DH and I disagree over present for PITA mum (long, sorry)

[ImpYCelynAndTheIvy]

My mother is a nightmare about presents.

She always says "I don't need a present", "really, I don't want you to spend your money on me" etc, but if you fail to deliver an expensive, tasteful present you are nothing to her.

Two years ago she refused to speak to me for 2 weeks after Christmas and just about managed to spit out Merry Christmas over the phone on the day itself. I'd given her and Dad a joint present of six santons, which she had asked for. DH is from Provence, and she'd seen our little collection of them and asked for some. I also gave Dad a book and as it's impossible to buy her a cheap present I just got her a little Bonne Maman jam set, with little china jam bowls and spoons; it wasn't much, but it was cute and perfect for their holiday cottage. She decided it wasn't good enough, and I was muck. Dad had a go at me later about how I should have known better and I'd ruined everyone's Christmas because she'd been sulky with him and my brother because of it as well.

The santons, by the way, cost over 60 euros, so it wasn't like I'd not spent any money on her. And she bloody asked for them. I was fuming.

Anyway, since then I have towed the party line and she has had Chanel perfume, Radley sandals, Radley pencil case plus cute stationary (Mother's day, wouldn't get away with that for B'day or Xmas), jewellery from her favourite silversmith... you get the idea.

She still wants bloody santons every Christmas though. So last year she got them, plus a gift.

This year DH and I have just bought a house. DS is 14 months, and DC2 is coming in April. She's made a big song and dance about not spending much on her (she no longer says no gifts, after her family finally gave in after she went on and on about it for her 50th. And then spent months bitching about how selfish they were not to have got her anything).

We already bought some santons when we were in Provence in the summer. Again, over 60 euros worth. We always give them as a joint present, but really they're for mum as she wants them and dad couldn't care less. He's happy with a £20 amazon voucher.

I also have a giant box of Guylian chocolates (which mum loves), worth £25 quid, but that I got on offer.

DH thinks I should just give them the santons and the chocs and leave it at that. I kind of agree with him, except that I can't bear the misery and guilt tripping that will follow. She's already dropping hints about the kind of wonderful things my brother had bought for them, designer, rare, arty etc.

So I don't really know what to do. We can't really afford to spend loads more on her. Most of the santons I got for her we already have, so it's not like I can reduce the number and then spend the leftover cash. Plus we'd never have spent that on ourselves.

I'm already in the doghouse after my brother bought them a wedding anniversary present and I didn't. (27 years, so not a massive milestone) We couldn't afford to buy each other anniversary presents this year, so I wasn't going to buy my parents one.

I also feel very guilty because we spend nothing like that amount on DH's parents. His mum is getting £15 box of teas from Whittards and his dad will get whisky from Sainsbury's when it's on offer £15-20. And they'll be really happy with that. DH is nice about it, because he knows my mother is a nightmare about them and would rather we didn't cause a war, but it's a bit shit.

Sorry, this has turned into a huge rant so thank you if you've kept reading. What would you do? Leave it as the santons and chocs, or add in something else to keep the peace?

Thanks!

one year we were all broke and decided not to get any adults presents at all. My mother sulked and said that she should be the exception - i.e. all of her children should buy her a present (but that no other adult would get a present, and she wouldn't buy any)!

Why would you want to buy anything for someone so rude and unpleasant?

I was always brought up to say a gracious thank you for all presents, and so was DH, and we have taught our children to do the same. If any of them would ever decide not to speak to someone/shout at them/complain to others about a present, we would regard that as mortifyingly bad behaviour and think seriously about our parenting!!

You say you don't want to cause a row or a nightmare or unpleasantness, but it's your horrible mother doing this! Keeping her 'happy' is making you anxious and stressed, and it has to be said, in her power.

One response is to be grown up about it, and simply announce that from now on, Xmas presents are for children only, and adults will get nothing - and nor will you expect anything except warm thoughts and smiles for yourselves!

What's the worst that can happen with that? No one's gonna get killed. And if your mother decides she is not going to babysit or whatever because of a perfectly sensible decision not to buy presents then that's her loss.

Because if you spent less on her you have enough money for a little present for each other. Just because he's going along with it doesn't mean he really agrees hence his suggestion of calling her an ungrateful bitch. You're putting her demands before each other.

No we're putting what matters to us both first. We like giving presents to other people. We've spent more on his nieces and nephew than we have on her. And will overall spend far more on his family than mine. We split the costs of presents 50/50 and until this year I contributed for his parents, his 2 brothers, their 2 wives, his sister, his grandfather and his nieces and nephew. He contributed to my parents and my brother.

This year we've agreed with his brother and their wives not to buy anything, so that's four people fewer. We're not spending that money on anyone else, or ourselves.

He does actually agree with it, and she is an ungrateful bitch, but she'd be that if we spent £200 on her or £10. We're spending £35 on her. Knocking some of that off will hardly give us anything to spend on each other anyway.

I've already bought presents for his Christmas stocking. I don't have one, and I really will be getting no presents from him because he doesn't think like that. He is not suffering because of this.

Tiktok - I've already suggested to DH that after this Christmas we say we're no longer doing any presents for adults at all, and don't want any. I think we will go ahead with it. However there will be a rebellion from his sister and my brother who don't have children and will therefore feel hard done by. They're the youngest in both families and spoilt.

My mum does this a bit too. I agree with others that pre-warning can help: stress how tight finances are at the mo, how little you're spending on others etc. Any chance of getting your brother & Dad on side? Could you call/email & say you're worried about how she'll take it, but you really don't have the cash at the moment, and could he back you up?
Sadly, I think these things become normal in families and other members just don't see how weird it is....

