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Original poster

DH and I disagree over present for PITA mum (long, sorry)

67 replies

ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:43

My mother is a nightmare about presents.

She always says "I don't need a present", "really, I don't want you to spend your money on me" etc, but if you fail to deliver an expensive, tasteful present you are nothing to her.

Two years ago she refused to speak to me for 2 weeks after Christmas and just about managed to spit out Merry Christmas over the phone on the day itself. I'd given her and Dad a joint present of six santons, which she had asked for. DH is from Provence, and she'd seen our little collection of them and asked for some. I also gave Dad a book and as it's impossible to buy her a cheap present I just got her a little Bonne Maman jam set, with little china jam bowls and spoons; it wasn't much, but it was cute and perfect for their holiday cottage. She decided it wasn't good enough, and I was muck. Dad had a go at me later about how I should have known better and I'd ruined everyone's Christmas because she'd been sulky with him and my brother because of it as well.

The santons, by the way, cost over 60 euros, so it wasn't like I'd not spent any money on her. And she bloody asked for them. I was fuming.

Anyway, since then I have towed the party line and she has had Chanel perfume, Radley sandals, Radley pencil case plus cute stationary (Mother's day, wouldn't get away with that for B'day or Xmas), jewellery from her favourite silversmith... you get the idea.

She still wants bloody santons every Christmas though. So last year she got them, plus a gift.

This year DH and I have just bought a house. DS is 14 months, and DC2 is coming in April. She's made a big song and dance about not spending much on her (she no longer says no gifts, after her family finally gave in after she went on and on about it for her 50th. And then spent months bitching about how selfish they were not to have got her anything).

We already bought some santons when we were in Provence in the summer. Again, over 60 euros worth. We always give them as a joint present, but really they're for mum as she wants them and dad couldn't care less. He's happy with a £20 amazon voucher.

I also have a giant box of Guylian chocolates (which mum loves), worth £25 quid, but that I got on offer.

DH thinks I should just give them the santons and the chocs and leave it at that. I kind of agree with him, except that I can't bear the misery and guilt tripping that will follow. She's already dropping hints about the kind of wonderful things my brother had bought for them, designer, rare, arty etc.

So I don't really know what to do. We can't really afford to spend loads more on her. Most of the santons I got for her we already have, so it's not like I can reduce the number and then spend the leftover cash. Plus we'd never have spent that on ourselves.

I'm already in the doghouse after my brother bought them a wedding anniversary present and I didn't. (27 years, so not a massive milestone) We couldn't afford to buy each other anniversary presents this year, so I wasn't going to buy my parents one.

I also feel very guilty because we spend nothing like that amount on DH's parents. His mum is getting £15 box of teas from Whittards and his dad will get whisky from Sainsbury's when it's on offer £15-20. And they'll be really happy with that. DH is nice about it, because he knows my mother is a nightmare about them and would rather we didn't cause a war, but it's a bit shit.

Sorry, this has turned into a huge rant so thank you if you've kept reading. What would you do? Leave it as the santons and chocs, or add in something else to keep the peace?

Thanks!

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Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:44

Oh god, now I've posted that it's huge Blush Blush This is a huge issue of resentment and stress for me, you can probably tell Blush

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LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2011 11:47

I'd give her nothing.

Why would you 'keep the peace' with someone so passive aggressive?

Who the actual fuck wants to live like that?

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2011 11:47

Next time on the phone when she says 'don't buy me a present' - record it and play it back to her.

CupAndSorcery · 07/12/2011 11:52

here

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:52

Yes but that's sort of what I did the year I got her the jam set (plus santons, which nobody ever remembers) and it backfired spectacularly.

I don't want to live like this. The problem is my brother is aggressive too, so if I cause trouble with my mum I'll have him sending me texts, phoning me up telling me I'm selfish and unreasonable and telling me I have to sort it out as I'm affecting his life with it, and so on. It's a total fucking nightmare.

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Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:53

Love it CupAndSorcery - do you think I need to get actual coal, or can I just email the link?

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addictediam · 07/12/2011 11:54

I'd give her what you have and call her an ungreatful cow if she dares complain!

coppertop · 07/12/2011 11:56

If she's going to complain anyway, then just get her something cheap and cheerful, block your brother's phone number and relax.

She only gets away with this behaviour because people let her.

Pootles2010 · 07/12/2011 11:57

Well.... I think you should just give her what you've gotten her, as it's lovely present and she's a pita. However. My mil is just like this, and I spend loads to keep the peace. Total coward, I know, but it makes Christmas nicer so....

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:58

DH says if she gets arsey I should actually say, "do you have any idea how much I've spent on your fucking nativity figures? You got what you wanted, stop being an ungrateful bitch". I'd love to, and then I'd die a slow, horrible death at the hands of my family. Except her sisters who would probably applaud.

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PontyMython · 07/12/2011 12:05

I bet if you ever complained about a present - or at least didn't fall over yourself to thank her - you'd get a right bollocking from her! Although you probably wouldn't dare... Am I right?

She sounds horrible, what is she like the rest of the time?

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:13

There has to be huge amounts of gratitude, yes. It's never occurred to me to complain. To be fair, she is extremely generous about giving us presents, but I also believe that that is because she likes us to be indebted grateful and be the hero, rather than because she's generous iyswim.

