Does anybody have the urge to take care of something

[Necoblast]

I don't have children so I don't know if some people without kids get the same thing or if I'm the weird one. I was thinking of fostering kittens but there is no room in the house for kittens or cats so I can't do that. Is it bad that I want something to rely on me for survival? If I don't volunteer at an animal shelter for example, they would just choose another applicant (there are many applicants for the animal shelter) and then the animals would be cared for anyways. But if for example, I see a kitten in a dumpster or something, it would rely on me to rescue it from the dumpster because there is no guarantee that somebody else will see it and rescue it. If I volunteer in a position that can be immediately replaced by one of the many applicants waiting for a position to volunteer, then it feels like I am making no difference because somebody will do it anyways. (Of course it would be different if the local animal shelter was understaffed)
Is this why people become parents? Is this my “mother instinct” kicking in and trying to tell me to have a baby, or am I secretly some kind of psychopath for wanting some helpless animal or thing to rely on me for survival? I don't just want to take care of something, I want to give it a good life that it would not have otherwise. Is this a selfish thing to want? does anybody else relate? Is it wrong of me to feel this way?

You are 18?

Yes

I have this all the time. I’ve ended up with 7 indoor cats after one was run over. I’ve had cats, mice, rats, rabbits and guinea pigs for decades of my life. I have wild mice I feed. I have two nip trained ferrets. Dd currently has two male rats (that I take care of).
plus school pets over the 6 week holidays, I have a bearded dragon and a hamster in my living room, two female rats are coming when the Animal Care teacher goes on holiday for ten days. I’ve had varied species for weeks at a time from school. I love learning how to look after animals I’ve had no prior experience with and bonding with them.
I don’t think you’re the same way inclined as I am.
You cannot estimate how any given pet will react to you. And you’re not looking to go into it for their sake, just yours. You’re likely to be disappointed, so I wouldn’t recommend it to you. It’s about them and their specifics, not you wanting to fill a gap for yourself. I have a kid but have had a wide variety of pets my whole life, she’s learnt alongside me which is lovely

I don't think I would be able to take care of another animal, I don't plan on fostering any because despite wanting to give them a good life, I probably could not. I can't even remember to water the plants, let alone an entire animal.
How exactly would one go about living with the hole that is inside them? Should it be accepted or is it one of those things that should be dealt with another way? Perhaps I should accept the guilt as punishment for being selfish…

Ok also I'm not looking for sympathy I do not feel sad or anything, I realized the way I worded it might have come off as “sympathy farming” which oops nope I want to hear about your experience, not mine. Also I write this instead of editing it in because the website is so laggy it won't let me edit my replies

Have you considered volunteering at an animal shelter? You would have structured supervised interacting with animals which might suit you better than fostering.

I don't want to be patronising but you're very young. As a parent of adults at 18 I'd hope you were thinking of travel, education and a career, not DC or caring for anything else.
At 18 I wasn't ever having DC. At 24 I was married and had DC1. I then, supported by DH, wanted only one DC. Ten years later following the loss of several family members suddenly (including my teenage DB) in a short period of time, I changed my mind. Again supported by DH we had two more DC at aged 34 and 36.
They're now all adults. DC2&3 are very close to their much older DB, his wife and their baby niece. DD is not much older than you. She is doing a Masters degree in mathematical physics. I don't expect her to be thinking of looking after anything for at least ten years, and even then she wants a rescue dog. I know it's likely she'll change her mind too.

I do not know what is “DC”

DC darling children.

I don't plan to have children

Yea you do seem to have a bit of a mothering instinct in you from what you describe.

I wonder are you autistic and/or in a situation where maybe you feel a bit unloved or in need of someone to provide you with the same thing you are looking for?

maybe the hole is someone mothering you and not the other way round.

You seem very sure at 18 about not having children. Whats behind that choice?

I’m 52, I never wanted children either & all my caring instincts are channelled into cats - the ones I fostered & now the one I adopted.

If you’re only 18 you’ve got loads of time to get into cat fostering once you’re settled with your own home. Cat rescues are crying out for volunteers at the moment.

If you feel you’ve got a hole inside you & someone’s talking nonsense about it being ‘selfish’ to not have kids, I think you’ve got enough to be going on with.

I'm another who has cats. I suppose I do 'mother' them, I call myself 'mummy' when I talk to them (although I know that's hugely disparaged on Mumsnet).

OP, a lot of people who have cats jokingly talk about 'the cat distribution system' but there is some truth in it - the right cat(s) for you come into your life at the right time - you find one another.

