Please help me see that Christmas isn't all about presents...

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

I grew up with very little...4 kids and it was the 70s, most people where I grew up had few toys and clothes...th area was very depressed and as a result I have gone overboard at Christmas when buying fo the DDs. They are 7 and 3 and DH hates that I end up buying tonnes of gifts.....he rightly thinks that around 7or 8 well chosen and good quality presents is plenty along with a stocking....but in my mind, I see that less than 25 things to open is a failure.

Its some kind of chip on my shoulder from growing up poor I think....DH and I aren't well off but we're doing well at the moment and I keep wanting to buy EVERYTHING they like on TV.

How many presents is ok? How many is "right"?

I want to get DD1 a DS and DD2 some kind of toddler computer thing....they like numerous stuff on the ads....board games etc.

HOw much is too much?

Wow - I think 7 or 8 is too much! Our DD is getting one big present (a drum kit) and a stocking.

It always seems to arise on threads like this, that the poorer the family, the more Christmas presents are given.

What did your children enjoy last year? How many of the presents ended up broken and unused by the end of January? Buying them everything they want off the TV is not setting them up to understand that when they are adults they will have to work for things they want.

And most importantly, what good memories do you have of Christmas as a child, because it probably isn't present-related.

I just think of that scene in the first Harry Potter book when the apallingly spoilt Dudley Dursley is opening his birthday presents

'Thirty-six,' he said, looking up at his mother and father. 'That's two less than last year.'
'Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy.'

Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger too, because she said quickly, 'And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that popkin?' Two more presents. Is that all right?'
Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly, 'So I'll have thirty... thirty...'
'Thirty-nine, sweetums,' said Aunt Petunia.
'Oh.' Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel.

Obviously what's 'right' depends on your family circumstances and personal judgement. Personally, I'd hate to end up with a Dudley so I limit it to a main present, a couple of secondary gifts and a stocking full of inexpensive bits and pieces.

It sounds like i had a similar childhood to you. I also fell into 'the trap' when the kids were younger of buying loads of stuff. I wanted them to be happy and excited but it was also for my benefit too, i'm sure.

Just be careful because as they get older this mountain of presents is still expected and each present gets more expensive as things for older kids/teens generally are.

Tbh i would start scaling it down now. I was left with the problem of finding it hard to 'keep up' with what they were used to and wish i had been more realistic from the beginning. Enjoy all the traditions you can start instead of relying on pressies to bring the fun. Do the christmas pj thing and the footsteps in icing sugar on christmas morning, thats fun:) Spend time making christmas crafts and baking christmas cookie decs and things like that and hopefully the pressies can take abit of a back seat.

I don't know how much is too much but there need to be limits, surely? Nowadays, i ask what they might really want/need for christmas (one item) and anything else they get i surprise them with.

It depends on your finances and your attitude to Christmas. If you're going into debt to buy the gifts and your dh is unhappy, then you're buying too much.

If you can comfortably afford the gifts and both of you are happy the children are getting what they want most then that's the right amount.

We usually buy one main present each or to share (eg PS3, Wii, Dsi) then a stocking of books, a cd, chocolate, socks, pyjamas and a novelty gift.

Can you compromise? Get something you know they'd love, then get just a few smaller things. I know exactly what you mean though - you can look at a pile of gifts and think it looks so meagre. But if the gifts are going to make them happy, it doesn't matter how many there are.

Instead of buying loads of stuff, how about a trip to a pantomime/ballet/Christmas show as a family? Your dc will understand it's about spending time with family, not counting gifts.

I don't think it's about the number of things.

Maybe get something they can play with alone (leap pad type thing), something you can do together (slightly complicated Lego?), something they can share (Playmobil/Sylvanian Families/ a playset?), arts and crafts stuff/books, and maybe a soft toy, or character for taking to bed on Christmas night .

A small cheap bag to put their own things into usually goes down well.

Doing it that way, you can buy a few things, and there are things that they will be able to return to at various points during the day, while you're busy cooking, when you have time together after lunch/ before bed etc.

I do think our own childhoods have a lot to do with our expectations. I grew up in a single parent family with 2 older brothers but somehow we never went without, god knows how my mum managed it. I don't recall a massive pile under the tree, we used to leave a stockign and a pillowcase out and find them full to bursting in the morning. I think buying for the sake of buying is a trap a lot of people fall into. My dc are only 7 and 3 and tbh a lot of their presents are second hand. Ds has some Thomas things from the NCT sale and dd has lots of books and craft bits. I did well at the Sainsburys toy sale yesterday and that's all they're having. There will be an impressive pile under the tree but as I've not spent more than I can afford I don't mind. For me Christmas has always been about the feeling on the day though, rather than the presents. I was just thinking this morning that I can't remember any of the presents I recieved as a child, but I do remember Christmas day being very special. DO what you can afford, don't get into debt to fund it and don't buy it just becaus eyou see it. Get them things you know they'll love and that you won't mind having in your house.

we don't give any presents for christmas, because the dc get so much from the grandparents.
for birthdays (november) they get one present from us each and we give another present at midsomer.

