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Christmas

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Original poster

Sigh - the usual problem with ILs and Xmas

93 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 22/10/2012 10:28

I post on this topic every year so just a rant really. Until my DC were 8 & 6 we always went to the PIL for Xmas (I don't have much family of my own left). Me and DH were keen to do Xmas for the DC at home (with ILs invited to us instead, not being left out) before then but ILs (PIL and SIL) kicked up a fuss. Basically PIL want to still be the hosts and their house the centre of things and SIL wants to be "home" at Xmas. But 2009 after lots of melodrama from them we did start to alternate. So this year is their turn.

However DC, now 8 and 10 want to stay at home and me and DH, only ever having done Xmas twice are keen to stay at home also to do the day for the kids our way before they get too old. Last week my DD asked my MIL if she would come and have Xmas with us, she said "oh, but you are coming to us". I said I think the DC would like to be at home. My DS said "Nana we can't come to you because we have got rabbits now".

No more said, but yesterday we went to their house and PIL have bought a second hand rabbit hutch! They are obviously going to try to blow any rabbit related excuses out of the waterGrin.

PIl have done Xmas, apart from our 2 recent turns for about 35 years. They got to do it for their DC while they were growing up, is it unreasonable for me and DH to want to do the same for ours?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/11/2012 09:01

Don't see why i should be the bad guy when it is DH's parents?

OP posts:
DoodleAlley · 06/11/2012 09:16

I understand about not being the bad guy but make sure the message is clear. Perhaps you could back up the message after DH has told his mother.

And congrats for standing your ground. My parents are relaxed about the hosting thing but DM drives me crazy by buying sticking presents for DH each year despite the fact she got however many years of doing mine. I let her do DS completely last year as a one off but am putting my foot down this year. Any tat stocking presents will have to go under the tree.

Not the same but intended to be an encouragement!

fuzzpig · 06/11/2012 11:11

Tell your DH to grow a pair. :)

DontmindifIdo · 06/11/2012 11:25

Point out to your DH that your MIL will order her turkey shortly, if he leaves it any later then she'll be guilt tripping him by saying she's already got all this food paid for and noone to eat it...

girlywhirly · 06/11/2012 12:33

I think you should be there while he makes the call, to make sure that he does it, although silent throughout.

The simple explanation is that you all as a family would like to spend Christmas day at home. The DC would like to celebrate in their own home because they have only done this a very few times, and they want to do as DH himself did as a child.

DH can sweeten the pill by saying that you will all see them on Boxing Day or whenever is convenient. If MIL keeps on calling to try to change your minds, just repeat 'we are staying at home on Christmas Day, MIL, as DH told you' like a broken record.

Of course mean as it sounds, you/DH could resort to a little emotional blackmail of your own if she really makes a fuss. 'I'm sorry you feel that way, MIL, but if you persist in trying to make us come we may have to reconsider coming on Boxing Day. We don't want the DC Christmas ruined by an unpleasant atmosphere.' You could add if they mention how upset SIL will be, that SIL doesn't get to dictate where you spend Christmas, and isn't it about time she grew up and started to consider others wishes?

The question is, will the PIL and SIL concede and come to you, or will they sulk at home?

Anothercerealnamechanger · 06/11/2012 12:43

Things have come to head in my family as well. My 'D'M objects and pushes until she gets what she wants, but so subtlety she sits back until we are all in position and then smiles sweetly at having won.

This year is the first year DH have our own home owned together, with little DD whereas before we were renting or in my tiny 2up/2down so rather than get involved in the festive fighting I have suggested to DH that we simply ask people if they would like to come to us and if not we'll stay in our PJs all morning, have a fab roast pork with our favourite (we all love roast pork) and then go out and visit family in the afternoon. There are too many of us this year to all eat round anyones table so we have to be in smaller groups, and the older generation need to recognise that the role of hosting has moved on.

I asked politely 2 weeks ago what people were thinking of doing this year and got bitchslapped so I guess we'll just do our own thing Grin

Anothercerealnamechanger · 06/11/2012 12:44

And I like DontmindifIdo s point as well, blame it on the turkey!!!

kerala · 06/11/2012 12:52

Y are so NBU. They have had their turn while their kids growing up. My parents couldnt agree quickly enough to come to ours (my two sisters and families also coming). They were thrilled to hand over the mantle of hosts!

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/11/2012 13:03

I don't think if it came to it PIL would stay at home on own and miss spending the day with their only DGC but i can forsee weeks of awkward silences re xmas punctuated by the occasional emotional appeal, SIL on behalf of PIL & vice versa!

OP posts:
Violet77 · 06/11/2012 13:13

If i was you i would be sitting back firm in the knowledge your husband has agreed and your not going.

