How to tell my friend her son has autism?

[PinkLady1989]

I'm a SENCO specialist working with children pre-school age.
My friend has 2 sons and is constantly worrying about them and there behaviour. She's moved them across the country and they've been to 3 schools already. They're 5 and 8.
I know from my training that her sons are on the autistic spectrum. She won't tell me the whole story but she's about to change there schools again because she doesn't like the way they teach her sons but I think there's more to it than that.
how do I tell her that her son's have autism? I think other proffessionals have tried to tell her gently and she's had a fit and I don't think she's told me the whole story. the younger one came home this week with a black-eye from one of the other boys and when I asked why he had been hit she didn't tell me everything and I could tell there was a bigger reason.
I'm stuck because she won't listen to me or anyone else and just keeps holding them back and not letting them get proffessional help but at the same time the next option is to tell the authorities and I obviously don't want to do that to my friend. in my place of work this would count as a type of abuse but I don't want to say that to her.
has anyone else had a similar problem or knows what to do?

thx Pinkk

[oldbirdy]

Ffs. I work in autism diagnosis. This issue always crops up on mumsnet, that an ed psych or senco or whoever "isn't qualified to diagnose". Of course that is indeed strictly speaking correct. Autism is a medical diagnosis and must be made by someone with medical training (weirdly, except when some mumsnetters pay for private Ed psych or speech therapists assessment and receive an ASD diagnoses. Those diagnoses are ok apparently, even though that doesn't fit with the otherwise accepted mantra that only a medic can diagnose).

No, op, you can't say her children have autism. However you can say you see aspects of their behaviours which call to mind other youngsters who were subsequently diagnosed with autism and you wonder if she has considered whether an assessment might be a good idea? You can't push it any further than that of course.

Incidentally one of our biggest problems is when schools advise parents pursue assessment but give no hints as to what they are being assessed for. This means parent comes unprepared and unknowing and has not actually given consent for an autism assessment. Whilst a school should never say 'Your child is autistic' they really ought to tell the parent that the possibility that the child might be on the spectrum is the reason for the referral.

[monkeywithacowface]

I'm not sure what the children are "at risk" of here?

Diagnosis or no diagnosis it is possible for a good school who know what they are doing to put support in place for a child who is struggling.

TBH I question your knowledge and "training" based on the way you write your posts. No SENCO or educational professional I know would repeatedly use the word "tested" in this context.

[mynotsoperfectlife]

A senco who can't identify the correct use of 'there and their.'

How jolly encouraging.

[blaeberry]

OP why do you think her ds is being bullied because he is not doing well at school? I was bullied at school because I was top of the class. If her ds has ASD then the bullying is much more likely to be due to difficulties with social communication and anyone with any training in ASD should know that. Remember also, while it is fairly simple to learn the basic diagnostic features of ASD before you even begin to consider assessing whether a dc has these features you must also learn all the possible differential diagnoses.

[DonkeyOaty]

WTF?

Abuse? Being "shopped" to the authorities (whoever they might be)?

Okay if anyone reading this has concerns about their child please don't think that the OP is talking anything but bobbins.

[1nsanityscatching]

You can't diagnose autism,you don't have the qualifications required. It is always a parent's decision whether or not to pursue an assessment or diagnosis. The children aren't within your remit so it's not your business.
If the child has a black eye due to bullying at school there is no justification for that regardless to his needs identified or not. You should be advising the parent to be asking for the school's anti bullying policy and suggest she contacts Kidscape so that she can ensure the bullying is addressed.

[CrochetBelle]

MNHQ did you look into the reports on this thread?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Don't know but I've just seen her on another thread...

[Wonders71]

fatalieporkman is that you?

[Wonders71]

fatalieporkman is that you?

[WanderingTrolley1]

I think you have an overinflated sense of self, OP!

[notangelinajolie]

You want to tell the authorities?! My goodness, you say it like Autism is some kind of notifyable disease. This isn't your call - leave this mum alone.