I think only you can judge the 'right' number for your family, but I can tell you it definitely isn't 'everything they like on the telly' :) I have a similar thing - we didn't get much stuff growing up and as we have money now there is a danger I could go crazy but I try very hard not to. So last year (DS 2.9, DD 3mo) we started some rituals that we hope our DCs will start to look forward to so they become as important as the presents. Like oksonowwhat, I try to focus on those things.

We collected things to make an advent wreath and then lit the new candle over Sunday tea and cakes/mince pies each week. DS helped decorate the Christmas cake on Christmas Eve last year and then had the first slice :) We read 'The Night Before Christmas' in front of the fire while he was tucked up in pyjamas and dressing gown and then laid out sherry and mince pie and carrot for Father Christmas and Rudolph just before bed. We have a special breakfast on Christmas morning with favourite things like nice ham and smoked salmon and posh bread with scrambled eggs and fancy orange juice with bits in it :) We go for a brisk country walk either after breakfast or after dinner. We have a big phone call to whichever family members we're not with where everyone talks to everyone.

One other thing you could do is spread out the time they open presents. At my house we used to have a big rush to open everything and couldn't remember who gave us what, whereas DH's parents made them wait until after lunch (apart from stocking first thing) and then take turns opening and admiring which took forever and took some of the pleasure out of it for the DCs. We are settling on a middle ground where they have stocking and a couple of presents first thing, and then a few more later and then grandparents and relatives presents after that. It worked well last year as DS actually played with his presents and appreciated each of them and had time to say thank you to GPs/uncle etc rather than it just being a big 'how many presents did i get' sprint. May get harder as he gets bigger and more focused on presents but we'll try.

Finally, don't know if this applies, but my parents always insisted that every single present was from Father Christmas and we could never understand why they hadn't bought us anything and actually felt a bit unloved for the first 8 years of our lives!!!! So we tell our DCs that the stocking is from Father Christmas but everything bigger is from us, in the hope that they will start to appreciate where presents come from and that we had to work for them etc.

sorry for the essay I'm sat here making Christmas present list, adding things and crossing stuff off, so it's at the fore of my mind right now!

At least you've recognised that this is something of an overkill response to the season! Some people will just keep on upping the ante each year. I'd stop, NOW. Get them far fewer, more interesting things, that'll hold their attention for longer. I don't honestly believe that children like opening a vast mountain of stuff - I think it overwhelms them and makes them unhappy and uncertain about what to play with first.

I know my DSs are a lot younger than your children, but last year, DS's first present to unwrap was a Cranky Crane (Thomas train toy) and he was so overjoyed to see it that he just forgot about the other presents, which we quietly hid for later (they were doled out over several days in the end). I'm all for ekeing presents out over a longer period, at Christmas. Saves on the massive come-down when the massive pile's been unwrapped.

Re. saying everything comes from Father Christmas, I've always thought that was a bit wierd. My SIL, if I understood her correctly, wants to get DS1 something lovely for Christmas this year, and asked us to give it to him 'from Santa'. Very kind of her, but why doesn't she want him to know it came from her and her family? FC does stockings in this house and nothing else.

Well, kids will ask for something or maybe say " I wish I had a "XYZ" immediately they have seen it on TV. Then it is highly likely that they will forget all about it and the previous stuff/highly coloured plastic crap.

We say , "put it on your Christmas list when we get to Christmas and we'll see what Father Christmas thinks".

We also say that you can only ask for as many things as your age. By the time the number gets to 8 or 9 they know about Christmas and a long list never happens, particularly as they start to ask for expensive gadgets and appreciate that they have used up their "allowance" on one item so won't be getting anything else.

IMHO, and I really believe this now because it is certainly true for me when I think back to my childhood, the things that make Christmas special are the anticipation and the little traditions/customs.
Some people have new PJ's on Christmas Eve, we always have a new Christmas themed story book of some kind that gets read over and over again (because the dc's want to hear it again, not me !) in the run up to the big day.
We play on the "Norad tracks Santa" website during December and on Christams Eve see him getting closer and closer until the youngest dc is nervous about not being asleep in time and begs to go to bed now. (FC doesn't deliver if you are awake).

This is the stuff your dc will remember not the mountains of new toys. Think about it, can anybody remember what they got for every Christmas of their childhood ?

Thanks everyone....you have all made me see DH is right. We do have some traditions we have begun and I did say to older DD the other day that there may be less presents than usual because Father Christmas has been giving extra to children in countries which have less...and I told her we were also giving to charity....she seemed fine about it....very accepting.

