Would this be a mad idea re doing Christmas my way?

[nomorepeoplepleasing]

Hi

I am thinking of having our main family Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve rather than the day itself, so that we have had our Christmas our way before MIL comes over and it's all about her. Would this be mad/unfair?

By way of background, we have 2 DC both aged 10+. Every year MIL comes over to us and this is unlikely to change in her lifetime as she has no siblings or other children. We had one Christmas without her when the DC were very small and FIL was alive, which was amazing. We did things exactly as we wanted (including a mid morning walk, playing together, late lunch and in our pyjamas with a film and snacks by 7pm.

DH and I would love a similar Christmas again but MIL changes the dynamic completely. She arrives very early and brings huge bags of presents and insists that they are all opened as soon as she arrives, and each item is looked at and passed around the family. She is also very fussy over food so we can never choose to have something less traditional for dinner. There is no chance of setting down with a film in the early evening as she makes it clear every year that she will not leave before 9pm (we have had the discussion previously and she gets very upset, then on the day just doesn't leave). If we try to watch a film with her around she will talk all the way through and she is not keen on not having a 'proper meal' in the evening. We all find this frustrating. The DC end up fighting, DH gets increasingly irritated with her and I end up in the kitchen for most of the day. MIL could probably go to a friend for Christmas day (she has plenty and goes on holiday with them etc) but she always wants to be with us and DH will not hear of telling her she can't. His view (which I completely understand) is that it's just one day so not a big deal.

We did try one year to just do Christmas our way anyhow- but it failed as the first hurdle. We had told MIL that we would be going for a walk and she agreed but on the day she decided she would rather stay in, then started to cry when we started going out so we all came back in.

So- would it be out of order for us to have our family Christmas on Christmas Eve (complete with presents, stockings, big meal (not necessarily traditional), booze, crackers etc. I think that way we would all feel we'd had our day, the DC will have had a day to use their presents from us etc so we'll all get less irritated with having to sit around and do things MIL's way on Christmas day.

She cried because you went for a walk?!

Her behaviour is unacceptable. Why pussyfoot around it?

Your H could explain that you have a plan for the day (including gift and meal times and activities of your choice), she is welcome to join you (and sit some bits out at yours if the activities don’t appeal) but not to change or disrupt your plans, eg “insistence” or tears, as she’s done in previous years.

If she attends but is disruptive again he could explain soon after that due to her behaviour she will no longer be invited on Christmas day.

Your H might benefit from the Stately Homes threads in the relationships section, as MIL’s behaviour - and you all cowtowing - sounds dysfunctional.

We used to have our own day but held it on Boxing Day.

Sadly we’ve lost that now because as they got older the PILs dont want to drive home on Christmas evening so they stay the night.

In recent years I’ve been fighting to keep Christmas Eve/Christmas morning for just us.

The PIL really want to spend two nights so that they have all of Christmas Day, but that would mean no leisurely breakfast, presents and Christmas Day walk.

It’s problematic.

We've done it Boxing Day, a year when DH and I were both working on the day itself. DS was three years old and the DPIL were marvelous! They spent the 25th looking after DS at our house till we got back from work and then we all did Christmas on Boxing Day.

Once you get your head around it, it's no big deal. In fact I came on a thread that year where the OP was moaning that her DH was working too much in the run-up to Christmas to say "dry your eyes, we're both working the big day" and someone had humbly beaten me to the punch - her DH was away in Afghanistan on a tour of duty, but she was saying at least he would be coming home safe, others were not so lucky.

I fear it will would all turn to a shower of shite on Xmas Day when she turns up and realises she is 24 hours too late. If she'll cry about not going on a walk, then I dread to think what the drama will be like when she finds you've done it without her.

then started to cry when we started going out so we all came back in.
Wow, and you fell for it? You need stop enabling this behaviour.
Go for your walk, she can like it or lump it. She'll still be there when you come back.

