Feeling guilty about not having children and wondering how I can contribute to society in other ways

[Strawberriesandpears]

I do hope this thread isn't 'triggering' for anyone, but something I am struggling so much with at the moment is guilt for not having children. I am childless by circumstance really. I think it's the best choice for my potential child that they aren't born, but with so much in the media about falling birth rates, and threads on here such as 'who will pay for your pension / care in old age' I am feeling terribly guilty.

I feel like I have failed to do my bit for society, even though if I look at it more logically, I know there are other ways to contribute.

I think it's just the quite relentless media coverage about falling birth rates that is making me feel like this. I almost feel like I don't deserve to enjoy my life in any way. That I am not working hard enough because I am not parenting, and that one day I'll just be a burden on society.

I work full time, pay my taxes obviously, and do a little bit of volunteer work, which I would like to increase when I am older. I try to be a good friend and support others, and I do things like look after my health as best I can and take regular exercise to try to keep myself from being too much of a burden in my older years. I also save money as best I can to help ensure I can pay for any support I might need when I am older.

But I still feel guilt. 😔 I don't know how I can overcome this. Maybe the key is to spend less time online and to also think more about how I can contribute in the future. I've thought I'd like to get involved with my local hospice and help raise funds. That way at least I would feel like I was doing something which would benefit others / society.

Does anyone have any thoughts please? Thank you for reading.

So you work and pay tax? That means you are paying for my children’s birth, health and education. You are paying for the current pensioners, for people who cannot work for whatever reason as well as all the other things that keep society functioning. You are not increasing the number of people on an overpopulated planet and your carbon footprint is lower than mine and my two children.
I didn’t have children so they could look after anyone in old age unless it is a career area that they would like to work in (they don’t) and them paying my and your pensions is just how society works.

Oh and you don’t need to volunteer every spare hour or work hard at a career to be worthy. Just be you and enjoy the life you have.

You shouldn't feel guilty. But Scouts/guides etc. are always keen on recruiting new leaders. Not all are parents themselves.

Same here.

I’m childless through infertility but never felt I had to make it up to society or that I have somehow not done my bit. We get so much from parents along the lines of “ our children will be paying your pension/wiping your arse when you get old” but I do not consider myself some kind of social freeloader, I worked full time for 40 years and never claimed benefits, paid for the healthcare and education of other people’s children through my taxes.

This.

We have absolutely ruined the planet, and it's only getting worse. There are actually enough resources for everyone, but we face scarcity because of greedy Epstein class oligarchs hoarding wealth and the aforementioned resources. People continue to bury their heads in the sand and try for a baby anyway, ignoring the fact that they are bringing a life into a world that is in a terrible state and precious little prospects at a good life. The birth rate is falling, and good job I say.

Everything is expensive, and we are burning out en masse at a terrifying rate.

Having a child is not contributing to society, it’s just having a child.
you don’t need to feel guilty, your taxes pay for services that other people use which you don’t (schools, maternity care etc). You’re contributing more than most.

I’ve got three. Let’s just offset my extra one as your societal contribution. He’s an absolute tinker though and at this point if he just manages to stay out of prison that’ll be a win.

Seriously though our contribution to society isn’t measured in the taxes we pay or the carbon generators of the future that we produce. I just think making someone’s day a bit better is enough. Did you make someone smile today or speak to someone lonely or any million other things you can do that make the world a bit better rather than a bit worse?

Blimmin heck, OP. Not RTFT I'm afraid, but why on earth should you feel guilty? I'm a parent and I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who should be feeling guilty (if anyone should). The planet's too full, and my family unit has undoubtedly consumed more taxpayer funded resources than you have. I just don't get the idea that we are doing anyone whatsoever any favours by having children.

Also, every single time my children have been unhappy enough to think 'I wish I had never been born', that is an indictment of me. How can anyone possibly think they have the right to make the choice of existing, in advance, for a whole new person?

I thought the same. The media has totally fucked you over hasn’t it?! You owe society nothing. You are working. Paying taxes (thank you) and you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person. Try and enjoy your life ❤️

Try to stop ruminating and just enjoy your life. No one else cares whether you have kids or not, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter a jot! You don't have to somehow 'make amends'.

