Am I being tightfisted and old fashioned

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

I have just been to a pre Christmas event at school and was involved in a conversation with a group of mums about Xmas presents. It seems that quite a few are buying iPhone 5 or iPhone 6 for the children and several are buying x box one or the latest iPad. These are presents for 9, 10 and 11 year olds. I was a bit and didn't share what presents I am buying. My child in the same age group will get what I think is a reasonable amount of presents but it will be games, DVDs, books etc and will probably total £150. I have bought most things on his list and a few extras. I now think he only put things on his list that he thinks he has a reasonable chance of getting. He hinted at an Xbox but I wasn't prepared to spend that much when previous consoles (wii and DS) didn't get much use. He knows there is no chance of a phone until high school and even then not a mega expensive phone.
I am now worried that he goes back to school after Xmas and feels like the kid who got very little compared to everyone else (I was that kid).
Please mumsnetters tell me that iPhone 6 and x box ones are not the norm for 9 and 10 year olds or tell me I am out of touch and need to join the 21st century.

No, not the norm here and we are not skint, but I don't think it's tight not to spend hundreds.

My DC do have ipads but they are handed down from us when we upgrade, and are not xmas or birthday presents (because we don't want them getting the idea that you can expect presents to that value every year).

Presents would be things like books, lego, other toys, DVDs, maybe something like a cool t-shirt or something for their room that they've admired. Like you OP it would add up to 100-150 each, including stockings.

My 9yo DS won't get a phone for another couple of years either but when he does it won't be a new iphone 6! It will be something cheap that won't be a disaster if it gets lost.

Upto you what you buy, would your DS like one but daren't ask as he knows he won't get one.

That is my concern. If I thought he would use one regularly and not connect it to the internet I would happily get him one. He was thrilled when he got a wii several years back when they were popular but he hardly used it. He would probably be thrilled with a surprise Xbox but I'm not sure he would use it very much once the novelty has worn off (probably after 48 hours going by experience). He prefers films and books.

I work with 9/10 year old's, I never really hear any of them talk about having a phone and if any do I'm sure they are not iphone 6s, I just can't see any of their parents thinking they are appropriate gifts for a child of that age.
My 17 yo would love an iphone 6 but I am not willing to spend that much on a monthly contract for him, never mind a small child.

To all the parents who's children have ipads, particularly the v-young under 10's, do you not worry about the impact this is having on their development? There is lots of very worrying research coming out showing that the increase in screen-time for that age group is having a serious effect on concentration levels and short-term memory loss. Another major impact is reading, it's much easier to get stuck into an ipad game versus a book, therefore kids aren't bothering to stick with a book past the first couple of pages.

Also, as I work in the area, I hear many parents say to me 'oh, they only use it for a few games'', but then unbeknownst to them, kids have instagram and snapchat set up on their device, messaging all kinds of stuff without their parents knowledge.

It's definitely something to bear in mind when buying Christmas presents this year, and OP, I think you've made totally the right decision. I know there's lots of stuff I wasn't allowed to do when I was a kid that I hated my parents for, but am very thankful now and understand why they said no.

My 9.5 year old is getting a phone for Christmas, not an iPhone of any description but a phone nevertheless. To be honest it seems to be the present among her classmates this year. She will bring it out with her when she calls round to her friends house, she goes to the shop on her own, plays out with friends and in a year she'll probably be making her own way home from school. I'd like her to have a phone when she does.

Mine have tablets (hudls), they use them at weekends, for an hour or so after school. Mainly for Minecraft, watching the iplayer (my dd2 in particular watches a lot of Nature shows from BBC 4), playing games, wordsearches, homework, revising times tables games.

My 9yr old ds is getting 3x pokemon figures and a ds game along with small bits eg pjs. All you can do is spend what you can afford!

DD (11) has myv old iphone 3gs on a Giff-Gaff contract. DS (13) has DH's old iphone 4s. DH says lots of people at school have iphone 5 or 6s but as I don't have one, he's certainly not having one! How have they bought iphone 5/6s? On a whopping monthly contract or just outright!?

How friendly is your DS with these people's children?

Almost none of the children here have phones until just before y7. And then they are not iPhones unless they are their parents' old ones. We bought a wii for Xmas a few years ago and DS would like a Wii U but he's not getting one and will be fine with that. We have an iPad as a family (DH bought it for work) and the children can use it within limits but don't have their own. Most children have access to these things but they certainly don't all have their own, brand new versions. And they don't get these things every year. My children are 12 and 11. We could easily afford to by them more gadgets and tech stuff but I prefer not to.

