Sad thread about care homes and visitors

[Strawberriesandpears]

There is a really sad thread running over on the AIBU board regarding elderly people who don't have visitors to their care home.

A lot of posters are talking about elderly people having been abusive to their families or citing various others reasons why they don't 'deserve' visits.

I think a lot of them don't understand however that some people just genuinely have nobody. If like me, you are an only child, and don't have children, just who will be there - probably nobody.

I have hopes of being a kind old elderly soul who volunteers with charities and things and hopefully makes friends through that. However, someone said that friends and neighbours won't visit and that 'children and grandchildren would be the norm'. They are probably right - at least about the latter.

I don't know why I am posting really. Just to say that I am upset. I don't think people from big families can appreciate what it is like for some of us.

Perhaps because of a lack of demand in the past? Families tended to be much larger in the past, and often only one member of the household needed to work, which meant more time for caring for elderly family members. Life expectancy was also much shorter until relatively recently. In 1920, life expectancy was 56 for males and 59 for females. That's only just over 100 years ago. Of course some people have always lived to grand old ages, but it's much more common these days than in the recent past, owing to advances in medicine.

Continuing Care Communities are much more common in the USA currently. I am not sure why, but I know the model has been used for some of the ones which have been established in the UK so far.

But you have an extended family yourself of Aunties, Uncles and cousins. And I very much doubt everyone you know exists solely in a bubble of their siblings and children. Everyone I know has many close relationships and support networks that exist outside of their immediate family. And if they don't, then it's a pretty isolating place to be in. I work in Older social care and honestly it put me off having a big family for life. Every big family I seem to come across is just beset with drama and problems.

But relationships should be about what you can give to them, not what you get out of them. Yes we all need connection in our later years but this shouldn't be the focus of building friendships now. I'm the same age as you, and I'd find it quite creepy and overwhelming if someone was wanting to be my friend so they could stave off loneliness in their old age.

I'm not wanting to your downplay your anxiety but you're trying to exert control over a situation where with all the best laid plans and will in the world, you don't actually have any control over. There's something freeing about reaching a point where you know if you don't have control over it, it forces you to live your life in the present as that's all we have. The future isn't guaranteed to any of us.

It's one thing to have a concern about what will happen and put things in place such as power of attorney, wills etc. It's quite another to be under 40 and obsessively researching retirement villages and care programs in the USA. I work in social care and things are changing all the time. These places you are going on about might not even exist, or their eligibility criteria will change or the funding for them will. It seems pointless trying to come up for a solution to something that might not happen. You might die before you need care. You just don't know what the future will help.

They used to do events (maybe at libraries?) talking about the value of intergenerational friendships. I always thought it was really valuable that kids who didn't have grandparents (some kids had never met their grandparents or dads), and older people who had no children got to spend time together, as the grandparent relationship is so important, whether they're blood related or not. My mum used to visit a couple of neighbours who had no family, and I remember one teaching me about crafts, and the other telling me about her life growing up. This was fascinating for me, and my mum took me to visit both of them in hospital, and helped them with stuff at home on occasions.
There are older people who do have family who don't see them, or wouldn't help them in this way-and it is difficult when people are so busy with work, but all I'm saying is that it doesn't need to be blood family, and even those with children might be abandoned by them.

Also @Strawberriesandpears, it is your life. You have choices in life. I think you've mentioned you're not close to your auntie and uncles so why would you be taking on a caring role for them? You are allowed to set boundaries about what you are prepares to do to protect your own health, not just do things because they are "expected" of you.

Also I think your volunteer work is very admirable and hopefully this will help you. I work every day with older people and I think I've become desensitised to it, that I no longer fear it. I don't think what will happen to me or what support I'll have. I've just accepted that it's a phase in my life that I don't have control over what will happen and while I'll put the necessary paperwork in place, set money aside and have the appropriate conversations with loved ones, that's about the best I can do.

My Dads in a small care home now with 30 residents. I try and chat to others when I visit him. I guess its small enough that I could, in theory, get to know them all a bit over time.

I know they have volunteers go in too so hopefully they spend time with anyone who has no one. They also use facetime ti keep contact as my Dad asks staff to set a call up for him to me occassionally when he has something to tell me (which he forgets by the time we speak but we find something to talk about).

He lived with us for two years as he went through bouncing in and out of hospital. Its hard and got harder. Im pleased we did it but it almost pushed us to the edge. I actually think hes happier now as hes making friends, people he knows are always popping in, lots of food choice, treatments and two activities a day. Additionally professional personal care.

I worked in an old people’s home for a while after I left university. One thing that really shocked me was how many residents had sons and daughters who almost never visited. And when they did visit, the visits were as brief as possible and they often spent more time talking to carers, or chatting among themselves than engaging with their mum or dad. There were exceptions of course, but the number of lonely old people who had non-visiting families was striking.

In fact the childless residents often got more visitors, maybe because they had maintained good friendships over the years.

I remember thinking at the time that it was a bad idea to assume your children would look after you and want to be with you when you got old.

I have been slowly catching up on these threads over the past few days. I just wanted to say that you sound so similar to me in your thought processes and feelings. If you ever fancy a chat let me know as I know it can be so hard x

I have a sister and when DH is gone that's it. Neither of us had children. But DH has two, though one comes only once or twice a year. Only one grandchild visits. I know people have busy lives but it saddens me.

That is sad. I suppose it goes to show that children and family and no guarantee of care and companionship though.

This saddens me and makes me proud of my children who I found out at Christmas regularly call their grandparents even though they live many miles away and when they stayed locally at Christmas spent a lot of time visiting them and their other gramdparent in a care home

I’m glad that works for your family, but I think this thread is really about the sadness of people who don’t have anyone visiting them. For many, it isn’t a reflection of poor family relationships or lack of love earlier in life, it's just how things turn out, and that’s what feels so bleak.

I agree and was being part of the conversation.

When I visit Dad in his care home its clear the importance of volunteers (who know who those are without family) and I always try and involve others around us in our conversations if Dad is in the lounge and from his care notes it appears other families do the same. These other residents are part of his friendship network now too and hes become very friendly with two of the other gentlemen. It woud be nice to think all care homes help foster these new relationships for all residents.

I was reading the thread very much from the perspective of residents with no family members or involvement, which is why I interpreted your comment as I did. I appreciate you clarifying, and I agree that volunteers and peer friendships are incredibly important.

I hear you OP. It’s sad and who knows what happens when we get older ourselves.