I have read multiple threads from you OP regarding your situation regarding being childfree, you are wasting much of your precious life thinking and dwelling on this. Try to get out of hour head and live your life.

It's such a redundant argument as well. We're all someone's child ourselves. All of us whether we have children or not, pay taxes that are used to pay someone's grandparent or parent their state pension (not to mention everything else). Of course my children and others should pay their taxes that fund people's state pension whether they've had children or not. We all benefit from each other!

What a kind thing to say and even more so to a stranger. We should all be saying this more. Lovely 😊

I feel zero guilt about not having children, because I’d have been shit at it!
I would have felt far more guilty if I’d had them because of a mistaken belief that I “should” then made a hash of it (which I inevitably would).
But I do contribute in other ways. I pay a load of tax, I volunteer and I try to be a generally decent person. I have never received a penny in benefits (fortunately never need any) and I am making sure I’ve got enough saved for my retirement so no one else is paying for any care I need either.

I agree, like everyone else is rather do what's best for my children than the world, and what was best for my children was for me not to have them. I'd have felt much more guilty having children and being a resentful parent.

3 of my closest friends are all child-free.
I often think social media creates division where none exists.

I do not care about their personal decisions, and they do not care about mine. None of us are better or more unselfish than the other. We all did what suited us.

We have never talked much about my kids- a 5- minute update usually. We talk about books, art, theatre, movies, politics. Far more interesting!

I have 3 children but i don't think you have anything at all to feel guilty about .
There are many ways of contributing to society that have nothing to do with having children.
As a pp says i'm another that had them for selfish reasons , it never crossed my mind how having them would be beneficial for society.
Enjoy your freedom !

You are contributing hugely, as presumably you are putting more in (via taxation) and taking much less - or possibly nothing if you are a higher rate tax payer - out.

You also sound like a good person. We are all the same, we live and then we die. Having or not having children makes no difference in the end.

You aren't obliged to do any of children, cooking or church if you don't want to, that doesn't mean you have failed the state or aren't enacting femininity properly.

Thank you, I do agree. There is an awful lot of negativity and it is very easy to get sucked in.

There are 8 billion people on this planet. We are over populated as it is.

100% agree - too many humans

Thank you everyone again for all your kind responses.

The media (traditional and social) and forums certainly have got me good and proper!

Things I have found upsetting of late are a candidate from Reform floating the idea of taxing women without children more. He was going on about the British family breaking down and how terrible that is for society. Mind you, when I looked him up I found that he has just one child himself and is divorced, so he hardly created a massive happy family either!

Another thing is the threads on here like, 'Who is going to pay for your pension / care in old age'. I think this was probably started with the intention of getting at those without children.

And on another thread someone said (sarcastically of course):

"Yes, I'm very much looking forward to being 70 and there being no doctors, nurses, plumbers, cleaners, or pretty much any young people to keep the world running day to day. I'm so glad I'll have to work till 80 because pensions cannot be funded due to lack of population. I'm also delighted that there will be a huge cohort of older adults who have no adult children and who also can't access any elder care because there is no one available to do the job. It'll be great."

It's these kind of things that really get me down. But of course you can't just go ahead and do something as monumental as create a new life just so there is a supply of workers in several decades time. Life is complicated, and as this thread has picked up on, there are so many reasons someone may not have children. Whether or not you have them is often down to a complex set of circumstances / chance and luck out entirely of your control.

Why are you so fussed about what others think?
I am brown- Reform hates me and so do some media- but do I care? No. My tall brown son is often viewed with suspicion. That's not my problem.

My kids certainly won't be changing anyone's nappies. They are not in care. Both are in professions which may be destroyed by AI. So who knows if they will pay anyone's pension?

You’re too nice OP - each of those individuals has their own personal motivation/axe to grind - either politically or personally.

You are enough - just as you are. Please take advice from this thread and pursue your passions - don’t measure yourself by others opinions - hold your head high and give no fucks