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Original poster

How do we tell MIL we won't be coming for lunch - but will arrive in time for gifts?

79 replies

SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 07:32

Christmas alternates between Christmas day and boxing day at the in laws - this year its boxing day.

We have two DCs - 1yo and 3yo and I dread lunch at the inlaws every year - lunch is awful (this year she has bought a hostess trolley to store the offering which will be cooked at 6am and served at 1.30pm).

We have a 200 mile drive to get there.

Don't want to rush on boxing day morning to get DCs ready then 4 hour drive to arrive to sit in front of 10 adults spectating as I try to keep the DCs under control with a lunch they won't eat.

It is hell on sticks so this year DH and I have agreed that although we will attend the day will be a more leisurely affair for us and we will arrive by around 4pm before the present giving begins.

Will still have to endure the prawn ring from iceland style buffet but...

How do we explain this without breaking her heart?

OP posts:
bigchris · 17/10/2010 08:01

Dh can tell his mum
how many nights do you have to stay?

piscesmoon · 17/10/2010 08:03

4 hours travel with young DCs is madness! At some point parents have to stop being the meeting place and give the next generation the turn.It may be too late for this year, but next change and say that now you have DCs you are doing the invitations and PIL can do the driving.Surely you won't still be driving sulky teenagers 4 hours because it is tradition?

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 08:03

Can't you suggest the big meal is getting too much effort for her, and you would be glad to help her prepare a (later) buffet lunch instead? Then you can take something that is more to your taste and avoid trying to keep two toddlers still at the table.

Thing is, your PILs probably don't mind that the children are wriggly and jiggly at the table, they've been through it themselves with toddlers, and are just glad to see them. My son's table manners irritate me far more than they do anyone else, I find.

bigchris · 17/10/2010 08:03

Don't get why the other posters are being so hostile
I sympathise because we have to drive six hours to see our inlaws, often in Xmas day, because we work Xmas eve. Sad
if your family all live in the same place people don't get what a pain the travelling is with young kids

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 08:05

And I agree with pisces. We have Christmas here. Anyone at all in the family who wants to come is welcome to join us. PILs never would, unfortunately (I think they are mad as a box of frogs but they are lovely to DS and he loves them). We go and see them a couple of weekends before Christmas to exchange gifts and we'll go up in between Christmas and New Year for the day.

bigchris · 17/10/2010 08:07

My dad refuses to be away from home at Xmas Sad
so sadly we have to travel
now inlaws are getting older and frailer they too want to stay at home
I never had Xmas away from home as a kid, my grandparents always came to us. Sadly my dcs are having the opposite experience

Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 08:09

We're staying until the Wednesday - so 3 nights. And we're happy to - it's just the 3 hours in the afternoon of our arrival that is the issue. Not really a grab and run for the presents - and on the other side of this SoupDragon we take presents for them all as well.

Had I not mentioned the crap cooking then maybe I'd have got away with wanting an easy going journey down rather than a mad dash followed by trying to keep kids under control whilst the grown ups eat type scenario.

I take it all back - my MIL is the best cook ever, I just don't want to dash 200 miles down the motorway then spend an afternoon trying to get my young DCs to sit at at table for 3 hours. Without any help.

Sorry again for any offence caused.

OP posts:
belgo · 17/10/2010 08:10

bigchris I am travelling 7 hours with three children to see my family this Christmas, and I would be very upset if my dh had a similar attitude to visiting his in laws as the OP.

SpecialPatroGroup - if the food really is the problem, then I don't understand why you don't just offer to bring it along yourself.

MrsBigD · 17/10/2010 08:10

'family members watching and commenting and not offering to help'... is my mother part of your family? Grin

Best way to deal with this is not to kill yourself trying to keep the dc totally under control. Everybody should appreciate that after 4h in the car they will be a bit antsy and if family members are a bit too old fashioned and expect the 'to be seen not heard' type of kids.. just ignore the comments and swish the meal down with plenty of red wine. Grin.

thisiswhataluv · 17/10/2010 08:11

do you really have to drive for 4 hours on boxing day ? xmas is a time for kids to play and have fun. not to be driven 200 miles especially on boxing day...and im sure the kids will make you aware of this the older they get..
can you not go up for a few days on the monday or tuesday ?

Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 08:13

Its true that some in laws are horrible and wouldn't even bother - so a 'count your blessings' is probably partly in order here Smile

However I totally sympathise and would find it really really difficult to manage. I fought not to go to these events all my teenage years and eventually escaped the obligation but the family relationships never recovered. It traumatised me against my grandparents for life.

It's such a shame when this happens. And often there is no way round it.

We used to do it every fortnight, all year round though so once a year sounds quite nice compared to that!

OhYouBadBadGhostie · 17/10/2010 08:13

Can you promise yourself a special Christmas dinner on New Years day at home so that you can relax more about the Christmas day one?

