Circumcision - what to tell them?

[MandiBarker]

Hello;

I was wondering if anyone could share experiences on preparing a child for circumcision - this is for an older child (3-11 years old), so please don’t yell at me about baby circumcision.

In particular:

• How much did you tell your son beforehand, what did you tell them and how much detail did you go into?
• What did you tell your son afterwards what did you tell him happened? What kind of questions did they have? Do they remember?
• What are the cosmetic differences to expect after a circumcision and how hard is it for them to get accustomed to that?
• How empowered did the doctors make you feel as to how much it was a choice for you to go forward with the procedure versus being a medical necessity, etc?
• Did you explain to them it’s permanent, if so how did you do that?

It depends - is it for medical or cosmetic reasons?

My son was about 3/4 at the time so I kept it very brief for obvious reasons. his was for medical reasons that caused him tremendous pain as he was unable to wee without extreme pain so I explained that it would stop the pain for him. I explained that the doctors and nurses would put him into a deep sleep.

the only thing I wasn’t prepared for was how sever their pain is after. Have lots of pain meds to hand

Yes, it totally depends if it's for medical or religious reasons - that would very much affect how you explain it to the child.

At this point it’s medical - after it’s caused him so many problems. However, there is a cultural dimension as everyone else in the family is done - hence we want to have the foreskin fully removed rather than leave him in some in between state.

A lot depends on whether they are 3 or 11…a big difference

My son was 15 due to being told to wait til he hit puberty and then the bloody pandemic, so he knew what was happening and why.
I don’t imagine they leave anyone in a halfway state.
We had it done privately under local anaesthetic due to the long NHS waiting list after the pandemic, I wouldn’t recommend this at all- go for the general anaesthetic.
My 8 yr old son is now on the NHS waiting list for the same reasons my older son, hoping it’s done in the next year or so.

Oh your poor boys! You are not having a lot of luck in that department in your house are you! My eldest DS is 12 and on the waiting list too, but so far my youngest (9) says he is not having any problems.
Can I ask why you say not to get it done with a local? That is what the doctor said he would have and my DS has already told us he is getting a bit worried about it (not surprisingly!)

Yes must say I'm curious why not local. Just age and knowing what is happening? My OH was fine. No terrible pain or anything, just abstinence for a while

My son’s was done for medical reasons as the foreskin was stuck very tightly all the way around with scar tissue, so needed separating very slowly and carefully all the way around. It was really stressful and upsetting for him, the local anaesthetic needed topping up during the operation as it had stopped working whilst they were still working on him.

I guess if they just need to ‘stretch and snip’ then a local might be fine but we were told that my son’s was one of the longest and most complicated they had ever done, and he really should have been under general anaesthetic for it. It was unfortunate that his suitability for local anaesthetic wasn’t assessed properly beforehand due to the pandemic, hopefully now the potential for a more complicated procedure might get spotted at an earlier appointment.

Maybe I should have said for a more complicated procedure go for a general anaesthetic, sorry.

Oh no! Your poor son, that must have been horrible for him! Has he been able to process that since and come to terms with it?
My DS has been told it will likely be local, but I hope that means it won't be as complex as you sons was!

Yes we are about 18 months on now and he has healed well physically and emotionally.
Good luck to all the young lads waiting their operation. As I was in the clinic waiting room waiting for my son, I saw
lots of boys going in and coming out soon after looking absolutely fine so I’m sure it’s fine for the majority of boys.

That is good to hear! I am glad he is ok. I imagine it was a shock for you when he came out of the room!

I am surprised to hear the clinic was so busy. You only hear about how rare it is in this country but maybe it happens more than people think

Circumcision should only ever be done for medical reasons and the child should consent to having it done, which they can when 7+.

