Feeling guilty about not having children and wondering how I can contribute to society in other ways

[Strawberriesandpears]

I do hope this thread isn't 'triggering' for anyone, but something I am struggling so much with at the moment is guilt for not having children. I am childless by circumstance really. I think it's the best choice for my potential child that they aren't born, but with so much in the media about falling birth rates, and threads on here such as 'who will pay for your pension / care in old age' I am feeling terribly guilty.

I feel like I have failed to do my bit for society, even though if I look at it more logically, I know there are other ways to contribute.

I think it's just the quite relentless media coverage about falling birth rates that is making me feel like this. I almost feel like I don't deserve to enjoy my life in any way. That I am not working hard enough because I am not parenting, and that one day I'll just be a burden on society.

I work full time, pay my taxes obviously, and do a little bit of volunteer work, which I would like to increase when I am older. I try to be a good friend and support others, and I do things like look after my health as best I can and take regular exercise to try to keep myself from being too much of a burden in my older years. I also save money as best I can to help ensure I can pay for any support I might need when I am older.

But I still feel guilt. 😔 I don't know how I can overcome this. Maybe the key is to spend less time online and to also think more about how I can contribute in the future. I've thought I'd like to get involved with my local hospice and help raise funds. That way at least I would feel like I was doing something which would benefit others / society.

Does anyone have any thoughts please? Thank you for reading.

The world does not need more humans on it. People did remarkable things centuries ago when the population was much, much smaller. Not having children has caused me great heartache, but now I’m glad that I didn’t bring children into the world.

If the population declines, that will cause difficulties for sure, but people adapt and we have more knowledge and more technology than ever before. There will be a bottleneck and there will be difficulties, but the future of a world with billions of people and an ever increasing population is, in my view, grim.

This is one of those MN threads that introduces me to a world view so utterly alien to my own that it momentarily staggers me.

It's never even occurred to me to feel guilty for not having children, for all the reasons others have outlined. I normally feel kind of...smug.

My daughters are both early twenties and don't want children due to the state of the planet. They don't feel guilty. The oldest would like children but doesn't think she would cope and thinks it's too expensive to have children and unfair to bring them into this world. Many of their friends feel the same, they don't feel guilty. If you'd had a child you may well of felt guilty you've bought them into this world. I somewhat do about my daughters situations, they can't afford to leave home, university tuition is unaffordable, learning to drive is very expensive and takes ages, they can't just get a room in a house like you could years ago cheaply. You need references and bank statements to rent. Travelling abroad is expensive. The pressure of social media. Even buying a pint is eight quid. I wouldn't want to be a young person now. It's not as easy as it was for my generation. Don't beat yourself up, having children is hard work, being a child, growing up and having enough resourcefulness, intelligence etc to earn a good living and not suffer mental problems etc is hard. Look at the positives. Personally I think if the human race was wiped out the planet would be much better off.

I just wanted to say that just because someone decides not to have children, it isn’t because they would automatically make a bad parent - it’s more complex than that. In the same way, just because someone has children it makes them a good parent.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 at smug. That did make me chuckle.

Don’t feel guilty - you’ve done the greatest thing you possibly can for the environment.

I’m also child free, with no guilt. I do the following to hopefully make sure I’m an overall net contributor to the economy and world:

• plan to fund my own retirement and any care needs
• voluntary work with a charity and with the courts
• Living eco consciously - minimising plastic waste/consumption, solar panels, electric car, offsetting carbon from flights.

God op I thought I was an over thinker!

Don’t understand this whining about the birth rate then in the next breath all the jobs will be taken by AI and students now can’t get work. Which is it?!

So surely that will all even itself out? The birthrate falls and ai steps in.

I wouldn't say I feel smug just joyous, every day, that I never put myself through it.

I give blood twice a year. The sense of what Damon Albarn would call ‘enormous well being (park life)’ is out of all proportion to the minimal effort involved from my end.

All of this.

edited to add I try not to feel guilty about the situation. When mine were born the world looked very different - it’s changed so much since the start of the century and not necessarily for the better

You shouldn't feel guilty for not having children or doing your "bit for society". I think that's such a bizarre viewpoint to have. I have children but I don't look at people who don't have children as somehow not doing their "bit" or how somehow lesser than me. I just don't think anything of it at all. I don't think most rational people do.

