I need talking down please

[Nibbles83]

All my friends bar 1 has kids or is pregnant. I’m the only one in my family without kids. My work friend is pregnant and my best friend is also pregnant and basically I can’t cope. I have no children, husband has 3. No chance for children now as I’m past that age and my husband had the snip and is also 10 years older than me.
I feel like I’m going mad, gutted that I’ve missed the boat. Basically I didn’t meet anyone I wanted kids with until I met him but I didn’t become broody until my stepdaughter had her child last year.
I feel like my life isn’t worth much as I don’t have children and I can barely cope with all my friends having kids (the friend who doesn’t also regrets not having kids!). My cousin is also pregnant.
i can’t cope with this. It’s not reasonable for me to have children now as it just wouldn’t feel right for the child and a selfish move so it’s not an option. But how do I deal with the regret which is eating me alive!

Your worth is absolutely not driven by whether or not you have children. Whoever the people in your life are the relationships you have with them and the contribution you make to their lives matter just as much as someone else’s to their kids.
I think if we are honest we all have moments where we regret the path we didn’t take and the things we didn’t do.
The simple truth is if you had made other choices years back then while you might have kids today there would be other things you didn’t have. If you really get down to it would you want to entertain the possibility of sacrificing all the bits of your life that are positive for a child not knowing what they would be like and how your relationship might be? It’s so normal to think “If I’d just done x/y” and to be sad for the path you didn’t take but you sometimes forget on a different path lots of things would change and you wouldn’t be quite the same person because our experiences shape us.
Are there things you love in your life? If so maybe focusing energy on them might help you work through this and feel more content?

Its so hard when you feel like everyone around you is pregnant. I wanted children but can't have any because of my disability and I get so envious of others who can just have a child without all the angst I feel around it.

But I have decided that life is wasted on regrets. Ok I couldn't have what I wanted, but I do have a lovely dh, a nice house, hobbies and I can sleep 9h a night and prioritise myself and my health.

I think you need to make the decision to accept it and let it go. I'm not saying it's easy at all, but maybe speak to a therapist or someone about it who can help you come to peace with it all?

Good luck op, it's awful and horrible. I am met with suspicion by many people for not having kids, and people always ask me about kids without realising what a painful subject it is for me. I wish people would realise it's not always easy for everyone.

What about your step children? Can you become more involved in their lives?

Remember your worth isn't based on whether you have kids at all. As a society we treat childless women appallingly but I think you need to find a way to realise your own worth is down to yourself instead of expecting it to come externally. If you're at peace with yourself, nobody can touch that.

Therapy had been invaluable to me and I really recommend it. That or read about childless women who have done other amazing things, like Dolly Parton, or Jo Frost(supernanny)! They are both absolute icons from their own achievements and the fact they don't have children is irrelevant.

Anyone who thinks you're a failure of a woman for not reproducing is a misogynist, narrow minded idiot who you don't need in your life.

You've got this!!

Thank you for replying so fast 😊 It’s helpful to have another insight as I’m so in my head with it all! I’m a working professional with things in place to clear by debt by Nov and looking forward to a holiday in September. My husband is wonderful and so are my stepchildren and I consider myself very lucky 🍀 But I want to fill my soul, not my void but I don’t know how 😕 I feel always like something is missing and I guess I need to place gratitude on my life as it is.

Your basing your worth on your ability to birth and girl, we are so much more than that.

You have kids, you didn't birth them but you have them, you hold parental responsibility due to your position in your partners life.

Lean into it, create those relationships you want.

Op the grass isn’t always greener.

I have 2 kids and quite frankly, we love them but we are miserable and exhausted and constantly worried about everything. And it has really hit my physical and mental health as well as my bank balance.

Also it’s quite rare to find couples where the mum doesn’t carry most of the mental load.

Ah it’s hard as it’s different for everyone. I do have kids and I admit they do give us a lot but they are not the only thing I my life that feeds my soul. For me other things are:

Volunteering - I’m a cubs leader, on a panel at work that arranges events and fundraising & I do some mentoring for late teens that have grown up in care. All of it makes me feel genuinely useful as while I enjoy my corporate job it doesn’t always feel like I’m contributing much to the world doing it

Theatre - I’m not that creative but watching people doing something super creative live and just being in a space where everyone is having that experience together feels really special

Cold water swimming - My thing to reset me when everything just feels overwhelming and I need to reset

I think that feeling is to some extent linked to the lovely sounding but slightly toxic idea that women can “have it all” which can feel like a challenge to “do it all” or a judgement when we don’t. For me overall the biggest help is to remember being constantly happy isn’t that realistic but striving to accept some bad bits are inevitable, acknowledge that is really shit/unfair & it’s fine to be sad/angry about them but equally to embrace and enjoy the moments of joy make me feel more settled and content. It sounds so wanky when I write it out but it does help me. I hope you can find the thing that helps you because it’s horrible getting stuck in a rut of second guessing yourself about anything but particularly big things x

Consider that you have mid life blues, and you are pinning them on not having children, if you had children, you could be regretting the career or the travel you didn't do! you could have had a couple when you were younger and posting on here that they only wont you for childcare!

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman has come up with lots of good ideas, also if possible make friends that are closer to your stage in life ... I know lots of 45 -60s that are very social, no kids or grown up,

And please don't think this is sarky but have you seriously considered a dog? Yes, I'm fully aware there are pros and cons, but worth a consider.

Thank you ☺️ I have a good relationship with my stepchildren (all adults) and I’m proud and happy about that. I feel like I need more for me, I’ve got a good job but my social side has dived a bit over the years since my friends had kids, which I do understand but it leaves me a little lonely.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation also and I feel you in respect of social pressures!

I hear you OP but I’m a mum to two adult children and quite honestly it’s been really hard work. Our DD has MH issues and it can be draining. My other child lives away and whilst we get along, we’re not particularly close. It’s not the relationship I’d dreamed of. Sometimes life goes another way to how we want and we work through these hard feelings.
There’s some great advice on here, but please know you’re not alone with this.

Thank you and sorry to hear you’re having a tough time 🥺 I appreciate hearing from another perspective as I have it in my head that kids are all that matter and I’m lacking for not having them.

I even feel disconnected from my husband as we don’t have children but he has 3 with his ex-wife. I feel almost in-anchored.

Find some childfree friends. Mine are my rocks.

You made really good choices for really good reasons, at the time you made them.
That’s the best any of us can do and a damn sight better than loads!

I have felt adrift at different times for different reasons. I find certain activities really grounding and nourishing. Plants, food and animals basically.
They give me something nothing else does. There’s something about survival in them. Keeping things, including me, alive.

To a lesser extent singing and crafts, but that’s a bit less of a survival issue!

Focus in on something that brings comfort.