Would this be a mad idea re doing Christmas my way?

[nomorepeoplepleasing]

Hi

I am thinking of having our main family Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve rather than the day itself, so that we have had our Christmas our way before MIL comes over and it's all about her. Would this be mad/unfair?

By way of background, we have 2 DC both aged 10+. Every year MIL comes over to us and this is unlikely to change in her lifetime as she has no siblings or other children. We had one Christmas without her when the DC were very small and FIL was alive, which was amazing. We did things exactly as we wanted (including a mid morning walk, playing together, late lunch and in our pyjamas with a film and snacks by 7pm.

DH and I would love a similar Christmas again but MIL changes the dynamic completely. She arrives very early and brings huge bags of presents and insists that they are all opened as soon as she arrives, and each item is looked at and passed around the family. She is also very fussy over food so we can never choose to have something less traditional for dinner. There is no chance of setting down with a film in the early evening as she makes it clear every year that she will not leave before 9pm (we have had the discussion previously and she gets very upset, then on the day just doesn't leave). If we try to watch a film with her around she will talk all the way through and she is not keen on not having a 'proper meal' in the evening. We all find this frustrating. The DC end up fighting, DH gets increasingly irritated with her and I end up in the kitchen for most of the day. MIL could probably go to a friend for Christmas day (she has plenty and goes on holiday with them etc) but she always wants to be with us and DH will not hear of telling her she can't. His view (which I completely understand) is that it's just one day so not a big deal.

We did try one year to just do Christmas our way anyhow- but it failed as the first hurdle. We had told MIL that we would be going for a walk and she agreed but on the day she decided she would rather stay in, then started to cry when we started going out so we all came back in.

So- would it be out of order for us to have our family Christmas on Christmas Eve (complete with presents, stockings, big meal (not necessarily traditional), booze, crackers etc. I think that way we would all feel we'd had our day, the DC will have had a day to use their presents from us etc so we'll all get less irritated with having to sit around and do things MIL's way on Christmas day.

Probably too late to say this but I wouldn’t actually say anything at all to anyone. I’d just go ahead and do it.

We mark the solstice with a nice meal, set the table, light the fire pit in the garden for s’mores but it’s actually my secret Christmas and keeps me sane through the horrors of actual Christmas.

The FOG intensifies at Christmas and my perfectly wonderful the-rest-of-the-time DH gets sucked in to the screwed up family dynamic in a way that’s impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it.

It’s very easy to say “DH should...” but that’s like expecting an abused child to fix his abusive parent.

If I said let’s do our own family thing on Christmas Eve, either the dc or more likely DH would say something unguarded and then the two most likely options would be a Christmas Eve spent in a&e investigating a mysteriously symptomless cardiac episode, or tears and tantrums to ruin Christmas Day. I suspect it would be similar for you.

On the other hand, if you just go ahead and have a nice day and a nice meal, go for a walk and let Santa arrive while you’re out, and generally have a lovely time then by next year it will just be what you do on Christmas Eve. And no one will have to get worked up about it or stressed.

Have Christmas Eve as a traditional Christmas Day, the way you want it.

On Christmas Day, downgrade what you offer. Don't try and make it a special day for you- you'll get frustrated when she throws her weight around.
Just let it roll on around her without doing any very special hosting.
So yes, a nice dinner, but not an all singing all dancing dinner. If she wants an evening meal, make it something really simple like leftover veg soup and rolls. Don't try too hard, let her do the running. That will make it easier for you all. I highly recommend falling asleep on the sofa, too.

Interesting about the sensitive being a red flag.

Mil has said this too
, that she is very sensitive and emotional and cries alot.

Personally I have never ever encountered such a hard cold nasty piece of work who does the bare minimum as a wife and mother and expects the world to praise her for it.

Bertrand... Maybe the phrase makes your teeth itch, (a phrase which makes me cringe) because your family unit has never come under attack to the point of divorce by manipulative and un yielding in laws who make demands on you All, and is nasty to you.

“It’s very easy to say “DH should...” but that’s like expecting an abused child to fix his abusive parent.”

No, it’s not. DH can’t and shouldn’t “fix” his parent, but he can be aware of the dynamics and act in ways that are better for his family and himself. It’s not at all easy, of course it’s not, but there are lots of options other than passivity/compliance, as the Stately Homes threads posters discuss.

