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Original poster

How to tell my friend her son has autism?

76 replies

PinkLady1989 · 22/05/2017 04:19

I'm a SENCO specialist working with children pre-school age.

My friend has 2 sons and is constantly worrying about them and there behaviour. She's moved them across the country and they've been to 3 schools already. They're 5 and 8.
I know from my training that her sons are on the autistic spectrum. She won't tell me the whole story but she's about to change there schools again because she doesn't like the way they teach her sons but I think there's more to it than that.
how do I tell her that her son's have autism? I think other proffessionals have tried to tell her gently and she's had a fit and I don't think she's told me the whole story. the younger one came home this week with a black-eye from one of the other boys and when I asked why he had been hit she didn't tell me everything and I could tell there was a bigger reason.
I'm stuck because she won't listen to me or anyone else and just keeps holding them back and not letting them get proffessional help but at the same time the next option is to tell the authorities and I obviously don't want to do that to my friend. in my place of work this would count as a type of abuse but I don't want to say that to her.
has anyone else had a similar problem or knows what to do?

thx Pinkk

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 22/05/2017 12:07

You have obviously said something already to your friend, she won't listen to me or anyone else and just keeps holding them back and not letting them get proffessional help but have done it in such a way that you have put her off seeking help.

As a SENCO, you should know that it is really important to have a good working partnership with families as well as with professionals and the child, and that how things are handled, especially in the early days, is crucial.

You should also know that you are not qualified to diagnose or even suggest to a parent that their child may have a specific issue - you can only point out what you can quantify - that a child is struggling in a particular area, or several areas, and that in order to support the child it may be beneficial to seek help.

Who are the authorities you feel you should alert?

Have the children's school suggested the children need additional support?

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:10

What about me? I"m not even a SENCO. I still told my friend that I thought her DS was on the spectrum. After about a year of worrying about it I just told her.

She got him assessed and he was.

Hairydontcare · 22/05/2017 12:21

Yes, you said that on page 1. And your point is what, exactly?

TeenAndTween · 22/05/2017 12:28

OP. Can't you just say that if you came across her children in your professional setting you would be concerned about the possibility of autism and tell the parents you recommend they ask for an assessment?

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:30

Hairy well isn't it obvious? Everyone's jumped on the OP...but why is it so offensive to say that you suspect a child has autism?

I wouldn't have said a word if I had doubts.

AyeAmarok · 22/05/2017 12:32

I think you have an over inflated sense of your own importance.

hazeyjane · 22/05/2017 12:32

Well it clearly isn't an approach that has worked for the op, user!

She has posted that she is a senco and used this to imply a certain level of professionalism, that she hasn't really displayed.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:33

Why? I mean...I'm important to my friend. I don't think I'm important for suggesting she get her son assessed.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:34

Jane it's disconcerting that OP has a habit of spelling things incorrectly but I would remind everyone here of the amount of teachers who are mentioned on MN as making glaring mistakes in letters home and in homework.

I wouldn't assume that poor spelling meant someone couldn't be a SENCO.

hazeyjane · 22/05/2017 12:36

I am not talking about her spelling, user.

CrazedZombie · 22/05/2017 12:36

I have Aspergers (diagnosed as an adult) and my mum thinks that I paid for the diagnosis and it's not true. She thinks that I got the diagnosis because I want to say that she is a bad mother and it's a result of something she did/did not do. Needless to say we don't speak as she doesn't believe that my mental health issues are real.

Some people are ashamed of a diagnosis as it makes them feel like their child is less than perfect as a result.

If he's always struggling at mainstream school perhaps you need to suggest homeschooling. She might be more open to the suggestion that state education is a one-size fits all approach and some kids can't be catered for.

Plumkettle · 22/05/2017 12:39

How horrible zombie. Glad you're finally getting the support you deserve.