Ragwort · 17/10/2010 08:14

Of course there might be a danger of MIL moving the meal to the evening if you say you arriving later in the day Grin - you just have to be honest; get your DH to say how much you are looking forward to seeing everyone but due to the ages of the children it is just not possible for them to sit still for a lengthy meal.

Why can't your DH say this?

bigchris · 17/10/2010 08:16

Thiswhataluv - that wouldn't be possible for ys because we work around the bank holidays
thanks for making ys feel guilty that the children won't like it though!

belgo · 17/10/2010 08:17

For the car drive, make sure Father Christmas brings them gifts that are suitable to take in the car and will help occupy them
eg.
-Talking books/music - Peter and the Wolf is always a good one for children
-DVD player in the car (I hate this as it causes travel sickness but some parents swear by them).

We are travelling on Christmas Day because it is one of the quietest days on the motorway, so is Boxing Day in my experience.

thisiswhataluv · 17/10/2010 08:26

bigchris im sorry if i have something untoward Blush but from my own experience as a child we had to travel for 3 hours on boxing day to visit family and i didnt like it.

bigchris · 17/10/2010 08:29

No don't worry!
Did you have fun when you got there? We hate the journey but the dcs love it when they get there
but they're only six and four so I guess as they get older they'll want to stay at home
it's horrid living away from family, I hope they don't move too far from us....

Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 08:31

Ragwort DH doesn't like to say no to them - the last time he did they threatened not to come to our wedding (another story).

However - I would love to say 'we love Christmas with you but trying to enjoy the meal with kids going bonkers fills us both with dread' but in reality I don't think this is an option, they do tend to take offence easily and being honest just won't cut the mustard here.

Luckily, the tradition is a longstanding effort and change is not really entered into with his family so possibility of the meal being moved is very remote.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpecialPatrolGroup · 17/10/2010 08:34

Also, us having them over is not an option - we live 200 miles away from all of the family - uncles,brother, gran, aunts etc

I have just realised that this could be a worse scenario - catering for 12 whilst trying to control DCs and the extended family not helping and commenting!!

Maybe I should suck it up and be grateful for small mercies...

OP posts:
thisiswhataluv · 17/10/2010 08:34

yeah there was plenty of cousins to play with...
we didnt have much to do on the car though ,i just had colouring in and puzzle books and reading books,dolls etc
however these days theres incar dvds, nintendo ds and the likes to keep older children entertained...
perhaps im old fashioned thinking that xmas is a time for spending at home Grin

Ragwort · 17/10/2010 08:38

Well, it's going to be almost unavoidable then if your DH can't be honest with them. I think you will just have to accept that is the way it is. (Sounds like DH is the problem rather than MIL !)

I am absolutely determined not be a difficult in-law so I take on board all these comments on this thread.

My parents have an interesting perspective - luckily I can be very honest with them which helps so we arrange Christmas to suit ourselves and this year we won't actually be seeing them at Christmas. However they find it much harder to be honest with my DBs and are frightened of upsetting them, they feel they 'ought' to see them at Christmas, but long distances are involved and they really do understand that children don't want to be away from their own home. They are quite happy to stay alone but it all ends up a big misunderstanding as no one will just be honest Grin.

Fully agree with whoever said that driving on Christmas Day is the best idea - we did that last year, the roads were practically empty !

wingandprayer · 17/10/2010 08:39

Why are you managing the kids on your own at the dinner table? Where is your DH in this?

Get a plan hatched together, take a pack of stuff to keep them amused at table and if necessary sandwiches, manage their behaviour together, have several large glasses of wine and try and relax so you can enjoy the day.

I understand all about joyless experiences at ILs on Boxing Day, so the trick is to try and make it work for you while repeating the mantra 'it's only once a year...'

Decorhate · 17/10/2010 08:42

Are your dcs the only children who will be there? If so I agree that what is essentially an adults party will be boring for them, esp if the other people there are nit child-friendly. I think you are right to wriggle out of that part and spend time with the gps once their other guests have left.

But I agree that you need to start building up Christmas traditions of your own, in your own home. We used to travel a lot to visit family, one year we had a good excuse not to & it broke the cycle. We may go this year but our dcs are older & will have cousins to play with so more appealing now...

mousymouse · 17/10/2010 08:44

last year we had to break the tradition because dd only arrived a few days before and there was no way of getting the passport in time, not to mention me not beeing up for it after the birth.
I loved it, we had a really lovely christmas as home and my family could join in for a little while via skype!
plan to do that again this year and visit them at a time when travelling is not as stressfull.

seeker · 17/10/2010 08:47

Get up early, make a posh picnic breakfast, do half the journey, stop for a couple of hours somewhere nice, let the children run off steam and eat (don;'t forget tea making stuff).

Then they won't be climbing the walls when they get there and you can all concentratedon being civilized.

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