13 year old wants circumcised

[allthatremainsislove]

Will preface this by saying I have 0 religious background / beliefs around this topic and neither does my son.

DS13 has asked me to help him be circumcised. Took me by surprise, but he was very open to my questions. He says his foreskin is “annoying” and gets in the way when he urinates. I’ve made an appointment with the GP and explained (to his disappointment) that it’s not for the surgery but to see if there is a medical need for it and that we can have a chat after that. I wondered if he’s under peer /comparison pressure so asked if it’s a cosmetic issue but he looked bemused when I asked him if he’s heard from friends that they have it done / maybe thinks it sounds “better” and said no, us boys don’t sit around talking about that kind of thing. I wondered if he’s watched porn and got an idea but again he said absolutely not, he’s not interested in what it looks like it’s just uncomfortable.
He asked me if the GP says no, if there are any more options (I guess privately isn’t impossible) but I’ve not told him this yet. Looking for any experience on here for anyone that has had this. He is generally terrified of drs/ needles so it must be seriously bothering him to even contemplate it, as I briefly talked him through what it entails.

When he was a baby in NICU for months I do recall a Consultant saying something about his foreskin but cannot remember what, and it paled into insignificance compared to everything else going on at the time and was never followed up. It’s been about 4 years now since I’ve seen him properly naked in eg bath so can’t objectively say if there’s any issue (though I imagine it’s not obvious just by a glance).

Single mum here and no father figure in his life so I’m doing my best to handle this on my own and desperate for any insights.

If he’s finding it ‘annoying’ there may be an issue, it’s worth him having a chat with the GP and examination to see if actually he’s got a good case for it. You’re doing the right thing listening to him and taking him to the GP.

Thank you so much. I thought I’d start with GP in case there is actually a medical issue. My concern is if they say there isn’t and he keeps asking for it, is this something some young men choose to do? Would his wishes be taken into account at 13? I do my best to teach my children that their bodies are their own and I will advocate for them, but I do worry if he has a right to ask for this if it might be something he regrets later in life. Not helped by the fact I have 0 experience of this. I rarely miss my ex now but this week he might have been a bit helpful!

I doubt NHS would agree to operate unless there was a clear medical indication for removal.

My son was circumcised at the age of 7 having suffered with phimosis and balanitis since the age of three. It wasn't a pleasant recovery.

Possibly he does not understand what is involved.

This is where I struggle as my son is generally pretty phobic of dr’s and tests / needles. While I didn’t give him an in depth explanation I did talk about it being surgery, painful recovery and involve local anaesthetic injection. He paled but said ok well I’ll just put up with that. That threw me a bit as made me realise how much he thinks he wants this to happen if he would put up with that.
I was just a bit concerned as know theres a shift from 12+ to taking the child’s views / wishes into consideration (which i absolutely agree with in principle) but slightly
worry what this would mean if he says the GP I want to be circumcised, what are the options😬I know nothing could or would be done without my consent of course but I don’t know how much his wishes will be upheld, or if it being done privately would be suggested to him

You’ve jogged my memory and he did have balanitis a good few times when younger actually (not sure if that’s relevant or not)

Can he articulate more as to what is annoying? Can he fully retract the foreskin? If it gets in the way I wonder if he can. I have two sons so this was a conversation we had as they were getting older and I made them aware that at first it is attached and then becomes easier to retract for cleaning and peeing. It doesn't matter that I don't have a penis myself I did still have this conversation with them. I did date someone who had been circumcised at birth.

My Dad had to have his foreskin removed in his 60s due to it becoming incredibly tight, it was not a great recovery either and he was very attached to the penis he had had for the last 60 odd years. Hence the reason for the chats with my own children.

There are potential complications post op too which you should look into just so you are informed. Also what is involved in the surgery and see if that puts him off if this is cosmetic. I think most men would not want anyone going near their penis with a knife. Just because he and his mates are not talking about it doesn't mean that he isn't looking at stuff online. There is a lot of misinformation out there about it being more hygenic etc.

