Baby loss awareness week is giving me rage!

[BlueCarRedCar]

Yes I know I am being completely unreasonable.

I’ve seen a few social media posts of friends and a cousin talking about baby loss awareness week because they once had a miscarriage. They all also have at least 2 children each. Then there are all the comments of rainbow babies always come after the dark blah blah blah.

I KNOW I am being completely unreasonable but as a childless person who had 6 miscarriages I want to scream FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RAINBOW SHIT!!! I hate the term rainbow baby any way, far too twee, but I find it hard to resist commenting that actually some of us never get that happy ending so stop talking bullshit.

yes I know I’m going to get a lot of hate now but I needed to rant somewhere where at least someone might understand how I’m feeling.

I know miscarriages are upsetting for everyone, but not everyone get to go on and have successful pregnancies. Rant over.

I find Rainbow Baby twee too, but I also find chintz twee and people who call their husband hubby. Twee surrounds us all and twee is not for me.

I truly understand your pain, but the best way to deal with it is to say: "This social media post is not for me - it's also not about me." And transfer your attention elsewhere.

It's easier said than done and took me some time. But it is so much better for your mental health just to discount stuff that is not for/about you. I used to get so bloody annoyed about constant football stuff everywhere - hate the sport! - and then I realised it was exactly how I felt about saccharine and maudlin stuff about 'lost' babies (just one of the terms).

It really helped me to reframe it. I don't give a shit about football (rugby on the other hand rocks) so those posts are not about me or for me. I don't have a child and can't have one. Those posts are not for about me. They are for other people. I kind of mentally switch the channel in my brain.

Sending love as I do know how it feels. I am 46; everything is beyond me now.

Sometimes we need that rant and I agree with you on all points. It can be a difficult week on social media for some people.

I can’t imagine the pain you have been through and you can’t help your feelings but your friends who have gone on to have babies haven’t suffered any less, they have lost babies the same as you. They are happy with their success but still in pain about their losses. A friend had 11 miscarriages then went on to have two healthy babies. You don’t know what the future holds and I’m sure you would share positive stories if you were in a position to do so. You are suffering and struggling, but it’s not others fault. There will be lots of people feeling like you but in time hopefully you’ll be able to feel supportive of friends and not just feel the hurt. It’s tough but life isn’t fair. I also don’t like the term rainbow baby but if it helps others than it’s ok for them to use it. Sending hugs because it must be hard to read and have it forced upon you.

Nothing to add at all but completely understand it must be difficult

The whole 'you'll get your rainbow baby' reads a little weird, mayhe patronising, i dunno, but I cannot comment on it as its none of my business

Wishing you the best girl, definitely block the phrase on your socials x

I am truly sorry you have experienced such loss and believe you are entitled to feel the way you do and are absolutely allowed to rant.

I "only" had one miscarriage but it was so traumatic I ended up very mentally unwell for a while. I still feel that my loss counts even though others have objectively suffered more than I have.

@BlueCarRedCar I agree. I did get two babies and thank God every day. 5 pgs got beyond 12 weeks, two 2nd trimester, three 3rd. I don't know how many were lost between 5/7 weeks.

I’m sorry but the stories of ‘my friend had 11 miscarriages then had a baby’ and comments like ‘you never know what the future holds’ are the most infuriating comments to childless people. I’m 48. I know my future holds no children thank you.

Sending you a big, big, hug.

I had 6 miscarriages, two of which required medical intervention to save me.

I did keep a pregnancy, but it nearly killed me and my DD so it was the first and last. I never refer to her as a ‘Rainbow’ baby - she’s more of a bloody miracle so I really do understand how you are feeling. Rant away.

But also, please, please don’t minimise how those friends may be feeling, because their miscarriages were fewer and led to babies. They lost babies too. You can’t know how their losses affected them (fwiw I had a nervous breakdown then severe PND after DD was born and abject utter terror that something would happen to her). They may still be feeling the after effects.

But rant away, it helps sometimes to let it all out.

Hugs.

You are well within your rights to feel what you feel however it is not healthy to compare your losses to that of others .
I have never liked the term rainbow baby and have suffered a full term stillbirth and misscarriage aswell but i choose to stay off social media rather than allow these things to get to me at this time of year.
I do have other children but i dont feel the loss of my others any less. I wish you lick for the futer.

