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Original poster

Would this be a mad idea re doing Christmas my way?

66 replies

nomorepeoplepleasing · 06/09/2018 13:22

Hi

I am thinking of having our main family Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve rather than the day itself, so that we have had our Christmas our way before MIL comes over and it's all about her. Would this be mad/unfair?

By way of background, we have 2 DC both aged 10+. Every year MIL comes over to us and this is unlikely to change in her lifetime as she has no siblings or other children. We had one Christmas without her when the DC were very small and FIL was alive, which was amazing. We did things exactly as we wanted (including a mid morning walk, playing together, late lunch and in our pyjamas with a film and snacks by 7pm.

DH and I would love a similar Christmas again but MIL changes the dynamic completely. She arrives very early and brings huge bags of presents and insists that they are all opened as soon as she arrives, and each item is looked at and passed around the family. She is also very fussy over food so we can never choose to have something less traditional for dinner. There is no chance of setting down with a film in the early evening as she makes it clear every year that she will not leave before 9pm (we have had the discussion previously and she gets very upset, then on the day just doesn't leave). If we try to watch a film with her around she will talk all the way through and she is not keen on not having a 'proper meal' in the evening. We all find this frustrating. The DC end up fighting, DH gets increasingly irritated with her and I end up in the kitchen for most of the day. MIL could probably go to a friend for Christmas day (she has plenty and goes on holiday with them etc) but she always wants to be with us and DH will not hear of telling her she can't. His view (which I completely understand) is that it's just one day so not a big deal.

We did try one year to just do Christmas our way anyhow- but it failed as the first hurdle. We had told MIL that we would be going for a walk and she agreed but on the day she decided she would rather stay in, then started to cry when we started going out so we all came back in.

So- would it be out of order for us to have our family Christmas on Christmas Eve (complete with presents, stockings, big meal (not necessarily traditional), booze, crackers etc. I think that way we would all feel we'd had our day, the DC will have had a day to use their presents from us etc so we'll all get less irritated with having to sit around and do things MIL's way on Christmas day.

OP posts:
RusholmeRuffian · 06/09/2018 13:25

Not unreasonable at all! Go for it.

NoSleepzzzz · 06/09/2018 13:29

My family have done Christmas Day on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day quite a few times now (although for different reasons than yours) and it doesn't feel any different than if we had celebrated on Christmas Day. Do it! And enjoy celebrating the day in the way your and your family want to celebrate it.

ParadiseLaundry · 06/09/2018 13:33

Not unreasonable at all.

'We did things exactly as we wanted (including a mid morning walk, playing together, late lunch and in our pyjamas with a film and snacks by 7pm.'

This sounds like my dream Christmas. Not likely to ever come true for us though Sad

ACurlyWurly · 06/09/2018 13:36

I have many friends who do it that way, personally if I had to do it on Christmas eve then I would do the whole thing but keep stockings until Christmas morning if the MIL was coming for 2nd Christmas

I say do it your way!

TittyGolightly · 06/09/2018 13:42

We have our xmas* anywhere between Nov and Feb and have done for about 12 years.

The world hasn’t ended. Do whatever you want!

  • (our Xmas consists of a meal and a small stocking for DD.)
cheesefield · 06/09/2018 13:42

Great idea!

Emma765 · 06/09/2018 13:46

It sounds lovely.

If she realises that's what you've done, will she get upset and cause a scene on Christmas day?

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/09/2018 13:46

I'm thinking of doing the dinner on Christmas Eve this year and having an easy meal (plus turkey) on the day. Don't think I would have coped with your crying MIL, I would have just kept walking and then cooked what I liked.

MikeCheck12 · 06/09/2018 13:47

Not unreasonable but I don't really understand why you have her over, she sounds like a right pain in the arse.

Could you have her over after Xmas, say the day after boxing day? That way, you get your Xmas without having to fuck about with dates and your MIL still gets to visit but not ruin one of your main Xmas days.

That's what we've done with my mum, who's also a pain in the neck Grin

Bakingberry · 06/09/2018 13:48

She sounds like a nightmare! I'd be more tempted to invite her over on Xmas eve and do the traditional thing with her. Then you can relax and enjoy the actual day with the family.

Fairylights29 · 06/09/2018 13:54

I can understand why your frustrated but i think it would be mean not to have her. Your day sounds like perfect boxing day plans to me.

PrincessWire · 06/09/2018 13:56

Why on earth did you turn around when she started crying?

Do what makes you and your family happy. There's nothing set in stone for what you should do at Christmas, despite an awful lot of people thinking that there is!

blueskiesandforests · 06/09/2018 13:56

Great idea, not unreasonable at all.

We always have a British Christmas dinner and our presents on Christmas Eve and go to oil on Christmas Day. Mil used to do a big Christmas her way (but can't complain as she did all the catering and was far more into elaborate decoration etc than me, and doted on the kids). She died after a sudden illness and we still do one Christmas at home then a different sort of very low key informal day with fil and the bils on Christmas Day (one bil now cooks and makes a very different, very hearty but simple meal.)

