Sad thread about care homes and visitors

[Strawberriesandpears]

There is a really sad thread running over on the AIBU board regarding elderly people who don't have visitors to their care home.

A lot of posters are talking about elderly people having been abusive to their families or citing various others reasons why they don't 'deserve' visits.

I think a lot of them don't understand however that some people just genuinely have nobody. If like me, you are an only child, and don't have children, just who will be there - probably nobody.

I have hopes of being a kind old elderly soul who volunteers with charities and things and hopefully makes friends through that. However, someone said that friends and neighbours won't visit and that 'children and grandchildren would be the norm'. They are probably right - at least about the latter.

I don't know why I am posting really. Just to say that I am upset. I don't think people from big families can appreciate what it is like for some of us.

Possibly a number of residents who didn't have children may have more visitors than those with children. Partly down to a number of people without children investing more into their relationships with wider family and friends and social groups as they don't have to focus most of their efforts on their offspring. And then you get some parents who have few visitors because of the grown children living at a distance. Sometimes the parent-child relationship is fractured and low or no contact. Having a child is no guarantee of having visitors.

The vast majority of care home residents who don't get visitors have children. And with the others it's nearly always only one child who visits regularly and the others maybe once a year. Anybody who's worked in care homes will have seen it.

This is why the arguments about having children stop you being lonely in old age are nonsense. We all need to build friendships and not rely on family.

I've read at least some of that thread, the general gist really is that reasons for lack of visitors can be complex, and it's not as simple as 'poor older people'. We definitely all reap what we sow, to some extent, whether we have children or don't.

As someone who has been around care homes in my career, I think anothrr reason is the visitor ( be that a grown up child, friend etc) may feel uncomfortable, get upset at seeing their loved one living with dementia , frail and confused
The "that's not the aunt I know".
May not like bringing their children to the home for that reason

My DM is in a care home aged 71 with dementia. DSis and I visit a few times a week. She has made friends in the home. She looks forward to catching up with them daily and having meals with them. The staff are genuinely lovely and so caring. I've stood behind doors when they haven't known I'm there and listened to them talking to residents with such kindness. Hugs are available if they are wanted. Mum is a great listener and can still give great advice and does when the younger carers clock off their shift - the go and see her before they leave for 10 minutes. Boyfriend problems? Go and see my mum, she'll tell you to raise your bar, plenty more fish in the sea etc. If my DSis or I didn't visit she wouldn't leave the home to go out for coffee or come to our house for a bit which she does enjoy, but she wouldn't be lonely.

I know how you feel @Strawberriesandpears - I am in the same boat. Parents, aunties, uncles, sibling all died early and I didn’t marry or have children. I worry that I won’t have anyone to advocate for me if I need it. My old boss - a very wise woman - said that the best thing to do is to make friends with women of different generations, which I am trying to do. I also hope to volunteer doing something physical - eg hospice garden, and something with children like helping listen to them read, to increase my interaction with different ages. Plus, you may not need to go in a home. It’s actually only a small proportion of people who do - it may be that almshouses (there’s a new amazing one in London so hopefully more to come elsewhere) or sheltered housing may do the trick.

I think the main thing is to start looking after your health now, today. Diet, activity, and brain health.

Came on to say exactly this. I’m one of four children and the frequent care home visitor. One sibling goes 5-6 times a year, one has been once in 5 years and one has never been.

I’m child free by choice and fully intend to future proof by investing in my friends and neices and nephews but there’s no more guarantee children would visit any more than they would 🤷🏻‍♀️

There are plenty of people who visit care homes thankfully op, as a church we visit every one in our parish and volunteers sit and chat to those who want to (not re religion just generally) and we hold a service suitable for all as part of the visit too, think hymns you’ll remember from school and a few words rather than complicated sermon, then the short communion setting for those who want it. I know the local Catholic church does similar so that’s 2 lots of volunteers going a month plus those who are able are taken out to activities at our church as very close to the nursing homes, think games afternoon and book group type sessions, obviously many residents aren’t able to understand such activities but it you are body frail but mind sharp they try to get you out.

I found it utterly traumatic when my elderly relative was in a care home. I was her POA and only person she had. I visited rarely. As a child I had been taken into care homes to visit elderlys every week, it absolutely terrified me and it had a lasting and profound effect on me. People probably thought I was awful and didn’t care at all but the truth was I had been struggling for years before he was admitted and it came as relief that he was finally safe and properly cared for but horrendous guilt for not being the regular visitor. What I have learned is that relationships with parents are extremely complex sometimes and our ability and feelings won’t always match our actions. I suppose to the outside the people doing a ‘duty‘ visit for an hour every Sunday looked like they cared more than me, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I am sorry you are in the same boat. I think advocacy can be accessed via paid services. I know it isn't the same as having close relatives, but at least it's potentially someone to keep an eye out.

I hope to move to a retirement village (maybe at about 60). It offers independent living and then you can move to varying levels of care if your need change. I am hoping that if I establish myself there early, I will be part of a community which feels like family. Maybe I am being too optimistic though.

I was recently told about a poorly gentleman who had been fleeced by a so called friend.. The care home took the measure of not allowing another friend/s to visit until investigations had taken place. He died alone having had no visitors for at least 3 months. Very sad indeed.

As a childfree only child with a complex family I will likely be on my own. DH has Crohn's and a heart condition and various other things, so it's reasonably likely he will go first sadly. We often argue we want to be the one who goes first!