I was 24 when I got my first cat. At 18 it wouldn't have worked because I was off to university. I would say 18 is a little young to tie yourself to the commitment of an animal - a cat can live to 20 years or more, although obviously there are plenty of older cats looking for loving homes, you don't have to get a kitten.

Volunteering at a shelter might be nice for you if it's feasible, and would certainly stand you in excellent stead to look after a cat of your own when the time is right.

The 'hole' in your life that you described wouldn't necessarily be filled by an animal, or even children were you to decide to have them - it can be hard to diagnose the source of such 'holes' until you fill them but they usually point to a need for fulfilment in some way. That isn't automatically a need to nurture or mother - it could be a more general need to do something 'worthwhile' and might be filled by such things as a fulfilling job, gaining a qualification, finding a hobby you can throw yourself into, finding friends you really gel with.

18 is very young, don't feel you are lacking because you haven't quite found your niche in life. Follow your instincts and see where they take you. Your late teens and 20s are very much about exploring the sort of life you want, and then your 30s are more about settling into it, although it's never too late to change your life if you want to.

It depends on how old you are and why you are childless. I'm 76 and have been unable to have children since I was in my 30s. I have never had the urges you are describing, although we did get a dog a couple of years ago and I loved having him around. But it set off my DH's COPD so we had to rehome him unfortunately.

OP, a lot of people who have cats jokingly talk about 'the cat distribution system' but there is some truth in it - the right cat(s) for you come into your life at the right time - you find one another.

Ha. Kitty was my 9th foster over 2 years & when she arrived I had no idea she was going to be staying.

It’ll wear off post menopause, which means nothing to you now at your stage in life, but yes it’s instinctive .
Try not to have any responsibilities that might curtail travel or fun for now would be my advice.

I didn't want children either at 18, and that didn't change, but I also didn't have a great urge to take care of anything or anyone in general.

What I would say about this stage of life: don't tie yourself down with any kind of long-term commitment. This time is for travel, study, work, fun, trying things out, finding out what you want to do in life. You won't ever have all the answers so don't expect to now.

You might well find you derive great fulfilment in life from helping others, people or animals, but asking them to fill a void for you is asking too much.

I don't believe you want children or animals, you have a need to find something that brings you joy, maybe a hobby, getting out in nature, wildlife, helping out at a farm, something that brings you happiness

This doesn't sound like a mothering instinct at all to me, it sounds extremely self centred. You want to be the centre of somethings world, not for their sake, but for yours. You want something dependent on you that you have saved from disaster and that adores you - sounds like it's heading more into a saviour complex to me.

If it was healthy you would just want to help animals be that at a shelter or where ever. I'd be very concerned that you'd 'save' an animal, feel amazing and then when the high wore off and reality kicked in you'd quickly lose interest in the monotonous hard work.

What has your childhood been like? Did you feel loved and like you were a priority? Personally I think the thing you need to be looking after is yourself.

No it is fine if it hates me I just want to make a difference to someone or something

plants? I know it sounds daft but it can be really satisfying and it doesn’t matter quite as much if they die. I am keen on pets at some point but successfully growing (some) vegetables has encouraged me along the way while also reminding me how much work it might be having a dog compared to a carrot 😂

If I volunteer in a position that can be immediately replaced by one of the many applicants waiting for a position to volunteer, then it feels like I am making no difference because somebody will do it anyways. (Of course it would be different if the local animal shelter was understaffed)

Most of the local animal shelters in my
part of London are crying out for volunteers. Even if you can’t foster there will be other jobs they need people to do.

Yes. You said. That poster’s point is that her YA children, who are your age, are not thinking about parenthood, they’re thinking about education, travel, work, broadening their horizons,

If you’re interested in ‘making a difference’, I’d look for meaningful work or volunteering, probably something involved with the environment or habitat conservation.

Sorry, but if an animal 'hated you' it wouldn't be a good life for the animal, so you wouldn't be 'looking after it'.

If you don't have a suitable home - you mentioned lack of space? - then you aren't in a position to have a pet. It would be cruel to keep them in a place where they would be unhappy, and I'm sure you don't want that!

You can 'adopt' animals through charities - there are some where they will send you newsletters etc if you support one financially - would that be a good start to feeling you care for something?

You need to do some growing up OP and stop self obsessing. You’re 18. Do you even live independently? How are you supporting yourself let alone an animal? Yes I’m being tough but you absolutely don’t need to bring an animal into this navel gazing, animals deserve better. Raise money for a charity or volunteer or something if you want to actually make a difference. It will also help you get out of your own head.