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Original poster

How do we tell MIL we won't be coming for lunch - but will arrive in time for gifts?

79 replies

SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 07:32

Christmas alternates between Christmas day and boxing day at the in laws - this year its boxing day.

We have two DCs - 1yo and 3yo and I dread lunch at the inlaws every year - lunch is awful (this year she has bought a hostess trolley to store the offering which will be cooked at 6am and served at 1.30pm).

We have a 200 mile drive to get there.

Don't want to rush on boxing day morning to get DCs ready then 4 hour drive to arrive to sit in front of 10 adults spectating as I try to keep the DCs under control with a lunch they won't eat.

It is hell on sticks so this year DH and I have agreed that although we will attend the day will be a more leisurely affair for us and we will arrive by around 4pm before the present giving begins.

Will still have to endure the prawn ring from iceland style buffet but...

How do we explain this without breaking her heart?

OP posts:
Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:40

I'm afraid I'd find it easier to not go at all, and see them on a different day.

You could say your child has started getting travel sick so you want to avoid any long car journeys this year...don't know if that would work?

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:41

Or say someone is staying over on Christmas night, because of their own travelling distance, so you can't leave very early...all lies I know, it's a tricky one. FWIW it does sound hellish!

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 07:42

Poor woman. What a sneery attitude you have to her attempts to make the meal special.

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:44

I guess it depends on the people involved Georgi.

In my own family I could totally understand, but I don't know OP's in-laws and they might be perfectly lovely. Mine weren't.

(Picture the Dursley family)

YunoWhatYouDidLastSummer · 17/10/2010 07:44

Say that if you aim to arrive in time for lunch the children will be rancid because of nap schedules + travel time. It would be a shame to go all that way only to have the children asleep the whole time or massively overtired and tearful, so in the interests of a fun day for everyone you will arrive later with happy, refreshed children.

Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 07:45

If I didn't love my DH this is exactly what I would do!!!

Unfortunately, tradition dictates an unpleasant outing compensated by incredible generousity from his family in terms of gifts for us all and we're going to visit friends the next day and this will be lovely and make up for the nightmare.

To be fair, the inlaws are lovely, just it's hassle and there is no way on earth that DH would allow us not to attend at all!

OP posts:
belgo · 17/10/2010 07:45

Can you not bring the food yourself?

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 07:45

I am basing my comment on the OP, which makes no mention of the in laws being in any way unpleasant but sneers at the hostess trolley and Iceland prawn ring.

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 07:47

Just seen the OP's next post. So they are lovely people but the OP is just a snob.

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:47

I really understand the bit about being watched trying to control the children, and failing...we actually ran out of a special children's Christmas service, once, as even the lovely elderly ladies who had grabbed us in the churchyard and dragged us in were getting a bit tetchy with ds1's 'activities'. Blush Oh the shame.

belgo · 17/10/2010 07:47

agree georgimama, the sneery attitude towards the food is not so nice, which is why she should bring the food along herself if she doens't like the MIL's offering.

Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 07:47

I take it you too serve up your meal in a hostess trolley Georgi - sorry for inadvertently pressing your buttons!

OP posts:
belgo · 17/10/2010 07:48

I don't really understand what that nightmare is?

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:48

Iceland prawn rings are horrible. What's to love?

I know what you mean Georgi but when it comes to Christmas and family I always cut some slack.

piscesmoon · 17/10/2010 07:48

Once I had my own children I refused to drive all over the country and they came to me. As your DCs get older they will want to be in their own home. Start a new tradition.
If you are not willing to change-I think that you just have to have the food.

belgo · 17/10/2010 07:49

Specialpatrolgroup you are rapidly losing any sympathy I had for your predicament.

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 07:49

Er, no I really don't. I just feel sorry for your in laws.

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 07:49

Actually, Belgo, me too. Sad

HollyGoHeavily · 17/10/2010 07:50

I think it's time to start a new christmas tradition which makes the travelling easier - spend christmas day and boxing day with one set of parents and then go the other set on the 27th till the 30th. Racing up and down the country on boxing day drains the joy out of it. Don't present it as heartbreaking either - it's just a different way of doing it.

And cut your MIL some slack with the cooking - the food isn't the be all and end all of the day! If it's that important, invite her to yours and you do the work!

Ragwort · 17/10/2010 07:51

Well, I would get your DH to speak to MIL rather than you have to do it - explain that due to the long drive and the fact that the children are unable to sit through the 'lovely, formal' lunch it will be easier all round if you arrive at 4pm.

(so glad I no longer have ILs to worry about Grin).

SoupDragon · 17/10/2010 07:53

Do your in laws a favour and stay at home with your snobby, ungrateful attitude.

bigchris · 17/10/2010 07:53

I can sympathise
the kids won't want to sut down to a long meal after a four hour drive
but mil will understand that and hopefully let them wander about
could you drive down Xmas day night overnight so the kids sleep in the car and arrive refreshed? Inlaws can look after then while you and dh snooze

Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 07:57

Sorry gang - didn't mean to cause offence.

The food is awful but that isn't really the central issue.

Between the travelling and then having to keep the DCs (who will be wound up like tops after 4 hours in the car) under control for the duration of the meal whilst extended family members sit watching and commenting and not offering to help is the issue. The reality is that after 4 hours of travel, a really intense family meal is incredible pressure and if I'm really honest - I have a really crap time and to be honest she could be serving up an amazing feast and I would still not want to go.

You're right, I am being sneery and very much bah humbug, but the thought of it makes me feel like this.

To lessen the blow, we won't be making it for the lunch (pressure release), the question is, given that MIL goes to so much effort to produce the meal, how do we tell her without upsetting her?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/10/2010 08:00

How about saying "we don't want to spend any time with you but will arrive in time to take our presents"

that probably sums it up.

JaxTellersOldLady · 17/10/2010 08:00

maybe you could invite them all over to your house and "show them how it should be done".

If you dont like the food, offer to take something along, if you dont like the company then dont go.

Bit early on a Sunday for bitching, but part of marriage is compromise and the outlaws hosting a boxing day event while not your cup of tea is a nice thing to do.

Be grateful, suck it up and stop moaning... alternatively do something about it.