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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

DH and I disagree over present for PITA mum (long, sorry)

67 replies

ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 07/12/2011 11:43

My mother is a nightmare about presents.

She always says "I don't need a present", "really, I don't want you to spend your money on me" etc, but if you fail to deliver an expensive, tasteful present you are nothing to her.

Two years ago she refused to speak to me for 2 weeks after Christmas and just about managed to spit out Merry Christmas over the phone on the day itself. I'd given her and Dad a joint present of six santons, which she had asked for. DH is from Provence, and she'd seen our little collection of them and asked for some. I also gave Dad a book and as it's impossible to buy her a cheap present I just got her a little Bonne Maman jam set, with little china jam bowls and spoons; it wasn't much, but it was cute and perfect for their holiday cottage. She decided it wasn't good enough, and I was muck. Dad had a go at me later about how I should have known better and I'd ruined everyone's Christmas because she'd been sulky with him and my brother because of it as well.

The santons, by the way, cost over 60 euros, so it wasn't like I'd not spent any money on her. And she bloody asked for them. I was fuming.

Anyway, since then I have towed the party line and she has had Chanel perfume, Radley sandals, Radley pencil case plus cute stationary (Mother's day, wouldn't get away with that for B'day or Xmas), jewellery from her favourite silversmith... you get the idea.

She still wants bloody santons every Christmas though. So last year she got them, plus a gift.

This year DH and I have just bought a house. DS is 14 months, and DC2 is coming in April. She's made a big song and dance about not spending much on her (she no longer says no gifts, after her family finally gave in after she went on and on about it for her 50th. And then spent months bitching about how selfish they were not to have got her anything).

We already bought some santons when we were in Provence in the summer. Again, over 60 euros worth. We always give them as a joint present, but really they're for mum as she wants them and dad couldn't care less. He's happy with a £20 amazon voucher.

I also have a giant box of Guylian chocolates (which mum loves), worth £25 quid, but that I got on offer.

DH thinks I should just give them the santons and the chocs and leave it at that. I kind of agree with him, except that I can't bear the misery and guilt tripping that will follow. She's already dropping hints about the kind of wonderful things my brother had bought for them, designer, rare, arty etc.

So I don't really know what to do. We can't really afford to spend loads more on her. Most of the santons I got for her we already have, so it's not like I can reduce the number and then spend the leftover cash. Plus we'd never have spent that on ourselves.

I'm already in the doghouse after my brother bought them a wedding anniversary present and I didn't. (27 years, so not a massive milestone) We couldn't afford to buy each other anniversary presents this year, so I wasn't going to buy my parents one.

I also feel very guilty because we spend nothing like that amount on DH's parents. His mum is getting £15 box of teas from Whittards and his dad will get whisky from Sainsbury's when it's on offer £15-20. And they'll be really happy with that. DH is nice about it, because he knows my mother is a nightmare about them and would rather we didn't cause a war, but it's a bit shit.

Sorry, this has turned into a huge rant so thank you if you've kept reading. What would you do? Leave it as the santons and chocs, or add in something else to keep the peace?

Thanks!

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 08/12/2011 09:11

happy Camel this bit of pyschology also applies yr DIL and Impy's mum, these people are still stuck in their childhood when for logical or illogical reasons they felt unloved and unwanted and are selfishly unable to think themselves through it to a more mature outlook.

The best gifts would be a course with a therapist!!!

ppeatfruit · 08/12/2011 09:13

Sorry happy I meant your FIL of course!!

CryingAndFarting · 08/12/2011 09:22

This would make a lovely gift for the mother who has everything and not at all passive aggressive

stuffthenonsense · 08/12/2011 09:42

OH MY WORD. I would go to vistaprint/photobox type website and order her a cheap mug with 'it is better to give to than to receive' printed on it, and a book about the true meaning of christmas...for the sake of your entire family, this woman should not be pandered to...sulky people can go and sit in the sulky corner, with a bah humbug hat on.

Eddas · 08/12/2011 09:48

If anyone behaved like this to me they'd be getting nothing. I can't believe grown adults behave like this and people allow them to by pandering to them. If your child did this would what would you do?! Veruca Salt off Charlie and the Chocolate Factory comes to mind!!

Eddas · 08/12/2011 09:49

stuffthenonsense, that is a fab idea!! (very apt name for this thread btw!)

Original poster

ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 08/12/2011 18:29

Jux - yes, you have a point. They are both on good salaries, mum's in particular is very good, so for them it's not taxing on their finances.

Eddas - I'd like to think the DC would never behave like this, it's disgraceful and wouldn't be allowed. But my mother has had my entire life to condition me to do this, it's not like it's a new thing; if it was she'd get nowhere, but it's difficult to break to habit of a lifetime. And while she sulks my dad and brother especially are actively aggressive, so it's not just a case of ignoring her while she gets on with it.