Will he let you go with him into the room to speak to the GP?

Recurrent balanitis can cause scaring which can make the foreskin tight. He may well have a medical need.

It wouldn't be local it would need to be GA.
Children do get circumcised but it they have recurrent problems with infection and are unable to retract the foreskin.
Waiting on the NHS to get this done if he qualifies will take years potentially.
Speak to GP but maybe pay for a consult with a paediatric urologist to go through the entire process with him. GL.

Not really - he said “it’s annoying and gets in the
way when he urinates”. I did ask if he’s able to pull it back and he sort of shrugged and said “kind of” which does make me wonder if there is something anatomical going on. He said he’s happy for me to come in and he’s also happy to speak to the Dr and he examined (again unusual as normally have to drag him to a dr).
He really did seem bemused when I asked him if he’d looked at things online / porn that made him feel he’s not ok as he is, and of course he may be lying but I didn’t get that feeling and we are close and he knows he can tell me anything and I won’t overreact…. However I also know I can’t rely on this entirely!

Ah I didn’t know this. Thank you.

I think you’re doing the right thing making an appointment, he will be going through puberty now which is when foreskin issues can sometimes become more obvious.
If it turns out that there is no medical need I would just say no you don’t need it.
If he still wants it when he’s 18 he can do it then

Sounds like he has a genuine issue especially since he's willing for you to come into the appointment with you! I think you've done a great job asking those questions and he seems comfortable talking to you - wow - good job all around!

It sounds like this is a big issue for him, if the GP won't help maybe you could consider going private ? It would be worth it. (Because it sounds like its really bothering him)
Both my sons have been circumcized however they were babies at the time. (For religious reasons) Even as adults its not a Big' operation it just sounds scary. Basically just having the excess skin removed.

That’s very kind of you. Not having a confident week so this is very warming 💛

It is definitely a big issue for him, he hates drs/ tests/
bloods/ needles so to even ask to go to one and discuss surgery is massive.

I can't imagine he'd want this done unless it was really bothering him. Maybe his foreskin is tight. One of my nephews had to have it done for that reason at 9 and initially recovery was painful but after a few weeks he said it was fine.

I think this sounds genuine rather than cosmetic insecurity. You’ve done the right thing by making the appointment. You should be very proud that he feels confident enough to speak to you about this so openly.

Thanks so much for this, I wonder if this might be it.

Genuinely making me tear up🥹always worry I’m not doing enough /getting it right for him so thank you so much for this 💛

Maybe he's too embarrassed to elaborate further and 'annoying' is as far as he's prepared to go with his explanation.

yes it could be that, I think he was also annoyed by all my curious questions by this point 😂

My son was circumcised at 7 due to medical need, it’s a lot more that just having a bit of excess skin removed.
It was a painful recovery but well worth it.

When the foreskin is tight urine can get trapped under it and then dribble out over a period of time after toileting. Could this be what he means by “it gets in the way when I wee”?

Definitely possible I’d say. He did specifically mention urinating being annoying with it

Indeed.

My son had the procedure done by the NHS over 30 years ago.

Techniques may have changed since then, but in his case he was referred to an NHS general surgeon who examined him and said that scarring was visible and recommended surgery as he had been having problems since he was three, with little sign of improvement as he grew older.

He was booked in for an operation 7 weeks later during the Easter break, so did not need time off school. He had it done as a day case under general anaesthetic, which meant nil by mouth the night before and presenting at the day case ward at 7am for a late morning procedure. They were running late.

I was told I could stay with him up until the point he was under anaesthesia. He was discharged late afternoon when he was still feeling a bit wobbly.

He was cut all round and stitched with dissolving stitches.

The community nurse came to see him the following day. He developed a slight infection. He was quite uncomfortable for a day or two especially when weeing.

Look at NHS pages for information on circumcision.