Sad thread about care homes and visitors

[Strawberriesandpears]

There is a really sad thread running over on the AIBU board regarding elderly people who don't have visitors to their care home.

A lot of posters are talking about elderly people having been abusive to their families or citing various others reasons why they don't 'deserve' visits.

I think a lot of them don't understand however that some people just genuinely have nobody. If like me, you are an only child, and don't have children, just who will be there - probably nobody.

I have hopes of being a kind old elderly soul who volunteers with charities and things and hopefully makes friends through that. However, someone said that friends and neighbours won't visit and that 'children and grandchildren would be the norm'. They are probably right - at least about the latter.

I don't know why I am posting really. Just to say that I am upset. I don't think people from big families can appreciate what it is like for some of us.

I also volunteer with a service which provides friendly phone calls to the elderly. They aren't in care homes, but they are people who have reached out to the charity for help with loneliness and isolation. So I do feel I am 'paying it foward'.

This is lovely OP- I think this is a wonderful thing to do. I think it's because you said you were waiting until you retire to do volunteering opportunities which is why I got that impression. How about volunteering in person in a group setting instead of on the phone- that might be an even better place to make friends with other volunteers and still help out vulnerable people. (I used to volunteer at a drop in centre for MIND the mental health charity)

Luckily it’s a small proportion of older people who need residential care. I wouldn’t try to live too far in the future as you can’t say what situation you will end up in. Live your life now as well as you can and try not to worry.

I don’t think that elderly care will necessarily look the same in the future - I certainly hope not as it’s pretty unsatisfactory as it is.

I agree about trying not to worry about the future.

My DM is in a nursing home, fortunately I am in a position to visit twice a week and my DB once a week. Even if this wasn’t the case she would have lots of company. The staff are amazing and have really got to know her, they often sit with her and paint her nails. There are a few (not lots) of activities and the staff always her encourage her to join in the music ones and understand that after a while she may find it a bit too much and they take her back to her room. Once a month a chaplain visits and holds a little service and if she’s up to it she goes to it for a little while.

She has a hundred times more human contact than when she lived on her own.

Thank you. Ah sorry yeah, I don't tend to think of the befriending service as volunteering, I guess, because I don't actually leave my house for it and I currently only have one person I call - I would like more though.

I would like to do in person volunteering too, however it would have to be evenings or weekends, as I am at work the rest of the time.

Thank you, that's all very positive - I am pleased to hear your mother is happy and well cared for.

You are right - I think being in a good home is much better than being isolated on your own, perhaps with just a couple of carer visits a day. I am glad that I should be able to afford my own care, and won't be reliant on the Local Authority to decide what happens to me!

I don't think it's necessarily true that only children and grandchildren visit. My family regularly visited an "auntie" (not a blood relation) for years before she died. She was in a care home because of her dementia and frequent falls which made it unsafe for her to remain at home.

She had been married and had a chil, but both husband and child sadly died before she did.

Our family weren't her only visitors, either.

I worry about who will visit my DC who is an adult with learning disabilities when we are dead.
Currently, 30 and still living at home. No other relative living close by. DC keeps telling me they are last of the family line. We live at least 7 hours from cousins.They will go into supported living. We are currently working towards it.
DC loves the theatre, NT, eating out, museums and holidays. Once we are gone who will take them? Who will visit?

MIL is in a care home, she has been for years, she’s only early 70s. It distressing to visit her, we took the kids once and I was scared, let alone the kids. Honestly, I’m sorry to say it but ‘strange’ confused dementia patients with understandably no boundaries, thinking my children were their long lost babies etc. It was honestly not worth the visit as it was also distressing for MIL knowing she should know us but not knowing who we are. A lot of the people who get no visitors must be in that category.

Sorry posted too soon - on the other hand, a lot of non-dementia care homes seem to run baby groups and befriending schemes etc. I ideally want to end up somewhere like The Villages / the place in the Thursday Murder Club. But would probably need a lottery win!

I am sorry - I can see how worrying that must be. Perhaps there are some charities which provide support for trips out etc? But obviously I have no knowledge in this area, so I don't know.

I wish you and your DC all the best for the future.

My DM is in that category, she doesn’t know who I am anymore and her behaviour is frequently very challenging but I still like to visit. She can say a few words, we listen to music, I kiss her forehead goodbye, when she is gone I won’t be able to do these things.

I guess you’re a better person than DH then 🙄 #simplistic

@HearMeOutt This is a ridiculous and nasty response. Firstly, what evidence do you have that it is usually mothers 'earmarked as insurance friendships'? Surely friendships are more likely to develop between women who do not have children, as they will have more time to dedicate to friends, seeing as they won't be providing care to grandchildren etc.

Also, I don't really believe 'insurance' friendships are possible. If a connection develops to the point where someone wants to visit a friend in a care home, I think that would be because it was genuine. You seem to have this strange belief that childless women are able to 'trick' people into thinking they are their friend. No, we are looking for genuine human connection. And that only develops when both sides have something to give to the friendship.

