My problem with her having them pulled was not with them being extracted. I was told by her that he was having 4 out which I could just about stomach. After the extraction took place she told me he'd had 6 out. How ever I then spoke with the dentist as I wanted to know what the cause was only to find out from the dentist it was actually 8 and 2 crowns that had been taken. This was all before I had seen him again. I had an issue with the lies.
You must have very little experience of going to the dentist yourself.
Quite often, when a dentist takes a good look and while the patient is numbed, it will become apparent that more work is needed than perhaps originally anticipated. If you want to be consulted on a procedure then you should take the time off work and go to the appointment. Things can happen right there with the patient in the chair that are not anticipated, even with the best X-rays and the best communicated plan of action in the world.
This can even happen during a medical operation. I had my gallbladder removed several years ago, an operation that should have taken about an hour start to finish, but I was in the theatre for three hours because the surgeon found a stone in my bile duct that he decided to push through using laparoscopic instruments. He could have stopped the laparoscopic procedure he had started, opened me right up and done it the old way in less time. He used his professional judgement.
So a predicted 4 teeth out can become 8, or crowns can be put in.
You have clearly managed to alienate and possibly frighten the mother here, with your 'heated' discussion and your use of the term 'neglect' and her knowledge that you have a stockpile of letters to show a court.
Maybe she didn't bank on you following up to check on the children's dental treatment and decided you would be less angry and less likely to threaten taking them from her if she told you it was 6?
Maybe she was flustered and upset and nervous about the dental procedure (some people are) and got mixed up? The charge of 'lying' here is very uncharitable.
You can't threaten people with such a monstrous accusation (neglect) that carries with it such a huge sanction (losing residential custody) and expect them to be open and honest.
The sanction for her in this case is potentially devastating.
Who took the initiative to get the bonding done?
You come across as aggressive and very, very controlling, very much the backseat driver.
And you have suggested very different scenarios to posters here where the relationship with the mother is concerned:
You are on good terms for the sake of the children.
You have had heated discussions.
You have mended the fences.
You are in possession of letters from dentists and are keeping your options open about going to court unless people do things your way.
There is an alternative to the bullying approach you have adopted. But perhaps you don't have the temperament needed to take a more conciliatory tone and adopt a more collaborative approach?
I also have five DCs, and come from a family of three DCs myself.
Of my own five:
Two have had extensive fillings - ten in one case and eleven in another.
The other three have had no fillings.
One who had no fillings had two extractions due to overcrowding, overbite and one tooth growing in completely out of line.
Oldest DC had wisdom teeth out at age 24.
We live in the US in a state where proof of an annual dental exam is required for all children in school, so all five have been to the dentist and to the doctor annually (annual medical also required). If work had been needed it would have been noticed and recommended.
I have also seen in the case of the child with the most fillings that the dentist can decide to do more than anticipated in the one sitting because the next patient had cancelled, and because it was apparent that the DC was very distressed by the numbing procedure. Why put my child through that more often than necessary?
From personal experience, I only know specifically how many fillings my DDs have each because I was presented with the bill afterwards and also the insurance notification about coverage (private dental insurance in the US). If you had asked me at the time of the procedure how many they had I might not have been able to tell you.
My sisters and I:
One had to have her jaw broken and reset at a dental appointment to have teeth removed due to overcrowding. Mum took her home on the bus as she did not drive. She would have called a taxi if she had realised the bus wasn't going to come but as it was, they waited for nearly two hours (one bus off, service once an hour).
She had several fillings too (not at the same appointment).
I had two teeth extracted due to overcrowding, and many fillings. I also had braces.
Other sister had her teeth bonded per advice of the dentist as her teeth were basically 'made of chalk' to use his exact phrase. She still has all of her teeth.
In both cases, my family of origin and my own DCs, all had the same healthy diet - we never had fizzy drinks as children and my own children are the same. Our water supply is fluoridated. I cook from scratch, as did my mum, and we all eat a healthy diet. In my family of origin we had home grown veggies, and my own family follow recommendations for a healthy balanced diet.
In the case of my family of origin, I had a dentist uncle who always sent us toothbrushes and toothpaste and leaflets on dental hygiene for birthdays and Christmas, and checked our teeth when he visited. Our diet was 'dentist approved'. He taught us all how to brush and floss our teeth and send us the little red tablets that show the bits missed.
The dentist we went to for treatment was my uncle's BIL, and the way he taught patients to brush teeth was to bring those who had obviously neglected their dental hygiene out to the waiting room and tell the parent that he would not see little Johnny until he took care of his teeth. So you can bet I brushed and flossed mine, and my DCs were all taught by me how to brush and floss theirs too.
As Zzzzz states - if there was overall neglect here it would have been flagged.
The dental situation could happen with the best of knowledge and intentions and good practice.