When I was young, around 11, my grandma had a traumatic event which caused multiple strokes and accelerated her Alzheimer's. I went to visit several times a year but didn't really understand that her memory would never return. She only vaguely recognised me and quickly couldn't place me at all. It was very upsetting for me and my dad, she was mostly fine in herself and in her own world of sorts. She mainly remembered my dad as a child.

As an adult I have worked in health (not as a HCP but more admin/corporate) and the more I learn the more I hope that I don't hang on forever. I'm drafting an Advance Decision! I just have no desire to live on when my quality of life is so diminished but if it happens, it happens. I can't think too much about it, or it would upset me. But likely I will be in my own world as well.

I have no children sadly due to issues, and sadly no nephews or nieces either. I’m not at all close to my cousins children.
I just feel upset about it! I see ppl taking their old grannies out in wheelchairs to Tesco cafe, even one man I met in Lanzarote who lived there had his 90something mother with dementia come and visit him in her wheelchair where she sat at dinner with him and his partner, occupied by conversation and was given an iPad. I thought, who’s going to give me the iPad? And take me to the cafe? When I’m 95. If I make it.

My dad had long standing close friends who he did an awful lot for- not a single one went to visit him in his nursing home when he got dementia- it was very upsetting. It was just me, his daughter who visited. The friends always had excuses - they were busy, they didnt like going on the bus (funny because they managed to get on the bus when it was to go places they wanted to!), they wanted to remember him how he was etc The list of excuses were endless.

I'm not sure why friends would be any more reliable in terms of visiting than children to be honest.

Sad and also quite bizarre to not allow visitors. It’s not as if they would be matching him to the bank.

No point worrying about it, but my experience as a POA for a childless distant relative was that she had a constant supply of visitors. Neighbours, people she’d worked with, volunteered with, randoms that I've no idea how they knew her. She was lovely and people were very fond of her. The home did a great tea and cake too, which probably helped! Unfortunately visitors trailed off when she got past late 90’s as she’d outlived the majority of them!

In contrast, another elderly I was POA for had 5 children, bus loads of grandkids. But only one of those children was a regular visitor. No animosity between any of them but I think it was just assumed that as there was lots of relatives that someone else would go and visit so they didn’t have to bother. Out of sight out of mind if you live a distance away and are confident one of your siblings is in attendance. It’s not unusual at all for one sibling to be doing all the elderly wrangling while the others carry on living their best lives.

I am going to do an advanced decission too. I don't really want to be treated for anything, especially if I have dementia.

I am actually still quite young (below 40) and I find it heartbreaking to have to be thinking of these things when most of my peers have young and growing families.

Even if you do make friends, the friends are likely to be in your age bracket; therefore dealing with their own flailing health, managing daily chronic pain, struggling just to get to the shops, unable to drive etc… I’ve noticed a lot of elderly people don’t like being around their elderly friends who are in care homes and hospitals I think it brings their own mortality closer to them.

That's lovely to hear. I think the retirement village I hope to move to has links with its local church too. I know they hold services.

Probably true. I guess I am just destined to be entirely on my own then.

Yes, my nan died at age 94 and most of her good friends had died at least 14 years earlier.
The ones who were left were not in any physical state to be visiting her in her care home because they were all too frail/disabled by then.

So, unless you are planning to make friends with people significantly younger than you, it's not going to work.

Even then, you cant befriend younger people with the sole purpose of them caring for you when old- thats no better than having kids solely to be your carers!

I nearly posted this on that thread but it was already too long, but what I wanted to say OP is how often do you want people to visit you now? How occupied are you with your own interests and activities? Because my grandparents have always had really busy happy lives, lots of hobbies, socialising, holidays, physically active. They are in their 90's so none of their friends are still alive or able and none of their four children and many grandchildren live nearby, many not even in the same country at their encouragement and full support. I still visit them once a month in their dementia care home and while they are both pleasantly surprised to see us it's clear they aren't sitting about pining for a family visit. Between all the different activities and socialising they now do in the care homes, the staff and residents they've made friends with and the fact that their dementia means they can really only remember their childhoods, they are not waiting around longing for visits. They are still living their lives. My Granddad is amazed every time we visit that we've found where he is because he only arrived yesterday. My Grandmother gets stressed out when she sees us because she's not made the beds up for us as she wasn't expecting us, but she quickly settles back into the music group or physio session that we've interrupted. My point is that our visits are for us not them. If you reach the stage of life where you are in a nursing home you are likely to not be sitting about wishing someone would visit you. You'll have visits all day long by care staff and other residents and you'll be taken into and out of activities all day. My grandparents still enjoy and are able to carry out most of their lifelong hobbies despite having advanced dementia and they are happy. There is no need to worry about it now.

Yeah I'm early 30s but work has brought all this forward for me. Read so many stories about families who didn't know what their loved one would want in x or y situation and only had past conversations to go from, sometimes many years previous. Advance Decision is a must imo and probably need to consider LPoA too, perhaps one of my younger SILs/BILs.

My mum has a prepaid funeral plan and is very determined not to go in a home, but she would rather be in a home than live with me and DH. I'm grateful we have had very open and frank discussions about death and her wishes.

That thread really upset me as well. It turned so mean and people just hating on abusive old people.

The thread wasnt meant to be about that, it was meant to be about how sad it can be for some people.

I would be interested in volunteering to visiting when im feeling better.

My point is that our visits are for us not them. If you reach the stage of life where you are in a nursing home you are likely to not be sitting about wishing someone would visit you

I agree. We are viewing this through a mind that is cognitively intact.

But if you are in a nursing home you arent likely to be aware of it. My nan slept most of the time and couldn't really remember when I had visited her so it's not like she was constantly stressing about it.