Pastor’s wife struggling with son and tensions at our home church

[Variationofnormal]

Ds1 is 20, in between his first and 2nd year of university. We go to a tiny evangelical church at home that's very old fashioned and isolated and he goes to a smallish church at university that's a lot more modern and lively. At home he is the only musician (piano) and at university he plays bass guitar in the church band. He's also autistic and can be quite blunt sometimes although he doesn't mean to offend.

Dh has been going to this church since he was born and is one of the 2 pastors. I grew up in a livelyish big church of England church and did new wine/soul survivor etc.

Ds1 is really struggling with our home church since coming back from university. He's at that age where he thinks he knows everything and he's fed up of being bossed about and treated like a child. Which is fair enough and I remember thinking like that at his age too. He came home from university to find a nativity play that has been written and he is expected to play the music for it. He has refused to do it unless he can write it himself which has caused all kinds of offence.

Everyone in the church is stressed at the moment. The other pastor has bitten off more than he can chew with supporting one of the people at our church who is in crisis at the moment. We have 5 dc with SN, 2 of whom don't sleep hardly at all so we are running on empty. I can't even talk to dh without the dc overhearing because the dc are always there. Dc2 is going to uni in September so we are dealing with the paperwork and stress of that as well.

I don't know what to do and at the moment I'm dreading Sunday's. Normally I would leave and go somewhere else and ds1 is threatening to do that on a weekly basis but as a pastor's wife that would be frowned upon and we could risk losing our home as we live in the house attached to the church.

Could you just take your DC to visit another church tomorrow? That's not a commitment, it's a break.

@Variationofnormal We have 5 dc with SN

Could you explain what this means? I am reading it as you have 5 children (in addition to the 20 year old and the one who is soon to be going to university?) with something called SN.

I am understanding that you have at least 2 children, maybe 7, 5 of whom live with something called SN.

He came home from university to find a nativity play that has been written and he is expected to play the music for it

The 20 year old is a young adult in his own right, already forging an independent life at university. Is he doing the 'church thing' merely because that has been his life, or has he given his life to the Lord Jesus? Either way, an expectation that he performs at his parents' church when he returns home for the holidays is unreasonable and an unfair pressure. There should at least been a conversation about it before his unwillingness caused all kinds of offence. Those who have taken offence, need to examine their hearts and change their demanding **expectations.

Dh has been going to this church since he was born and is one of the 2 pastors
I can't even talk to dh without the dc overhearing because the dc are always there.

Is there some sort of Eldership and/or Trustees of this church? Is there any sort of over-sight or mentorship of your husband and you - somebody outside of your family dynamic who could give you Christian counsel and support you? Could your older, young adult, offspring perhaps 'baby-sit' their younger siblings whilst you have a 'date night'? Is there anyone in church who could offer their baby-sitting services? Grandparents?

Dc2 is going to uni in September so we are dealing with the paperwork and stress of that as well

This period of paperwork stress is very short. We are already very close to September. It will be fine.

Normally I would leave and go somewhere else and ds1 is threatening to do that on a weekly basis but as a pastor's wife that would be frowned upon and we could risk losing our home as we live in the house attached to the church.

Maybe, just maybe this is no longer the church for you? Maybe God wants to place you elsewhere? You have made no mention of prayer or seeking God's Face in all of this and it could be that your husband's 'since childhood' season is coming to an end? To be blunt, 'the house attached' should not be the primary reason for staying, and may be making you 'blind and deaf' to the Lord prompting you to go elsewhere? I have no idea, they are just thoughts ...

Your young adult son should certainly be free to make his own choices and not be tied to a particular place of worship because that's the way it's always been for his parents.

The best advice would be for you to pray; to talk to your husband and not make childcare needs the excuse not to talk and pray together; finally, to seek the wisdom and support of a church Elder.

It is clearly a challenging and unhappy time for you, and I trust with God's help, you will find a way through this particular season.

@Thegreatestoftheseislove SN usually means special needs on MN.

Thankyou. Sorry should have clarified SN is special needs. I count the 20 and 18 year olds as our children, even though they are adults so there are 5 of them in total ranging from 20 down to 12.

Ds1 is born again/saved/given his heart to the Lord, yes.

Date night is very much needed. We normally make time to be together, talk, pray etc when the children/young adults are at school/college/uni/work but in the school holidays that doesn't really happen . We do pray, but not at the same time.

Thank you @ChristmasStars and @Variationofnormal for explaining what is meant by SN. Every day is a school day 💐

Wow! Five offspring all with special needs is a lot! I can only imagine how tiring, emotionally and physically, that is.

I am autistic and I know the 'overwhelm' well. I have learned when faced with challenges, that I cannot do everything all at the same time: it's too much and I either melt down, or go into my safe hibernation place and emotionally retreat from the world. Since giving my life to the Lord, He has made things a lot easier and the self-flagellation (metaphorical) has stopped. Through Him, all things are possible. 🙏

So, I guess what I am saying is, that in addition to the spiritual advice (pray, etc), the only thing I can advise is to break each 'challenge' down into their component parts. Do one thing at a time. Do the 'quick wins' first (university paperwork) and learn to leave the stuff that is not within your control at the foot of the Cross (the actions and choices of your young adult 'children'). The church stuff needs wider support from other leaders within the 'house'. You do not need to answer to 'man' in some things - have courage and strength in Him. You gave birth to five wonderful human beings: you can do anything! You certainly do not need the approval of others to take time out and visit another place of worship. 💐

For a period of time in 2019 I attended at a local Evangelical church as a non denominational Christian. I left there in 2020 probably and eventually moved onto the church I attend regularly today which is an Anglican church . I found this service easier autistic wise to manage at the second church. There was quite a lot of music and I found the number of songs quite difficult at the previous church mostly. There was also a lot of movement up and down and I found that a bit difficult to manage then. The church was good, but it wasn't right for me.

Some things helped me though in the first church I mentioned as someone who is diagnosed with autism with mild to some moderate levels. What I looked forward to was having things to do during the church service every now and then to engage my focus. Varying things helped like having guest speakers. I take a rosary bead to church now to try and help ground myself. This probably would be called a fidget.

If your son has autistic needs is there any way your church could be more welcoming to him if it is not already. I found the first church a bit too long for me and they agreed I could come in later, but I felt it odd to do so.

I don't know what your church is like..but is there a way for your son to be more involved like teaching the younger children. My sister does this at a church teach the youth. They have a special needs group to.

Have a talk to him about what he is may be finding difficult if anything at church.

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