Yes of course we need people to keep having children so they are there to do future jobs etc etc. But equally if everyone had children we'd be completely screwed with over population.

If you're working and pay taxes then you're already contributing towards society. If you still feel really guilty (which you shouldn't. No one should feel guilty for not having children), then there's volunteering, fostering and all sorts of way to give back but equally no one should be doing these things if they don't want to.

People should have children because they want them. Not because of some civic duty that they must.

You have not failed to do your bit for society
This country simply does not need more children right now
Schools are full. Hospital beds are full. Cant get a drs appoitment. Roads are rammed. Nowhere to park. Bigger housing estates going up all the time. Loss of forest / fields / greenery

I don't understand the pension aspect either. If you've paid taxes all your life than surely that's what pays your pension? I'm not sure what having children has anything to do with it?

I wouldn't pay much attention to falling birth rates either. One minute there's too many people on the planet and the next people aren't having enough. It's not something I give much headspace too. I really don't think it's normal to overthink things quite as much as this!

Blessed here, and very happy. 👍

This as well. This isn't Soviet Russia. We all have choices now and the choice to have children or not is equally valid. People aren't morally better because they've decided to have children and they aren't selfish because they have chosen not to have them.

People may not have children, but we're all somebody's child and we all provide a benefit to society in someway whether it's being a good friend, neighbour, paying taxes etc.

I can't say it ever crossed my mind I was contributing towards the labour force by having children. In fact I still don't think this way now!

Thank you every one for your kind words and thoughts. I know it may seem like quite an extreme viewpoint, but it's just how I have been feeling. Probably a combination of media and perhaps quite low self esteem too.

For those who have mentioned worrying about the difficult circumstances young people face today, I've certainly thought about that and can definitely see that I'd also be feeling guilt if I had brought someone into the world!

I just hope everyone is able to make the best of their circumstances now and in the future.

Good for you.

There is enough to feel guilty about every single day. No sane person would think this. Why cant women just be humans for once?
Maybe get off social media for a bit. We all have algorithms to upset us.

I think you said it best OP that perhaps staying off media sites and social media is the best and engaging in threads that are likely to upset you. You have to remember what a lot of what you read is opinion and not fact. It is a very extreme viewpoint to feel guilty about something you've chosen and one I don't think is altogether healthy.

If you’re a mum, then you’re not in the minority so of course in wouldn’t cross your mind.

I agree re getting off social media.

This is straight out of Handmaid's Tale, and kinda 1984 too 😆
Your body, your choice - you're not a broodmare! I'm childfree by choice, totally respect any woman's choice to have kids or not to, it's their decision. Anyone suggesting motherhood was my civic duty would get told to fuck off 😆

Women aren’t potting compost! I wonder if there are many child-free men agoinising over this?

I have kids and i think you’ve done the right thing tbh.

No one will give you a medal for having kids.

And all it has done is fuck my health and make me worry all the time and not enjoy life.

But honestly OP, I've seen a lot of your posts on here. You seem rather caught up in this whole idea life is just doom and gloom and that you're somehow destined for a depressing long and lonely life because you're an only child with no children and an extremely unhealthy obsession with your old age.

Some circumstances are out our control, some aren't but how we react and respond to them is. It appears you have been responding and engaging on similar threads for so long that you've internalised this message that life is something to be feared and having children and family is the only thing to be happy and fulfilled in life which it absolutely isn't.

You need to take some responsibility for how you feel about life. No one can do it for you. Stop forever posting and engaging in threads that are just going to cause you anxiety. Stop reading posts on social media. Get counselling or whatever and actually go out and enjoy and live your life. There's plenty to be enjoyed about life. It isn't all doom and gloom and hopeless.

I know plenty people well into their 70s who don't have children. They've all lived happy and full lives and certainly feel no guilt (and neither they should) over the fact they haven't had children.

Absolutely. As a parent I regard having children as predominantly a self-indulgent thing to do!

I've never got the narrative that childless people are "selfish". My God, I have so much less to give now my dcs take my headspace, time, energy and money, compared to my very active and indeed activist life before I had them. I'm definitely more selfish now!