Sigh - the usual problem with ILs and Xmas

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I post on this topic every year so just a rant really. Until my DC were 8 & 6 we always went to the PIL for Xmas (I don't have much family of my own left). Me and DH were keen to do Xmas for the DC at home (with ILs invited to us instead, not being left out) before then but ILs (PIL and SIL) kicked up a fuss. Basically PIL want to still be the hosts and their house the centre of things and SIL wants to be "home" at Xmas. But 2009 after lots of melodrama from them we did start to alternate. So this year is their turn.

However DC, now 8 and 10 want to stay at home and me and DH, only ever having done Xmas twice are keen to stay at home also to do the day for the kids our way before they get too old. Last week my DD asked my MIL if she would come and have Xmas with us, she said "oh, but you are coming to us". I said I think the DC would like to be at home. My DS said "Nana we can't come to you because we have got rabbits now".

No more said, but yesterday we went to their house and PIL have bought a second hand rabbit hutch! They are obviously going to try to blow any rabbit related excuses out of the water.

PIl have done Xmas, apart from our 2 recent turns for about 35 years. They got to do it for their DC while they were growing up, is it unreasonable for me and DH to want to do the same for ours?

See, it's not just the PILS, they've got SIL insisting on having Christmas at 'home' i.e. PILS. If I'm right she caused a real ruck last year and the OP was guilted into going there to try and keep the peace. If it was just the PILS to persuade it might be a bit easier.

Although, if PILS and SIL want to have Christmas day at the PILS home, they can keep each other company!

YANBU. Especially as your kids are older now, it's so important that their memories of Christmas are exactly as you want them to be - what matters to your little family not the bigger family.

We are currently being guilt-tripped by DH's family who have 'always' done Christmas a week early due to his sister living overseas (she has been back in UK for 3 years now). I don't want my children to celebrate christmas day twice - they do actually pretend it is christmas day, full dinner, Santa visiting, all presents opened etc. I think this will confuse the heck out of DD (3) and spoil all the excitement of the actual christmas day. Apparently I am being unreasonable for thinking this!

I'd have a word directly with Sil and explain loudly that she's an adult (I'm assuming) and your DCs also want Christmas at home and that she should get over it. I feel a bit sorry for your Pils if they are finding themselves stuck in the middle otherwise I'd just get on with it now. As DCs we had a real mix of staying at home with family going to different sets of GPs or Aunts and Uncles. Always doing the same is lovely in some ways and a right pita if people take the hump about doing something new.
Bite the bullet and stick to your guns this year and it will be easier next year, otherwise you'll have the same dilemma every year for ever.

Mungojerrie that's the weirdest set-up I've heard of yet! They keep doing this even though no-one lives overseas anymore? You must opt out of this, very confusing for your children. And a bit bonkers.

Mungojerrie - I'd just not go. Invite them for Christmas day.

OP - sorry if I'm misunderstanding but you said in your first post that you were alternating and this year is 'their' year. But in a subsequent post you said that they did Christmas in 2011. So are they wanting two years in a row? Isn't it your 'turn' anyway?

Girlywhirly, Yes, remember you posting on my threads about this in previous years and yes SIL is definately a big part of the problem. She lives near to PIL (with imo her long suffering DP) and sees them all the time and is uber close. Her DP is from another country so always goes to visit his family at xmas. Despite being nearly 40 she still sees her parents home as her "real home" and loved doing xmas with her parents the way she has since she was 5 or whatever. So she and PIL reinforce each other.

I think also it is far more difficult for MIL to give over the xmas day hostess role to a DIL rather than a DD.

And there is definately a mindset for PIL that we (as in DH, me and DC) are a young family just starting out and they are still the main parents with the settled home if that makes sense? Whereas actually they are pushing 70 and me and DH are in our 40s, longtime married, junior school age kids and on our 3rd house! One of their comments in previous years has been that in wanting host xmas day we had made them feel "old and past it".

So loads going on behind arrangements for where various people spend one day of the year. It is daft because we get on the rest of the time and rarely have any IL "issues". It is only xmas and the occasional big family occasion where there is any problem. Our only big bust up was over me refusing to get married in church (DH would have given in as wasn't bothered either way). MIL did the whole emotional blackmail number "oh, I won't enjoy the day at all" and then when that didn't work just went frosty and refused to take any interest. I had the last laugh on that one as SIL has never married so MIL cut her nose off to spite her face as she missed out on enjoying her only DC's wedding...

But I digress!

