Would anyone care to help me pre plan some Christmas retorts?

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My DM is likely to make digs about me, done with much laughter so it's hard to pick her up on it. We have friends coming over for a drink or two while she'll be here, she's likely to generally put me down with humour, but still at my cost. I've had enough of ignoring it, so I could really do with some quick retorts - can anyone offer some suggestions.

Common themes are that I'm controlling, manipulative, cold and not tactile.

"Well, we can't all be perfect like you!" works for a lot of insults, as it hints to the listener that you could give chapter and verse on her imperfections but are far too polite to. Or for things where your friends already know you're not like that, how about "Yeah, right!" with a smile and an eye roll.

Accusations of being cold or not tactile can be coutered by a huge big theatrical hug (if you can face the prospect with her!) and comments of "Oh, haven't I hugged you lately?, mwah, mwah!"

I blame the parents (big smile)...

Works for many things!

"I can't imagine where you got that idea..."

"Really, do you think so?" with a face. Pause for a moment's awkward silence, then carry on what you were doing.

Scootergirl - that's what I often say, but it sort of gets lost because the whole conversation is done in a 'jokey' way. I think she has no idea that I find it hurtful. I like the other suggestions, my DM was far from perfect as a parent so 'we can't all be as perfect as you' is very apt. Fab.

reward yourself for every unpleasant comment you get. Have a sly smile at the thought of that....chocolate/wine/other . your smile will drive her nuts.

"Oh Mum! If only I could trust you guys to carry out simple tasks, I could let go!"