I think £150 for a child is perfectly reasonable, especially if you're able to buy what's on their list! The vast majority of families in the world can't afford even that much. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with iPads, Xboxes and iPhones, but you shouldn't feel bad if it's not affordable for you or if you don't feel they're appropriate. I certainly wouldn't worry about what everyone else is doing. If nothing else, it's a good life lesson in contentment for your DC: some people will always have nicer/bigger/more expensive things than you do, but that doesn't have to take away your enjoyment of what you DO have or affect how you feel about yourself.

£150 of presents is most definitely not tightfisted. I'm good at tightfisted, I've never asked my 9yo DS what he wants, I buy things I think he might like throughout the year then see what I have at Christmas for his stocking. He doesn't have a games console, tablet, phone or TV but he sure has a fantastic fun time at Christmas and is happy. He knows he doesn't have many of the things his friends at school have but he knows he also has many things they don't.

My DS was still getting excited over character pants in his stocking last year, he doesn't need big high value stuff.

Being tight fisted is I guess if you can afford say an ipad for your DS but choose not to buy one even though all his friends will be getting one.

My DS is 9 and not one of his friends will be getting a phone, they don't really here until they are in year 6 and are expected to walk to school on their own. Most kids have a wii they mainly use on play dates, some have Xbox or PS3, all have a 3DS. My DS for instance reads a lot and does a few activities after school so I have no problem with him on my ipad or his DS or PS3 as he's never on them for that long.

My DS (9) and DD (7) will be getting mini iPads from family members as opposed to just a tablet, so I can use my bloody ipad when I need to.

It has a camera and they can take videos etc, watch Netflix etc, I know I can trust them on it because I do now.

The only things I am buying them this Christmas are the simple things they have asked for like Lego and sylvanian stuff. They haven't asked for much tbh.
They use them at school and I think it's a brilliant piece of technology which I want them to have.

Being tight fisted is I guess if you can afford say an ipad for your DS but choose not to buy one even though all his friends will be getting one.

Do you buy things just because their friends are getting one even if you think it is not appropriate / necessary / wanted.
We have an ipad and a tablet, why would we need another one in the house?
I could afford an iphone if I really wanted to buy one for DS but his friends getting one isn't good reason IMO. He doesn't need to phone anyone. I guess that makes me tightfisted IYO?

I agree hollyangel

I think actually it's terribly sad that people are feeling the need to buy young children their own expensive electronic devices. Yes we live in a technological age and there are some fantastic products around these days. But that doesn't mean children have to have their own ones. In fact I think we should work even harder to push other more traditional stuff onto our kids. Children will grow up comfortable with technology what we you do. I don't think it has to be so encouraged at home. There is plenty of time sheds to buy phones, iPads etc. When they're little buy toys while you still can.

Ds is 9 and has been told no phones until high school, again it wont be anything expensive. I think its irresponsible to let young children have expensive phones that they will flash about, its asking to be mugged.

He has a tablet but not an expensive model and dd 6 will be getting a basic tablet this year as it is what she has asked for.

Some of his friends have expensive consoles/phones but I don't do keeping up with jones's and wouldn't buy it because his friends gave it. He has an xbox 360 but I don't let him have live despite his friends having it. Mean or not I think he is too young.

To the poster who asked about screen time affecting reading, ds is an avid reader, devouring books beyond his age range. I have no worries there.

I think one of the most fundamental values we instil in our children is that we do not have to follow the crowd and its okay to be different and do things differently. My DC know that there are a number of things that other children at school do or don't do differently from us and that that's ok. There's no need to go out of your way to be like others. If this is instilled into them at a young age, they're much more likely to be independent and individuals.

My DC didn't have a phone until they were 15 and they didn't watch the same tv programmes as their peers. They often choose to dress differently and we have certain lifestyle habits that are different from their friends at school.

To buy a phone/ipad just because everyone else is getting one seems like a waste of money. If they ask for one specifically then that's different but why buy one if its not even on their wishlist?

Being tight fisted is I guess if you ie 'one' ( not directed at you OP) can afford say an ipad for your DS but choose not to buy one even though all his friends will be getting one.

You are being very touchy for someone posting a thread for opinions.

I haven't actually been in that situation yet, my 2 are getting mini iPads (not bought by me) so I can use my own ipad when I want to. We only have one in the house, no other tablets. A lot of their friends got tablets last year and I didn't think mine needed one and it felt too indulgent by far IMO at the time as there was already one in the house.

My DS reads several books a week and is in yr4 and at the level of yr7. It is hard to keep up with him so he def needs an ipad for extra stimulation as he loves maths etc and looks up facts himself for homework and pleasure. He is like a walking encyclopaedia and has a superb memory. He has a million other interests other than playing on an ipad which is just a valuable resource of information for him.

