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Christmas

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Original poster

Aargh how to get out of Xmas Day invite?

23 replies

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:08

We were meant to be visiting ILs at Christmas, and my parents and bro were going skiing.

But we are now not visiting the ILs and my mother has "coincidentally" decided that February would be a better time to ski and has now invited us for Christmas Day.

I hate spending it with other people, especially my parents (I agreed to spend it with ILs every 3 years as it is a tradition for DH). As a child we never spent it with my grandparents or extended family, but my mother has now decided that Christmas is all about grandparents (conveniently announced this the year DS was born). We saw them on boxing day last year.

I was noncommittal when she asked but she's going to push and push. What can I say? We live really close so travel won't provide an excuse.

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 14/10/2011 10:10

invite her round to yours?

If you live close is it really so bad to spend part of the day with your mum?

you could always have the morning at home and turn up at 1pm

I have liitle sympathy as we have to travel most years inlaws 6 hours away, my parents 3 hours away... oh how I'd love to spend just 1 day with family instead of stay 3 nights

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:14

My mum is foul to me. Most Christmases end in me crying as she has been so rude. I certainly don't want her in my house.

So yes, it really is that bad, I'm sick of having Christmas Day ruined. I thought once I was married and had children it would be fine as our family set up was that we didn't see GPs at Christmas, but now she's decided that that is not the case, FGS.

IL are 13hrs away, we go for a week but they've moved house and can't have us this year .

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 14/10/2011 10:19

just say 'sorry we want xmas on our own'

if she's that nasty then you won't mind the fall out will you?

MonsterBookOfHorrors · 14/10/2011 10:22

I would just say no, have the fall out now and lock you doors xmas day.

Methe · 14/10/2011 10:23

Crikey, just say NO!

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:28

The problem with fallout from my mum is that she takes it out on everyone so from when I say no til Christmas I'll have to deal with fallout from my dad and brother as well.

Plus all the emotional manipulation stuff, which this year will include 'your mother has just been made redundant, I'd have thought you'd do one little thing.... blah blah blah".

I just thought it wouldn't be an issue at all, and now she's turned it into something that there'll be another family war over, with me starring as the bad guy yet again.

God it's going to be hell for the next 3 months.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 14/10/2011 10:28

you don't need an excuse. Just say 'we're having Christmas at ours alone with the kids' and arrange to see her another day

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:31

DuellingFanjo - See I'm trying to use my "cool, calm, won't be budged" voice when I talk to her, but inside I'm screaming and panicking. If I can hold it together then that will work.

But invariably I fall apart, start making excuses and then she goes for the throat.

OP posts:

MonsterBookOfHorrors · 14/10/2011 10:35

can't you lie and say the inlaws have made space for you and you must go up there as it is their year. ?Then hide in your house with the curtains closed if you must.

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:37

ROFL - I love the idea of pretending to go to the ILS and just closing the curtains!

I'm tempted to just be "unsure" about whether we're going to the ILS or not in the hopes that they'll resume their skiing plans.

OP posts:

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 14/10/2011 10:42

but you can't be usure all that time, it will be awful wondering what will be said and when, and you will have been fretting for the next couple months.

Tell her, you are having xmas day in your own home. If she starts, say, thats what i want to do. Say no more. Put phone down cheerily 'I have to go now, bye'.

Don't let her bully you op!! It can only change, if you change it, becuase she's not going to change, EVER!

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 10:47

I am really trying to change, because I know that. And it is working, gradually. She's obviously a bit freaked out by it. Which, I'm sure, is why she sprung this on me out of nowhere.

Right.

"We're planning to have a quiet Christmas Day at home with DS, so that we can enjoy our first Christmas in our new house. Would you like to come over on Boxing Day?"

Polite, but firm. Repeat ad infinitum.

Do you think that will work. If so, I'll start practising :)

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 14/10/2011 10:49

Just keep saying no, and don't let people give you grief - maybe say the first time 'we've decided to spend the day on our own, will love to see you Boxing day' and thereafter say 'we talked about this. What about Wales then ? (or some other total change of subject)'. For sanity, you may wish to mentally regard this as a game and count number of attempts etc.
But don't play her game - the more you give in, the more she'll push you. It doesn't matter if she paints you as the bad guy, cos you know you aren't and thats what matters

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 14/10/2011 11:13

Grim for you :( agree with just say no, remember you don't actually have to explain yourself...