I fear it will would all turn to a shower of shite on Xmas Day when she turns up and realises she is 24 hours too late

Don’t tell her. No need to mention how you don’t Christmas eve surely?

Our families both live a bit far away from us (3 hours mine, DH is from NI, we are in Scotland). Every year before we had DD we would split every single Christmas holiday between the families. Now we just stay put. My Dad still works so I arranged for us to have a 'Second Christmas day' on 27th at our house for my family. My mother was all drama and refused to call it christmas and bla bla bla DH's family refused to travel. We are only ones with a child and she is small. So the end result was that we were on our own for Christmas day and it was a bit strange but also so lovely. I got to keep to DDs mealtimes and we had a huge Moroccan inspired feast for our main meal. She played with her new toys happily and didn't get overwhelmed. I think this year we are going to do the same thing, although I think a walk will be incorporated this year. I hate that a time of year that is supposed to be jolly causes so much stress. I also feel guilty about being selfish and doing things our way but ultimately that is best for us. Hope your Christmas on Christmas eve is lovely!

I fear it will would all turn to a shower of shite on Xmas Day when she turns up and realises she is 24 hours too late. If she'll cry about not going on a walk, then I dread to think what the drama will be like when she finds you've done it without her.

You do have a point- I think I'll have to let the DC know that granny might be upset if she thinks she's missed out on our Xmas Eve celebration so best not to mention it. Although the more I read these responses the more I think we've been putting up with too much and secretly I wonder if it might be a good thing if she does find out we had our day on Xmas eve and throw her toys out of the pram. That way we could at least question why it's a problem as she always says it's 25 December that's important to her and no other day will do- it would probably bring out the fact that actually it's about controlling what we do and being centre of attention rather than a specific day. (whilst posting on FB about what a special time she's having with her wonderful son grandchildren)

We had xmas day on the 24th when exh made it clear I would not be seeing dc over Xmas (to punish me because I left him).
Posted a letter to the dc from Santa on Christmas eve, saying that he knew they wouldn't be there on the 25th so was coming early!!
Was amazing tbh. Very special indeed. Exh flipped his lid - Brucie Bonus !!

The pandering needs to stop.

I think I'll have to let the DC know that granny might be upset if she thinks she's missed out on our Xmas Eve celebration so best not to mention it

No, don't go down that road! That would be hugely unfair to your dc.

Op.

Where does she live and how often do you see her.

If she is close by and you see her fairly regularly, absolutely do it on 24th but op... This is really manipulative awful behaviour.

It's awful that 4 people include two adults cannot have the Xmas they want.
I think doing it your way on Xmas eve is perfect though, it's always slightly flat waiting... And then dc get more presents on the the day.

Of course most of Europe do it on Xmas eve and the dc are old enough to not do fc.

My Mil tried a few times over the years for us to forgo the joy of Xmas morning, all the father Christmas joy... The anticipation, waiting etc to do it her way. Which is go to her immaculate can't relax in house. Sit very staid whilst gifts handed round. On Xmas eve.

But, on Xmas day also warn her your doing things differently this year because your not enjoying it.

Christ, she's a nightmare. You can and should have Christmas however you want it.

But I don't think it's a great idea to tell your DC not to mention the Xmas Eve celebration. How do you see Xmas Day being if you had her over? A re-run of Xmas Eve? Or would you feel more relaxed about doing things a bit her way (trad food etc) if you'd had your own food and quiet film-watching etc) already?

God do it, these are your special years with your children.

We've had to negotiate MIL gets to do Christmas her way on Boxing Day. We just don't want to give up our Christmas Day and she doesn't like how we do it so doesn't want to come to us.

As children we spent Christmas Eve with our maternal Grandma at our house (lovely, sweet, kind) then Christmas day just us. Boxing day was our paternal Grandma. She was cruel and unpleasant and we were told as children that the reason we did our Christmas the way we did was so nasty Grandma couldn't spoil Christmas for us

Christmas Eve is our family day together. Just us, pyjamas, same food set up. Christmas day is spent with both mine and Dh's family at their houses, we split the day but it is lovely and we both love it.

