to the baby? Is she the youngest in that family - about to lose her 'baby' status?

It could change the dynamic for the best, in years to come, as you'll be focusing on including the dc and as 'aunt X' she'll be obliged to set a good example, or, if she does strop, no-one will really be paying attention.

But really, the raw material, celebration-wise is not bad at all: family together, nice dinner, board game, film. It all just needs a cheerier attitude and it could be fun and lovely.

OP, it's not about you being horrible - it's just you set a whole scene about your Christmas vs theirs, with quite a few asides about your/their lives - and it does all sound thoroughly disapproving. I think your parents had it spot on with Christmas being about generosity - could you try and channel them and focus on finding some generosity of spirit about your ILs' way of doing Christmas? (Unless, of course, they are properly toxic, but it doesn't sound as if they are, just not that easy to be around). Nothing wrong with keeping the visit quite short, either.

@lottiegarbanzo yeah, suppose that's true. My own mum does rather despair at my Christmas jumpers, although is jealous of my bedclothes. We're both total unapologetic Christmas nutjobs, though!

I've never thought about it before, but it's true that there's a lot of conflict in his family, whereas mine rubs along quite peaceably for the most part. That probably is the main difference, really. Without the arguments, I suppose it doesn't look much different from the outside, and the arguments really are what wear us both out so much.

You bought your mil an artificial tree????!!!

I do find the tree scenario extraordinary. Both that you'd buy people who like a real tree, an artificial one and, that they buy a tree every year but don't decorate it (really? It stands there bare?).

@lottiegarbanzo very insightful - yes, she is the baby. A "late one" as we say, so quite a bit younger than everyone else. DH had to tell her recently that if the tantrums don't stop we won't be able to bring baby over, as we don't want DC learning that that's acceptable behaviour. I had nothing to do with this, BTW! She is, however, very good with kids, so maybe you're right about that changing the dynamic.

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight ok yeah, I see where you're coming from. And FWIW I do disapprove of their attitude to a lot of things (especially telling everyone they're broke when they aren't, to be honest). But maybe that's more my problem than theirs. I'll definitely be keeping the visits short, though!!

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess @lottiegarbanzo yes, but they'd been talking about getting one due to the cost of the real one and I saw a nice one on sale and bought it. All above board, don't worry.

They just put a star on top of the real ones as they thought trees were beautiful enough.

We are very similar here I grew up with family filled chaotic Christmases with lots of happiness, Christmas movies and Christmas songs. We head to village pub to see people and a few drinks. Until I had ds1 xmas day was spent pretty hung over as always loved xmas Eve merriment.

Dh Christmas very formal most years father-in-law and brother-in-law fall asleep after lunch TV doesn't go on we must get have 2 bottles of wine between 6 adults. it's just quiet and a bit boring.

We have to alternate every Christmas but my family are 500 miles away so in the years that we go to them we end up doing an inlaw Christmas Day at some point over the holidays too.

The year Ds2 was born we had Christmas in our own home and my parents came to us which was lovely I'd also recommend trying to encourage that practice

...mum had a vodka and coke - now that I'm in charge of my own decorations, I understand why....

Sorry, this tickled me. No help to you, OP.

I'll get my coat

I've been alternating Christmasses with mine and DP's family for years and I don't enjoy DP's that much, they aren't as fun and they don't really drink. DP would agree!

Anyway we're expecting our first baby this year and I've decided it's Christmas at ours from now on, I want to set a new tradition for our little family. All rellies are welcome. I feel like I've done my time!

If they're giving you cheap gifts despite expecting expensive gifts, then how about you nip it in the bud, use the baby's arrival to say that as you're saving up for that and don't have a lot of money this year/next year, how about doing token gifts; maximum of £5 (or £10 or £3 or whatever you want) per person but cheap and meaningful, no lists, rather than impersonal lists of things that they can buy for themselves just as easily.

That way at least you're only losing out on a tenner (and you can buy your favourite chocs or something you like so that if they don't like it then you can keep it and they can take whatever horror they gifted you in return).

They just put a star on top of the real ones as they thought trees were beautiful enough

I'm liking this family more and more. They seem like my kind of people

Your Christmas sounds lovely. Very similar to my family’s values. I brought some slightly different ideas to our family Christmas and after a disastrous one at the in laws one year i refused to ever go again. Luckily the lived a long way from us so that helped.

I would surprise MIL with a soap on the rope this year if I were you as you can’t afford much due to the expense of baby.