I am terrified to have my son circumcised.
my husband is Muslim so this is obviously for religious reasons.
he is just 2 months and I have been told I should have already gone through with it by Friends who have had their babies done.
can anyone advise me on the after care and the REALITY of what’s to come? I’ve been told it’s not that bad and also contradicting comments have been made so I just would like some reassurance on the whole situation.

thankyou :)

@raegan1993 it isn't rare now in this country due to the growing BAME communities where it is extremely common. When my OH had it done, we found the clinics booked up completely at anything around school holidays. Added to that, I did read that something like 30-40% of adult procedures are choice/cosmetic.

You don't have to agree to this and the medics are now much more aware about needing both parents consent since a case a few years ago whereby a father separated from mother took the baby and brought him back circumcised. Appreciate the cultural pressure won't be easy

It should only be done for absolute medical
Reasons. It's beyond despicable to do this for any other reason. Abusive.

I hope it all works out OP if it is indeed totally medically necessary and your son (if he's on the older side consents.

Ps @raegan1993 protect your baby. Don't bloody be pressured into this.

@raegan1993 can anyone advise me on the after care and the REALITY of what’s to come

The reality is there need not be anything to come. Unless it’s for a specific medical issue where this is the strong advice of Dr’s then it doesn’t need to be done, cultural aspect for one parent or not.

I have DH and also had a previous partner decades ago, who are angry at their parents for taking this choice away from them, on the basis ‘it was the done thing at the time’. They both felt it should have been their choice to make as adults, and neither would have made it unless there had of been a medical reason for it.

OP, please get proper medical advice in regards to a partial circumcision and on whether it would be medically suitable for your child's case. It's not really an "in between" state, the foreskin is a double layer, so they're just removing a section to create a shorter, still functioning foreskin - boys are naturally of all different sizes in this regard anyway (some could fit a kinder egg in the end, some have foreskins that never stretch right to the end in the first place). Matching a relative is really not a good reason to remove more sensitive tissue than needed, and may backfire on you once he is old enough and knows what he has lost. Dad's is already much bigger and has hair, so it already looks different. Kids do accept differences as long as we explain. But anyway, please have that discussion with the paediatrician in case it's an appropriate option for your child's condition.

As for what you say to your child that depends on age. If he's old enough to read then you select some websites beforehand to look at together. You need to be honest it's going to be uncomfortable and include him in what might make him less upset during his recovery, like favourite foods, films, medicines to take the edge off, doing craft together or playing games (again age dependent). I don't think young kids need any explanation of permanence or of what they are about to permanently lose, we're talking about a necessary fix here and it's better to frame it as such. You might have trickier territory to navigate if he's closer to 11, of course.

Don't do it. You want the honesty? In a newborn the operation is usually not a big deal. The pain won't be horrendous, he's young. People think this makes it quite ok. But handing a tiny baby over to have the most sensitive part of his body removed, forever, because of peer pressure? Not the right reason to do it!

Some imams are very pushy if you ask them, so don't. Because guess what, in Islam it is not compulsory and even among those who think it should be done, it's not "required" until puberty and not forced. There's a significant number of Muslim mothers who are recognising their boys are growing up in Britain AND it's no longer necessary for "hygiene" reasons - which used to be half the argument.

If it were me I'd try to avoid the subject completely since as others said, it'll be tricky culturally to resist your "sisters" piling into the argument on you. If they start on you, say baby isn't very strong and you'll sort things out when he is bigger and stronger (this is the accepted Islamic reason to delay). But yes, make your family doctor aware that you absolutely do not want this done without your consent.

This is your opinion I wouldn’t call it despicable

Thanks but I meant advice from people who have gone through the procedure, not people just putting in their opinions on reasons why it shouldn’t be done. Thanks for all your reassurance!

Honestly I would just stand my ground and refuse.
I know it’s not that easy though.
feel for you in this situation

Circumcising little boys purely for “cultural” reason is sexual mutilation, pure and simple. And there is no excuse for it. We certainly wouldn’t do it to little girls as FGM is a criminal offence.

Okay but then why isn’t circumcision deemed as a criminal offence then?

Because it’s an accepted cultural practice in many religions. But accepted cultural practice does not mean you have to follow through. In this country the vast majority of boys are not circumcised.