You are absolutely right. My TTC journey ended years ago. I’ve been through the grieving and thought I had accepted it. I am happy now in my life and lucky that I have a fantastic life! Then out of nowhere I get this feeling of annoyance this week.

everything you said is completely true though and helpful, Thank you.

While your having a rant, ill take advantage as I feel like I can’t say it without looking unreasonable but the rainbow shit really fucking pisses me off too. Im glad Im not the only one.

Exactly.
I started peri/meno at 36.
6 months after I came off birth control to start trying TTC.
Fully done by 39/40.

To be clear I know that miscarriage is upsetting for everyone, I know that people who have children are equally upset by it, it’s the comments of ‘don’t give up it will happen for you’ ‘keeping trying for your rainbow baby it happened for me’ etc that infuriate me because guess what?! It doesn’t always happen and these comments don’t give hope they just cause a childless person to feel even more isolated and shit.

People are trying to be kind. It's not easy to know what is right or wrong to say.
Sorry for your losses.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

She’s not saying that pain isn’t felt by those who have babies. She’s saying that ‘your pain will go away when you have babies’ is a moronic thing to say.

That's not what Baby Loss Awareness is about. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you come across as if you're saying 'well you've had a successful pregnancy, so your baby loss doesn't matter".

The comments do, yes. And fhey are platitudes that get trotted out all the time and which rarely give comfort - and as you said, often do the opposite.

I tend to avoid all baby loss groups during October because I know I’ll end up upset and then angry. But that’s a me issue as some people really do feel comforted by these groups.

Maybe instead of sober October do ‘No Socials October’ and give yourself some treats over the month, so that you avoid all the fuss? (Or join a Halloween-fanatic one and plan the most Gothic scenario to deck out your house at the end of the month not that I’ve done that at all. No. Not me.

I have been there so many times, I completely and totally understand. It's been the ending of relationships for me too and I have felt so resentful over that. It's so hard not to. I had a horrible experience on Remembrance Sunday... guess what I always remember on Remembrance Sunday? It's not the troops I'm afraid. My life is largely brilliant, but then something hits you, and it always will I am afraid. I started telling myself when I turned 40 that I would be a brilliant 'stepmum' - not had the chance yet (almost but not quite) - because I needed to find a way to explore a version of mother-ish-ness that my biology wouldn't allow me to do. I really enjoy my goddaughters. They are so lovely - and I have that nice mix of being not their mum but also mum-ish if that makes sense?

It's a bloody hard journey mate, I understand, particularly given it's not a choice. If you were down the road I would totally take you for a wine, give you a hug and we could ride the wave (because it's a grief wave) together. For now, here is a virtual wine and the knowledge that you are not and are never alone. And that also - IT IS NOT FAIR - because it isn't, but we find other ways to fulfil our soul.

You don’t know what the future holds

What a ridiculous comment @Coffeebreakneeds ! Like myself, the OP is well aware of her age and fertility limitations now!

I hear you OP. I TTC 12yrs, rounds of IVF, lost 3 and will never have my own children. No cause for sub-fertility ever found. I have a happy life, its just completely different to what I'd always imagined.

Just to jump in here - miscarriage isn’t upsetting for everyone. I didn’t find mine upsetting, I don’t identify with the baby loss awareness stuff. It was a first trimester loss and I personally don’t feel like I lost a baby any more than I lost a lottery win when I didn’t buy a ticket (but I totally understand other people feel differently and I empathise with those that do). I also don’t like posts like this that imply I should be sad/grieving/feel a loss for something I fundamentally don’t feel sad about.

I know they are, but it’s not kind. Just say “it’s really rubbish that happened, I’m sorry you went through that”. No miracle stories required. I’m saying this because when you’re coming to terms with being childless and you have to stand and smile sweetly and someone being kind and trying to give you hope, it actually hurts even more. Because on top of the hurt your already going through, you then have to listen to this bullshit because god forbid you upset the person who was only trying to be ‘kind’ by telling them that their story of hope is actually causing you more pain.

I'm sorry for your losses @BlueCarRedCar and I think you have every right to be angry with the insensitive posts.

You don't find it kind which is fair. Other might. But I don't think people are trying to hurt you. Ignore it if it's not for you.