DawnOfTheDee, my mistake, they last did xmas 2010 and it was around then that DH told MIL that we would come to them that year but it would be the last. However as I said up thread, she has form for "not hearing" inconvenient information. For example a while ago they invited us all on a minibreak which was very generous of them but for various reasons we didn't want to go and would not be going. DH definately told them this a number of times as I heard him on the phone on some of the occasions but MIL really wanted us to join them so she kept on going on about whether we were going. It got a bit surreal!

Well then it's decided, you're not going there. So you need to stick to your guns, go with phoning her (you could do it today!) saying you're about to place the turkey order, and are PIL and SIL coming to you or staying at their house so you know what size to order? If she starts talking about you coming to them, fain surprise, saying that you thought your DH had been clear that 2010 was the last time you'd all be coming over and that this year you're staying at home, but of course happy to host everyone. Make it clear the choice is between Christmas without you and the DCs or Christmas at your house, Christmas at her house isn't happening.

I'd tell her you're goign to order a turkey big enough for everyone anyway as it'll be easier to have left overs than to not get one...

Slightly odd that SIL pushing 40 doesn't want to spend Christmas with her DP...

Kamer, as a grown woman you should never have to write "I remember you posting on my threads about this in previous years " - how long has this gone on for? It seems you have full Mumsnet permission to just say no!

I get it, I do, I feel the same, I'm going to ILs this year when I'd rather be at home too, BUT...

I can't help but feel a bit sorry for them. They obviously enjoy hosting, have agreed to alternate and then 2 years later you renege on that. If I was them I'd be a bit gutted to be honest. I'm just imagining being told I can never do Christmas for my family again. Sorry to go against the grain here...

Iheart, presumably the il have had numerous years of hosting.

No, Thistle, see sense!

The OP's MIL has hosted Christmas all of her married life.

The OP has hosted Christmas TWICE, despite being in her forties.

Christmas has to change as you get older and ILs have to take on New Year, Boxing Day etc instead.

Yes, we are happy to go on Boxing Day or whenever and let ILs do their full xmas routine (minus presents, although nothing to stop them keeping a couple of things back for the DC if they so wish) and be very appreciative of it. This is what they have done on the two occasions we "stole" xmas day itself from them. They also do a big lunch on new years day.

DH will phone next week. MIL is having some (routine) medical treatment this week and I don't want her to be able to pull the "I'm not well and you are upsetting me card".

DontmindifIdo, I think it's odd too. I had the impression that SIL is very emotionally immature and is clinging to her 'real' home and Christmas as a panacea for something that is missing from her life. But lucky DP, who gets a nice break from SIL!

I think you should stick to your plan of Christmas in your own home, especially as it is a unanimous one, stick to the broken record technique of repeating it to the PIL and refuse to budge. Ultimately, the only people who will suffer for not accepting your kind invitation to join you will be them.

I know. I can totally see it, especially given the ages of the DC. If I was the OP I would want to stay home too.

I guess I can just see both sides.

But I think they only agreed to the taking turns because they were bullied and emotionally blackmailed into it by the PIL and SIL. I think they were just trying to keep the peace at the time.

I'm the opposite to you at the moment, DH would like Christmas at home, but I want to go to my DPs. Theoretically I'd love to host Christmas, but our house is puny so we wouldn't be able to have anyone over, and the DC are 3 and 1, so the more people to entertain them the better!

Unfortunately I had to negotiate with DH, and we are now going to his parent's for lunch and mine for dinner . Like in the Vicar of Dibley. I can see me wanting to be based at home as the kids get older, but we are hopefully moving next year, and will definitely be hosting it. Probably. Maybe. If I can afford a turkey!

Girlywhirly -to be fair I didn't mind agreeing to the taking turns thing at the time, three years ago, 2009, but by the next year DH and I regretted it but it seemed too harsh to say we will take turns and then the very next year say no we are staying at home for the forseeable so we agreed (DH and I) that we would go to them 2010 but that would be the last time. DH says he told MIL that and I believe him. Problem is MIL has conveniently "forgotten".

OP: To be honest, I think you should put your collective foot down and not go.

Besides, Christmas is for children, yes? The children want to have Christmas at home.

Just say you are not going to them and if they have a problem with that then it is their problem not yours

Kamer, has your DH explained to MIL that she has done Christmas day at her house for 35 yrs and that your own DC have only experienced it twice in their own home? And now have their own opinions of where they want to spend the day, (probably their own ideas of how to spend it too!)

I agree, just tell them you will be spending Christmas day at home. You don't need any excuses, rabbit-related or otherwise. You don't need to hint 'I think the DC would like...' etc. Just tell them what you're doing.

Update from OP, had another talk with DH, all agreed. We are home for xmas day and he will talk to MIL. He has still not done so and is putting it off as knows will be a difficult conversation . Should i call her myself or carry on nagging DH, my blood pressure rising by the day?