Sad thread about care homes and visitors

[Strawberriesandpears]

There is a really sad thread running over on the AIBU board regarding elderly people who don't have visitors to their care home.

A lot of posters are talking about elderly people having been abusive to their families or citing various others reasons why they don't 'deserve' visits.

I think a lot of them don't understand however that some people just genuinely have nobody. If like me, you are an only child, and don't have children, just who will be there - probably nobody.

I have hopes of being a kind old elderly soul who volunteers with charities and things and hopefully makes friends through that. However, someone said that friends and neighbours won't visit and that 'children and grandchildren would be the norm'. They are probably right - at least about the latter.

I don't know why I am posting really. Just to say that I am upset. I don't think people from big families can appreciate what it is like for some of us.

I have hopes of being a kind old elderly soul who volunteers with charities and things and hopefully makes friends through that.

I might be misunderstanding this, but surely you need to start this now, if you haven't already. Volunteering does make it more possible to make friends of varying ages. But i think it's something to do as a lifelong thing, building the life you want now, rather than as a buttress against a lonely old age.

I'm in a similar position, OP. I do have a sister but a very difficult relationship with her.

This is a very good point, thank you. I am very good at occupying myself. I think it probably at least partly comes from being an only child. I am very creative and have lots of hobbies.

The retirement village I am hoping to move to has a packed schedule of activities too, so I certainly think I would be kept well occupied!

You have made me realise that it isn't really loneliness I fear - more being subjected to neglect or abuse and having nobody to fight my corner. I do believe it is possible to hire an independent advocate though.

That is true. I have done a bit, but it's quite hard to fit in when you work full time. I guess I was just meaning I anticipate having more time for volunteering once I am retired.

You've lived your life and made your own choices. If you end up lonely in a care home that is most likely your fault. Your in the driving seat.

Not always at all, @user272181030. I've visited my old childminder in a home and she was so distressed and confused. Others were crying or drugged into somnolence. It will depend on the home and the way the person's conditions are managed.

It is sad that people assume the ones without visitors must have been abusive. There are many people who haven't had children but with this being Mumsnet, people assume everyone must be a mum.

There's also the obvious error that if someone is estranged from family then it must automatically be their fault. Maybe they were the victim of abuse and cut family off because they chose to stay safe? Or maybe they were cut off for the wrong reasons, for example being wrongly accused of something.

Mumsnetters tend to have a very small world view and automatically assume everyone fits into neat little boxes.

It must be difficult to face possible loneliness as you age but some of the best friends I've ever had came into my life very late, so there's always a chance things will turn around. x

I saw that thread and it annoyed me. There was an implication that people should check in more and were being unkind to older people. Thats not true for a lot of people.

My dad moved miles away from me when he retired, despite me literally begging him not to and to stay close in case he needed me when he got older. He refused to listen and moved miles away. As a result, I wasnt able to visit him that often (I work full time/ have kids etc).

If he wasnt visited much it was entirely due to his own choices and stubbornness.

To be blunt, not having children does give you a lot of extra time. How you choose to use that determines your life now and, to an extent, in old age. What do you spend you non-working time on now? You don’t need to say here, but it’s worth looking at what you prioritise.

I've been pleasantly surprised at the brilliant quality of care my grandparents have received and lovely friendly staff. They are in the most basic state mandated care too, as they refused to get power of attorneys and have no money or assets so it's been a very difficult journey from their independence to a secure care home under the deprivation of liberty act managed by social services. If you're in a position now to be able to choose a retirement village and think it all through I would think you're maximising your chances of finding a lovely place but even the worst sounding places have turned out to be so much nicer than I was imagining. They do both have independent advocates appointed by social services because they are held against their will so you would too if you were in this situation, although they both say they are very happy and feel like they are in a hotel.

That's a bit short sighted though. If you are childless due to infertility or circumstance, don't have siblings and therefore no wider family like nieces or nephews and all your friends are dead or too old to visit (as a few posters in this thread have been keen to tell me will be the case) then that's not something you can control.

Ime grandchildren don’t visit. They are busy and focused on their own lives and find the very old to be difficult company.

Children do visit, but some only very occasionally - twice a year maybe. (Some much more of course- my own partner visited his mother 4 times last week.)

But the very old & frail don’t really notice their visits - or lack of them- anyway. (My partner’s mother did not even notice his presence.)