Years ago my aunt who had trouble walking sent a cheque and I was determined to buy something that she would approve of so I started a set of Christmas crockery Holly and Ivy by Portmerion.
I sent her a picture and she was thrilled. Every year since I have bought another piece usually just after Christmas in the sales. It looks lovely when the tables is set and we have afternoon tea things for visitors. I really love getting it all out the week before Christmas and we start using it on Christmas Eve. I go to Mass on Christmas Eve and leave the gammon on to roast so we have a slice of that and the rest is for Boxing Day. My sons all work on Boxing Day so they take a plate of food home to heat up when they come in from work. They love there “ doggy bag.”
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I hope you have a wonderful time.

Loved that comment about mum’s vodka too.😁

I wouldn’t bother. I politely told my in-laws to ram Xmas some years ago. Life’s too short.

They also have a bit of money, only ever buy ‘the best’, go on a few overseas trips a year etc. Then there’s Xmas. There is a small tree so that’s something, it had built in lights which stopped working several moons ago, nothing else. Just a small knee size blue tree made from tinsel in an otherwise bare room. But that’s okay, so far so good.

When you arrive they make out they have somehow spent all morning ‘on the lunch’, it’s all so very onerous. For lunch they pre-plate the pre-cut ham so that you get one very thin piece roughly 5x5cm. Then you self serve with a cold chicken bought many days before ‘to avoid the rush’. Given I’m not friends with Salmonella I give this a miss. Then there is some cold pre-packed budget salad, the size of which means you get one spoonful each. When you taste it you realise it was purchased at the same time as the chicken as the dressing has gone rancid. Then there are tinned peas, tinned corn and tinned pineapple. So basically you get a thin 5cm square piece of ham to eat for lunch.

Then they get out wine. One bottle that is the cheapest they could get at the bottle shop (as in the absolute cheapest) and tastes like paint stripper.

Why don’t we contribute and take something? We tried that. OMG. The horror. That was not on as they have so much already (be it inedible) that they can’t possibly fit whatever you have into the fridge and it all caused a Xmas day blow up. The main problem here is that their absolutely massive double door fridge is stuffed full of decent food, just for them including a massive ham that you would think two people could never possibly get through. Seriously the minute we leave they must rip that ham open and stuff it in.

The present exchange involved an expensive request from them for which we would go out and get, wrap etc and in return they would give us a card with money for the equivalent cost.

Nope. Fuck that. After suffering for several years I said enough was enough, never again. I’m not suffering it and not subjecting kids to it. When asked why, I was just honest, no point making some weird excuse year after year. I said they were welcome to come to ours. Which they did, with a packet of budget tarts that had been price reduced as they were expired that day. I binned them in front of them. They have not been back for Xmas.

With a baby on the way, I would use this time now to implement your own rules and traditions surrounding Christmas for YOUR family, OP. If you want a lovely, festive time of it in your own home with your own wee family, do just that. It is not unreasonable to want Christmas in your own home. Please don't let anybody guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Can you maybe alternate years for spending Christmas Eve and Boxing day between both sides? So one year do Christmas Eve with your family and Boxing Day with DH's, then swap the following year? That way you see everyone but keep Christmas Day itself to just you, DH and DC?

Christmas is a massive deal to me and I love all the planning and excitement that goes into it. I've always been firm about wanting to spend it with my family at home. Boxing Day is the day for travelling to see our wider family - and suffering my Uncle's bad jokes, my aunt's silly made up games, frantically trying to stretch too little food between a million people and a nightmare journey there and back. FUCK doing that on Christmas Day!

Well if you're going to keep inflicting them on yourself then I think you should take a leaf out of your MIL's book - with the right attitude to the whole thing it could even become a new Christmas tradition. She asks for a designer purse, get her some gloves. She asks for L'Occitane, get her a road atlas. Silk scarf? Nope, jigsaw puzzle. Basically do what she does - buy whatever you find in whatever shop she happens to be in.

Your childhood sounds like mine, in all it's wonderfully tacky glory. People pine for their own family traditions though, they take comfort in their memories of Christmas past however it was celebrated.
Now you are a family of your own, of course you can have it at your own place, no need to worry about the in-laws.

I don't think the ILs Christmas sounds that bad-apart from SIL.

The first time I went to my first lot of ILs I didn't like it much.

Bacon sandwiches for breakfast-nothing else offered.

SIL ("baby" of the family) didn't come down for hers immediately & MIL was fuss, fuss, fuss about it getting cold.

FFS!

2nd (current) ILs don't really do presents other than a token.

But nobody needs/wants anything so it's not really a problem, is it?

What they don't do though is ask for extravagent stuff.

Why do you feel that you have to buy what they ask for?