Childless by circumstance support thread

[DevotedAuntie]

I don't know how many of us there are on here, but I'm currently seriously grieving, and didn't know who to talk to in real life.
If anyone else is childless, who really wanted children, but circumstances conspired to prevent it, you have my deepest empathy 😔

I am but have really come to terms with it by now at the age of 47, I am so sorry you are grieving. It is a very hard sadness to define and to come to terms with.

Thank you. I'm glad you've found peace.
My grief comes and goes. I mean I'm always sad, but sometimes more philosophical than others.
Some triggers today. My niece's last day of primary school. I adore my nieces and nephew. I got talking casually to a builder who was doing some work here, and I made him a coffee, and he was venting about a few things, and then grumbled about the fact his 2 kids were breaking up today and he'd have to spend more time with them for 6 weeks. It really upset me! To have children (if you wanted them) is a blessing, and to be able to spend quality time with them is an extra blessing. I was a bit shocked he said it, and didn't know what to say. I was extra upset as I would love to have been able to greet my niece after school today. We live in very different parts of the country, but I'm visiting in a few days.
I dunno, I guess I'm very easily triggered on this matter these days.

Just to say I'm hugely sympathetic towards struggling parents too. But, the builder guy was suggesting he didn't like being with his children, which I found extremely sad, and wish he hadn't shared that with me.

I’m sorry that you’re struggling. Like pp I’m 47 now and have gone through the grieving process and am now ok. But it is very hard. People can have sympathy but they don’t understand unless they’ve been through it. It may feel like it often , but you are not alone, there are lots of us out there xx

That's just normal part and parcel of having kids I think - if you or I had them, we'd have moments where they would drive us up the wall! It makes me give a wry smile. I will never have them, but I will also never have the annoying or the hard bits! I don't have nephews or nieces as neither me nor my sister can have children. But I have god-goblins and colleagues in work tend to ask for babysitting duties all the time because apparently I am 'good with kids' - I really am too! I reckon I would be less good if they were mine - I get to borrow them, we only really have fun, because the stakes are less. Like any other type of grief, it's a total wave, it comes sometimes high and sometimes just laps at your feet, but I really do know how you feel. It's been so rough for me at times. But I think because I am getting past the biological point if I COULD have had them, that it makes it easier. If you're a lot younger than me I can totally understand why you still have the 'but why not me?' question and it's rough, I would never ever underestimate that. Sending so much love. I might sound glib and I don't mean to, but I'm 47 and have had some time to reconcile all of this.

Thank you. I'm glad you're at the other side of the grief.
I don't know if I ever will be.
I lost my wonderful dad a few months ago. We had a great relationship, and I helped look after him in his later months, so I guess a lot of my nurturing went towards that, and I think the grief due to the enormous loss of a beloved parent has intensified my childlessness grief.
I feel so sad about it.

I’m also childless not by choice. 44 and have been trying for 13 years. I think I’m slowly coming to terms with being childless but my husband still wants to pursue it and become a dad. I’m in the process of navigating that situation. Realistically, I know I won’t have my own biological child / children so god knows how we’ll get through this chapter.

The grief does come in waves and some days / weeks, I find it utterly overwhelming to navigate my grief.

I was probably being oversensitive to the builder guy's comment. I actually found it really odd & upsetting that he didn't want to spend time with his children. But maybe he was semi joking.
I didn't know how to respond, so just said 'aww' or something and changed the subject. But, I felt really triggered.
Anyway, I think I'll have an early night and hopefully feel a bit better tomorrow.
You sound amazing with children. It's lovely to be a blessing in a child's life. I absolutely love being an auntie and also honourary auntie to my friends' children.
Tbh I'm not that much younger than you. So I worry I'll never move past it. A friend of mine who is 41 is currently unexpectedly pregnant. She was also unhappily childless and even got counselling, then a surprise pregnancy. I'm utterly overjoyed for her, genuinely; but yes, a little envious too. I can't help it. I'm looking forward to meeting her baby though.
Anyway, thank you again x