I must be the only one that feels sorry for the MI.

How would you feel if this was your parents?

Or if your children's partners thought the same about you?

What would her friends think if she was to ask to go to theirs for dinner?

"Bertrand... Maybe the phrase makes your teeth itch, (a phrase which makes me cringe) because your family unit has never come under attack to the point of divorce by manipulative and un yielding in laws who make demands on you All, and is nasty to you".

Neither has the OP.

"I'd say 80% of the time she is quite a normal fairly pleasant person"

Isn't that a pretty good %age? I reckon most people would be happy with that!

It was the phrase that made your teeth itch.

Be thankful you have never had to think about your family in those terms because it's very existence has never come under attack from your own family.

Mn and rl is littered with marriages, families smashed up by awful in law situations so yes... If your under attack and you go to relate to try and save your marriage and family they will talk about your family unit your immediate family unit because its that that needs defending.

People who refuse to grasp this make me feel absurdly cross especially when they seem to stalk any in law threads to be obtuse and rude and ignorant.

Of course people find themselves /are put in hideous situations. And some people are destructive and awful.

But the “my/your little family” line seems to be usually used (not just on in law threads but everywhere) to excuse selfishness and insularity.

My Christmas was dominated entirely by exHs family for the whole of our marriage, from descending on us at the crack of dawn Christmas morning to watch present opening right through to boxing day evening.

I've managed to set some new boundaries but it's still work in progress. Christmas Eve is our time, we stay at home or go out to do out own thing. I put my foot down and stopped them coming on Christmas morning once DC got a bit older so Christmas morning we get some time to wake up and have breakfast in peace (interestingly they have other DGC and they've never done this with them) and we will only go for either lunch or dinner on Boxing Day I won't do both, this results in face pulling but I'm standing firm. I'm not sure about F but lots of OG involved.

It's hard but you do have to put your foot down and ride it out.

Quite a lot are actually but if you have lived a naive sheltered life you wouldn't know this and you should count your blessings.

It's not used to excuse selfishness and insurlarity and again if you had any sympathy or understanding in these situations which you do. Not.

You would understand that dealing with selfish difficult in laws one must draw the line sometimes.

I guess you think the Mil here's behaviour is normal and fine and she should suck it up.

I think she needs to do what's happiest for her little immediate family at Xmas and compromise on other days.

It's sad to have every single Xmas memory ruined by unpleasant manipulative in laws.

Out of interest Bertrand are you a Mil? Yiu always crop up on in law threads, ask questions usually never ever reply when someone gives you an answer you can't respond too and generally try and defend dreadful behavior and minimise it too.

I think, is this poster the most awful in law in the world and this is how she salves her consciouse on here 😂😂😂😂😂

“You would understand that dealing with selfish difficult in laws one must draw the line sometimes.“

Of course one must. And you will notice that I was one of the people on this thread that suggested the compromise that the OP has decided on. And that she should have just gone on the Christmas walk they wanted despite the MIL’s complaints.

No, i’m Not a mile by the way,

“generally try and defend dreadful behavior“

I never defend dreadful behaviour.

You could always go away for xmas? Holiday cottage somewhere... it would no doubt result in MIL being v upset.. but harder for her to turn up...

I'd be thinking the same unless you go away!!! I'd be tempted to tell her you're going on holiday!
Hope you get something sorted

Explain to your dim selfish husband, that it might only be ‘one day’, but your children only have ‘one childhood’ and so far she’s ruined practically every Christmas they’ve had and this year it’s NOT happening. He can choose to stay home with you and the children or he can choose to spend it at his Mum’s, but she is NOT coming to your house....and if it were me, I’d be telling him best he chooses wisely because if he put his mother before me & our children yet again he’d better be making sure her spare room is free for him to move into.

She’s not some frail old lady who needs looking after, she’s a selfish, rude, uncomprosing, manipulative pain in the arse you’re allowing to ruin your christmas year on year.

If she tries to pull the ‘ill’ card...tell her you have both been drinking, so can’t drive, but to call an ambulance and DH will get a taxi over once shes been admitted to hospital.