CrazedZombie · 22/05/2017 12:40

I'm fine 🙂

Maudlinmaud · 22/05/2017 12:40

I've seen this myself from a professional stance and my advice is to support your "friend" and don't start threads on a forum about the situation. You shouldn't have a professional opinion in a situation such as this unless it is asked for. The hurt you could cause could be astronomical.

Hairydontcare · 22/05/2017 12:45

user1491572121 the OP has single handedly allegedly diagnosed this child, in her capacity as a professional.Hmm It is plainly nonsense to anyone who has been through this process and is quite telling that the friend isn't being forthcoming with info, it's safe to assume, because the OP is spouting silliness.

What you tell your friend is up to you. But I would counsel strongly to anyone else reading this doesn't take your sledgehammer approach. The journey of a child with autism is hard enough without helpful friends pointing out that your child may have a life long incurable condition which will affect his quality of living for ever.Angry

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 22/05/2017 12:53

Having SENCO training does not give you the right or qualification to diagnose ANYTHING.
This exect scenario happended to my DSIS at her preschool. Dnephew (age 3) has speech and language delay which he is having therapy for.
Dsis was approached by the preschool's SENCO, when she was dropping DN, who said he had autism Confused. She had literally just walked through the door to drop him off. My DM was with her (thank god, my sister worries so much about these things) and put the girl in her place.
The preschool were so apologetic and were in agreement that the SENCO should not have said autism.

I think other proffessionals have tried to tell her gently
All medical proffessionals have it ingrained in them to be clear when explaining diagnoses so if she has taken her children to be diagnosed then she will have been made aware.

If you have a GENUINE concern for their safety you are obligated to report it (working with children you should know this Confused) friend or not.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 13:00

But suggesting someone gets a child assessed isn't diagnosing.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 22/05/2017 13:02

how do I tell her that her son's have autism? Hmm

HallowedMimic · 22/05/2017 13:05

I'm dying to know where Mummyoflittledragon got the idea that people suspected of being autistic must be reported to 'The Authorities'.

If you tell her that her children are autusitic and she doesn't listen, then you tell the authorities Confused

I mean, what the actual, actual, fuck?

Maudlinmaud · 22/05/2017 13:07

User from the op, it looks like other professionals are or have been invloved. Suggesting someone have their child assessed could be very insensitive, especially if it's a friendship relationship.

bugaboo218 · 22/05/2017 13:15

Op

Are you a Nursery Nurse ( level 2 or level 3) who has been made SENCO in your setting and had a few days training? Or are you a fully qualified Early Years Teacher, who has undertaken The National SENCO award at Masters level that all SENCOs in mainstream schools have to have? There is a big difference between a few days training as a nursery SENCO put on by The LA and having a Masters in SEND.

Either way you will know as a SENCO you can suspect, but you are not qualified to diagnose autism or any other SEN condition. That requires a multi disciplinary team approach and a longer term assessment. You are letting your knowledge of SEN blur professional boundaries with your friend. You need to step back!

I do not think you should be discussing your friend's situation on a public forum either. If you have genuine safeguarding concerns regarding the children then you know you are also duty bound to report those concerns to your safeguarding lead or directly into MASH yourself.

If I was your friend and you tried to diagnose my children I would tell you to piss off!

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 13:17

Well if the OP's real...which I doubt now...sometimes people do stick their head in the sand about these things. It's nightmarish for some people...and a friend saying something can galvanise.

I told my friend that she should consider seeing the GP re her son's speech...I never came out and said I thought he had ASD.

I also encouraged her to enrol him in nursery as I felt it would be picked up there. It was.

CalmItKermitt · 22/05/2017 13:18

Bollocks are you a SENCO.

Hairydontcare · 22/05/2017 13:41

User sometimes people do stick their head in the sand about these things that is their absolute right and what they don't need is people like the OP or you for that matter, taking it upon themselves to "galvanise" them.

Funnyonion17 · 22/05/2017 13:46

Since when could a SENCO diagnose children?!

I had a few teachers say so about my DS, they were wrong. You may be too.

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