Some Fretwork and the Interminable Christmas Play at the Chalet School

[EmilyAlice]

Now girls, line up and listen because this term is a busy one. Firstly we are combining our hobbies club and the Christmas play, so we will need our fretworkers to get busy on the scenery, some beautiful découpage for decorations, our nimble-fingered needlewomen on costume duty and some scrapbooks for - er...
Now one other thing girls. As you know the Chalet School has moved from the Tyrol, to Guernsey, to Armishire, to some island or other and thence to Switzerland.
This term we have moved again and the first thing I want you to do is to find out where the bloody hell we are....

Disaster! The baby angels made a little too merry in Mushy Pea this afternoon and now they're singing some songs with very strange words and they don't seem to be able to walk straight, much less caper merrily round the stage. Quick, fetch Joey, someone! She's the only one who'll be able to sing them back to their senses. I'll have a quick fag while I wait.

Overture and beginners please.
Mary, Joseph, reindeers 1, 2 and 3.
Scene: A lowly stableyurt 1,000 miles from Bethlehem.
Hark! Do I hear the rounded golden tones of a 98 year old with earphone plaits?

Enter das engelkind bubchen, as tender and rosy a little love as ever, even at 92. See how prettily she humps the kapok! I'm not quite sure why the audience are howling with mirth, tears streaming down their faces as they slide gently to the floor, but hey, I guess it's compulsory on these occasions.

Has anyone been set on fire yet? I'm standing by with my bare hands ready if necessary.

Where are the reindeer? What do you mean they have another assignment? Who needs reindeer at Christmas?
My troupe will shortly perform the sabre dance - cue Russian dance music from the Nutcracker. Dum diddle dum diddle dum dum dum....

And I have my baton at the ready so that I can keep on conducting while the yurt goes up in flames, thus keeping everyone calm and preventing tragedy.

EmilyAlice, I think your troops might need to go on a bit earlier than planned. The baby angels have passed out and although Joey's offered to carry on singing for the next hour and a half to fill the gap, I think it might get just a little - how shall I put this - samey?

On we go - sabres at the ready. Remember what we rehearsed out on the steppes troops. Dum diddle dum....
No, no troops, don't do that nooooo

Ladies and gentlemen the Chalet School is in mourning. The unthinkable has happened. Avert your eyes baby angels.
The fearsome wicked troops of Genghis Khan have ......
cut off Mrs Maynard's plaits.

Luckily the baby angels are still unconscious so they're blissfully ignorant that tragedy has befallen us. I'll just get rid of this lighted ciggy backstage somewhere and rush to comfort the denuded one.

What's that strange light I see coming from behind the stage? Is it a star, rising over the steppe? Erm, I don't think stars are supposed to be quite so flickery.

Come on girls. Sing, sing! Silent Night, Holy Night. Otherwise everyone will panic about the pillaging, the fire, the baby angels being drugged and kidnapped. Sing, sing!

Why do I feel like crying? Is that smoke in my eye?

Are the coaches ready to take us to Sicily?
Can the still be converted for limoncello?

I'm pleased to report we managed to save all the baby angels. They were all bathed, dressed and given some special milk. Not one of them woke up during the process. All now aboard a coach, except Joey who's having to travel on foot via a cave. We're still singing.

I missed the play, I'm so sorry for letting the school down like that. I'm sure everyone missed my starring role as 5th villager.

I'm sure the distillery will dismantle into a small package that we can transport easily, even if we end up having to travel with Jo via a cave. Of course, it is made entirely from delicate glass elements, but what could possibly go wrong?

I've done it! I've saved the distillery!

Sings merrily to keep everyone's spirit up.

"Wee fish ewe a mare egrets moose
panda hippo gnu deer"

Buon Natale a tutti!! So it's hey for Italy and the mafia as we leave the smoke-blackened yurt complex behind us.

I just wanted to gloat let you know that I've got The Guides at the CS and Deira Comes to the CS, both GGBP fill-ins, for Christmas, so I'm afraid I won't be traveling on the motor coaches. I'll be huddled in the wreckage of Mushy Pea, reading under my covers with no bed jacket on.

Let's hope Matey has gone with the rest of the school and doesn't find me, otherwise I'll never hear the end of it!

Arancini, limoncello, that nice fish restaurant on the beach! A handsome Dottore powering his way across the bay. What do you mean a dottore is a policeman?

Oh dear Rue I fear Matey will spy those gaily-jacketed first editions a mile off!

Happy Christmas, all - and congratulations Cheddar on a well-earned Margot Venables Josephine M Bettany prize! And goodness me, at this stage of the day am I ready for that distillery...

Rue, may I join you in Mushy Pea? I have been given Juniors at the Chalet School..the new fill in!!

I've also got Juniors. Suggest we head to Mushy Pea and lock the doors from the inside so that no interfering prefects (they're so on the spot) can come and hustle us out onto the hockey pitch.

Latest news from Joey's cave - she's started work on next year's Christmas play. I hear it's going to be her most spectacular and most moving yet, so we can get casting as soon as we're settled in our new home.

Fantastic, I'm sure the play will be just the thing. Italians are very emotional, they're sure to be weeping before the first carol's sung. Think of what we'll collect for the San!

In fact, don't forget the Sale - we simply must have a decent turn out. I've had the distillery going full time, but for some reason don't have that much to show for it. Still, the tasting has gone well so I think we can all agree that it's a sure fire winner for the bottle tombola.

Guides is quite a good read so far, I'm finding it interesting partly because I'm a Guider (or leader in charge, as we are called nowadays) myself. Foxlease where Madame goes to train actually still exists and is used by Guiding for all sorts, and will hold our national archive when there's enough money to house it properly.

In fact, don't forget the Sale - we simply must have a decent turn out.

Latest from the cave - in between working on the next Christmas play, Joey is churning out charming jigsaw puzzles for the sale. It's not like there's much else to do in the cave with only her solid lump of comfort for company.

Having said that, I wonder what Joey used as the base don't think that's the right term but you get what I mean for her jigsaws. Presumably you didn't buy the board with the picture, just to cut it up? Or did you? I think it's more likely that you had to draw/paint the illustration yourself, but we know that Joey wasn't much of a painter, so did someone else do it for her? And do we ever see Joey learning to fretsaw?

I lent my copy of Guides to a former colleague who wasn't a CS fan but was keen on the history of guiding so I thought she'd find it interesting. She never gave it back, and she's left now. I think it's lost to me. I seem to remember liking it - isn't that the one where we see a young Joey and Madge visiting Pretty Maids at the start?