I've posted on here before about her being a total nightmare in loads of other ways. She's very precious and (as much as it's overused on here) she does fulfil the NPD criteria rather beautifully.

I'm just clinging on to the fact that in a couple of years we're moving to France and will be able to reduce contact dramatically.

On the other hand her hero/martyr complex, combined with the fact that she loves DS, has been really helpful with me having a nightmare pregnancy. So I'm trying not to complain too much at the moment.

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ObiWanWithBellsOn · 07/12/2011 12:14

Really, you have towed the line with gifts over the years, and neither you nor your mother are happy.

I would just refuse to buy anything, or if you must, just buy a token gift. If your entire family are able to keep nagging and calling about it over the next year, you will become immune to it, and be able to laugh at their childishness.

If you give in now, you will be living with this Christmas misery for the rest of your life, your mother and family will not just change.

Can you imagine how your children will feel when their carefully thought out presents to your mother are thrown back at them? Because it will happen, maybe not until they are 10 or 12, but at some point you mother will decide that they should know better than to present her with 'tat'.

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:16

She did it to us when we were about 9/10 and yes, it was hideous.

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SoupDragon · 07/12/2011 12:22

i would make it clear in advance to everyone that you have had to cut back o Christmas this year because of the house and the new baby.

I would then make it clear to your father that you mean it and have got her the santons and the chocolates and that is it and ask him nicely to back you up on it because you really can't afford it this year.

SoupDragon · 07/12/2011 12:23

And if that fails, tell her to stop behaving like a spoilt brat.

Drowningnotwaving · 07/12/2011 12:24

my mother is very similar. She insisted on very expensive presents for her birthday and Christmas, and an expensive present, flowers and meal for mother's day. it was getting ridiculous. So I just stopped! If she sulks I ignore her. You do have to have a thick skin to do that though - for me it just got too much. mine has never forgiven me for the time when I didn't send her a mother's day card (20 years ago!). I don't get anything other than cards from my own dc for mother's day!

she still asks for things like sat nav, ipods, etc for presents, but I can't afford those, so she just doesn't get them. one of my sisters does toe the line (but she's in a very very well paid job), and my other sister never has, but my mother doesn't seem to mind what she gets from her.

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:26

Actually that's a good idea SoupDragon. I have told her that we're cutting back, no presents for adults agreement with DH's brothers and their wives, but I might keep saying it and mention it to dad as well.

And then yes, just tell them to grow up if they complain.

But I was going to give it to them as a joint present, do you think that's unreasonable?

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Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:28

Thanks Drowning I think I do need to toughen up.

Mother's Day is something that pisses me off enormously. I always get her a card, present and flowers, and then she always moans to everyone that she never gets anything for M'sD Angry She's such a liar.

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Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:29

And she knows DH and I aren't getting each other presents this year...

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HappyCamel · 07/12/2011 12:33

I think I'd phone your brother and your mum and dad and say you simply cant afford to spend much this year, that you've set a ceiling of £x and you hope they understand that you need to prioritise household bills and your dc.

Then broken record on Christmas day etc "I'd love to have got you more but we simply can't afford it" and repeat ad nauseum every time anyone has the cheek to complain.

AnnaBegins · 07/12/2011 12:35

Oh my mother is so similar, she claims to be completely un-materialistic but gets so angry if I don't spend lots on her!

Examples - as a broke student I got her a combined birthday and mothers' day present (same week, saw her that weekend) and she refused to speak to me; one mothers' day as a 6th former with no income I made a little voucher saying I would do all her chores for the day and was shouted at for being selfish, my sister spent £5 on chocolate and was wonder-child; and last Christmas (still a broke student) I did a hamper for my parents including lots of homemade goodies and a nice bottle of wine, which was met with distinctly unimpressed looks and not eaten.

So, like you, this year I have toed the party line and bought her a range of presents which she has asked for, spending more on her than on anyone else. So I have no advice as I have no idea what to do for the best either, just lots of sympathy and happy thoughts that you are the bigger person and the more mature one. Sorry, I know that doesn't help practically!

I think the santons would be a great joint present!

HappyCamel · 07/12/2011 12:40

You aren't getting DH anything but you are buying for your mother. My God you have a saint of a DH and you are a doormat.

Sorry, you lost my sympathy at that point, my DH does this, bends over backwards for his bullying and ungrateful father but puts in v little effort in for me even though I do everything for him and love him to bits. It hurts me deeply and sometimes I have a little cry that even though I know he loves me I don't understand how his dad can possibly be worth more effort than me. Every time it happens he loses a bit more trust and respect from me.

Don't let your actions damage your marriage.

mrstiredandconfused · 07/12/2011 12:41

Fucking hell what a spoiled brat she is! Don't give in, if it makes it easier then tell her not to spend much on you/dh but don't relent. To be arsey to a 9/10 yo is unforgivable imho, you need to break this cycle. And turn off your phone/ take the landline off the hook - then she can stew in her own juice and won't ruin your day.

Original poster
ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 12:43

DH isn't getting me anything either. And we're buying presents for his parents, sister and 3 nieces and nephew. My parents and brother.

We'd rather buy presents for other people than ourselves, we made that decision together.

I don't see why he's the saint and I'm the doormat when we're doing the same thing. But thanks anyway.

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