However yes if all his friends were to get a phone I would get one for him as I would for my DD but certainly not an iPhone. None of his friends parents would be buying iPhones anyway, they would scoff at the idea so young as do I.

My DS makes Lego designed for age 12 and above which cost a fortune, he has already learnt all his times tables and the periodic table and is in a special maths class at school doing A level standard maths, he is only 9. The ipad is like a portal for him of information, he doesn't sit there mind numbingly playing app games all evening. He'll create complicated loom band creations from the internet which he'll try and teach us. He is currently learning a new language on there from an app, it's endless.

My DD however will sit there only watching Netflix and playing games on apps, but she can't not get one as it's not fair, although she wouldn't be getting one if DS wasn't. But in all fairness she plays a lot with her toys so I have no concerns there.

Not A level, sorry, GCSE.

I Know what you are saying Norfolk and I didn't mean to come across as touchy. In all honesty your DS sounds like mine mathematically. My DS knew all of his times tables in year 1 and has always worked several years ahead in maths. He can't move up to another group as it is a small school with mixed age classes and he is already in the oldest class but the teacher does differentiate his work. He is really looking forward to gojng to senior school as he knows that the classes will be grouped according to ability for core subjects. He has a reading age which is 5 years advanced and is constantly reading. He has a nook reader but he has only used it once as he prefers paper books. He has hundreds of books and has exhausted the local library and school library.
It isn't about affordability as such, more about what is appropriate and wanted and will be used enough to justify buying (unlike the nook and the wii). He knows he can use the ipad / tablet whenever he likes as long as he doesn't take them upstairs. I'm not a fan of internet in bedrooms as I feel even the most innocent children can get sucked into things that they shouldn't if they have unlimited unsupervised access to the internet (I used to work with young people and saw a lot of damage caused by Internet use). That is part of the reason why an xbox was off the cards but somebody has pointed out that an xbox can be used without internet access so it is something we would consider if DS wants one and will use it for more than the initial 48 hour novelty period.
He will also get a phone a few weeks before he starts senior school. It won't be a birthday or Xmas present as it is something I feel he will need when he is going to senior school but not before. It won't be the latest iphone because they are very expensive for something that can be easily lost, stolen or damaged. I wouldn't want my child in the situation where he is walking around with a £500 phone at his ear because I do think it will make him a potential target for mugging. We will be budgeting around £100 for a phone as I think we can get something reasonable for that price which will be decent enough to not cause embarrassment. I will still worry about internet access on the phone though. If everyone else has a £500 phone and DS has a £100 phone then that is just something he will have to live with as it isn't something that I will budge on regardless of how much money we can spare for my reasons stated above.

DS is 10 and a computer games addict. He has asked for all sorts of electronic stuff but actually what he really wants is cuddly toys...

I am always being told that"everyone" has this that and the other. On cross examination it turns out to be one or two kids.

In our house you get. A handme down or cheap phone when you go to school on your own.

Dont assume that gaming has no educational value and that allowing say an xbox is the step onto a slippery slope of bad parenting decisions.

We have always been careful about which games DS (now 16) is allowed to have. I have also got advice here from MN when I have had questions about this game or that.

I remember DS using minecraft for a History project. The class had been set an exercise to build a model of a first world war trench. DS built his using minecraft which meant that you could actually explore the trench at ground level.

It isnt all bad and if/when you do decide to give a games console it isnt a one way street to hell in a handcart!

To the p&p that asked about technology stunting development, I'm not sure this is the place for debate but DS has had an iPad since he was 3.5 and an I pod since he was 2. He's nearly 5 1/2 now and is on gold band books and is a prolific reader. He's doing the library reading challenge and has 5 books to add to his chart this week and that's on top of having read 5 school books and a couple of his own books. He has a vivid imagination and never forgets anything (even if you want him to!). His maths is more average but he actually has apps to help him with this. It's just about using the technology carefully.

When DS was 12 and DGS 10 they asked for I pads so the family put together and bought them. We also bought one for DGS 6 as we thought he would feel left out. DGS constantly amazes me with his technological skills but is also a prolific reader and loves to sit and read to me

peso anecdotal evidence is meaningless.

There is some interesting research about how screens affect production of dopamine in the brain and can lead to development and health problems. Some experts advise no screens at all for very young children and limited use for older children.

There seems to be justification for buying iPads for educational reasons. Even if a child is very bright, if you use your imagination there are countless of other ways to stimulate their intellect in non screen based ways.