There's no one way.

blueskiesandforests · 06/09/2018 13:57

Pil not oil

LaLaLolly · 06/09/2018 13:58

We ALWAYS have three different Christmases here;

  • Christmas Eve is huge for me (Mediterranean and we celebrate mostly then). Adults open presents at midnight. Children in bed
  • Christmas Day is British tradition; children open presents when they wake up and then we visit in-laws and do turkey, etc.
  • Boxing Day is just me, DH and DC. We cook all our favourites, have turkey leftover sandwiches and chill with our presents wearing athleisure or pyjamas

LOVE IT

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/09/2018 13:58

Great idea, but whatever you do, don't tell her ahead of time that you are doing this or she will invite herself over on Christmas eve too!
I do think you have to seize back some control of your actual Christmas day though. Do you really want her ruining it forever? Crying because you wanted to go for a walk is manipulative and horribly selfish. Your dh shouldn't be allowing her to do it - yes, she is his mum but he has a wife and children to think of too.
When do you get to spend Christmas with your own parents?
I think if it was me, I'd tough it out and not invite her every year or do what I wanted and ignore the drama llama tears tell her to go home if she can't behave

DaisyChops · 06/09/2018 13:58

We did this last year for the first time, I did the big Xmas dinnner on Xmas eve and it left time on Christmas Day to spend time with the kids and not stress about cooking for the family.

Would defo recommend it!

Chipotlejars · 06/09/2018 14:00

She sounds dreadful! Absolutely go for it!

BertrandRussell · 06/09/2018 14:02

"We had told MIL that we would be going for a walk and she agreed but on the day she decided she would rather stay in, then started to cry when we started going out so we all came back in."
Unless she was recently widowed you should have just kept going!

letsdolunch321 · 06/09/2018 14:07

Do whatever suits you best. Life is too short for Mil/Christmas day dramas

BiddyPop · 06/09/2018 14:16

Could you do a bit of both?
Do your Christmas Eve your way.

But also tell MIL that, as a family, you really want to enjoy a few things differently this year and that there won't be a meal in the evening (assuming you are still happy to do a turkey earlier) and that you all want to watch a family movie together in the evening as you so rarely get to do that. So while she's welcome to stay for that, it WILL be to sit and watch the movie, and NOT to spend the time talking. If she does start talking, DH will be under instructions to just get her into the car and bring her home. And she will not be welcome next year.

And that if the weather is fine, you may well go out for a walk in the morning while things are cooking. She is welcome to come, or stay in the house - but if the weather suits, YOU as a FAMILY will be going out to enjoy it.

Original poster
nomorepeoplepleasing · 06/09/2018 14:30

Thanks everyone- seems like it's not such a bonkers idea as I was thinking it might be,

MikeCheck12- I would dearly love to have her over one day after Xmas instead of on the day but she is adamant that Xmas day is a day to spend with family. She and her DM spent every Christmas day together and she gets very upset if we suggest that she doesn't spend the day with DH. DH is made to feel that if she is not with us she will be alone and upset (not sure that would be true) and he just can't do it.

Baking berry- if we suggested Xmas Eve instead of Xmas day for her she would be very upset. Whilst part of me thinks we should not let ourselves be manipulated by her I know that if we did this there would be lots of tears and a high risk that she'd come for Xmas Eve and make such a fuss about being alone on Xmas day that we'd cave and end up with her for both!

IWannaSee- I big part of me agrees with you totally. But I know that the first time we refused to have her over she would be calling DH all day asking why she couldn't be with us and DH would feel bad. She would probably also have a mystery illness on Xmas Eve that would require DH to go over to her alone to look after her (she has form for this but since she did have a serious illness about 10 years ago that DH didn't take seriously he does not feel he can call her bluff). Good point re when we see my parents- usually boxing day, or another day after Xmas if we have other plans, they are very relaxed about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorepeoplepleasing · 06/09/2018 14:36

BiddyPop- yes, I think I will take your advice and try to have things more our way on Xmas day too. We did try this last year a bit but we clearly need to be firmer. Last year we made a point of saying that we would not be talking through the film and shushed her whenever she started to chat (mainly about what her friends had been bought for Xmas etc) so she pointedly spent the whole film with her finger on her mouth any playing on her phone. If any of us spoke (just to offer drinks, remind the youngest to go to the loo etc) she made some comment about being the only one not allowed to speak. It was very much like having a stroppy teenager that refused to be banished to her room!

OP posts:
Shampooeeee · 06/09/2018 14:36

YANBU. Sounds like a good plan to do everything your own way on Christmas Eve.

You should still go for a walk on Christmas Day though. Buy some earmuffs for everyone, put them on, shout to her that you are going out to work up an appetite and keep walking. If she cries, you can ignore her and blame the earmuffs.

worstmotherintheworld · 06/09/2018 14:38

I would go for the Christmas Eve plan but I wouldn't mention it to her beforehand just in case she tries to cause drama.

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