Boxing day we spend on our own allowing the children time to play with the gifts they got from us, then my family, then Dh's family.

It works for us. Do it your way.

I too was wondering what would happen when she rocks up on the 25th to find she’d missed the family Christmas. I think you have pandered to her long enough; she had her time to organise her Christmas as she wanted it , and now this is your time.

Yes, we’ve had the occasional year without rellies and have done things like Beach party Christmas (cocktails burgers and ice cream sundaes) or stay in your pjs all day Christmas. It’s not quite the same (what is Christmas without annoying rellies?) but makes the year after less of a drudge. Funnily enough, in recent years I have gone more towards doing an extra mini-xmas for rellies we won’t be with, must be getting sentimental.

I hope you won’t end up doing all the extra work though.

I couldn't leave my MIL in the house alone and go out. God knows what she would do to the meal in my absence!

She won't have 'missed the family Christmas' though, as she will be there on Christmas Day. You can do Christmas Eve your way, with just your own little family, and pander to her on Christmas Day. At least she doesn't stay overnight or for days and days. You can do things your own way on Christmas Eve, but you absolutely must get DH on side so that if she starts kicking off, he handles it and is prepared to be firm with her. Without his support, it could all go badly wrong the following year.

The expression "your own little family" makes my teeth itch.

OP- why not just do your day the way you want on Christmas Eve? Don't call it Christmas. Just do it. We have all sorts of Christmas Eve rituals we all love. Don't make a big deal out of it. Plan to have everything done by the night of the 23rd. Then have "normal" Christmas on the 25th. And think of something else lovely to do on the 26th. Three lovely days. Everyone happy.

can you not tell her to come later as the kids are teens and dont get out of bed before 11am. Tell her that you will all be having a lay in and you will see her for cocktails at noon.

That way you can have a bit of the morning just yourselves while still having her over for Christmas.

What's she like the rest of the time? Is she normally this manipulative?

She clearly just wants to be the matriarch and control what you all do for Christmas. If you have your Christmas your way on Christmas eve I have no doubt she will be upset. Which is exactly why you should do it, so that you aren't caving into her shower of shit. That being said I really think that actually you need to stand up for yourselves and have the Christmas you want on Christmas day. DH needs to take this on.

Thanks everyone. At least I know I'm not being totally unrealistic now. I think I will suggest to DH that the 4 of us have the day we would like on Xmas eve (including exchanging presents between the 4 of us in the morning, so the DC can use theirs for a day before granny arrives). I will not specifically tell her we are doing this, but will not ask the DC to keep quiet- if she's not happy that's too bad.

On the day itself, if we want to go out/watch TV etc we will just do it.

Maverick- I'd say 80% of the time she is quite a normal fairly pleasant person, the rest of the time she is very quietly manipulative, especially of DH. It could be that the 80% is when she is getting what she wants anyway though! She seems to genuinely believe that she is more sensitive than other people and that therefore her feelings mean more (I have numerous examples of her saying that other people deal with things better than her, can cope with more than her etc and so it's OK for them to put up with something less than ideal so she doesn't have to). DH is starting to see through her (though he is convinced that she is not consciously trying to manipulate us) and challenges her quite a bit now. Christmas just seems to be the one area where she is not prepared to budge and he can't bring himself to say she can't come or argue with her on the day.

Sounds like a good plan.

Portraying oneself as especially sensitive (as a way to manipulate) is a well known red flag!

DH needs to woman up! .It’s hard, he is likely to have lots of “FOG” - fear, obligation and guilt. But it’d be better for him and all of you if he “sees” and starts to address the issues, for example by adjusting boundaries, as the chances are high that over time her behaviour will get worse if/when her health deteriorates.