Alternatively, next year buy something that would be very hard to reliably price (thinking art or similar) & wrap BEAUTIFULLY & then coyly refuse to say where you got it from/how much it cost.

Oh, & I would step away from the Santons as I think she may view them as a 'decoration' and therefore not a gift. She sounds like a nightmare,

Definitely tell everyone in your family that there is no spare cash, your dcs are your priority and your mortgage. Therefore, there will be no presents for adults.

Then, when you give her the santons make great play on how you have no idea how you're going to pay the mortgage and that these are really going to have to be the last unless you win the lottery. Anyway, isn't she a bit old to be worrying about presents? Wouldn't she prefer her gcs to have something? Or would she really prefer her gcs to do without? These questions to be said loudly and pointedly with as many people as poss overhearing.

Tell your brother to butt out. If he wants you to give her a great present to make his life easier then he can pay for it.

I agree with tiktok. Where has she got this sense of entitlement from? With people like this, I always wonder what happened in their childhood.

OP, you say, 'I've already suggested to DH that after this Christmas we say we're no longer doing any presents for adults at all, and don't want any. I think we will go ahead with it.'

You don't sound very determined :)

' However there will be a rebellion from his sister and my brother who don't have children and will therefore feel hard done by. They're the youngest in both families and spoilt.'

They may be the youngest but they are presumably older than five years old? Can they really not cope without a few presents without throwing a strop? Seems like they can't, but the grown up thing for you to do is to cope with their strop by ignoring it!

I know she's your mother but she has no business treating you this way! How dare she?! If I gave my mum something from the pound shop she'd act like it was a diamond!

Every time you give in to keep the peace she gets away with completely unacceptable behaviour! She should be ashamed of herself!!!

Give her the (Lovely!) gifts you've gotten and IGNORE the awful behaviour. If your brother starts on you a nice, firm, FUCK FUCKING OFF and (more importantly) IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS should do the trick!!!

You may have to out drama the drama queens (your Mum, Dad and brother). A preemptive warning is an excellent idea, but your mother has already made it clear that she's not a reasonable person.

When she does throw a tantrum, tell her you expect better behaviour from your toddler. I have no doubt that you do.

I don't think you're a doormat. It can be incredibly difficult to stand up to your parents when they've ground you down - even if in all other aspects of life you are assertive.

The 'no buying for adults' rule sounds great for the future.

Poor you OP, your mother sounds like a nightmare - and I am shocked at your dad and brother having a go at you too. I can totally understand how stressful it must be.

It sounds like you can't really win whatever you do and I agree that no presents for adults is a good way forward. DH and I have agreed to take this approach next year after spending money we don't have - again - on parents and in-laws.

Bollocks to the "your DH is a saint" nonsense. The poster who said that is projecting from her own circs. DH and I only started giving each other presents last year - because the DC thought it was weird that we didn't - and we set a £10 limit. What's the point in big gestures if it's money you literally don't have?

Tiktok - no I know I don't sound it. But if I say no presents for adults in my family DH will want to say none for his either, so I can't just make the decision without him agreeing. Getting him to speak to his brothers this year was a major thing, and they turned out to be really relieved about it. So hopefully next year I can persuade him we should extend it.

I have no idea why she's so entitled, but she always has been. She's the eldest in her family, extended family too, so I think everyone always made a big deal out of her and now she expects it.

As for SIL and B - they are much older than 5, but both my mum and DH's mum will back them up about why they should still get presents and it's not fair if they don't. SIL has never bought anyone a present though so I don't feel bad about her. B will agree to stop for me and DH if we stop for him, but may not want to buy for DS anymore, his choice, I can live with that as well.

I think I'm going to stick with the joint present. Keep reiterating that we're cutting back this year and no one's getting much. And then ignore any bad reactions. Especially my brother who I wish would just leave the fuck alone.

Thanks so much everyone. I knew I shouldn't get her anything else really, but just dread the reactions...

And thanks Ponty and doggie for your last two posts :) I was feeling pretty crap about myself.

DH and I have been really generous to each other in previous years, but this year we kind of feel that buying the house was a present for us and it's more than enough for us.

Stick to your guns.

Out of curosity what does she get you and your DH for Christmas?

We are not giving each other presents either, we are going to London in February as our present, and have a no adult gift policy with one brother and his wife.

Good luck for next year, OP - you have definitely sown the seeds this year, and this is good :)

I suspect that this issue is going to have to be dealt with - however this year is clearly not the year, you are having a nightmare pregnancy, you have a toddler, it is all too much.

Be prepared though, that whatever you do within your means it might not be enough. And if she behaves like a brat, don't let it get to you.

You should NOT be feeling crap about yourself because of her issues.

Thanks!

I think if she does take it badly this year it'll be even easier to say no presents for adults, after all it's surely better to have no present than a substandard one?

And once we have two DCs I think it'll be even easier to convince them that we need the cash etc. So hopefully next year there will not be this hassle.

Thanks again everyone :)

Honestly I can't believe people behave like this.

It is disgusting.

Hope you find the strength to tell her to get fucked.

I am also really nosy curious as to what she gets you for a present!

Like I said, she's very generous to us. This year she's getting me and DH a little tv for our bedroom. Last year DH got a kindle and I got a camera.

I didn't get a birthday present this year, though. We were meant to go on a shopping trip which never happened.

But still, she is very generous with what she gives and then she reminds you again and again how much you owe her

She still sounds mean. Giving gifts - especially to somebody like your own DCs - should be about making them happy, not about insuring a big gift for yourself, or having something to hold over them. Nasty.

Hmm, I'm not sure it's that generous, depends on their income.

like what jux said about brother paying for it. Good luck photo or calander of LO?