This is because by the time someone is in a home, their ability to enjoy visits, or to notice their absence, is significantly limited in any event. Having children doesn’t really make a difference once you’ve reached that stage.

I'm 60, OP, and I'd rather chop off my own arm than move to a retirement village! Be around a bunch of other old people? No, thanks!
I'm happily childfree and have no expectations of anyone visiting me in a care home because 1) I enjoy my own company and 2) I will have extra company from the other residents and staff. Even if I had kids, I'd definitely be telling them not to waste their time visiting me in a care home - they'd have much better things to do.

Don't assume that "family" is the be all and end all. Just live your life, make some good friends, but also enjoy a solo life. None of us can predict the future, so why worry about it?

Rubbish. My grandparents are and were adored. My living grandparent lives 2 hours away and we visit as often as we can, phone weekly, remember her birthdays, and if she ends up in a home I expect I will have to go on some kind of waiting list as she has 15 grandchildren who all adore her.

I find it a bit depressing that people on this thread, after a lifetime of not wanting to build any relationships with anyone or care for anybody else (not all, infertility etc excepted obviously) are now scrabbling for ‘friendships’ where really all they want is somebody else to take on some kind of caring responsibilities for them if needed. And of course, the expectation will be that it’s women

If you go through life prioritising ‘me time’, spending money on yourself, and wanting to be totally separate to all the aspects of human relationships you find stressful or cumbersome, this is the result and you should accept it.

I 100% agree! The idea that someone would befriend me not because they think I am an interesting and worthwhile person to be friends with but because they want me to visit them when they are old and in a nursing home is frankly, appalling.

Thats using people and isnt a genuine friendship 🙄

It's very much me, me, me isnt it? You cant make friends solely as some kind of elder insurance

Agree with everyone who said that those with no visitors often have children.

But anyway, you can make friends in the care home, there are staff. It’s probably better than being isolated at home. If you don’t have dementia, we are some of the most socially connected generations out there due to online facilities. There are more ways than ever to stay in contact. Dementia is sad regardless of offspring tbh.

@Beautifulbonbon i also assume all the posters here ‘so worried about the future’ are not paying forward the debt by currently visiting other elderly isolated people in care homes? If not - why not?

I’m not saying being childfree is ‘lesser’ in any way. But in the same vain that people who have children are relentlessly told ‘this is what you signed up for’ about the stressful aspects, this is the flip side of the coin.

And it irks me that this will be another stream of ‘care’ busy women will be guilted into providing, because it won’t be men will it!

I think these posters would be better off saving money to pay for care and companionship at home if needed. At least then it’s fair and transactional.

Have you looked into how to go about volunteering and visiting people who have no local families or friends to visit them?

Or signing up to the telephone befriending service where an elderly person looks forward to the weekly call they receive from the same volunteer?

I hope this isn’t directed at me - I’m only 53 and have been doing this since I was 30! I now have friends between the ages of 28 and 82!

And you can fuck right off with your comment about not wanting to care for anyone else - some of us are single and childless precisely because we spent our earlier lives caring for other people - in my case from age 21 to 46.

i also assume all the posters here ‘so worried about the future’ are not paying forward the debt by currently visiting other elderly isolated people in care homes? If not - why not?

Yes- excellent point. The posters who are making friends so they will visit them when they are old - are THEY currently visiting any older people in nursing homes, because if they arent, then why on earth does this duty not equally apply to them?

But your aunt was lucky to have her nieces and nephews to build relationships with. Not all of us have people in our lives that we can build relationships with, hence we have to rely on friendships.

I certainly don't expect friendships to be one sided - I would want to give as much as I 'take', but going out and finding these friendships in the first place is far harder than if you have an automatic network of family members who want you to be involved in their lives. I know people will say I am wrong, but there must surely be at least some truth in what I am saying.

I don't know why you are assuming that. None of my significantly older friends (mostly in their 50s or 60s) are old enough to be in care homes yet, but when they are, yes I will certainly visit them.

I also volunteer with a service which provides friendly phone calls to the elderly. They aren't in care homes, but they are people who have reached out to the charity for help with loneliness and isolation. So I do feel I am 'paying it foward'.

Yes, I am already part of a telephone befriending service.

I'd rather have no family than be abandoned and ignored by my own children and grandchildren.

And that can easily happen. Having kids is no guarantee anyone will visit or care for you. And siblings the same. They might be dead or live on the other side of the planet.