CryingAndFarting and stuffthenonsense - those are both great gifts :o but see above for why I'd find it impossible to give them.

ppeatfruit - unfortunately it's me who's currently having therapy due to a childhood where I felt unloved and unwanted, and I think my reasons for feeling that pretty logical :o My mother doesn't believe in MH problems. Or at least, she didn't when I was a suicidal teenager. Now that she's discovered you get sympathy for them she's "depressed" a lot, but not enough to see a therapist, she's stronger than that I haven't mentioned therefore that I am, I don't need to be beaten with that stick as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImpYCelynAndTheIvy · 08/12/2011 18:30

Oh sorry, turned stuffthenonsense's post and Eddas' into the same one. The sulky bit relates to what STN said.

OP posts:

theancientmarinator · 08/12/2011 19:40

Imp my sympathies and don't feel bad about being 'a doormat' - you are just trying to make everyone happy which is a good motive, no? Although I think, absolutely, that it's your turn to be the person who is happy now .

Last year I had a long think about the whole gift-giving thing. If you give to an adult with a higher income than you you can't win - you will always be spending less on them than they would spend on themselves. A decent person won't make an issue of this. I realised that some of the people I was buying for didn't so much want 'the thing' in the parcel as the respect for their importance/ superior taste or knowledge/ exalted status in life that the gift implied. Nothing I could buy could give them that and trying to was disappointing them and making me miserable. The second thing I realised was that it's my money and my choice. I could just choose to stop exchanging gifts with the (two) relatives who did make a fuss if their gift was not just right. Granted there might be back-stabbing and tantrums and I would be powerless to stop these but... I didn't have to stick around to watch them. I could simply not respond to texts/emails, say there was someone at the door and hang up on unpleasant calls, etc and refuse to participate in family life on those terms. I informed them that we were all old enough now to just limit gift-giving to our children. And actually, it all passed over pretty smoothly - lucky me ;)

I think deciding not to play along in this never-ending, King Lear, who loves mum the most spendathon and to play it on your terms last year was a brave and strong thing to do - especially given your history with your mum. You should be proud of yourself. You should also remind yourself that in this relationship you actually have the one thing money can't buy - the grandkids . If she wants to be part of their life, she actually has to mollify you all the time, not the other way round. Help with the childcare can be bought - access to your grandchildren can't. Good luck, and please come back in January and tell us what happened - I for one am dead nosy!

theancientmarinator · 08/12/2011 19:42

PS in the run up to stopping exchanging gifts with the above rellies I was a wreck - my post makes me sound like I was all serene and well-balanced about it. Chance would be a fine thing...

ppeatfruit · 09/12/2011 08:22

Imp it seems that yr Mum is stuck in her miserable childhood and has visited it on you sadly. Luckily for us my mum was fully aware that she was not treated right and did her best to bring us up differently and so she broke the viscious circle.

One saying I use when people get upset with others is "don't give ANYONE the power to upset you".

Katisha · 09/12/2011 09:00

GOsh she sounds like a prime case for receiving the Oxfam charity goat.

Jux · 09/12/2011 09:48

at Katisha.

Imp, I dare you!!

Katisha · 09/12/2011 10:31

And if she wants expensive, you could get TWO goats ...

SoupDragon · 09/12/2011 12:08

I was gutted that Oxfam stopped selling the bucket of shit manure. I think there's a replacement but it's not quite as obvious that you've given someone crap for christmas.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 12:24

Imp - I think that TikTok has said the wisest thing on this thread - that it is NOT you who is causing upset in the family - it's your mum.

The santons sound like absolutely lovely gifts - thoughtful, quirky, and a lovely thing to have (or to give). And you are adding other things on top - you are being very generous, and if your mum can't see that, it's her fault, not yours.

I would give her what you've planned to give, and leave it at that. If anyone phones/texts you to say you've caused trouble by not giving a sufficiently expensive gift, just say "Do you realise how spoiled and greedy that sounds?" and then change the subject. If they try to carry on, tell them that you refuse to discuss it any more and will hang up/ignore any further texts on the matter, if they carry on. As another poster has said, this will take a very thick skin, and a lot of courage, but I think you can do it - and your dh will back you up.

And if you do do this, it is NOT you being an ungrateful/wicked/difficult daughter. You deserve better treatment than this.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 09/12/2011 16:49

Would you take this shitty attitude from your DC when they're a bit bigger? I doubt it, so why the hell take it from your mum? I know you want to keep the peace but honestly if present buying for this ungrateful mare of a woman is so stressful it isn't a very peaceful christmas is it?

On the plus side, if everyone as well as your mum gives you the cold shoulder thats several less presents to buy next christmas! (assuming you can keep the fued going ofcourse!)

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