[nooka]

My ds's primary school SENCO told dh that not only did ds have autism, but so did I. It was extremely unprofessional. ds is dyslexic and quirky but otherwise NT, as am I. I was glad to see down thread that school SENCOs are apparently better trained now as she was really pretty useless.

OP you seem to be backtracking. Is your concern that your friend's child is being bullied - an issue about his school surely, not her parenting? Moving schools because they can't keep your child safe seems like good parenting to me. I'd not keep a child of mine in an environment where they were given a black eye. Five year olds should not be being thumped at school!

[Mu123]

My friend is a trained but not working as a early years practitioner?! From 3ish it was glaringly obvious to me from work and personal experience that her ds has autism, I spoke to my dm about it and decided not to say anything in the end, he was diagnosed a year or so later.

I actually didn't think she would appreciate it at the time. Have spoken to her about it now, and she says she probably would have told me to fuck off.

[Funnyonion17]

For some children specialist don't even make a formal diagnosis as it wouldn't benefit. Well that's what I was told by the educational psychologist. Unless the children are suffering due to the mother's total lack of awareness over the situation then it's not abuse. You can't go round diagnosing other peoples kids and if they don't agree, then calling it abuse. During a diagnosis for Autism observations by specialists and input from the parents is used. It does seem like because she disagrees with you, you believe she must be wrong.

No offence but what are you hoping to acheive? She's taken the child and had a diagnosis, which you reckon she's now in denial about. It almost seems like your pissed off she isn't interested in your professional opinion.

[Maudlinmaud]

The abuse thing is fucking daft. I hope you where pulling our leg with that nonsense. I would be very honest with your friend, hard as that may be and tell them you have posted on a forum asking for advice in relation to her dc.

[Hairydontcare]

In your OP you've said that "this would constitute a form of abuse". What would?

Do you think that refusing to pursue a diagnosis is abusive??

[hazeyjane]

What authorities are you considering contacting wrt her children?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Because the op says a) she is a SENCO b) talks about abuse c) alerting the "authorities" in her op. Ok, I shouldn't have believed her perhaps.

[PinkLady1989]

I'll clarify here. I work with children with special needs along with other children. She has asked my opinion and I have said, gently, that there would be great benefits to having her children tested for any learning difficulties, not specifically autism because she is so worried about their education. She had him tested and they. confirmed that there was a definite problem (this was a few years ago) but she didn't want to take it further, she just changed schools and said they were wrong. She told me that the oldest had been hit at school that he was being bullied but didn't tell me why he was being bullied. I suspected he is very unhappy and being bullied because he's not doing well at school. I asked her what the school thought about his education and I think that the new school have told her that he needs assessing for special needs but she refuses to have him tested again.

some of the posters have had some good advice about how to tell her. I'm confused as to whether it is any of my business and whether I'm just being over protective because I know how frustrating it is from the other side??

[HallowedMimic]

Mummyoflittledragon what gives you the impression that the children are 'at risk'?

Thinking a child might have autism isn't something 'the authorities' need alerting to by random, apparently ill-educated strangers (the OP).

[Hairydontcare]

The OP hasn't posted on any other threads.

Funny, that.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ok a lot has been made of my saying authorities. I was coming from the belief that op is a trained SENCO and the children are at risk so she would be obliged to report. I was meaning an official body such as the current school SENCO, a GP or appropriate agency. Not the old bill or Theresa May. I don't expect the mother to be taken away in handcuffs ffs. I have ME/CFS so sometimes I cannot find the correct words so can you please stop laughing at me.

[IntoTheDeep]

So if, in your professional role as SENCO, you suspected a child had ASD, how would you go about raising concerns with the parents?

Just wondering, because when my DC's nursery raised concerns over my DC's development, the teacher was very clear that they weren't qualified to make a diagnosis or second guess what kind of SEN my DC may have.
They talked about their specific concerns, they strongly advised we ask our GP for a referral to get our DC assessed by a qualified professional, but they quite rightly refused to say which, if any, possible diagnosis' they suspected.