It's now his problem. I would just mention to him the turkey ordering and that the dissapointment will only be harder the longer he leaves it.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/11/2012 13:19

Stick to your guns and stay at home, you are giving them the option of coming to yours or having you over on Boxing day and thats very fair. ds(8) has had the last couple of Xmas's at home and we enjoy the day so much more as he had his presents around him to play with (he is the youngest and most of his cousins are adults now so don't have toys).

we are happy to go on Boxing Day or whenever and let ILs do their full xmas routine (minus presents, although nothing to stop them keeping a couple of things back for the DC if they so wish)

Do you mean give their presents to be opened on Xmas morning when they are not there, but keep a couple back til boxing day? If yes, I think that is very unfair on PIL and SIL. They should keep ALL the presents they have choosen for your dc until they get a chance to enjoy seeing the kids opening them.

Your dc are old enough to understand this and it gives them time to appreciate your presents to them on Xmas day before getting more.

girlywhirly · 06/11/2012 13:40

Kamer, don't give in to the 'emotional appeals' and don't let DH either. The bottom line is they are welcome to join you or not, end of. No more discussion required. Refuse to engage in any more discussions on Christmas, change the subject. Avoid visiting them if necessary!

kerala · 06/11/2012 14:35

We had ILs for Christmas two years ago - it culminated in An Incident so bad Christmas plans are now never discussed and they have moved abroad. Phew the relief.

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/11/2012 15:14

weallhavewings, i meant that if PIL came to us on xmas day and then we went to them on boxing day they might want to keep some pressies back to make "their" day seem more xmassy. If we didn't see them on xmas day then the DC wouldn't get any GP pressies til we met up.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 06/11/2012 15:55

Kerala my curiosity has been piqued by your post!

I can't imagine that this Xmas will be perfect OP. You are definitely doing the right thing, but I think you will get the sulks from PIL whether they come or not. But hopefully after this year they will get the message.

ProbablyJustGas · 06/11/2012 15:57

I remember going to grandparents' houses on Xmas day growing up. Usually one set of grandparents for Xmas day and dinner, and the other set later on in the week - so Christmas lasted for several days in my family. But sometimes, we would host Xmas dinner. And sometimes it would be one of the aunts or uncles hosting and we'd travel to their house. The Grandfolks' houses tended to be the biggest when we were little, though. More practical to host big gatherings.

DH and I have yet to host a Christmas dinner, but our house is much smaller than SIL's. We've hosted other large family feasts and it's a tight squeeze. Also, my parents are in another country and can't afford to travel as much (1/2 the vacation time, whacked by exchange rate, etc). So, I don't particularly mind travelling. The holidays are my chance to actually see my folks.

That said, DH and I do insist on Xmas Eve together as a family in our own home and also Xmas morning. We don't show up at SIL's Xmas dinner until the afternoon, and last year we turned down SILs Xmas Eve drinks invitation because we wanted some time with DSD before the madness.

I don't think travelling to relatives at the holidays is such a big deal, but I do think you've got to be comfortable with your arrangements.

Maybe you can flip a coin? Grin

fuzzpig · 06/11/2012 16:01

I really can't envisage being so doggedly determined to retain my Christmas Queen status as I get older. I had my DCs young, so DH and I are well used to the whole Xmas-in-our-house thing (my parents don't really care about Xmas anyway so aren't bothered by us going it alone on the 25th - we host them on another day), I'm now 25.

2 of my best friends got married this year, they're a bit younger than me and no DCs yet. They are hosting their families at Xmas for the first time in their flat. Just hearing them talk about how excited they are gives me the warm 'n' fuzzies! I would never want to take that away from my own children when they're in their own homes.

ProbablyJustGas · 06/11/2012 16:01

Oh sorry, also meant to say - in both my own family and DH's family, these big feasts are very much pot luck. My grandmas still host Christmas at theirs once in awhile in their 80s, but none of us would dream of letting them do much (if any) of the work. Someone is cooking the meat, another has brought vegetables, another has taken care of dessert, and two or three more are on clean up duty.

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 06/11/2012 20:57

Fuzzpig I have already made a mental note to self to hand over Xmas queen hat gracefully when my DC are grown and hopefully want to do Xmas at home for their DC.

Kerala I am very nosy about your bad Xmas incident also!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 09/11/2012 12:52

Kamer, any progress with telling the ILS you're staying put for Christmas?

Astelia · 09/11/2012 15:02

Kerala I am also very interested in what happened- can you tell the story?

OP- any news? Has DH spoken to his DM yet?

Original poster
Flyonthewindscreen · 09/11/2012 21:39

No he has not Angry. I gave him a bollocking my thoughts on the issue again on Wednesday night. He said he would definitely do it soon but has he. He has not. I had to phone the PIL about something else today and was going to ask MIL myself and then text DH "have done your dirty work for you wuss boy!" but she was out. He is "trying to find the right moment".

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2012 21:41

So, why not right this minute? Hand him the phone now.

DontmindifIdo · 09/11/2012 21:41

Point out if he leaves it any longer she'll have bought her turkey....

OwedToAutumn · 09/11/2012 21:45

It's their turn? So let them do it. Next year will be your turn, and your DC will still be young enough to enjoy it.