Did anyone choose not to do IVF and accept being childfree?

[Cupofhappyness]

I’m at a crossroads with infertility. I was always a little on the fence in regards to having children- but more so because I’ve seen the not so rosy side of motherhood- but despite reservations decided I wanted to be a mother and have a child with my DH.

Well we have struggled to have a DC for a number of years and we have now been referred for IVF.

I’m not sure I want to go down the IVF route for a number of reasons, including that I had reservations over pregnancy/motherhood in the first place.

I want to hear if anyone chose not to do IVF, knowing they may stay childfree and how that decision sits with them now?

If I fit the criteria my condition meant I could get three rounds of IVF free on the NHS unfortunately I don't think i will be able to reduce my weight enough before I age out. There are other considerations but we haven't/won't be doing IVF and there is no other way to have an unaffected child.

Me. Only married 2 years when dh diagnosed with cancer. Chemo he received resulted in infertility so before he started it he was sent to St Mary's in Manchester to give sperm samples to be frozen for future IVF. No one asked me how I felt about this, it was just taken for granted that this was what I wanted. Dh was at death's door but kept dragging himself to Manchester to provide a decent sample. I told him not to bother, went with him the first time then let him go on his own after that as I thought it was ridiculous. The hospital said they'd put us on the IVF waiting list as it could be years before it was our turn. I declined and made some story up about us paying for it privately if we decided to go ahead after his treatment and they backed off. I was newly married, dh had been told he had very advanced cancer and I didn't even know if he'd survive. I was sick of hospitals and knew we had a long road ahead of us involving hospital stays and visits. I couldn't face thinking about IVF, the treatment and the possible disappointment of it not working, I had enough to cope with. I'd had a friend who went through IVF which didn't work and nearly broke her marriage up. All I could do could think about was dh and whether he'd survive. Everyone just assumed we'd have IVF and I kept getting it rammed down my throat, success stories etc. I just knew I couldn't face it. In the end we adopted, which was definitely the right decision for us.

Aplogies again. I have asked for my posts to be deleted.

We were told at 25 that if we wanted children it would probably have to be ICSI, and that we should do it soon as success rates were lower after 30.

I told dh that if it was now or never as far as I was concerned it would be never, and that regardless I would not do IVF. But was willing to contemplate adoption.

We ended up conceiving naturally 10 years later, round about when we started talking about whether adoption was a possibility. He is now nearly 20. And we had ds2 when I was 38, also naturally.

Just to provide another view point- after a few cycles of IUI we’ve got pregnant on our first IVF cycle and first embryo transfer 💙 it
doesnt always fail.

The question the OP asked was “Did anyone choose not to do IVF and accept being childfree”. Why are people who have had successful IVF replying?

I think there are two perspectives here. If you aren't that bothered about having a child, indeed feel, on reflection, that this was the life that you wanted, then you must go with that feeling. This is your life, your body, your decision.

But, if part of this is the fear that IVF is going to be a terribly arduous experience, that really isn't necessarily the case. Don't let that put you off. From memory, each of our IVF cycles involved about two to three weeks of regular visits the clinic (for blood tests and ultrasounds, while taking the injections), then a wait of a week or so (between the harvesting of the eggs, then waiting to see how many embryos we had, then waiting for them to develop, then reinsertion) then waiting for the pregnancy test. So five or so weeks in its entirety. Not the most pleasant weeks, with all the blood tests, but also no more than mildly uncomfortable. And they passed so quickly.

We had two rounds. The first ended in an early miscarriage, the second led to our son.

I so often read that the process is so difficult, but it can be not difficult at all. (Clearly, the psychological impact is far worse if you go through cycles and are not successful, but the success rates are massively better than they used to be, and vary significantly depending on the nature of the challenge).

I don’t like the expression “child free“. I didn’t have children because of circumstances and I don’t consider myself free of them in the way I was free of mice, after a concerted effort, or free of dandruff. I am without children. It’s not a liberation.

We were offered ivf on the nhs after a few years of trying and failing. We were on the fence but used it to draw a line under things. The whole process only took about three weeks, it didn’t work. It really wasn’t a big deal except I got all my teenage spots back in the same places! That was eight or nine years ago now and we are happily child free. I had enough savings to pay for a few rounds of ivf privately but we opted not to and have no regrets about that. My sister, who had the same issues, did go the private route and eventually got two amazing kids but it was hard work to get there, it took a big mental and physical toll, and she had a good bit of post natal depression too.

I was offered two rounds of IVF on the NHS and my partner and I have decided to do them- but we won’t pursue private IVF if these two rounds don’t work.

If we had more funds available or weren’t eligible for NHS help, I’m not sure what we would do. I think I would want to do a few rounds just to feel we had tried everything, as we really want children. But from my own experiences so far, I think two rounds would be enough and then I would want to stop. I have found it more emotionally challenging and physically difficult than anticipated.

I can empathise with your feeling of not being sure- when I was 30 and started trying with an ex, I knew very little about babies and motherhood etc. I have seen how difficult it can be from friends and family and don’t feel I am as rose tinted any more. However, I still would like to have a child with my partner if it is possible, so I am doing the IVF in order to find out (for medical reasons I have been told there is no way it would happen naturally).

I am confident I can have a happy and fulfilled life with my partner if it doesn’t work, which is maybe why I know I wouldn’t want to go down the endless rounds route if that became the only option.