DD2 is less understanding.... think I might go a bit bigger on the trinkety things and make them abigger stocking each....but some things ccan be handmade....I just LOVE the wrapping and prepping!

We have some conflict at our house too only it is dh that wants to buy them everything and me who wants to cut it down.
I get some influence because I shop and wrap but dh comes back with extras and orders from the internet etc as well.
Ideally I'd like them to have about half of what they get and probably dh would want them to have double so I suppose it's a compromise of sorts.
I only know the year where dh didn't top them up was our best Christmas because they weren't overwhelmed and appreciated and played with everything. Although dh wasn't too happy I suppose.
I'm trying to cut it back a little this year and have suggested we go away for Christmas instead to a cottage. I'm thinking that we wouldn't be able to transport too much that way not sure he will be up for it though.

Mum always goes ott too and she's got them 3 things each....my sisters will each buy them a gift...which makes another 3 presents...so I wll aim for around 7 things each....which is arund 10 things....so then that's the same as you insanity...DH would like them to have 4 things each and I would like 20!

How about buying 'family' presents that they can unwrap or necessary items (like pajamas/knickers/socks) that bulk up the total? We always have a family item, usually a new board game, that we all sit and enjoy after the nominated child opens it. DM also always gave us fun socks and pajamas - things in retrospect that she needed to buy anyway but at the time we just saw them as our special Christmas clothes.

The Elves bring our new Christmas pyjamas on Christmas Eve while we're in the bath. They wrap them and leave them on the bed.

My DM always did this and it's a tradition I've carried on. Bit tricky now that DS is 18 and doesn't wear pj's (but still believes wholeheartedly in The Elves ) so they usually bring him some boxers instead.

If it helps, mine are very much older than yours and what they love and loved about Christmas is the tree, the special cooking and food, the family traditions that wrap around the festival.
That's what they remember from their childhood. Not the presents as such, especially not the price tags.

Oh I love this thread!

Our finances are depleted this year and it's made me screech to a halt about how spoilt my boys have been. I mean, its crept up on me - I had no idea. I was spending £300++ on each of them. That's just bonkers. Each year I was upping the ante. Well I've explained that this year it's different and I hope they understand.

We do the PJ's on Christmas Eve thing plus lots of other traditions. This year, I've ordered a Christmas Simpsons jigsaw from Amazon and we'll do that in the run up to the big day. I've spent about £75 on each child this year.

I also find that spacing out the presents helps.

Stockings are first thing (but presents like a new toothbrush, small packet of sweets, tiny games) then bigger 'Father Christmas' presents after everyone's had breakfast or after church. No relatives presents til after lunch - this tends to be the biggest pile for each dc, so all the excitement of the day isn't over in the first 5 minutes after waking up.

But I'm with your dh - would happily buy no presents for the dc apart from stockings as they get so much else :)

We used to spend around £75 - £100 per child. This year we just simply cannot afford it so we set a £50 limit. And then the stocking on top, wich, now the dc are 9 and 12 consists of 'useful' things such as a nice showergel, a new hairbrush, funky boxers for 12 year old ds, a new wooly hat for 9 year old dd.
Ds (12) is easy this year, he wants money towards a new wheel for his bmx. But he also loves drawing and art so will buy him some art materials so he has a few little bits under the tree to unwrap.

I have been selling the idea of a smaller budget to them for a month or two and ds said this morning that what he is most looking forward to is all of us snuggled up on the sofa, a bowl of nuts/crisps/nibbles and watching a dvd together

Mine will get one main present from Santa Claus, a smaller present from us, a stocking and the Christmas eve hamper with pj's etc. Which is plenty I think.

They are a bit young yet, but I plan to make the whole of December magical with lots of fun and traditions and get them used to it being all about family, food and fun. More about the 'feeling' of Christmas than anything else.

YY PRO - the feeling of Christmas. Love that!

It worked for us PRO, and through into the New Year.
Interesting when I remember what I went through to acquire a Furby for DD, and she barely remembers it, and has no idea where it is now.

We used to buy too much for dd and then one year we were skint and we had to change our ways . I was dreading Christmas without money because I had reduced it to a day when we got stuff.

I suggest reducing the presents gradually if they are used to getting lots. We also do not start our Christmas day with presents and that sets the tone for what the day is about. We start the day with a Christmas breakfast - we serve the same thing every day. We then phone relatives and go to church . After church is dinner and everyone helps in some way and then after dinner we open presents. So presents do not get opened until late afternoon or early evening. Some years we almost forget. There are no piles under the tree, Dp and I do not do presents for each other and dd will have one or two things under the three. There will also be a family present from my Mum. Somewhere amongst the presents will be a board game which we play after presents.

If you ask my dd about Christmas she will talk about the food, family and playing games. She will talk about the months we spend preparing,cooking and making things, decorating the house and tree, presents do not really figure. IMO that is because that is where the time and effort goes , not on buying presents.