Lastly, you talk about mothers having to provide 'yet more care'. If someone is in a care home, their care is delivered by paid professionals. Yes, of course visiting someone is a way of showing care, but it's very different to providing practical care. It isn't like expecting someone to make meals for you, help you with personal care etc.

Not better just different.

Agree - it’s a really mean thing to say. One thing that I am grateful for is that childless (or childfree) women tend to seek each other out. I have several friends who don’t have children - some married, some not - and we half-joke that when we start to need a bit of help we’ll move in together a la the Golden Girls. It’s not the reason we made friends at all (our common interests are hiking and gardening) and there are 15 years between the oldest and youngest of us, but the Gin Palace (or sometimes referred to as Dirty Deb’s Doss House) is a semi-realistic solution for us.

It’s really disappointing that on a thread specifically posted on the MNers without children board that posters who are parents have posted in such a patronising fashion. Just not in spirit of the site or what this board is intended for 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you. I take my DC to sing at a local care home several times a year. Hopefully, it will help him understand if I end up in a home. Life cycles!
My MIL was in a home 5 hours away. We visited as often as we could. DH would often go on his own. His sister visited more often as she lived 30 mins away. MIL rekindled old friendships in her nursing home.
When I use to go home. I often visited my old school teacher. An amazing, inspirational woman. Many former pupils visited.

She once said 'family aren't necessarily blood, they are who we relate to.

I can understand your concerns too.

I too found the other thread unsettling and sad, I felt upset for the same reasons as you OP.

Although on the face of it I have lots of friends and am well known in the town, I think until you have to live alone without family in mid/late adulthood, no one realises how difficult it can be. None of my many couple friends are truly aware what it’s like. In the same way, as a widow, I don’t ever feel I can ring my couple friends at a weekend, as it’s somehow “their family time”.

I had an accident in my garage and couldn’t move to get back into the house, tried to call a passing teenager but couldn’t be heard, eventually got to bed and rested it for 24 hours before eventually calling for help. Things like that.

Similarly in hospital for (major) surgery, aware of the other patients being jovial with their visitors - while I was alone, and that was ok. Later in the day at bedtime, the nurse said “oh, it’s your birthday”…it’s things like that.

I’ve made the decision to live to the absolute max, filling every moment now, not holding back on anything I want to do. I care about an active quality of life now over a future in a care home. My meaningful life has to be now.

(I will however be wearing camo-print as a fashion statement and Crocs when the time does come. 😊)

My goodness what an unpleasant creature you are, full of utter nastiness and glee at the idea of childless women being lonely

I am so sorry you are in a similar situation. For what it is worth, I am in a couple, but if you were my friend I certainly wouldn't mind you calling me at the weekend. I would want to be there for you.

I think you do right to adopt the attitude of living for today and enjoying life to the max as much as possible.

Wishing you all the best, and if you ever want to chat, feel free to send me a message. 😊

@Strawberriesandpears aww, that’s lovely, thank you.
Wishing you all the best.

I don't think there's a lot of point hoping friends will visit. Most of them will have died , be care home residents, or will not be mobile enough to visit - especially as most care homes I've found are not easy to access with public transport.
If it's any comfort, my DM is in a care home and having a whale of a time - plenty of people to chat to, activities to participate in and no responsibilities. Trying to get hold of her to arrange a visit is almost impossible 😂

I know people with children who don’t get visits. And people without who do have very good friends or neighbours. And to be honest once you are in your 80’s you may be happy with seeing the other residents. You’re imagining it now but in my experience older adults don’t always want to be bothered with visitors in their late 80s and just like a chat with anyone sitting nearby.

I haven't RTFT, and I do have children, so I hope it's OK to post this.

I have visited (much older) friends in care homes. When my father was in a care home he had half a dozen friends who each visited weekly or more, and a dozen or two more who visited more than monthly.

By contrast, many people don't bother visiting their elderly parents very often, not because parents were abusive, but just out of being busy and not wanting to make the extra effort.

Having children is no proof against a lonely old age, just as not having children doesnt mean you will be lonely.

I volunteer in a lovely care home, through an external charity but they hire a space for their meetings and coffee afternoons with our clients.

However what I’ve seen since being there has been lovely.

iIt is a beautiful new home and I’m sure the prices are ££££, but the surroundings and features aren’t what make it.

They invite the local community in regularly. There are parent and toddler days. Cinema afternoons. A cafe, which also holds events. And a home dog. There are no end of visitors that the residents can talk to, all signed in and wearing visitor badges.

The coffee is genuinely good, better than Costa and with a wider range of options (although not sizes). They open their gardens, the staff volunteer their time to do car washes etc to raise money for other local charities, it is a genuinely lovely place. And doesn’t smell of wee ;).

No family maybe. But no friends?