Wishing you all the best. It’s a difficult and isolating position to be in (I have found anyhow!).

@Beesd I’m really sorry you had to go through this and that there wasn’t any support available. That must have been so hard! 💚

I think things have come a long way since then with the likes of Jody Day, Elizabeth Day, Ruby Warrington, etc. and online communities such as Gateway Women or the Childless Collective. I’ve found these resources incredibly helpful and I’m so grateful to these women for sharing their stories and for raising awareness.

Thanks, I have moved on since, but I remember how dispiriting it was to not read about other options and happy people without children. I found Gateway women a little bit useless, as it was too focused don grieving and not on the way forward, plus it was not free and felt very US focused. In the end focusing on work (I am now a senior professor and can fully support my junior scientists, something that would not have happened with children), skills, and life in general.

What I find baffling though, is all these selfish women posting in this thread about their IVF success, there are other places for that on this forum. Just because it happened yo you, doe into mean it will happen to the TO. Hope is the worst! Better to be realistic and then perhaps pleasantly surprised if you are one of the <10%. There is a strong selection bias among those who were successful with IVF, so those posting here are likely the small minority.

I started ttc in the early 90s, when the internet had barely got going, infertility was still a very taboo subject and IVF on the NHS was barely available and hugely controversial. It was talked about as a “lifestyle choice”. As if infertility is a fucking lifestyle choice FGS. It really was a very sad, isolating and lonely place to be. I remember trying to set up a support group under the aegis of Infertility UK and asked my GP ‘s surgery if they would display a poster about it. The receptionist flatly refused.

And yes when we stopped IVF I wanted to hear stories about people who had successfully come to terms with it not working. Acceptance and embracing childfree life are viable options yet they are rarely mentioned.

We were told around 20 years ago that ICSI was our only chance of conceiving. We had a very happy life with lots of travelling and thought really hard about whether to proceed. At the time we had one round offered on the NHS and were told a 1 in 3 chance of success. We agreed to try a maximum of 3 rounds to give ourselves the full odds. For us it worked on the 2nd round. However if it hadn't I think that definite deadline of maximum 3 attempts would helped draw a line under it. I didn't want to become obsessed. I also didn't tell anyone that we were going through IVF as I couldn't bear the pity if it didn't work.

Acceptance and embracing childfree life are viable options yet they are rarely mentioned.

I agree. I think there should be more resources available to help people come to terms with a child free life.

I recall reading some time ago that in Israel IVF is offered over and over again until there is success. I often wonder if this is always the best way forward as some women will be disappointed over and over again. It can't be good for the woman's mental health.

It can’t be that good for physical health either to have your ovaries stimulated that much. It doesn’t surprise me re Israel, they are one of the most pronatalist countries in the world. It’s extremely difficult to be childfree by choice there, parenthood is regarded as a civic/religious/national duty.

OP - I wasn’t sure whether to respond, I have seen some insensitivity here but my comments may help so I will.

I had 10 IVF rounds.

The physical aspect wasn’t great but the mental and emotional rollercoaster destroyed me and to an extent my husband at times (we had many losses). The limbo of not knowing what my life was going to look like and being out of control was a headfuck.

My career was affected. My marriage came out stronger but only because we were already strong and had therapy along the way. It affected friendships and family relationships (some for the better to be fair).

There were many times we should have stopped but I just couldn’t, I was obsessed.

I’ve some ppl around me who are struggling with IVF and one marriage breakdown - it’s so very hard.

I’m out the other side, if I could do my time over the only thing I’d change is to still job hop and risk time off for medical etc. I stayed because I was highly respected and trusted but it restricted my advancement.
I’m fine, it was worth it but I’m not the person I would have been without those years (I call it my lost decade!).

Just putting the reality of not being able to stop out there.

Yes we just recently made this decision. Tried for a few years, went for tests, told everything looks fine and to try IVF. I don't want to go through it. I don't think I'm that desparate to have children, and so we're making other plans for our lives now. If it happens we'd still be very happy though.

Thank you for sharing this. That must have been a very hard decade for you and the unknown is something we’ve grappled with- in fact I think this is one of the hardest parts…staying in a job ‘just in case I get pregnant’, staying in an area I know would be good to raise children in, not taking risks which I would do if I definitely knew we wouldn’t conceive…

I completely agree and this is where my post came from, looking to those who are living a happy childfree/less life (if not initially by choice).

I think it’s complete preference- some people see themselves as childless or childfree (or another term).

I watched a friend go through rounds of IVF and drive herself mad, so when I didn’t/couldn’t get pregnant I decided not to go down the ivf route. I was emotional enough as it was. Plus we’d have had to pay as my husband had a child already, and it was expensive for us. So I never had children. But I try to focus on the good things in my life. And I’ve mostly been ok. I’d have à wobble and a cry (in private) every time a friend got pregnant. But I got back up again. I’m years past being able to have children now, and the ache has long subsided.

I ttc for 7 years. I had 4 natural pregnancies and then did 5 rounds of ivf and had 2 more miscarriages. I had a breakdown and the physical and mental toll was horrific. It very nearly broke me.

I have come a long way and am at peace with the decision to live childfree. We actually still have 3 frozen embryos but I have zero desire to use them and have no emotional tie to them.

Infertility, ttc and ivf consumed me for so long and I'm finally free and this life is not a consolation prize, or plan B. Its the life I'm living and I'm finally content with that.

I decided not to do IVF and adopt instead. Absolutely no regrets.