Sigh - the usual problem with ILs and Xmas

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I post on this topic every year so just a rant really. Until my DC were 8 & 6 we always went to the PIL for Xmas (I don't have much family of my own left). Me and DH were keen to do Xmas for the DC at home (with ILs invited to us instead, not being left out) before then but ILs (PIL and SIL) kicked up a fuss. Basically PIL want to still be the hosts and their house the centre of things and SIL wants to be "home" at Xmas. But 2009 after lots of melodrama from them we did start to alternate. So this year is their turn.

However DC, now 8 and 10 want to stay at home and me and DH, only ever having done Xmas twice are keen to stay at home also to do the day for the kids our way before they get too old. Last week my DD asked my MIL if she would come and have Xmas with us, she said "oh, but you are coming to us". I said I think the DC would like to be at home. My DS said "Nana we can't come to you because we have got rabbits now".

No more said, but yesterday we went to their house and PIL have bought a second hand rabbit hutch! They are obviously going to try to blow any rabbit related excuses out of the water.

PIl have done Xmas, apart from our 2 recent turns for about 35 years. They got to do it for their DC while they were growing up, is it unreasonable for me and DH to want to do the same for ours?

MistressIggle

I have a (almost) 7 year old who has never had a Christmas at home (or a Christmas Eve for that matter, as it's always spent on the sodding M4/M5/M25).
Next year we will have Christmas at home (and I might be tempted to keep it that way). Parents (ours) will be invited to join us if they wish.

He is away on an over night trip related to a sport he does. Hence I am MNing and drinking , bliss! They will definitely call to find out how the trip went so have pointed out he can ask them then. If MIL has booked turkey am happy to eat it at hers on boxing day.

owedtoautumn, I have spent 13 out of the last 15 xmases at PILs. They have used up their turns a long time ago!

owedtoautumn I have spent 13 out of the last 15 xmases at ILs. They have run out of turns!

Sorry, your OP states that this year is their turn. I thought you meant this was what had been agreed, when you were finally "allowed" to host Christmas, that you would do it turn and turn about.

If that's not the case, then I agree with getting DP to make the call, but not if he puts the blame on you. It has to we "we want to spend Christmas at home - please join us" and not "Kamer won't come, sorry."

We did say that originally, had 2009 at ours, 2010 at theirs, at which DH says he told MIl we would stay at home from that point on. I wish I had just called myself weeks ago but am just so furious with DH for being so pathetic.

Kamer, just explain to them that as your children are getting older, they now have commitments which means you will be doing Xmas chez Kamer. Of course, they are welcome to join you, it is an open invite but this is now the way it will be for some years to come.

When I was a child we spent Christmas at home with our parents. On the couple of times when we went to my GPs my mother spent her time bitching about them. Now she goes mental every year because I want to spent Christmas at home with my DCs...

Watching with interest. My family love abroad, but the in laws are ten mins away. We see them a little too much already. I've said they can come around for brunch, but we're having christmas at home. It's not gone down well. It seems Christmas isn't Christmas without some emotional blackmail.

It makes me :( and that so many people get railroaded into doing things they don't want to just because it is Xmas!

People should be able to celebrate (or not!) however they want, but nobody should be forced or bribed to go somewhere they don't want to go.

Update from OP: DH has just had the conversation with his parents. They turned down the invitation, said they would do their own xmas day, just them, SIL and MIL's cousin. I was pretty surprised actually as didn't think they would miss out on spending day with DC and was bit worried that DH would be upset. But he says no, it will be really relaxing just the 4 of us .

yay! all's well that ends well!

Woohoo! Well done you both.

They're cutting off their noses, aren't they? Either that or you'll get to them on Boxing Day and find the entire day is a complete replica of Christmas Day.

lol at Christmas isn't Christmas without some emotional blackmail. So true!

Good news! I dare say if they'd agreed to come to you, they'd spend the day being grumpy anyway. So you're better off on your own.

Any reaction from SIL yet? Do you think they are genuinely ok with this, or was it more of a "fine then if you don't want to come here then you don't get to see us at all" sort of flouncing? (Not that it's really your problem)

Glad it has worked out for you. Lets hope you aren't on here next Christmas with the same problem, given MIL's tendency to 'forget' what has been arranged she may assume you will be going there again next Christmas.

When DH spoke to PIL, there was no mention of Boxing Day, just no we won't come to you. Me and DH thought about what would work for us and I phoned MIL back and said we would go to their's Xmas evening for tea. At first she said very hopeful "shall I put the Xmas lunch until then" but I said quite firmly that we would have already have had our own Xmas lunch. We will probably stay over and then leave late morning to have relaxing Boxing Day at home rather than Xmas day mark 2 at ILs.

Me & DH both happy that we will spend the majority of Xmas day and Boxing Day at home doing our own Xmas for the DC. DC will get plenty of time at home with new toys but still get to spend time with GP. GP won't get to spend as much time with DGC as if they had accepted invitation to spend Xmas day with us but that's their choice so don't feel bad about it. Who know's what SIL will make of it but not too bothered .

Also am pleased that we have got out of the rigid "turns" business and can decide what is best for our family on a yearly basis. If every year that happens to be staying at home, that's what we will do.

Got there in the end. Thanks for all the advice.

Sounds like a good compromise :)

Kamer, as SIL will be having her Christmas lunch at her parents, as she always seems to, I don't think she has anything to complain about.

I did wonder though, if FIL has 'encouraged' MIL to take things a bit easier after her medical treatment.