How do we tell MIL we won't be coming for lunch - but will arrive in time for gifts?

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Christmas alternates between Christmas day and boxing day at the in laws - this year its boxing day.

We have two DCs - 1yo and 3yo and I dread lunch at the inlaws every year - lunch is awful (this year she has bought a hostess trolley to store the offering which will be cooked at 6am and served at 1.30pm).

We have a 200 mile drive to get there.

Don't want to rush on boxing day morning to get DCs ready then 4 hour drive to arrive to sit in front of 10 adults spectating as I try to keep the DCs under control with a lunch they won't eat.

It is hell on sticks so this year DH and I have agreed that although we will attend the day will be a more leisurely affair for us and we will arrive by around 4pm before the present giving begins.

Will still have to endure the prawn ring from iceland style buffet but...

How do we explain this without breaking her heart?

So how much of this is down to you feeling solely responsible for your children - they are after all dh's children too, so why isn't he getting stressed about them.

I'd spend less time worrying about what to say to MIL and talk to your dh about how you feel. Otherwise you're simply fitting into some role as your children's carer, whilst your dh reverts to his adolescent self.

I do sympathise with you re: the alternate years arrangement. When DH and I got married we said that whatever anyone else did in the future we wouldn't be joining in with any such traditions re: one year here, one year there. We are both one of three and I now have a SiL on each side who is VERY keen on the alternate year thing which makes me even more relieved. When DD1 was born a few years after we'd got married we invited all our siblings, parents and grandparents to ours for a 'bring and share' Boxing Day lunch. Some came, some didn't but it was lovely (DD1 was 3 weeks old so everyone 'understood' or at least pretended to). We always have Christmas Day at home now and work out visits to the rest of the family across the festive season, because it's not just about those couple of days.

If you're serious about starting your own traditions next year I think you need to bring that into your plan of attack; accept that if this is the final year of things being done as they always have been that you may need to compromise. So, get DH to say, "Mum, the DCs are very excited about Boxing Day at your house but we're worried that their excitement, coupled with a long journey will spoil the special meal you've planned... would you prefer it if we came along at dessert time or if we brought a simple picnic lunch for them to eat at the table and get down once they've finished?". Giving choices is better than ultimatums!

Once she's said she'd like the picnic option DH can add, "thanks Mum, I felt bad about maybe missing out what with this being the final year of this tradition and people coming to ours next year...I'll have to help out at lunch then so I can pick up tips". Flattery is good.

Prime your DCs, stop off en route for running around possibilities approx 30 minutes before arriving (so you can phone and say that you're nearly there) and if all else fails....get stuck in some horrendous (imaginary if necessary!) traffic.