It gets easier with practice, honestly.

mumeeee · 14/10/2011 11:20

Well DD1 and her DH are coming for us for Christmas we are really looking toward to it and it was her suggestion. They went skiing with her IL's last Christmas. We will see my MIL on Christmas eve and then see my parents and family on 27th December for the big family Christmas party. This has been our tradition since the DD's were small. Would it be possible for you to say to your Mum you'll visit them on boxing day as you want to keep Christmas Day for your family unit?

thatboysmum · 14/10/2011 11:22

I would either just say no, DP and I have decided we would like to spend christmas on our own with the kids this year, why don't you come over on instead or just go for dinner so you don't have to do the cooking then only stay for an hour or 2, explaining that we'd like to spend some time on our own today, thank you for the invite though!
At least if you go to theirs you can leave whenever, if they come to yours you have to wait for them to go home!
We've alternated christmas' between the grandparents each year since DS was born or I have cooked for everyone, I find the pressure of everyone wanting to see us all at christmas a bit draining tbh. I think this year we may just visit everyone on christmas eve or boxing day and exchange gifts and then have christmas day to ourselves.

twinklingfairy · 14/10/2011 11:23

imp hold my hand. Can we do this together.
You tell mine, I will tell yours.
Actually don't think that will work, yours sounds as scary manipulative as mine
I am going to make sure my DH is with me when we drop the bomb. That way he can defend himself because she inevitably blames 'him'.
Last year we said we would come round after church for breakfast. Got there about 11ish got away some time after 4
Dad kept putting off the opening of the pressies, then it felt rude to cut and run.

We want to stay completely clear this year and see them boxing day. I am going to try the tack of we can have a whole separate christmas day with you. And on that christmas day you get us, the children, all day. That can't be bad, can it?

Original poster

ImpYCelyn · 14/10/2011 11:38

twinklingfairy - sorry to hear you're having the same problem! I think boxing day ought to be a good compromise (here's hoping), like you say, they can spend more time with your DCs that way. Last year sounds like it was awful though!

My mum used to think the world of DH, so having him back me up worked wonders. Now that I've started standing up to her more often he seems to have sunk a bit, I think she suspects him of being behind it.

Thank you so much everyone. I'm going to say no for Christmas day and invite them for boxing day. Our house is much colder and less comfortable than theirs, so they may not want to stay long anyway :o

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 14/10/2011 11:40

Yes, say that you have planned to have Christmas day just you DH and DC, and stick to it. You don't owe any explanation, they changed their minds about the skiing and shouldn't expect you to change your plans to suit them. And why should you when you end up crying and bullied? Mums redundancy wasn't your doing and shouldn't be used to make you feel guilty either.

Screen phone calls, you don't have to talk if you don't want. Only open the door with a safety chain on so that they can't barge in, change the locks if they have keys, you can justify this as improving home security. In fact, I'd be limiting the opportunities for them to see you and harass you about it. DH needs to back you up and repeat to your family what you've agreed so that they know you are united in your decision. I think she'll get fed up of you refusing to engage with her eventually.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 14/10/2011 11:53

Imp I totally sympathise as I have a similar relationship with my mum. Luckily, they live in Rugby and I live in Chester so it's far away!

I think you are doing the adult thing and being polite, honest and firm. Me, I would take the coward's way out and text Good for you.

WholeLottaRosie · 14/10/2011 13:03

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isla77 · 15/10/2011 23:46

Stay firm as others have said and do not back down. I have had my in-laws every Christmas since we married and we have been married a long time. I never spent Christmas with my own parents. They lived a long way away from us so it would have been difficult but we did spend every Easter - and DS's birthday often fell during the school holiday at Easter - with them. Now my parents have both passed away I do have regrets about not going at Christmas but they did have my sister's children with them. We will have to have my m-in-law as usual this year and she has become very difficult and will want Christmas lunch at 12:30 and then another three course meal at 5:30 as she is used to this in the care home that she lives in. This is not going to happen though and she will go on and on about it all day as this is what she does when she comes to us on a Sunday. It is going to be a difficult day and we will have to grin and bear it. However, if I were you IMp I would just stand firm and do what you want to do. Wish I had not given in years ago and had some Christmases with my parents, some with ILS and some just us at home.

mrsm123 · 19/10/2011 09:15

theres some great advice on here for you OP.

to me, youre mum sounds a bit like a bully and if your bro and dad start too thats when id get really annoyed.

absolutely do not go. your proirity now is you, your husband and child. not your mum. shes your dads problem (that sounds harsh but im just being straight and unemotional about it)

spend another day with them. and if you manage to stick to it, then you must enjoy it. dont spend the day feeling guilty, that would be a waste.

good luck!

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