Oh I'm so sorry. That's so hard. Sending you so much love x

I have two lovely godgoblins in Sussex and when I go down there their parents cannot wait to get out the door to date night! They love their children more than anything, but my goodness is it so full on for them! We do little films and talent shows - I film as a job - so I am tired by the time their mum and dad come back (and I've driven for five hours to get there!) but I will tell you the love I get from those girls. They cannot wait for me to arrive, they are like limpets when I am there, and they are so sad when I leave. And maybe this was just what I was destined to do if I couldn't grow my own - does that make sense? I'm sure you are amazing too and the wave was just so high today that it overwhelmed. If you ever want to talk off the board just DM me. I promise you will move past it, but it's not as quick a process as you want it to be. Sending love from Wales. Xxxxx

Thank you. It's so lovely you have such a great relationship.
I honestly can't wait to see my niece on Monday ❤️ I really missed her today, on her last day at primary school. I'm blessed to have a great relationship with all my nieces and nephew. It definitely helps with the grief.
Oh dear I can feel myself drifting off to sleep... I'll check this thread again tomorrow x

@DevotedAuntie I have honestly been where you are. I think my age helped turn the corner and just making the most of the youths in my life! Going for lunch on Sunday with my cousin's kids who are 21 and 17 now - they still remember me making a robot costume out of boxes and being silly with them! They always want to sit with me and talk about 'young stuff' (as if I am young! But I am 4 years younger than their mam and dad and they remember me as the person who pretended to be a robot for three hours straight - there's a programme on the BBC called Ann Droid... guess what I am going to chat to them about?!) If you're not lucky enough to be able to make your own family then your family is what is built around you - not without you - and the friends you choose as family. Sleep tight, I'm here if you want to talk more at any time.

So sorry to hear this.
Thank you for starting this thread x

Oh, I can't actually sleep much, it's hopeless. I really thought I was about to when I posted last night, but I can't. Too stressed & upset. I eventually fell asleep in the small hours for about 2 hours I think.
I think the issue of children and childlessness is such a sensitive one for me that I'm extremely easily triggered. Thank you for all the kind posts x

I sort of fall into this category as due to my circumstances I haven’t had the choice or option to have children. If I had been in a happy, stable relationship with a man who wanted children and was physically able to, I would have.

So I haven’t actively decided to not have children but I feel it’s due to my circumstance. I don’t even know if I am or have been fertile as it’s never been put to the test.

I do feel sad about it sometimes. If I knew I couldn’t have had them anyway due to infertility maybe I would find it easier to move on and realise it wasn’t to be.

Yes, by circumstantial, I'd definitely mean circumstances like yours. So many ways you can end up childless-not-by-choice.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a loss and you have a right to grieve if you need to.

My circumstances, as to how I ended up in this situation, is really complicated, and a mixture of multiple factors. Illness was a big one.

It's hard to come to terms with whatever the cause. You take care x

Thank you for starting this thread! Like others who have commented I’m also 47 and childless by circumstances. I really thought I had gone through the grieving process at this point but the other day a close family member announced she was pregnant (I had no idea she was trying for a third) and it hit me like a tsunami wave. Of course I’m happy for her but this has been a massive trigger and I’ve been struggling quite a bit.

My husband and I are childless by circumstance; i have a genetic condition that can be passed on. I do find it really triggering when I hear about other peoples pregnancies and baby's. Even today when my husband mentioned his colleagues wife is pregnant (a couple i have never and probably will never meet). It bothers me that it doesn't seem to affect my husband at all. He was never as excited by the prospect of children as me. Though I think he would have liked to have his own he was almost relieved when we had to make the decision not to. Its hard to greive around him cos he just doesn't get it he is very practical and to him the knowledge that we are doing the right thing should cancel out the grief but it doesn't. I will be 40 at the end of the year and wondering if age makes it easier.

@ToadRage You have phrased that really well about how doing the right thing should in theory cancel out the grief. Deep down I know we are doing the right thing - also partly due to medical reasons - but now I’m back at imagining this alternative life and obsessively researching options such as embryo donation or adoption which both of us don’t even want! This has been triggered by my relative‘s pregnancy announcement and I’m sure it will eventually pass.
Wishing you all the best! 💚

@ToadRage and @BusyMauveDeer sorry I didn't respond till now, I was offline a few days.
I'm so sorry you're both also having to cope with this painful sense of loss. You're definitely not alone xx